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When their father passes away, four grown siblings are forced to return to their childhood home and live under the same roof together for a week, along with their over-sharing mother and an assortment of spouses, exes and might-have-beens.
Judd Altman: It's hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up.
Judd Altman: Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife. Wendy Altman: No, you weren't. Judd Altman: No? Wendy Altman: No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been? Judd Altman: Yep... That's fair.
Phillip Altman: Sometimes I think you're too good for me. Tracy Sullivan: Don't be silly, I'm definitely too good for you.
Paul Altman: Dad always had a soft spot for him. Judd Altman: I think he liked us because we're a lot like him; he liked Phillip because he's nothing like him.
Hillary Altman: You can't leave this house; we're sitting shiva. Wendy Altman: Mom, you're sitting in the exact same spot we put our Christmas tree.
Penny Moore: You used to laugh at my jokes. Judd Altman: No, I didn't. Penny Moore: Yes, you did. Judd Altman: Yes, I did, but your jokes used to be funnier.
Wendy Altman: Don't worry about Chelsea. Philip's skanky ex-girlfriends are a dime a dozen. Tracy Sullivan: Do they all have to look like Victoria's Secret models? Wendy Altman: She's not that hot. Tracy Sullivan: Oh, come on! I would do her. Wendy Altman: Yeah. I wouldn't say that in front of my brother.
Phillip Altman: Dad was a stoner? Judd Altman: No, it was probably medicinal. Phillip Altman: It always is.
Horry Callen: Brain injury. There are things I can't do. Judd Altman: Like what? Horry Callen: Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.
Judd Altman: I'm gonna have to forgive her for the sake of that kid, aren't I? Phillip Altman: Well, I'm no expert... but I think you're gonna have to make much larger sacrifices down the road.
Linda Callen: It would be a terrible mistake to go through life thinking that people are the sum total of what you see.
Judd Altman: What's the matter with you. Do you ever think before you speak? Phillip Altman: No, that would take all the fun out of it.
Judd Altman: I don't understand the Shiva. Mom's not even Jewish, and dad was an atheist. Wendy Altman: A Jewish atheist, and this is what he wanted.
Phillip Altman: Sorry I'm late Judd Altman: You're a dick. Phillip Altman: Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Judd Altman: Your shirt is on inside out. Phillip Altman: That, I did not know
Quinn Altman: Hi Phillip Phillip Altman: Quinn. I always knew there was something of a cold hearted slut in you Quinn Altman: It takes one to know one. Phillip Altman: Touché, Pussycat.
Wendy Altman: You need to put a baby in that woman, like yesterday. Paul Altman: I'm working on it. Wendy Altman: Have you had your man parts checked? Paul Altman: Come on, not now Wendy. Wendy Altman: You may have emptied them over the years... My room was next to yours... My room was next to yours.
Judd Altman: You can't possibly know it' mine. Quinn Altman: Trust me, it's yours. Judd Altman: Well, strangely, trust is not the first impulse I have when it comes to you.
Wendy Altman: So, you are going to sleep with Penny, so you can forgive Quinn, and then get back on the road more traveled, and forget you ever got off.
Judd Altman: We've come apart there Mom. Could you please close that robe, please. Cover it! Hillary Altman: They are just breasts, Judd. The same ones you suckled at. Judd Altman: No Mother, those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. Those are... those are... you've got bionic breasts now. Hillary Altman: Your Father didn't see it that way. He used to like to put his penis... Judd Altman: Jesus Christ, Mother. Thank you
Judd Altman: You coming in? Judd Altman: Should I? Penny Moore: I would.
Wade Beaufort: Stop chasing tens. Bang a four. Bang a five. Look at the gratitude in their face. You be the best part of their year.
Phillip Altman: Boner is a man of God now. I see Mom's new tits are present and accounted for