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A family vacationing in a small town discovers the entire town is inhabited by goblins in disguise as humans, who plan to eat them.
Arnold: They're eating her... and then they're going to eat me... OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Michael: Do you see this writing...? Do you know what it means...? Hospitality. And you can't piss on hospitality! I WON'T ALLOW IT! [reaching for his belt] Joshua: What are you going to do to me, Daddy? Michael: Tightening my belt one loop so that I don't feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise. Okay, Joshua. You wanna get rough with me? You wanna show me that you don't like the choice of this house for our vacation by going on a hunger strike? Well, I'll accept the challenge. But just remember when I was your age, I really did suffer from hunger. We'll se who gets through this, but just remember I've got more practice than you. I'll see you tomorrow.
[Elliott sneaks into Holly's bedroom] Holly: Elliott! What kind of idiotic joke is this? You scared the shit out of me! Elliott: I'm the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman. Holly: [Punches Elliott in the groin] Release your instincts in the bathroom. Elliott: Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo? Holly: Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you.
Joshua: A double-decker bologna sandwich! Creedence: Aaahhh! Think about the cholesterol! Think about... THE TOXINS...!
Joshua: Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!
Diana: Grampa Seth has been gone for more than six months now. You were at the funeral, and I know it was very difficult for you. It was also very difficult for your father, and for Holly, and for me his daughter.
Brent: [gasping for air after being covered with popcorn] No more... no more popcorn!
[last lines] Joshua: They're eating my mom! Troll: Do you want some, Joshua? Joshua: AHHHHH!
Drew: Coffee. Drugstore Owner: There's no coffee in Nilbog. It's the devil's drink. Drew: Eggs. Drugstore Owner: Bleah! Drew: Bacon. Drugstore Owner: Are you crazy, boy? We're vegetarians here in Nilbog. Didn't you know that? Here's some Nilbog milk. Special milk. High in vitamin content. Here, it's free. Drew: Free? Drugstore Owner: Of course it's free. We love tourists here in Nilbog. Try some, boy, and have some of your friends drink some also.
Diana: Joshua, start singing. Come on, sing that song I like so much. Joshua: I don't feel like singing, Mom! Diana: Just sing. Joshua: [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... Diana, Joshua: [both singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream...
Joshua: We NEED Grandpa Seth here! Holly: But how do we get him to come? By having a seance maybe? Joshua: You're genius big sister!
Diana: Don't hit him, Michael! PLEASE don't hit him! Holly: Why not? It's what he deserves - a big spanking for a little shit! Diana: Joshua is not a little shit; he's just very sensitive.
Troll: Ow-ur qu-een is callin... g us...
Creedence: THAT... is ENOUGH!
Seth: The Stonehenge magical stone... the goblins' magic power!
Arnold: [confronting a group of trolls chasing a girl] Let me give you some helpful advice, you... dwarves. Get out of here... or you will be in a lot of trouble. [winks at girl] Arnold: [Trolls look at each other in confusion] Arnold: And remember... Troll: Kill him! [throws a spear at Arnold] Arnold: Arrgghh! Arrgghh!
Creedence: What's the matter? Aren't you hungry? Brent: Well, I like popcorn... Creedence: We'll just have to... heat it up!
Arnold: [after his female companion sips the broth and starts immediately getting sick] What's wrong, what's wrong with her? Creedence Leonore Gielgud: Quit worrying about her and drink your broth.
Creedence Leonore Gielgud: This is MYYY HOUSSSSSSSE! [arrives downstairs] Creedence Leonore Gielgud: Allow me to introduce myself. I am CREEEEDENCE Leonore Gielgud, of ancient druid origins... My ancestors came from Stonehenge!
Sheriff Freak: There're sandwiches for tonight in here! It'll go easier on you if you eat'em. It'll make our work easy. Otherwise, we'll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY! [Throws bag at front door] Drugstore Owner: It would be a shame! The blood would mix with the meat, and we'd have to leave it in vinegar for the whole night!
Bells: We need some time for some things to happen!
Holly: But how are we going to make grandpa come?
Sheriff Freak: Is it ready? Man with bowl: [stiring bowl of white goop] Here it iiiiis nice and creamyyyyy...
Sheriff Freak: He was one of us... and you killed him! Now it's your turn!
Joshua: Don't tell me they ate him, Grandpa! Seth: That's exactly what happened... with a voracity than has no equal on Earth!
[after her seductive dance in the mirror] Holly: Dear Elliot Cooper, tomorrow morning will be your final chance. The beautiful Holly Waites, or your little boys. Make a choice Elliot.
Michael: We left at nine thirty an hour and a half off schedule and we never saw a sign of your beau. Holly: Elliot is not my beau! He's my boyfriend and he told me last night that he loves me and that he wanted to come on this trip with me and my family.
Seth: Half man, half plant. A goblin's favorite food.
Seth: These evil creatures can transform themselves into fleas-and-blood people whenever and however they want. Joshua: You're making a mistake Grandpa. Who said they can? You should of said they could or what kind of fairy tale is it? Seth: They can! They CAN! Goblins still exist! Your Grandpa Seth is telling you!
Diana: Michael! Who are the goblins? Michael: The goblins? [giggles]
Drew: Damn. there's no milk, there's no coffee. there's nothing. Guys, didn't anyone remember to bring supplies? Elliott: [Elliot and Brent laying in bed together] We left in too much of a hurry Drew. Go into town and do the shopping now. Drew: Yeah, with what? i don't have any money. Brent: Just take it out of the group fund.
Seth: You start a fire, I'll distract them with this.
Sheriff Freak: I'm Sheriff Gene Freak...
Diana: Good night, dear. Good night, dear.
Joshua: Grandpa! Are you really in Hell? Seth: No! But I know a trick that a friend of mine who went there taught me!
Man: I order you, with the sacred power of the magic stone and it's lord, GO... BACK... TO... HELL!