The Waterboy

The Waterboy Quotes

A waterboy for a college football team discovers he has a unique tackling ability and becomes a member of the team.

Mama Boucher: You gonna lose all your fancy "fools' balls" games! And your gonna fail your big exam! Because school is...
Bobby Boucher: The devil?
[Mama gasps]
Bobby Boucher: Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs out, slamming the door, then comes back in] And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their "Medula Oblongata"!
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs back out, then back in again] And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies and I like them too!
[slams door on Mama]
Mama Boucher: Bobby, deh ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye?
Bobby Boucher: No Mama, the search continues.
Coach Klein: Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too.
Bobby Boucher: No, you people are drinkin the wrong water.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher: H2O.
Coach Klein: Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher: H2O.
Coach Klein: [singing] Water sucks. It really, really sucks. Water sucks.
[after Bobby demonstrates his tackling ability]
Coach Klein: Bobby, can you do that for me every game?
Bobby Boucher: Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.
Bobby Boucher: My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.
Dan Fouts: The waterboy just needed some water!
Brent Musburger: Wow Dan, did you come up with that all by yourself?
Dan Fouts: Shut up, Brent.
Bobby Boucher: So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
Coach Klein: Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass.
Lawrence Taylor: Gentlemen, which brings me to my next point. Don't smoke crack.
Bobby Boucher: Now that's what I call high quality H2O.
Bobby Boucher: [after reading a question about Benjamin Franklin] Ben Franklin.
Young Bobby Boucher: [flashback to Bobby's childhood] Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?
Mama Boucher: That's nonsense, I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the Devil!
Bobby Boucher: Look who's on TV, Mama... it's the devil.
Paco: I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability... or a fully functional brain. You see, you're an inspriation, to all of us who... who weren't born handsome, and charming and cool, and and...
[breaks out in tears]
Mama Boucher: No son of mine is gonna play any foos-ball.
[upon hearing that Bobby Boucher has been benched]
Townie: Oh no! We suck again!
[after watching Bobby tackle a player]
Paco: Look at Bobby tackle. I haven't seen a tackle like that since Joe Montana.
Walter: Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot.
Paco: I said Joe Mantegna.
Guy Grenouille: Hey, moron! Hey! Moron! Duh! L-L-Look at me. I'm th-th-the waterboy. Duh! I got a wooden spoon! Duh!
Greg Meaney: [Bobby pictures the people who tomented him in the past] Smells like you need a shower, stinky!
[Meaney laughs evily]
Coach Red Beaulieu: You're fired!
[Red laughs evilly]
Bobby Boucher: [Captain Insano and Jim Simmonds laugh]
[Bobby becomes enraged]
Bobby Boucher: Stop makin' fun of me!
Guy Grenouille: Red thirty! Hut!
[Bobby chases Grenouille, screaming, then ramming and tackling him hard to the ground]
Coach Klein: [in amazement] Wow!
Derek Wallace: Damn!
Casey Bugge: He poked me in the eye!
Bobby Boucher: Captain Insano shows no mercy.
Coach Klein: [after football player spits loogie in water tank] Are you all right?
Bobby Boucher: I wasn't gonna do nothin', coach!
Coach Klein: Well ya better do something. You gotta stick up for yourself, Bobby.
Bobby Boucher: But what about the finally tuned athletic machine?
Coach Klein: I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage!
Coach Klein: [it's half-time at the Bourbon Bowl and they're in the locker room] Anybody got an idea?
[Silence]
Derek Wallace: Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?
[Everybody chuckles]
Lyle Robideaux: Yeah, that was pretty funny. How 'bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?
[Everybody laughs]
Guy Grenouille: Y'all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass?
[Everybody laughs]
Farmer Fran: Remember the time Bobby Boucher...
[Begins to mumble in his southern drawl, and everybody stares at him]
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby shows up in the locker room by surprise] Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya?
[Everybody starts cheering and shouting]
Dan Fouts: Bobby Boucher sure knocked the poop out of him.
Brent Musburger: [Looks at Dan] Poop?
Vicki Vallencourt: [after Bobby has gotten his test scores back] Well, Bobby Boucher, welcome to manhood. I'll make sure to welcome you properly later.
Bobby Boucher: Once again, I'm not quite sure what that means.
Paco: Hey Walter! I bet you fifty bucks Guy Grenouille throws a touchdown pass on the first play. Check it out!
Paco: [Guy Grenouille throws an interception] Woo hoo hoo hoo! You owe me fifty bucks!
Walter: You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole!
Townie: You can do it. Cut his fucking head off.
Bobby Boucher: Nice hit, Mama.
Mama Boucher: Thanks, baby. Now you go on and have some fun becomin' a man.
Rita: Is there a girl you're seein'?
Bobby Boucher: Seein'? Uh, I see a lot of girls... I see a lot of guys too.
Rita: I think that's sexy, you ever been with a guy and girl at the same time?
Bobby Boucher: Oh yea, plenty of times. The other night, I was with my Mama and Coach Klein at the same time.
Mama Boucher: [to Bobby] You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.
Townie: You can do it... you can do it all night loong!
Bobby Boucher: Mama, something bad happened today.
Mama Boucher: [Pulls up a knife] Did somebody hurt you my boy?
Guy Grenouille: I don't want that loser on the team. Everybody's gonna laugh at us.
Lyle Robideaux: Everybody already 'is' laughing at us. We haven't won a game since nineteen-ninety-FOUR.
Bobby Boucher: [searching for #62] Sixty-two, sixty-two... there you are!
Guy Grenouille: Nice going, shithead. You lost us the football game.
Bobby Boucher: Sorry. Will you please still be my friend?
Guy Grenouille: No, get away from me.
Walter: Let's kick some names and take some ass.
Bobby Boucher: Good luck on the upcoming play.
West Mississippi Lineman: I'll be playing with your mama tonight.
Bobby Boucher: [stares at him] Sixty-two...
Mama Boucher: [after Vicki Vallencourt mentions a football game] Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other... 'Member when dat man wanted you to play foos-ball, Bobby?
Coach Klein: Nice suit!
Dan Fouts: Last game of the year Brent, can't hold anything back now.
Brent Musburger: I know.
Townie: [Rob Schneider] You can do it!
Lynn Swann: You gonna add another championship trophy to the old case downstairs?
Coach Red Beaulieu: That's kinda like my old man told me one time, Lynn. The only thing better than a crawfish dinner, is five crawfish dinners.
Bobby Boucher: Excuse me, ladies, while I just go hang myself.

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