The Pink Panther Quotes
Bumbling Inspector Clouseau must solve the murder of a famous soccer coach and find out who stole the infamous Pink Panther diamond.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is there anyone with you?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Are you carrying a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who are you?
Yuri: I'm Yuri, the trainer.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what is it you do, Yuri the trainer?
Yuri: I train.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: So, you are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yuri: [looks down]
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Are you carrying a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who are you?
Yuri: I'm Yuri, the trainer.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what is it you do, Yuri the trainer?
Yuri: I train.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: So, you are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yuri: [looks down]
[footsteps are heard in the background]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.
[a male in his forties walks in]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is anyone with you?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2" ,5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.
[a male in his forties walks in]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is anyone with you?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do you have a pair of high heels in that bag?
Yuri: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri: No.
Nicole: Would you like me to stay behind and help you?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That is a generous offer, Nicole. But I am quite sensitive to office gender politics. And in today's world, the slightest gesture can be misinterpreted as harrasment. And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me into that delicate situation. Agreed?
Nicole: Yes, I agree.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [gives her a quick kiss on her lips] Well, lets seal it with a kiss. And I'll get back to work.
[slaps her on her butt as she goes out]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That is a generous offer, Nicole. But I am quite sensitive to office gender politics. And in today's world, the slightest gesture can be misinterpreted as harrasment. And it is late, and I would prefer not to put you or me into that delicate situation. Agreed?
Nicole: Yes, I agree.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [gives her a quick kiss on her lips] Well, lets seal it with a kiss. And I'll get back to work.
[slaps her on her butt as she goes out]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur Larocque.
Larocque: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [talking about the vase stuck on his right hand] Is this vase of great value?
Larocque: It is a worthless imitation.
[slams the vase on the nearby desk in order to break it, but ends up breaking both the vase and the table in the process]
Larocque: But that desk was... priceless.
Larocque: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [talking about the vase stuck on his right hand] Is this vase of great value?
Larocque: It is a worthless imitation.
[slams the vase on the nearby desk in order to break it, but ends up breaking both the vase and the table in the process]
Larocque: But that desk was... priceless.
Female Reporter: Inspector!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes.
Female Reporter: Yes, what is your initial premise?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That Gluant did not want to be killed. Everthing else follows like liquid mercury flowing down a - a - a sloping thing.
Female Reporter: How long do you think it will take to find the killer?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction, forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-way radios and e-mail.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes.
Female Reporter: Yes, what is your initial premise?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: That Gluant did not want to be killed. Everthing else follows like liquid mercury flowing down a - a - a sloping thing.
Female Reporter: How long do you think it will take to find the killer?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Right now the killer is being surrounded by a web of deduction, forensic science and the latest in technology such as two-way radios and e-mail.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And you are?
Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?
Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Farmers.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.
Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?
Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Farmers.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.
[trying to teach Clouseau an English accent]
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a ham-bur-ger.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen"!
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a ham-bur-ger.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen".
Dialect Instructor: I would like to buy a hamburger!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I would like to buy a "damburgen"!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [chasing after the diamond thief] Come on, now! Faster! Faster!
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What's the matter with you? Can't you drive this thing faster?
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Come on. I tell you, this is the road they've gone up.
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Don't argue with me. I'm telling you, I know where they've gone!
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What's the matter with you? Can't you drive this thing faster?
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Come on. I tell you, this is the road they've gone up.
[toots horn]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Don't argue with me. I'm telling you, I know where they've gone!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I've got Bizu in the interrogation room.
Ponton: What's the plan?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm going to give him the "good-cop / bad-cop" routine.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are the soccer player known as Bizu?
Bizu: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You were acquainted with Yves Gluant?
Bizu: I am glad he is pushing up daisies.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not pushing up daisies, he is dead!
Bizu: It's an idiom.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You sir, are the idiom!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison, you will answer the next question: Did you kill him?
Bizu: I would have loved to have killed him, but some lucky bastard beat me to it.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You disgust me. I'll be right back!
[leaves room]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [re-enters room] Cigarette?
Bizu: No. Thanks.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good for you. Bizu, I knew you didn't do it; someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.
Bizu: You'll help me?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who else might have done this terrible thing?
Bizu: His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.
Bizu: Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bizu, I like you. I'm going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.
[leaves room and shuts door]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good cop / bad cop routine is working perfectly.
Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.
Ponton: What's the plan?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'm going to give him the "good-cop / bad-cop" routine.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are the soccer player known as Bizu?
Bizu: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You were acquainted with Yves Gluant?
Bizu: I am glad he is pushing up daisies.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He is not pushing up daisies, he is dead!
Bizu: It's an idiom.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You sir, are the idiom!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison, you will answer the next question: Did you kill him?
Bizu: I would have loved to have killed him, but some lucky bastard beat me to it.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You disgust me. I'll be right back!
[leaves room]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [re-enters room] Cigarette?
Bizu: No. Thanks.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Good for you. Bizu, I knew you didn't do it; someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.
Bizu: You'll help me?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who else might have done this terrible thing?
Bizu: His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Raymond Larocque, the casino owner.
Bizu: Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Bizu, I like you. I'm going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.
[leaves room and shuts door]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The good cop / bad cop routine is working perfectly.
Ponton: You know, usually two different cops do that.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yuri: Yeah, that's right.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.
Yuri: Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.
[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]
Yuri: You are finding something amusing here?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?
Yuri: From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mocking him] "do-do-do-ba-ba-lo"
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You need to work on your accent.
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What? What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.
