Two stoners unknowingly smuggle a van - made entirely of marijuana - from Mexico to L.A., with incompetent Sgt. Stedenko on their trail.

Pedro: Hey how am I driving, man?
Man Stoner: [looks around] : I think we're parked.
Pedro: Man, what is in this shit, man?
Man Stoner: Mostly Maui Waui man, but it's got some Labrador in it.
Pedro: What's Labrador?
Man Stoner: It's dog shit.
Pedro: What?
Man Stoner: Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.
Pedro: Yeah?
Man Stoner: I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man. Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man, before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?
Pedro: You mean we're smokin' dog shit, man?
Man Stoner: Gets ya high, don't it?
[Song, "Rockin' Robin" plays... ]
Man Stoner: I think it's even better than before, you know?
Pedro: Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.
Man Stoner: Hey, hey don't take those, man.
Pedro: ...Wha?
Man Stoner: I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.
Pedro: Hey, man, I already took 'em, man.
Man Stoner: [laughing in astonishment] Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo...
Pedro: Hey, whaddaya mean "ho ho ho ho ho"?
Man Stoner: Oh... HU-WOW, MAN!
Pedro: Hey, what was in that shit, man?
Man Stoner: You just ate the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life!
Pedro: Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.
Man Stoner: Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month...
Pedro: Hey I've seen those guys walking around my neighborhood that took too much acid, man. The one guy, his head's swelled up like a pumpkin...
Man Stoner: [referring to the acid Pedro took] No, that's good acid, man.
Pedro: Another time, there was this guy...
Border Guard: So, how long you've been in Mexico?
Pedro: A week. I mean a day.
Border Guard: Well, which is it? A week or a day?
Pedro: A weekday.
Man Stoner: [Cheech starts toking on the giant joint] Toke, toke it up, man!
Man Stoner: [Cheech starts choking] Kinda grabs ya' by the boo-boo, don't it?
Man Stoner: [on police radio] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, can you hear me?
Clyde - Narc: Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters? Come in, headquarters. This is Officer Clive... we are...
Sgt. Stedenko: Use the codename! The codename!
Clyde - Narc: Headquarters, headquarters come in, please. The is Codename Hardhead.
Sgt. Stedenko: Hat! Hardhat! Give me that! Hello, radio dispatch? This is Codename Hardhat, Codename Hardhat, do you read me? Over.
Man Stoner: Was that Lardass?
Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Codename Hardhat! Do you read, radio dispatch?
Man Stoner: Hey, I got somethin' for ya, Lardass!
Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Hard... Hat! Do you understand?
Pedro: Lardass, Lardass!
Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?
Pedro: Naw, who is this is?
Sgt. Stedenko: This is Sergeant Stedenko!
Pedro: Oh yeah, you know who this is?
Sgt. Stedenko: No!
Pedro: Bye-bye, Lardass!
Arresting Officer: Sir, could I please see your license?
Pedro: Whuut?
Arresting Officer: Your license. Where's your license?
Pedro: It's back there on the bumper, man!
Arresting Officer: No, I mean your DRIVER'S license.
Pedro: Oh yeah, I got the bullshit back here man...
[gets license with great difficulty]
Pedro: Hey I thought'a somethin' really funny, man... Your mother!
[laughs]
Arresting Officer: [after dirty look, of course] Sir, what's your name?
Pedro: uuhhh... Isn't in on the license, man? Yeah, that's it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that's my name...
Man: You wanna get high man?
Pedro: Does Howdy Doody got wooden Balls man?
Arnold Stoner: [to wife, off camera] Sweetheart, I'll talk to him.
[to Anthony, "Man", as he makes a fruit smoothie]
Arnold Stoner: Son, your mother and me would like for you to cozy up to the Finkelstein boy. He's a bright kid, and, uh... he's going to military school, and... remember, he was an Eagle Scout...
Mrs. Tempest Stoner: Arnold...
Arnold Stoner: [shouting as wife continues] Will you shut up? We're not going to have a family brawl!
Mrs. Tempest Stoner: ...and a retard!
Arnold Stoner: We've put up with a hell of a lot.
[Anthony starts blender]
Arnold Stoner: Can this wait? Build your goddamn muscles, huh? You know, you could build your muscles picking strawberries. You know, bend and scoop... like the Mexicans.
[Anthony turns off blender and pours contents into tall glass]
Arnold Stoner: Shit, maybe I could get you a job with United Fruit! I got a buddy with United Fruit. Get you started. Start with strawberries, you might work your way up to these goddamn bananas!
