The Longest Yard Quotes
Prison inmates form a football team to challenge the prison guards.
Caretaker: [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!
Guard Dunham: [after breaking off a long run, storms up to Megget] That's how a white man runs the football!
Earl Megget: Man, you lucky I ain't on defense. I'd crack you in that egg-ass head of yours!
Guard Dunham: Yeah, but you ain't on defense. Are ya, bitch?
Earl Megget: Switowski! Come here!
[he comes running over]
Earl Megget: You know what he said in the library?
[whispers to Switowski about Dunham calling Malcolm X then "N word", as Switowski's eyes about pop out of his head]
Earl Megget: Yes. Him. Out!
Switowski: [Destroys Dunham with a huge hit on the next play. Everyone gathers around to look at Dunham and sniffs] I think I made-ed him shit himself.
Coach Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.
All Sportswriters: I think he just shit himself.
Stretcher Guy: Good lord, this guy shit himself big time!
Switowski: [jumps up and down celebrating] See! I told you i made-ed him shit himself!
Earl Megget: [as Dunmham is being carted off the field on a stretcher] I'll be sure to send them books to the hospital, pimp!
Deacon Moss: And some diapers!
Earl Megget: Man, you lucky I ain't on defense. I'd crack you in that egg-ass head of yours!
Guard Dunham: Yeah, but you ain't on defense. Are ya, bitch?
Earl Megget: Switowski! Come here!
[he comes running over]
Earl Megget: You know what he said in the library?
[whispers to Switowski about Dunham calling Malcolm X then "N word", as Switowski's eyes about pop out of his head]
Earl Megget: Yes. Him. Out!
Switowski: [Destroys Dunham with a huge hit on the next play. Everyone gathers around to look at Dunham and sniffs] I think I made-ed him shit himself.
Coach Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.
All Sportswriters: I think he just shit himself.
Stretcher Guy: Good lord, this guy shit himself big time!
Switowski: [jumps up and down celebrating] See! I told you i made-ed him shit himself!
Earl Megget: [as Dunmham is being carted off the field on a stretcher] I'll be sure to send them books to the hospital, pimp!
Deacon Moss: And some diapers!
Captain Knauer: [after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...
Captain Knauer: That's gonna cost ya...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Looking forward to it...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...
Captain Knauer: That's gonna cost ya...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Looking forward to it...
Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...
Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got.
[throws ball to Brucie]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open!
Brucie: [throws wild pass]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.
Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got.
[throws ball to Brucie]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open!
Brucie: [throws wild pass]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.
Joey Battle: Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
Joey Battle: [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
Coach Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
Joey Battle: [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?
[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.
[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.
Ms. Tucker: Paul... Paul I wanted to let you know that I am your biggest fan and that I'll will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you on gameday!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok I appreciate that.
Ms. Tucker: Paul I appreciate you.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok.
Brucie: All right are you done now?
Ms. Tucker: What are you just jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?
Brucie: Yea I don't know what you're talking about.
Ms. Tucker: Whatever back freckle!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok I appreciate that.
Ms. Tucker: Paul I appreciate you.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok.
Brucie: All right are you done now?
Ms. Tucker: What are you just jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?
Brucie: Yea I don't know what you're talking about.
Ms. Tucker: Whatever back freckle!
Captain Knauer: Dammit, Warden, I think this game's a big mistake.
Warden Hazen: Captain, not only will you have the chance to hone our team to a fine edge, you'll also have the opportunity to learn a great deal about life. Why is it, do you suppose, that I can walk through this yard, surrounded by hate, and in total command?
Captain Knauer: Because you've got 15 gun turrets all around you that say you can.
Warden Hazen: Captain, not only will you have the chance to hone our team to a fine edge, you'll also have the opportunity to learn a great deal about life. Why is it, do you suppose, that I can walk through this yard, surrounded by hate, and in total command?
Captain Knauer: Because you've got 15 gun turrets all around you that say you can.