Yuri: Yeah, that's right.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.
Yuri: Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.
[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]
Yuri: You are finding something amusing here?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?
Yuri: From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mocking him] "do-do-do-ba-ba-lo"
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You need to work on your accent.
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What? What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.
[first lines]
Gem dealer 1: As in every stone of this size, there is a flaw.
Sultan: A flaw?
Gem dealer 2: The slightest flaw, your excellency.
Gem dealer 1: If you look deep into the stone, you will perceive the tiniest discoloration. It resembles an animal.
Sultan: An animal?
Gem dealer 1: A little panther.
Sultan: Yes! A pink panther. Come here, Dala. A gift to your father from his grateful people. Some day it will be yours. The most fabulous diamond in all the world. Come closer.
Gem dealer 1: As in every stone of this size, there is a flaw.
Sultan: A flaw?
Gem dealer 2: The slightest flaw, your excellency.
Gem dealer 1: If you look deep into the stone, you will perceive the tiniest discoloration. It resembles an animal.
Sultan: An animal?
Gem dealer 1: A little panther.
Sultan: Yes! A pink panther. Come here, Dala. A gift to your father from his grateful people. Some day it will be yours. The most fabulous diamond in all the world. Come closer.
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Hi George. Any idea how we get out of here?
George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] I don't know. I've been all over this place. I've been up this street, up that one, up that one. How are we gonna get out here?
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Why don't you try the high road up there?
George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Okay. I'll take the high road, you take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Ciao, George.
George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] I don't know. I've been all over this place. I've been up this street, up that one, up that one. How are we gonna get out here?
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Why don't you try the high road up there?
George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Okay. I'll take the high road, you take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Ciao, George.
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: It is very important that you remain calm and do not turn around
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Remain calm, do not turn around
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [turning around and not remaining calm] Oh my God. Ze Gas Mask Bandits
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Remain calm, do not turn around
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [turning around and not remaining calm] Oh my God. Ze Gas Mask Bandits
Simone Clouseau: If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.
Princess Dala: It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.
Sir Charles Lytton: Why should you?
Princess Dala: When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.
Sir Charles Lytton: I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.
Princess Dala: All right.
George Lytton: I feel like dancing.
[to Princess Dala]
George Lytton: Your Highness?
Princess Dala: I'd love to.
Sir Charles Lytton: [to Simone] How about you, Madame?
Simone Clouseau: Yes, of course.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?
Sir Charles Lytton: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I say your leg is better.
Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You know, Mr. Tucker...
[scalds his hand]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Argh!
[put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]
Tucker: That's my beer, old man.
Princess Dala: It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.
Sir Charles Lytton: Why should you?
Princess Dala: When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.
Sir Charles Lytton: I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.
Princess Dala: All right.
George Lytton: I feel like dancing.
[to Princess Dala]
George Lytton: Your Highness?
Princess Dala: I'd love to.
Sir Charles Lytton: [to Simone] How about you, Madame?
Simone Clouseau: Yes, of course.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?
Sir Charles Lytton: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I say your leg is better.
Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You know, Mr. Tucker...
[scalds his hand]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Argh!
[put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]
Tucker: That's my beer, old man.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Monsieur, you must move your vehicle at once.
Old man in wheelchair: Oh... I'm so so sorry Officer Clouseau my chair... it won't move.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm... let me see
[investigates the wheel chair]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: your battery charge is not in let me see. Right so the positive goes to negative
[puts the positive charge in the negative plug]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: and the negative to the positive
[puts the negative charge into the positive plug]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: . Okay you are ready to go
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after the old man reverses backwards into a market stall] Okay next stop.
Old man in wheelchair: Oh... I'm so so sorry Officer Clouseau my chair... it won't move.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm... let me see
[investigates the wheel chair]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: your battery charge is not in let me see. Right so the positive goes to negative
[puts the positive charge in the negative plug]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: and the negative to the positive
[puts the negative charge into the positive plug]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: . Okay you are ready to go
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [after the old man reverses backwards into a market stall] Okay next stop.
Tucker: Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.
Princess Dala: Really? And who would that be?
Tucker: Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?
Princess Dala: I suppose I do.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.
Princess Dala: Really? And who would that be?
Tucker: Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?
Princess Dala: I suppose I do.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am willing to bet you ten thousand francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.
Simone Clouseau: How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?
Tucker: Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.
Sir Charles Lytton: What are we all talking about?
Simone Clouseau: The notorious Phantom.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid I never heard of him.
Sir Charles Lytton: From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.
George Lytton: I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.
Princess Dala: Sounds terribly theatrical.
Simone Clouseau: How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?
Tucker: Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.
Sir Charles Lytton: What are we all talking about?
Simone Clouseau: The notorious Phantom.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid I never heard of him.
Sir Charles Lytton: From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.
George Lytton: I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.
Princess Dala: Sounds terribly theatrical.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Someone had words with Gluant... the night before he was killed.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [points his hand to a guard all of a sudden, releasing a vase stuck in his left hand, and Ponton, who was standing next to the guard catches it in time] Didn't you?
Larocque's Guard: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't threaten to brek his legs and then crush him into powder?
Larocque's Guard: [confused] No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Perhaps I saw that on TV.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [points his hand to a guard all of a sudden, releasing a vase stuck in his left hand, and Ponton, who was standing next to the guard catches it in time] Didn't you?
Larocque's Guard: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You didn't threaten to brek his legs and then crush him into powder?
Larocque's Guard: [confused] No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Perhaps I saw that on TV.
