The Stepford Wives Quotes
What does it take to become a Stepford wife, a woman perfect beyond belief? Ask the Stepford husbands, who've created this high-tech terrifying little town, in a very modern comedy-thriller.
Charmaine Wimperis: I don't think that, uh, Ed ever loved me. I mean, uh, he married me because I looked right and it made a big impression on the other TV executives for his wife to look like I look. God knows he's given me things, I... I'm not complaining on that score, but... uh... he never loved me.
Claire Wellington: I was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer. I had top-secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel. I was driven. Exhausted. Until late one night, I came home to find...
[stunned]
Claire Wellington: Mike... with Patricia. My brilliant... blond... 21-year-old research assistant. It was all so...
[in a deep manly voice]
Claire Wellington: ... ugly.
[Continues in a disconnectedly happy voice]
Claire Wellington: Then early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table at their lifeless bodies, I thought... "What have I done?" But more importantly... what could I do to make the world more beautiful?
[stunned]
Claire Wellington: Mike... with Patricia. My brilliant... blond... 21-year-old research assistant. It was all so...
[in a deep manly voice]
Claire Wellington: ... ugly.
[Continues in a disconnectedly happy voice]
Claire Wellington: Then early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table at their lifeless bodies, I thought... "What have I done?" But more importantly... what could I do to make the world more beautiful?
Bobbie Markowe: [after being stabbed] Joanna! How could you do a thing like that? How could you do a thing like that? How could you do a thing like that? When I was just going to give you coffee. When I was just going to give you coffee! When I was just going to give you coffee! I thought we were friends! I thought we were friends! I was just going to give you coffee! I was just going to give you coffee! I thought we were friends... I thought we were friends... I thought we were friends. How could you *do* a thing like that? I thought we were friends.
Joanna Eberhart: I won't be here when you get back, don't you see? It's going to happen before then. Don't ask me to explain it, I just know. There'll be somebody with my name, and she'll cook and clean like crazy, but she won't take pictures, and she won't be me! She'll - she'll, she'll be like one of those the robots in Disneyland.
Dr. Fancher: Alright, now listen. I'll give you a prescription which you have filled, then you gather up your children and you GET THE HELL AWAY! Don't tell your husband, don't tell anyone, just go, wherever you feel safe. Now, do you have family?
Joanna Eberhart: They're dead.
Dr. Fancher: Well, just drive, and stop some place. Then in a few days - I'll be back on the 10th - you ring me, I'll come to you, and we'll sort this thing out. Now how does that sound?
Dr. Fancher: Alright, now listen. I'll give you a prescription which you have filled, then you gather up your children and you GET THE HELL AWAY! Don't tell your husband, don't tell anyone, just go, wherever you feel safe. Now, do you have family?
Joanna Eberhart: They're dead.
Dr. Fancher: Well, just drive, and stop some place. Then in a few days - I'll be back on the 10th - you ring me, I'll come to you, and we'll sort this thing out. Now how does that sound?
Walter Kresby: First of all we are in the country now, so no more black.
Joanna Eberhart: No more black? Are you insane?
Walter Kresby: You heard me. Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, Manhattan career bitches wear black. Is that what you want to be?
Joanna Eberhart: Ever since I was a little girl.
Joanna Eberhart: No more black? Are you insane?
Walter Kresby: You heard me. Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, Manhattan career bitches wear black. Is that what you want to be?
Joanna Eberhart: Ever since I was a little girl.
Joanna Eberhart: [Showing her photos to her NYC Dealer and Gallery Owner] Am I crazy? Aren't they good? Please say something. I don't care. No, I do care. Don't say anything bad.
Mr. Atkinson: These are, um, really quite good.
Joanna Eberhart: You're not just saying that be cause you're frightened I, I might be a crazy lady?
Mr. Atkinson: Clearly you are a crazy lady, but clearly again, these are nice.
Joanna Eberhart: Wait a minute. You said 'Good'. 'Really quite good' you said. 'Good' is better than 'nice'. You're not changing your mind, are you?
Mr. Atkinson: No, the results are lovely. Don't get upset again. 'Lovely' is better than 'good'. But, um, what fascinates me is: What is it you want from it all? Do you know?
Joanna Eberhart: I want - somewhere, someday, someone to look at something and say 'Hey, that reminds me of an Ingalls'. 'Ingalls' was my maiden name. I guess I want to be remembered.
Mr. Atkinson: Yes, don't we all?
Mr. Atkinson: These are, um, really quite good.
Joanna Eberhart: You're not just saying that be cause you're frightened I, I might be a crazy lady?
Mr. Atkinson: Clearly you are a crazy lady, but clearly again, these are nice.
