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Three unemployed actors accept an invitation to a Mexican village to replay their bandit fighter roles, unaware that it is the real thing.
Jefe: I have put many beautiful pinatas in the storeroom, each of them filled with little suprises. El Guapo: Many pinatas? Jefe: Oh yes, many! El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas? Jefe: A what? El Guapo: A *plethora*. Jefe: Oh yes, you have a plethora. El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora? Jefe: Why, El Guapo? El Guapo: Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora. Jefe: Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?
Rosita: I was thinking later, you could kiss me on the veranda. Dusty Bottoms: Lips would be fine.
Lucky Day: You dirt-eating piece of slime! You scum-sucking pig! You son of a motherless goat!
Lucky Day: Reading telegram: "Three Amigos, Hollywood, California. You are very great. 100,000 pesos. Come to Santa Poco put on show, stop. The In-famous El Guapo." Dusty Bottoms: What does that mean, in-famous? Ned Nederlander: Oh, Dusty. In-famous is when you're MORE than famous. This man El Guapo, he's not just famous, he's IN-famous. Lucky Day: 100,000 pesos to perform with this El Guapo, who's probably the biggest actor to come out of Mexico! Dusty Bottoms: Wow, in-famous? In-famous?
Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: [singing] My little Buttercup has the sweetest smile/ Dear little Buttercup, won't you stay a while?/ We'll settle down together in a cottage built for two/ Oh, Dear little Buttercup, I love you! Lucky Day: [motioning for people to join in singing] C'mon, everybody! Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: My little Buttercup has the sweetest... [points to man] Patron: Es-smile! Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: Dear little Buttercup, won't you stay a... [points to another man] Patron #2: While! While! Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: We'll settle down together in a cottage built for two, ohh... [Lucky and Ned point to group at table] Crowd at Bar: Dear! Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: Little Buttercup! [Lucky and Ned point to another group] Crowd at Bar: Sweet! Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: Little Buttercup! [Lucky points to bartender] Bartender: My little Buttercup! Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: I love you!
Juanita: Which one do you like? Carmen: I like the one that's not so smart. Juanita: Which one is that?
Lucky Day: Oh, great. You killed the invisible swordsman! Ned Nederlander: [runs over to check] He's dead, all right. Dusty Bottoms: How was I supposed to know where he was? Lucky Day: You were supposed to fire up. *We* both fired *up*. [aside] Lucky Day: It's like living with a six-year old.
El Guapo: Jefe, you do not understand women. You cannot force open the petals of a flower. When the flower is ready, it opens itself up to you. Jefe: So when do you think Carmen will open up her flower to you? El Guapo: Tonight, or I will kill her!
Lucky Day: Not so fast El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil! El Guapo: What do you mean? Lucky Day: I don't know. Jefe: I think he means that if you... El Guapo: Shut up!
Lucky Day: Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Ned Nederlander: Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there. Dusty Bottoms: Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find... Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: The Three Amigos!
Lucky Day: In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!
Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: [the Three Amigos have just finished their meal of "desert bat" around the campfire] Ned Nederlander: Well, good night! [lays back] Dusty Bottoms: Look at the little guy. He's tuckered out all ready. Ned Nederlander: [Ned hears a howl in the distance and sits up, startled] Wha? Wha, what was that! Lucky Day: Just a coyote. Ned Nederlander: Oh. [Ned nervously sits back] Ned Nederlander: Just, I've never slept outside before... Lucky Day: [calmly] Take it easy, take it easy. Dusty... [he motions for Dusty to pick up his guitar and play a song to settle Ned's nerves] Dusty Bottoms: [begins to pick an appropriate song on his guitar, and sing] Arizona moon, keep shining. From the desert sky above. You know pretty soon, that big yellow moon, will light the way back, to the one you love... Lucky Day: [singing] Blue, Shadows, on the traiiiiiilllll. Little cowboy, close your eyeeesssss and dreeeaaaaammmm. [Dusty joins in] Lucky Day: All of the doggies are in the coral. All of your work is done. Just close your eyes, and dream, little pal, dream of, someone... Ned Nederlander: [the Amigo's horses are now singing] Bom bom bom bom, bom bom bom bom, bom bom bom bom, bom bom bom bom! Bom bom bom bom, bom bom bom bom, bom bom bom bom, Bom bom bom bom! [Ned, much calmer, now sings] Ned Nederlander: Bluuuuuuueeee, Shadowwssss, on the traaaaaiiiiiillllll. Soft wind blowin', through the treeeeeeesssss, abooooovvvvveeee. [gets baritone on these notes] Lucky Day: [looks to Dusty, impressed] Ned Nederlander: All of the other little cowboys, down in the bunkhouse now, so... Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: [All together] Close, your, eyes and... Ned Nederlander: drrreeeeeeaaaaaammmmmmmm. Dusty Bottoms: [Dusty wraps up the melody, picking the last notes on the guitar] Ned Nederlander: Good night, Lucky. Good night, Dusty. Lucky Day: Good night, Ned. Dusty Bottoms: Good night, Ned. Ned's Horse: Good Night, Ned! Dusty Bottoms: Good night, Lucky. Lucky Day: Good night, Dusty.
