Tropic Thunder Quotes

Through a series of freak occurrences, a group of actors shooting a big-budget war movie are forced to become the soldiers they are portraying.

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!

Les Grossman: First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an un-Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script. The script reads me.

Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

Les Grossman: Now I want you to take a step back... and literally fuck your own face!

[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]
Jeff Portnoy: [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!
Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...
[pause]
Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn!
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.
Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.

Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We're supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.

Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man: you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's the end of the story". What's her name?
Alpa Chino: ...Lance
Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?
Alpa Chino: No! I said Nance. That's what I said, Nance.
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like Lance.
Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?

Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole! This muthafucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] What do you mean, "you people?"
Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do *you* mean, "you people?"
Kirk Lazarus: Huh?

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?

Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Radar. Elvins.
Kevin Sandusky: It's Kevin.
Jeff Portnoy: Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.
Jeff Portnoy: Your mother's a cankerous whore!
Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.

Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes.
Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!
Tugg Speedman: You're scared.
Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?
Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!
Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!
Tugg Speedman: Scared of you!

Kevin Sandusky: You guys all read the script, right?
Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script, script reads me.
[pause]
Kevin Sandusky: What the hell does that even mean?
Kirk Lazarus: [shouting] What you getting at with the book, scripts, spit that shit out, man!
[He smiles then frowns]

Kirk Lazarus: Cover me, limp dick fuck-ups!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.
Les Grossman: Ah... joking.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

Kevin Sandusky: There's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.
Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!
Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That's how we all talk? We all talk like dis, "suh"? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!
[hops away like a kangaroo]
Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man.

Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!
Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million... Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.

Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: Where is your farm...
[points a gun at Lazarus]
Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: ...AMERICAN?
Kirk Lazarus: My farm? Here's my mothafuckin' farm!
[pulls out guns and starts firing and whooping]
Kirk Lazarus: Kwan lo! I'm a lead farmer!

Alpa Chino: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons!
Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.

Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to the man's credit, he has eased up on the retard throttle.

Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."

Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging...
Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris...
[rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]
Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] ... nor am I Father O'Mallie...
Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard] ... or Neil Armstrong...
[Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]
Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie!
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
Alpa Chino: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby!
Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines.
Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax!
Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me-
[is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back]
Kirk Lazarus: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down.
Alpa Chino: What the fuck?
Kirk Lazarus: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby...
Alpa Chino: [pulling away] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help.
Kirk Lazarus: Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true.

Alpa Chino: [why he's in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid, that man's a national treasure.

Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgatin' me, ya pasty teabag! I'm goin' potty. Wanna hold my dick?

Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it's time to flip the script! We'll get to Chinese New Year waitin' for my man to cry.

Les Grossman: Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
Les Grossman: The universe... is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
[turns on T-Pain's Apple Bottom Jeans and begins to dance to the beat]
Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun! Ask... and you shall receive!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: [dancing along] Right...
Les Grossman: You play ball... we play ball. I knoowwww... you want the goodies!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room!
Les Grossman: You paying attention? I'm talking... G5, Pecker! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa... playa! Big dick playa!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!
Les Grossman: Big dick, baby!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Yep.
Les Grossman: [turns off the music] Or... you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick Peck: Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone, for some money and a G5?
Les Grossman: Yes.
Rick Peck: [pause] A G5 airplane?
Les Grossman: [whispering] Yes... and lots of money... playaaaa!
[turns on the music and dances again]

Kevin Sandusky: Tugg. Tugger. You're the last piece of the puzzle buddy. We need you! Your men need you. Are you with us?
Tugg Speedman: [pause] I'm a rooster illusion.
Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.

Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray disc, others backing HD DVD. People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they're pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination between gamers and porn. Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the uh most successful. But, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.
Kirk Lazarus: You talkin' to me this whole time?
Kevin Sandusky: I was talking to whoever was listening.
Kirk Lazarus: Jesus Christ, man!

Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole, this muthafucka's dead ain't no Chris Angel Mind Freak, David Blaine trap door, horseshit jumpin' off here.
Tugg Speedman: Hey, you wanna get on the train here or you wanna ruin another take, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!
Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yea.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: For certain man.
Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character? Hm?
Kirk Lazarus: [pause] I know but I don't have to tell you...
Tugg Speedman: You don't know.
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

Alpa Chino: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat!
Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass-water. That'll bring him around, it's a cure-all...