Joanna Eberhart: Wait a minute. You said 'Good'. 'Really quite good' you said. 'Good' is better than 'nice'. You're not changing your mind, are you?
Mr. Atkinson: No, the results are lovely. Don't get upset again. 'Lovely' is better than 'good'. But, um, what fascinates me is: What is it you want from it all? Do you know?
Joanna Eberhart: I want - somewhere, someday, someone to look at something and say 'Hey, that reminds me of an Ingalls'. 'Ingalls' was my maiden name. I guess I want to be remembered.
Mr. Atkinson: Yes, don't we all?
Joanna Eberhart: I've told you, I messed a little bit with women's lib in New York.
Bobbie Markowe: Didn't we all?
Joanna Eberhart: I'm not contemplating any Maidenform bonfires, but they could certainly use something around here.
Bobbie Markowe: Oh yeah.
Joanna Eberhart: You game?
Bobbie Markowe: I'm game. Boy, am I game!
Bobbie Markowe: Didn't we all?
Joanna Eberhart: I'm not contemplating any Maidenform bonfires, but they could certainly use something around here.
Bobbie Markowe: Oh yeah.
Joanna Eberhart: You game?
Bobbie Markowe: I'm game. Boy, am I game!
Walter Kresby: So that's why we have to leave Stepford? I'm not following.
Joanna Eberhart: Ok. Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic.
Walter Kresby: And I'm sure he still is.
Joanna Eberhart: No. Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit.
Walter Kresby: Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay. Don't try to make him into a stereotype.
Joanna Eberhart: Bobbie is right, and she's leaving too. This place does something to people. All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling, and all of the men are always happy.
Walter Kresby: And that's a problem because?
Joanna Eberhart: Because it's not normal, Walter. It's... It's not our world. It's not us. And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now, and we're getting out of here. With or without you.
[she goes to the front door but it is locked, she is extremely frusrated]
Walter Kresby: You'll never change will you? Not really.
Joanna Eberhart: [deadpan] Open the door.
Walter Kresby: [he disables the security system, Joanna is leaving when... ] And you're right.
Joanna Eberhart: [she turns to him] About what?
Walter Kresby: If you're that unhappy, then we should move. Maybe head back to the city. We could leave tomorrow.
Joanna Eberhart: [she sighs and hugs Walter] Thank you. Thank you.
Joanna Eberhart: Ok. Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic.
Walter Kresby: And I'm sure he still is.
Joanna Eberhart: No. Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit.
Walter Kresby: Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay. Don't try to make him into a stereotype.
Joanna Eberhart: Bobbie is right, and she's leaving too. This place does something to people. All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling, and all of the men are always happy.
Walter Kresby: And that's a problem because?
Joanna Eberhart: Because it's not normal, Walter. It's... It's not our world. It's not us. And I'm picking up our kids from camp right now, and we're getting out of here. With or without you.
[she goes to the front door but it is locked, she is extremely frusrated]
Walter Kresby: You'll never change will you? Not really.
Joanna Eberhart: [deadpan] Open the door.
Walter Kresby: [he disables the security system, Joanna is leaving when... ] And you're right.
Joanna Eberhart: [she turns to him] About what?
Walter Kresby: If you're that unhappy, then we should move. Maybe head back to the city. We could leave tomorrow.
Joanna Eberhart: [she sighs and hugs Walter] Thank you. Thank you.
Joanna Eberhart: [Joanna responding to Claude's request for her to do his speech recording project] ... just like your wife. Bobby and I tried to involve her in one of our projects, but she had too much ironing. Maybe you could convince her. Kit Sundersen, too. If they could find the time for me... I could find it for you.
Claude Axhelm: Isn't this uh... kind of blackmail, Joanna?
Joanna Eberhart: It's what made this country great, Claude.
Claude Axhelm: Isn't this uh... kind of blackmail, Joanna?
Joanna Eberhart: It's what made this country great, Claude.
Claire Wellington: Well, aren't you a bug's ear.
Kimberly Kresby: Bugs don't have ears.
Claire Wellington: Why, aren't you sassy? And a little sad.
[seeing Joanna in the car]
Claire Wellington: And this must be Joanna.
[whispering to Walter]
Claire Wellington: Electroshock?
Walter Kresby: Yes, but she's doing much better.
Claire Wellington: Hello, little energizer.
Kimberly Kresby: Bugs don't have ears.
Claire Wellington: Why, aren't you sassy? And a little sad.
[seeing Joanna in the car]
Claire Wellington: And this must be Joanna.
[whispering to Walter]
Claire Wellington: Electroshock?