[Caretaker and Crewe are watching a prisoner go through his workout]
Caretaker: Well, there he is. Connie Shokner, baddest cat in the joint. Even the guards are scared of him. He killed three people on the outside and two since he's been in here.
Crewe: Yeah, that karate's some bad stuff.
Caretaker: Oh, that was before he learned karate.
Crewe: Say, what's he doing now?
Caretaker: Nobody's ever had the guts to ask him.
Caretaker: Well, there he is. Connie Shokner, baddest cat in the joint. Even the guards are scared of him. He killed three people on the outside and two since he's been in here.
Crewe: Yeah, that karate's some bad stuff.
Caretaker: Oh, that was before he learned karate.
Crewe: Say, what's he doing now?
Caretaker: Nobody's ever had the guts to ask him.
Caretaker: Most of these old boys don't have nothing. Never had nothing to start with. But you, You had it all. Then you let your teammates down, got yourself caught with your hand in the cookie jar.
Paul Crewe: Oh I did, did I?
Caretaker: Oh I ain't saying you did or you didn't. All I'm saying is that you could have robbed banks, sold dope or stole your grandmother's pension checks and none of us would have minded. But shaving points off of a football game, man that's un-American.
Paul Crewe: Oh I did, did I?
Caretaker: Oh I ain't saying you did or you didn't. All I'm saying is that you could have robbed banks, sold dope or stole your grandmother's pension checks and none of us would have minded. But shaving points off of a football game, man that's un-American.
[the Black Inmates are gathered together talking about the football tryouts]
Black Inmate 1: [about Crewe] This Honky golden boy sold out his teammates, didn't he!
Black Inmate 2: He sure as hell did!
Black Inmate 1: He did it once, he'll do it again!
Black Inmate 2: [All the Black Inmates Respond in unison with Black Power Fist] RIGHT ON!
Black Inmate 1: [about Crewe] This Honky golden boy sold out his teammates, didn't he!
Black Inmate 2: He sure as hell did!
Black Inmate 1: He did it once, he'll do it again!
Black Inmate 2: [All the Black Inmates Respond in unison with Black Power Fist] RIGHT ON!
Paul Crewe: What's his name?
Caretaker: Indian.
Paul Crewe: That makes sense.
Caretaker: Now don't go making any ethnic jokes.
[They meet the Indian]
Paul Crewe: Paul Crewe. Heard you played some football.
The Indian: Yeah.
Paul Crewe: Where?
The Indian: Oklahoma State.
Paul Crewe: Oklahoma State U?
The Indian: Prison.
Paul Crewe: Well, first thing we have to do is get you out of here.
The Indian: How?
[Paul looks back at Caretaker]
Paul Crewe: Well, we'll work on it.
Caretaker: Indian.
Paul Crewe: That makes sense.
Caretaker: Now don't go making any ethnic jokes.
[They meet the Indian]
Paul Crewe: Paul Crewe. Heard you played some football.
The Indian: Yeah.
Paul Crewe: Where?
The Indian: Oklahoma State.
Paul Crewe: Oklahoma State U?
The Indian: Prison.
Paul Crewe: Well, first thing we have to do is get you out of here.
The Indian: How?
[Paul looks back at Caretaker]
Paul Crewe: Well, we'll work on it.
Paul Crewe: Nate, if you're thinking about winning this game, then you're as crazy as he is.
Nate Scarboro: Well, maybe so. But you spend fourteen years in this tank, you begin to understand that you've only got two thing left they can't sweat out of you or beat out of you. Your balls. And you better hang onto them, because they're about the only thing you're gonna have when you get out of here.
Nate Scarboro: Well, maybe so. But you spend fourteen years in this tank, you begin to understand that you've only got two thing left they can't sweat out of you or beat out of you. Your balls. And you better hang onto them, because they're about the only thing you're gonna have when you get out of here.