Four Leaf Tayback: Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.
Les Grossman: [beat] Who is this guy?
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Les, that's Four Leaf.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Les Grossman: Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job!

Alpa Chino: [Cody and Four-Leaf are tied to a post] What're you guys doing here?
Cody: He has hands!
Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien!
Cody: Bullshit!
Four Leaf Tayback: He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis!
Cody: Almost!
Alpa Chino: What're you talking about? Damien stepped on an old land mine.
Cody: Oh, sweet, thank God!

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg] We're tired of being your trail donkeys! Wandering around the jungle like you some kinda one man GPS! We lost man! We fucking lost!
Kirk Lazarus: [to Kevin] Tell him McKlutsky! Tell him what time it is!

Cody: Just say no to this, you drug-making midget!
[an explosion occurs]
Cody: Oh my God! I am moving to catering after this!

Alpa Chino: Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers.
Kirk Lazarus: [cocks unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back.
Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?

Les Grossman: [communicating with the production team in a video conference] Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn: Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.
Les Grossman: And who here is the key grip?
[the key grip raises his hand]
Les Grossman: You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard!
Key Grip: [reluctantly walks over to Damien] Sorry, man.
[punches him in the face]
Les Grossman: This is all your fault, you limey FUCK!

Kirk Lazarus: [in an interview on Access Hollywood] Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms which trigger human emotion.

Les Grossman: I will fucking massacre you!

Kirk Lazarus: You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] Goodbye mama, now you can have ice cream in heavan! I'll see you again tonight when I go to bed in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!

Jeff Portnoy: [heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Now, Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!

Les Grossman: Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring...

[Tugg has just killed a panda]
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!

Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 40, you're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: "One more flop, and it's over."
Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?

Cody: [setting off a rig of explosives] Big ass titties!

Kirk Lazarus: How's it goin' with that map, Chief?
Tugg Speedman: Huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Can I have a look at it?
Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah. Damien gave it to me, remember?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
Tugg Speedman: Uh-Huh. Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Okay.
Tugg Speedman: I got it.
Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down.
Tugg Speedman: Thank you.
Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. I'm just. Dude, I'm tryin'. I got your back man.
Tugg Speedman: Well I-I'm cool, alright?
Kirk Lazarus: You are cool?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, but...
Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslectic?
Tugg Speedman: No, the character is not dyslec...
Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer!

Jeff Portnoy: [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ha! You O-Ded!

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie.
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
Alpa Chino: I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack! I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.
Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid.

Kirk Lazarus: Here's my motherfuckin' farm!

Jeff Portnoy: [shoves drugs in guards' faces] Take this you bastards! Oh hilarious!
[the guards drop to the ground]
Jeff Portnoy: Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!

Cody: Damian, what's the dealie dude? Are we gonna blow up this tree line or what? Tuk-Tuk and Kim got the blue balls and I wanna let em squirt it for a go... Peter, can he hear me?
[one of the men bring a box to Cody]
Cody: That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He's making a fucking sweater here, I'm tryin' to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts.

Kirk Lazarus: [to Damien] Hey, man! One week down, two weeks behind, G.I. Joe can't cry, but it don't matter 'cause you didn't have the camera turned on anyway. Let's party!

Alpa Chino: Then what are we supposed to do, huh, 'cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets. Now that's the plan?
Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous.

[opening line]
Four Leaf Tayback: In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near-suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. And of those two, only one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.

Kirk Lazarus: Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy, and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: That's kind of how you look right now.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: Not Rambo I but II.
Tugg Speedman: Really?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, when he was cut up.
Tugg Speedman: I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know...
Kirk Lazarus: Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
Tugg Speedman: Thanks.
Kirk Lazarus: What's the secret, dude?
Tugg Speedman: It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
Kirk Lazarus: Really? Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough.
Tugg Speedman: You look good.
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips?
Tugg Speedman: What?
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got?
Tugg Speedman: There's, like, the pineapple...
Kirk Lazarus:
[Snatches map from Tugg Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus: Fuck you!
Tugg Speedman: Hey!
Kirk Lazarus: Hey!

