The Producers Quotes
After putting together another Broadway flop, down-on-his-luck producer Max Bialystock teams up with timid accountant Leo Bloom in a get-rich-quick scheme to put on the world's worst show.
Max Bialystock: How did it begin? He walked into my office with his cockamamy scheme! You can make more money with a flop than with a hit! We can do it. We can do it. I can't do it. We can do it. I can't do it. Good-bye Max! Oh Lord I want that money! I'm back Max! Come on Leo we can do it! Step 1: Find the Play! See it, Smell it, Touch it, Kiss it! Hello Mr. Liebkind! Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Adolf Elizabeth Hitler? Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Step 2: Hire the Director Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn! Ulla! Oooh wah weee wah wah wow wowie! Step 3: Raise the Money! Along Came Bialy! Step 4: Hire all the actors! A wandering minstrel I, A thing of shreds and... Next! The little wooden boy. Next! That's our Hitler! Break a leg! I broke my leg! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- A surprise smash! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- It'll run for years! Where did we go right? Where did we go right? Gimme those books Fat, fat, fatty! Gimme those books! Fat, fat, fatty! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Lousy fruit- Kill the actors You ever eat with one? Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach, I'm behind these bars you're banging Ulla on the beach! Just like Julius Caesar was betrayed by Brutus, Who'd think an accountant would turn out to be my Judas! I'm so dismayed, is this how I'm repaid? To be... Betrayed! BETRAYED!
Leo Bloom: So what time can you get here?
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: ...Eleven.
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: God dag min vannina!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: God dag min vannina... ninna...
Ulla: God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: ...Eleven.
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: God dag min vannina!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: God dag min vannina... ninna...
Ulla: God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!
Max Bialystock: I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!
Max Bialystock: Hey... kid! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Look at this...
[steps over Leo]
Max Bialystock: How can I help you?
Leo Bloom: [Screams] AAAHH!
Max Bialystock: What's wrong?
Leo Bloom: You're gonna jump on me!
Max Bialystock: What?
Leo Bloom: You're gonne jump on me!
Max Bialystock: No!
Leo Bloom: I know you're gonna jump on me...
Max Bialystock: No! Calm down...
Leo Bloom: ...And squash me like a bug!
Max Bialystock: Oh God.
Leo Bloom: Please don't jump on me!
Max Bialystock: I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!
Leo Bloom: [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!
[steps over Leo]
Max Bialystock: How can I help you?
Leo Bloom: [Screams] AAAHH!
Max Bialystock: What's wrong?
Leo Bloom: You're gonna jump on me!
Max Bialystock: What?
Leo Bloom: You're gonne jump on me!
Max Bialystock: No!
Leo Bloom: I know you're gonna jump on me...
Max Bialystock: No! Calm down...
Leo Bloom: ...And squash me like a bug!
Max Bialystock: Oh God.
Leo Bloom: Please don't jump on me!
Max Bialystock: I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!
Leo Bloom: [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!
[an outtake]
Max Bialystock: You okay?
Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.
[pause]
Max Bialystock: What?
[pause]
Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock: Feeling better?
Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.
Max Bialystock: You okay?
Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.
[pause]
Max Bialystock: What?
[pause]
Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock: Feeling better?
Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.
Roger De Bris: Oh dear, your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown. I should explain. I'm going to the choreographer's ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!
Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West?
[pause]
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!
Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West?
[pause]
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!
[Carmen answers the phone, a piano underscore playing]
Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling?
[Carmen frowns and the piano abruptly stops]
Carmen Ghia: Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
[he slams the phone down]
Roger De Bris: Who was that?
Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling?
[Carmen frowns and the piano abruptly stops]
Carmen Ghia: Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
[he slams the phone down]
Roger De Bris: Who was that?
Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max Bialystock: No kidding.
Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Giya: And we always win!
Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo Bloom: ...Where do you keep your wallet?
Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max Bialystock: No kidding.
Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Giya: And we always win!
Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo Bloom: ...Where do you keep your wallet?
Leo Bloom: Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... like hot lava rising higher and higher and - What is that, Max? What is it?
Max Bialystock: It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.
Max Bialystock: It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK!
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...
Accountants: [sung] Sad.
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer...
[spoken]
Leo Bloom: Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo Bloom: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public ASSHOLE! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo Bloom: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!
Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...
Accountants: [sung] Sad.
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer...
[spoken]
Leo Bloom: Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo Bloom: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public ASSHOLE! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo Bloom: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!
Concierge: Who d'ya want?
Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon?
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".
Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Bialystock: Thank you...
Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!
Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon?
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".
Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Bialystock: Thank you...
Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!
The landlord: He who signs a lease must pay rent. That's the law.
Max Bialystock: You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max Bialystock: [to God] Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land!
The landlord: [also to God] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.
Max Bialystock: You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max Bialystock: [to God] Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land!
The landlord: [also to God] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.
[Max is recollecting his life while in a jail cell; he imgaines his momma calling him]
Max Bialystock: Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin'... Someone *else's* life is flashing before my eyes. *What the hell is that about?* I'm not a hillybilly... I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything... even my past!
Max Bialystock: Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin'... Someone *else's* life is flashing before my eyes. *What the hell is that about?* I'm not a hillybilly... I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything... even my past!
Max Bialystock: Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Bialystock: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...
[spoken]
Roger De Bris: What's the word?