Dusty Bottoms: Do you have anything here besides Mexican food?
Lucky Day: Well, we're just gonna have to use our brains. Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: Damn it!
El Guapo: Are gringos falling from the sky? [Ned falls from overhead and lands with a thud] Jefe: Yes, El Guapo.
[Dusty Bottoms and Lucky Day thinks Ned Nederlander is saying "mail" plane] Dusty Bottoms: What is it doing here? Ned Nederlander: I think it's a male plane. Dusty Bottoms: How can you tell? Ned Nederlander: Didn't you notice its little balls?
Pablo: Can I have your watch when you are dead?
El Guapo: El Guapo only kills men. [horse neighs, Three Amigos shuffle nervously] El Guapo: He does not kill crying women! [Three Amigos let out a sigh of relief]
Bartender: We don't have beer. Just tequila. Ned Nederlander: What's tequila? Bartender: Uh, it's like beer.
Lucky Day: Look up here!
Jefe: Could it be that once again you are angry for something else, and you are taking it out on me?
Conchita: [El Guapo has kidnapped Carmen and taken her to his fortress] Carmen, tonight you are to be El Guapo's woman. I am going to give you some hints about lovemaking with El Guapo. Carmen: I would rather die first! Conchita: Tell me, Carmen, do you know what foreplay is? Carmen: [Carmen shakes her head, trembling slightly with fear] No... Conchita: Good! Neither does El Guapo.
Ned Nederlander: Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip, [shouts] Ned Nederlander: Nanny! Lucky Day: Faaaaarley, Farley, Farley, Faaaaaaarley! Dusty Bottoms: Hfurhrmrgurny
Ned Nederlander: Sew, very old one! Sew like the wind!
Ned Nederlander: This is not a town of weaklings! You can use your strengths against El Guapo. Now, what is it that this town really does well? Townspeople: Hmmm. Hmmm? Ummm. [long pause] Mama Sanchez: We can sew! Dusty Bottoms: There you go, you can sew. Ned Nederlander: Ah. Dusty Bottoms: If only we had known this sooner.
[Dusty Bottoms is posing as one of El Guapo's men, and El Guapo is struggling to remember who he is and what they've done together] El Guapo: Oh-ho, you... Dusty Bottoms: Jose! [the bandidos cheer] El Guapo: Together, we... Dusty Bottoms: Burned the village! El Guapo: Burned the village! [the bandidos cheer] El Guapo: And, uh... Dusty Bottoms: [trilling the "r"] ... rrrrrrrrraped de horses! [the bandidos cheer] El Guapo: And we... Dusty Bottoms: Rode off on de wimmin! El Guapo: Rode off on de wimmin! [the bandidos cheer, a bit more quietly] El Guapo: And uh... Dusty Bottoms: Plundered! El Guapo: Plundered! [the bandidos cheer] El Guapo: And uh... Dusty Bottoms: Pruned! El Guapo: ...pruned the, uh... Dusty Bottoms: Hedges! El Guapo: ...hedges of... Dusty Bottoms: Many small villages!
Dusty Bottoms: Time for plan B. Plan A was to break into El Guapo's fortress. Carmen: And that you have done, now what? Dusty Bottoms: Well we really dont have a plan B. We didn't expect for the first plan to work. Sometimes you can overplan these things.
Mr. Flugelman: Do you know what "nada" means? Dusty Bottoms: Isn't that a light chicken gravy?
Ned Nederlander: What are we even doing in Mexico? Ned Nederlander: We're not getting paid that's for sure!
Morty: Yo, cowboy. Why don't you come down here and sit on my lap? I wanna show you something.
Rodrigo, Carmen: [Carmen and Rodrigo have entered the telegraph's office to send a telegram to the Three Amigos to enlist their help with El Guapo] Three Amigos, Goldsmith Pictures, Hollywood California... Telegrapher: [nods as he is typing] Carmen: We have seen your deeds, and think you are very great. Telegrapher: seen your deeds... [continues typing] Carmen: We can pay you... One Hundred Thousand Pesos. Rodrigo: One Hundred Thousand Pesos? [telegrapher stops typing] Rodrigo: We do not have a hundred thousand pesos! Carmen: Don't worry Rodrigo, they will refuse it. But it would be an insult, not to offer it to them. Telegrapher: [nods head, continues to type] Carmen: One Hundred Thousand Pesos, if you come to Santo Poco, and put on a show of your strength, and stop the... the... Rodrigo: Evil! Murdering!... Carmen: Villaneous, El Guapo. So that once again, we can be, a peaceful village. Telegrapher: [nods as he finishes typing] Whew. [wipes his brow, grabs a pencil and counts the words to determine the price] Telegrapher: 23 pesos. [he smiles] Carmen: [looks to Rodrigo. Rodrigo looks at the cash, looks back to Carmen and shakes his head no] We only have... ten. Telegrapher: Hm. Okay, I give you the ten peso version! [begins to mark through some of the words] Telegrapher: You are very great! One Hundred Thousand Pesos, if you come to Santo Poco, put on show, stop the... [looks at the telegram, then looks up in thought, then back to Carmen] Telegrapher: I put, infamous, El Guapo! Carmen: Infamous? Telegrapher: Si'! [Spanish for "yes"] Telegrapher: ! It means, evil, murdering, all like you said! And it will save you money! Carmen: Oh, thank you! Telegrapher: Com'o no! [Spanish for "of course". He begins to enter the message via morse code to its destination] Telegrapher: .