Special Effects Assistant: They're bustin' caps like a muthafucka down there.
[pause]
Special Effects Assistant: This is F.U.B.A.R. I say we juice 'em, what do you think?
Four Leaf Tayback: Juice 'em.
Special Effects Assistant: [triggers the C4] Big ass titties!

Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy. So why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass...

Rick Peck: You can't be serious?
Les Grossman: You kick in the door to my house all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap for the 3rd runner-up "sexiest man alive" 1998... And you're asking if I'm SERIOUS?

Tugg Speedman: Look, Kirk, no offense. I know you're the big, fancy actor here, but I've done a lot more effect-driven films than you have and I think I can spot...
[Picks up Damien's severed head]
Tugg Speedman: a prop head when I see one!
[People around him gag]
Tugg Speedman: It's corn syrup, guys! Corn syrup and latex.
[Digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste; gets disgusted look on his face]
Tugg Speedman: Warm... blood-flavored corn syrup.

Jeff Portnoy: [after Jeff catches the bat that stole his heroin] Hahaha! Now you're dead! You OD'ed!
[he takes a bite out of the bat]
Jeff Portnoy: Aaaagghh! Fucking hell!
Alpa Chino: What the hell? Jeff, that was a BAT, man!
Jeff Portnoy: I don't have any more... jellybeans.

Alpa Chino: [slaps Lazarus] Told you I'd tag you back.
Kirk Lazarus: Can I tell you I'm sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I just got caught up in bein'...
Alpa Chino: In bein' a dumbass?
Kirk Lazarus: I guess so.
Alpa Chino: Why you still doin' the chicken-George shit? I have no idea.
Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I.
Alpa Chino: It's beyond me.
Kirk Lazarus: It's beyond me.
Alpa Chino: You confused.
Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused.
Alpa Chino: I know.
Kirk Lazarus: [after a long pause] But are we cool?
Alpa Chino: Not really.

Tugg Speedman: Wait, what?
Kirk Lazarus: Are you serious, you don't know? Man, everyone knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man - looks retarded, acts retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cars, autistic, sho', not retarded. You got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump - slow yes, retarded maybe, but he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping pong competition, that ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, Being There - infatile yes, retarded no. You went full retard, man... Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam - went full retard, went home empty handed.

Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me.
Kirk Lazarus: That's your stick buddy?
Tugg Speedman: His name is Twiggman.
Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us?

[Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the states.
Cody: Wait what? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?
Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!
Cody: Coast Guard.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.
Cody: Oh my god! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.!
Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot!
Cody: Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - it's like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!
Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time!
Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?

Jeff Portnoy: Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me. They say that the movie's just about farts. It's about family, and f...
[swear word gets bleeped]
Jeff Portnoy: ... you! You can't do what I do.

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disgused as another dude!
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You're a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman:

Les Grossman: [talking to Peck] Look fuck-stick, I'm incredibly busy, so why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass.
Les Grossman: [Peck looks dumbfounded] No, not you Helen, but I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theatres.

Kirk Lazarus: [referring to Damien dying] He ain't acting like God. He being judged by him.

Cody: I don't know what it's called; I only know the sound it makes when it *lies*!

Jeff Portnoy: Listen you cherry fuck, you call in that snake'n nape and get us some boomboom now!

Tugg Speedman: [the boy hands him a box, he removes the cloth from the box and looks inside] A little twig-man oscar. I'm going to call you half-squat, and you can call me... papa

Kirk Lazarus: [about Damian] Hey asshole. This motherfucker's dead. Ain't no Chriss Angel Mindfreak David Blaine Trapdoor shit jumping off here
Tugg Speedman: Hey, You wanna get in line or do you want blow another take.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no takes. Ain't no goddamn motion picture
Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah

Tugg Speedman: Tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?