Walter Kresby: Yes, but she's doing much better.
Claire Wellington: Hello, little energizer.
Ike Mazzard: [Handing drawing to Joanna] In case you're wondering what I've been doing.
Joanna Eberhart: You're not the Ike Mazzard are you?
Ike Mazzard: I'm afraid so.
Joanna Eberhart: Walter tell him, I'm just awful on names. You'll have to forgive me. I used to gawk at all those girls in those magazines. You blighted my adolescence, you know that?
Walter Eberhart: [Grinning] I thought I benighted your adolescence.
Joanna Eberhart: You're not the Ike Mazzard are you?
Ike Mazzard: I'm afraid so.
Joanna Eberhart: Walter tell him, I'm just awful on names. You'll have to forgive me. I used to gawk at all those girls in those magazines. You blighted my adolescence, you know that?
Walter Eberhart: [Grinning] I thought I benighted your adolescence.
Joanna Eberhart: Bobbie! Bobbie... this isn't you...
Bobbie Markowitz: That's right, Joanna! This isn't me, it's a whole new me. I'm happy, and I'm healthy, because I understand what's important in life.
Joanna Eberhart: Yes, your new book!
Bobbie Markowitz: [starts advancing on Joanna] That's right! That's what's important, my new cookbook. And my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home. It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you. I'm your friend, Joanna, I'm going to help you. You need me.
Joanna Eberhart: You stay away from me!
Bobbie Markowitz: You are driven.
Joanna Eberhart: Well, sometimes...
Bobbie Markowitz: And you're selfish! You wanna rule the world! I can fix you. I can change you.
Joanna Eberhart: [notices Bobbie's hand is resting upon the lit stove, yet she doesn't burn] What... have... they... done... to... you?
Bobbie Markowitz: Let's get busy!
Bobbie Markowitz: That's right, Joanna! This isn't me, it's a whole new me. I'm happy, and I'm healthy, because I understand what's important in life.
Joanna Eberhart: Yes, your new book!
Bobbie Markowitz: [starts advancing on Joanna] That's right! That's what's important, my new cookbook. And my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home. It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you. I'm your friend, Joanna, I'm going to help you. You need me.
Joanna Eberhart: You stay away from me!
Bobbie Markowitz: You are driven.
Joanna Eberhart: Well, sometimes...
Bobbie Markowitz: And you're selfish! You wanna rule the world! I can fix you. I can change you.
Joanna Eberhart: [notices Bobbie's hand is resting upon the lit stove, yet she doesn't burn] What... have... they... done... to... you?
Bobbie Markowitz: Let's get busy!
Claire Wellington: [at the Stepford Bookclub, Claire is discussing a book on Christmas] Now Bobbi. We all realize you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable with this weeks book because...
[Frowns]
Claire Wellington: what's the word I'm looking for
Additional Stepford Wife: New?
Sarah Sunderson: Scared?
Roger Bannister: Cranky?
Claire Wellington: [remembering] Jewish.
Bobbi Markowitz: [smiling] Same thing.
Claire Wellington: [to all] But the Heritage Hills series is very inclusive. In fact there is a whole chapter,
[to Bobbi]
Claire Wellington: about Chanukah
[Frowns]
Claire Wellington: what's the word I'm looking for
Additional Stepford Wife: New?
Sarah Sunderson: Scared?
Roger Bannister: Cranky?
Claire Wellington: [remembering] Jewish.
Bobbi Markowitz: [smiling] Same thing.
Claire Wellington: [to all] But the Heritage Hills series is very inclusive. In fact there is a whole chapter,
[to Bobbi]
Claire Wellington: about Chanukah
Claire Wellington: Today, we are going to discuss - well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read. Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring: The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectibles!
[wives and Roger squeal and applaud with delight]
Claire Wellington: This book said to me, 'Let's celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ... with yarn.'
[wives and Roger squeal and applaud with delight]
Claire Wellington: This book said to me, 'Let's celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ... with yarn.'
Roger Bannister: [Excited] Jerry... Jerry, its a bakesale! An actual bakesale! It's like some heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian in the Hall of Homemakers.
Roger Bannister: Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. That is not cobbler!
Jerry Harmon: Roger... could we - could we reel it in a couple hundred yards?
Roger Bannister: [to the Stepford Wives at bakesale] How do you ladies keep your figures? Is there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere?... But worth it?
Roger Bannister: Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. That is not cobbler!
Jerry Harmon: Roger... could we - could we reel it in a couple hundred yards?
Roger Bannister: [to the Stepford Wives at bakesale] How do you ladies keep your figures? Is there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere?... But worth it?
