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Wallace Ritchie is mistaken for a spy and must stop a plot to assassinate international leaders at a banquet.
Wallace: [after FINALLY clearing Customs] Which door's England?
Immigration Officer: How long will you be staying in this country, sir? Wallace: That's a very good question. Immigration Officer: Yes, I thought so, too.
James Ritchie: Am I talking to an actor now, or a human being? Chief Insp. Cockburn: Neither sir, I'm a policeman.
Lorelei 'Lori': Are you going to bring me that martini, or do I have to suck it out of the glass from here?
Lorelei 'Lori': What are you? C.I.A., Mafia? Wallace: Both.
Sergei: [to Daggenhurst] If we cannot trust each other, how can we bring back Cold War together?
James Ritchie: [about Wallace] I never knew someone could forgot so much without a severe blow to the head.
Wallace: Please don't call me by my real name, it destroys the reality I'm trying to create.
Wallace: Sorry I get a little bit insensitive, but I'm a hitman!
Wallace: Was that a tear? How do you people do it? Do you poke yourself in the eye? Or are you thinking right now "My dog is dead"? Lorelei 'Lori': What's the matter with you? Are you enjoying this? Wallace: Enormously! "My dog... is dead".
Wallace: She told me about the letters. Gilbert Embleton: Letters? What letters? Wallace: The letters. She told me about them. I know all about the letters. How do you think I know? She told me. That's how I found out.
Wallace: [Wallace is being shot at] Time out! Time out! I got something in my eye, jagoff!
Hawkins: Spencer, did you flush? Wallace: I think she's gonna do that, don't you, pal? I'll ask her. Lori! Hawkins: [Quietly to Daggenhurst] He's talking to her! Sir Roger Daggenhurst: She's still in the bowl? Hawkins: Maybe he tried to flush her, but she floated back up! Sir Roger Daggenhurst: Tell him to flush her! Spencer knows how to deal with floaters.
Lorelei 'Lori': You know, for half a second back there I thought I saw a real human being. Wallace: Nobody asked me to be a human being.
Wallace: Stay away from that phone! [shoots phone]
Police Constable Cochrane: So what's the pay like then? Wallace: They pay all your expenses, you're licensed to kill, but there's a down side. Police Constable Cochrane: What's that? Wallace: Torture. Police Constable Cochrane: There's the women, though. Wallace: Well, they're nice after the torture. Believe me. Police Constable Cochrane: Not much of a car they've given you though, is it? Wallace: Oh, it's a piece of crap! They've got an Aston Martin... had trouble with the surface-to-air missiles, so it's in the shop. Wallace: Ah.
Sir Roger Daggenhurst: What are you doing with one of our communicators, Cochran? Chief Insp. Cockburn: This man refused to provide me with any identification. Sir Roger Daggenhurst: Of course he didn't provide you with any identification. He's a secret agent.
Wallace: Yo matey, you just stabbed me with your pen.
Wallace: Blockbuster... Des Moines.
Wallace: [a constable asks Wallace to see his license after a high speed chase] No, you may not! But I do have this nifty communicator with which you can speak directly to my superiors. Wallace: [On the communicator/cigarette case] Breaker, breaker, come on back to that big ol' HQ, come on back to me. Sir Roger Daggenhurst: Who is this? Wallace: This is Spencer. Sir Roger Daggenhurst: So you're still using that name, are you? Wallace: Well, I figured I would until 11:30. Sir Roger Daggenhurst: [to his assistant] How he mocks us.
Sergei: Why so gloomy? Is better than being butcher. Boris 'The Butcher' Blavasky: I like being butcher. You know exactly who you are killing. And why. [cocks the gun]
[last lines] Wallace: Is this working? Are you liking it?
Wallace: [in a singsong voice] Gilbert's gone.
Stage Manager: Excuse me, no pass, no entry. Boris 'The Butcher' Blavasky: I'm looking for a tall American. Stage Manager: Aren't we all, dear, but we've got a show to put on, in case you didn't notice.