Mr. Flugelman: It'll be a cold day in hell when Harry Flugelman lets an actor tell *him* what to do!
Dusty Bottoms: No, we will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions! Because we are... Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander: The Three Amigos!
Lucky Day: Oh great! Real Bullets!
[in the Saloon where they all thought The Amigos were the tough gunfighters the German guy told them about] Lucky Day: [singing] Dear Little Buttercup, won't you stay a... [he points at a scared patron at a table who exclaims] Patron: While, While!
Ned Nederlander: Chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip... LONNEEEEEEEE! [fires pistol] Lucky Day: Farley-farley-farley-farley-farley-farley... Hafurrrrrrr... [fires pistol] Dusty Bottoms: Kinut, hoooooola widdle! Tas, habble... sohn. [accidentally shoots the Invisible Swordsman]
Lucky Day: Dusty, how do you like your bat? Dusty Bottoms: Medium rare.
Lucky Day: [singing] My little butter cup has the sweetest. Patron: Eh-smile!
Sam: Get a wardrobe over here right away; take the Amigos' clothes.
Lucky Day: What we're talking about is money, real money, Amigo money. No dough, no show.
Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: [the Three Amigos step out into the street while Carmen gets the horses] Bandito #3: If I don't get some tequila, somebody's gonna die! [Shoots the clay pots off the railing at one of the nearby homes] Lucky Day: I'm Lucky Day! Ned Nederlander: I'm Ned Nederlander! Dusty Bottoms: And I'm Dusty Bottoms! And together we are... Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: The Three Amigos! [each does the Amigo salute] Lucky Day: [sees Carmen has brought the horses] Let's ride! Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: [the Three Amigos mount their horses, and ride to stand, horse to horse, with the banditos] Lucky Day: Well, you slime eating dogs! You scum sucking pigs! You sons of a motherless goat! Bandito #2: Son of a motherless goat? And who are you? Ned Nederlander: Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there! [pauses] Ned Nederlander: Line! Dusty Bottoms: [under breath] Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find... Ned Nederlander: Wherever liberty is threatened! You will find... Lucky Day, Ned Nederlander, Dusty Bottoms: The Three Amigos! [begin riding their horses all over the town square, shooting their pistols in the air] Lucky Day: Arriba! Ha Ha Ha Ha! Dusty Bottoms: [juggles his gun back and forth from each hand, grins] Ned Nederlander: Arriba! Bandito #3: Who are these monkeys? Bandito #2: I don't know! Bandito #3: Should we kill them? Bandito #2: No! Let's go tell El Guapo what we have seen here! Bandito #2, Bandito #3: [turn their horses around, and ride off towards their encampment] Lucky Day: Ah Ha Ha! And don't come back! Townspeople: Viva Los Amigos! Viva Los Amigos! Pablo: Viva Los Amigos! [the townspeople begin to cheer and chant the Amigos]
Dusty Bottoms: Well I'd like to continue to work for free, Mr. Flugleman.
[Before Ned's duel, Jefe gives him a heavy bandit's pistol] Jefe: You wanna die with a man's gun. Not a little sissy gun like this.
Lucky Day: [Lucky returning to group, now realizing that el Guapo and his gang, are real outlaws] It's real. Dusty Bottoms: What? Lucky Day: This is real. Ned Nederlander: You mean... Lucky Day: Yes, they are going... to kill us. [Amigos begin sobbing pathetically] Ned Nederlander: [Sobbing] What am I doing in Mexico. Lucky Day: [Sobbing] I've been shot already. Ned Nederlander: [Sobbing] I know. Dusty Bottoms: [Sobbing] What are we gonna do? Ned Nederlander: [Sobbing] We're not gonna get PAID, that's for sure.
El Guapo: [as he first sees the Three Amigos riding in a circle shooting blanks in the air] I like these guys! They are funny guys!
Ned Nederlander: Tell us we will die like dogs. El Guapo: Eh? Ned Nederlander: Tell us we will die like dogs. El Guapo: You *will* die like dogs.
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