Leo Bloom: Gay?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Bialystock: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...
[spoken]
Roger De Bris: What's the word?
Leo Bloom: Gay?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!
Ulla: Mr. Bloom! Leo!
[running towards Leo]
Ulla: Your tie is all askew!
Leo Bloom: Askew?
[Leo lovingly looks on as Ulla adjusts is bowtie]
Leo Bloom: Well, thank you, Ulla. Have a good show.
[Leo and Ulla immediately embrace and kiss one another]
Leo Bloom: [after releasing himself from Ulla's kiss and embrace] Roll'em in the aisles.
Ulla: Okie-Dokie. I will try to. But there's just so many of them.
[running towards Leo]
Ulla: Your tie is all askew!
Leo Bloom: Askew?
[Leo lovingly looks on as Ulla adjusts is bowtie]
Leo Bloom: Well, thank you, Ulla. Have a good show.
[Leo and Ulla immediately embrace and kiss one another]
Leo Bloom: [after releasing himself from Ulla's kiss and embrace] Roll'em in the aisles.
Ulla: Okie-Dokie. I will try to. But there's just so many of them.
[preparing to perform "The Guten Tag Hop-Clop"]
Franz Liebkind: First, you must roll up your pants.
Max Bialystock: Okay.
[He and Leo begin to roll up their pant legs]
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Come on, don't be stingy! Show some LEG!
Franz Liebkind: First, you must roll up your pants.
Max Bialystock: Okay.
[He and Leo begin to roll up their pant legs]
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Come on, don't be stingy! Show some LEG!
Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max Bialystock: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
[Hold me-Touch me grabs an umbrella and mimcks carrying milk]
Hold Me-Touch Me: Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max Bialystock: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
Max Bialystock: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
[Hold me-Touch me grabs an umbrella and mimcks carrying milk]
Hold Me-Touch Me: Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max Bialystock: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
Carmen Ghia: [At Hitler auditions] Jason Green.
Roger De Bris: Well Jason, what have you been up to lately?
Jason Green: For the last 16 years, I've been touring in "No, No Nietzsche."
Roger De Bris: You played Nietzsche?
Jason Green: No, no.
Roger De Bris: What are you going to sing for us?
Jason Green: Have you ever heard the German band?
Roger De Bris: No.
Jason Green: That is the name of the song I am going to sing.
Roger De Bris: Oh.
Roger De Bris: Well Jason, what have you been up to lately?
Jason Green: For the last 16 years, I've been touring in "No, No Nietzsche."
Roger De Bris: You played Nietzsche?
Jason Green: No, no.
Roger De Bris: What are you going to sing for us?
Jason Green: Have you ever heard the German band?
Roger De Bris: No.
Jason Green: That is the name of the song I am going to sing.
Roger De Bris: Oh.
Max Bialystock: Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we *close* on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to *Rio!*
Franz Liebkind: Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick burning fuse or ze slow buring fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out.
[snips dynamite fuse]
Franz Liebkind: Zis is critical.
[lights fuse with match]
Franz Liebkind: Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.
[pause]
All: THE QUICK FUSE!
[explosion]
[snips dynamite fuse]
Franz Liebkind: Zis is critical.
[lights fuse with match]
Franz Liebkind: Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.
[pause]
All: THE QUICK FUSE!
[explosion]
Roger De Bris: [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger / no one more obscurer. / Got a phone call from the Reichstag / told me I was F¸hrer. / Germany was blue / What, oh, what to do? / Hitched up my pants / and conquered France. / Now Deutschland's smiling through!
Roger De Bris: [spoken] But it wasn't always so easy... It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I... I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break. Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And would you believe it? They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
Roger De Bris: [sung] It ain't no mystery / if it's politics or history. / The thing you've got to know is / everything is showbiz!
Roger De Bris: [spoken] But it wasn't always so easy... It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I... I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break. Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And would you believe it? They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
Roger De Bris: [sung] It ain't no mystery / if it's politics or history. / The thing you've got to know is / everything is showbiz!
Hold me, Touch me: I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road.
Max Bialystock: [stops making car noises] Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!
[continues making car noises]
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig!
[seriously]
Hold me, Touch me: Pull over.
Max Bialystock: [stops making car noises] Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!
[continues making car noises]
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig!
[seriously]
Hold me, Touch me: Pull over.
Franz Liebkind: You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies. Franz Liebkind will show you how to die like a man!
Franz Liebkind: [points gun to his own head and attempts to kill himself but is unsuccessful] Yada. Mmm yada! Boy, when things go wrong!
[he throws the gun onto the couch and a bullet shoots out]
Franz Liebkind: [points gun to his own head and attempts to kill himself but is unsuccessful] Yada. Mmm yada! Boy, when things go wrong!
[he throws the gun onto the couch and a bullet shoots out]
Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
[gags]
Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
[gags]
Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Franz Liebkind: [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me.
[they do]
Franz Liebkind: I solemnly svear...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [holding up their forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Franz Liebkind: Und!
Max Bialystock: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Leo Bloom: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind: [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never
Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max Bialystock: Is that right?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [shrugging] Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler.
[they do]
Franz Liebkind: I solemnly svear...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [holding up their forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Franz Liebkind: Und!
Max Bialystock: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Leo Bloom: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind: [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never
Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max Bialystock: Is that right?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [shrugging] Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler.