Kevin Sandusky: [Kevin walks up to Jeff and causes him to spill his heroin] Hey Jeff what are you doin?
Jeff Portnoy: Fuckin'. Nothing man I'm eating jelly beans.
Kevin Sandusky: Whoa jelly beans can I have...
Jeff Portnoy: No you can't have any fuckin' jelly beans! You think you're the only one who gets sick when he doesn't get his jelly beans? Boundaries man...

Kirk Lazarus: Alright, that's lunch. Coming back to the same scene afterwards: lost in the goddamn jungle with Captain Simple Jack.

Kirk Lazarus: I don't break charachter until I do the DVD commentary!

Jeff Portnoy: [to Four Leaf] You grew hands?

Cody: [after blowing up a row of palm trees with napalm] Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!

[as Father O'Mallie from the "Satan's Alley" trailer]
Kirk Lazarus: I've been a bad boy, father.

Tugg Speedman: You tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?
Tugg Speedman: I don't know, but you need to tell them.
[Tugg turns around and walks back over the bridge]
Jeff Portnoy: Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die!
Four Leaf Tayback: Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let's go!
Kirk Lazarus: You've got hands? Fuck, you've got hands?

Jeff Portnoy: I don't wanna die like Hendrix!

Kirk Lazarus: Want some? Get Some!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. "Crisis", "explosion", "not rolling", "fired". These are just words.

Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!

Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

Jeff Portnoy: [after he and his co stars are left alone with Damien in the jungle] This is bullshit! I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.
[Damien slaps Jeff several times]
Jeff Portnoy: Ow! Fucking! Jesus! Dude!
Damien Cockburn: You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy V.C. Congratulations, Fats! You just got us all killed.

Kevin Sandusky: [to Jeff] I got a baaaad feeling on this one there, Fats.
Jeff Portnoy: [as Fats] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang!

Scorcher Preview Narrator: [voice over] In a time where to be different was to be condemned...
[Lazarus and Toby Maguire looks longingly at each other, both are dressed as monks]
Scorcher Preview Narrator: ... and to be condemned was to die, one man chose to question his God.
[Lazarus screams angrily]
Scorcher Preview Narrator: From Fox Searchlight, five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire. Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's coveted Crying Monkey Award, "Satan's Alley".
Kirk Lazarus: [voice over whispers] I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.

Les Grossman: We don't negotiate with terrorists.

Kirk Lazarus: [looking at the stars] Man that's beauty! Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about.

Cody: [rigging a bridge with explosives] Oh my God! I'm going into catering after this!

Kirk Lazarus: And the Oscar goes to. Yes! Tugg Speedman for "Tropic Blunder: The True Story Behind The Making Of The Most Expensive Fake True War Movie Ever"

Scorcher Preview Narrator: Now the one man who made a difference five times before... is about to make a difference again, only time this, it's different.

Rick Peck: I got the TiVo!

Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit!

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half-Squat
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is "Half-Squat"?

Alpa Chino: What the hell? That was a *bat*, man!

Kevin Sandusky: [Jeff staring at heroin] Jeff! Don't!
Jeff Portnoy: Doesn't matter what I do. I'll always be a screw-up no one will ever respect me.
Kevin Sandusky: That is not true, you're not screw-up you make so many people laugh.
Jeff Portnoy: They only laugh at my farts.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, we really need to go now!
Jeff Portnoy: This is all I deserve.
[Jeff grabs the pile heroin]

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You make my pee-pee maker t-t-tingle.

Jeff Portnoy: Let's move, we only have sixteen hours before they wake up!

Les Grossman: Fuck the jungle!

Rick Peck: [about Speedman] They're going to kill him!
Les Grossman: And we'll weep for him... in the press, set up a scholarship in his name, eventually - and I'm talkin' way, way down the road - we file an insurance claim.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose.

Rick Peck: How's the adoption thing going?
Tugg Speedman: Not good.
Rick Peck: At least you get to choose yours. I'm stuck with mine.

Tugg Speedman: That's the trailer right there.

[Peck bursts into Grossman's office unannounced]
Les Grossman: What do you need, Peck?
Rick Peck: What do YOU need, Les? Glasses?
Les Grossman: ...What?

Kevin Sandusky: Don't drink that water! That water's like a petri dish! Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?

Kirk Lazarus: Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.