[Anthony drinks from glass as his father shouts]
Arnold Stoner: When, boy? When... are you going to get your act together?
[Anthony turns to him and gives a loud belch]
Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [in disgust] Gross!
Arnold Stoner: [rubs his forehead with his hand] Oh, good God Almighty me. I think he's the Antichrist.
[turns to his son]
Arnold Stoner: Anthony, I want to talk to you. Now, listen!
[Anthony walks away and gives an obscene gesture behind his back]
Arnold Stoner: Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you! You get a goddamn job before sundown...
Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [pointing to Anthony as he walks away] Is that some kind of peace sign?
Arnold Stoner: ...or we're shipping you off to military school with that... goddamn Finkelstein... shit kid!
[turns away in frustration]
Arnold Stoner: Son of a BITCH!
Pedro: I been smoking since I was born, man, I can smoke anything, man. You know like I smoke that Michoacán, and Acapulco Gold, man. I even smoke that tied stick, you know?
Man Stoner: "Tied stick"?
Pedro: Yeah, you know that stuff that's tied to a stick.
Man Stoner: Ohh, THAI stick.
Unknown: Sgt. Stedenko what are you exactly looking for?
Sgt. Stedenko: Dope, drugs, weed, grass, toot, smack, quackers, uppers, downers, all arounders. You name it we want it!
Arnold Stoner: Dear God, almighty me... I think he's the Antichrist.
[stoned cop walks up to the van, where Pedro and Man have been trying to switch who's driving]
Cop: What do you guys want?
Pedro: Nothing.
Cop: Hey, do you mind if I have a, bite of your hot dog?
Pedro: Huh? No man, here, take the whole thing.
[the cop takes a huge bite]
Pedro: Want some fritos?
Cop: [through a mouthful of hot dog] no, this is fine! Thank you! Hey, you fellas have a nice day, okay?
Man Stoner: Hey man, what was that dude's trip? I mean what was he on, man?
Pedro: Man, I don't know but I wish we had some of it!
[after picking up Man, Pedro guns his car and takes off down the street]
Man Stoner: Ohhh! Ohhh!
Pedro: Hey, how far you goin' man?
Man Stoner: [points to the curb] Hey, right here would be fine, man!
Pedro: What, you're not afraid of a little speed, are ya man?
Man Stoner: Wha, you got some speed, man?
Pedro: Huh? Speed? Oh, no, I don't got no speed man. But you know what I do got? I got a joint man!
Man Stoner: Oh, wow.
Pedro: [gets it out and hands it to Man] Here, light that thing up man, let's get chinese-eyed.
Man Stoner: [eying the joint] Kinda skinny, isn't it?
Pedro: No, it's a heavy duty joint, man.
Pedro: Kinda looks like a toothpick.
Pedro: Naw, it's not a toothpick, man.
Man Stoner: No, it IS a toothpick, man.
[hands it back to Pedro]
Pedro: [looking at it, puzzled] it IS a toothpick!... wait a minute man, I got the shit right here.
[feels around in his pocket]
Pedro: huh... no, that's my dick.
[feels around some more]
Pedro: , okay, here you go, man.
[hands a skinny, curled up joint to Man]
Man Stoner: [looking at a dinky little joint] Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.
Pedro: Hey man, you want to get out and walk, man?
Sgt. Stedenko: The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.
Toyota Kawasaki: This is Toyota Kawasaki here at the Mexican-United States border.
[Man has disguised himself as a woman while hitchhiking]
Man Stoner: Hey, man; I'm glad you picked me up, man. I slept in a ditch last night, man, I was about to freeze my balls off, man.
Pedro de Pacas: Man, I didn't even know you had any, I wouldn't of stopped.
Pedro: Don't worry, man. Those aren't narcs, they're Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.
Man Stoner: What's the Immigration Service doing here, man?
Pedro: My cousin needed a ride to his brother's wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They'll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they'll just come back across the border.
Pedro: It's punk rock, Man! We can do that; we can be punks, Man!
Arnold Stoner: You get yourself a job before sundown, or we're shipping you off to military school with that goddam Finklestein shit kid! Son of a bitch!
Man Stoner: [to Pedro, who is in the throes of panic] HEY! MELLOW OUT, MAN!
Curtis: This shit is so bad, it'll put a hump on a camel's back.
Man Stoner: [Discovered, roach on an ashtray] El roacho.
Arnold Stoner: When, boy? When, are you gonna get your act together?
Man Stoner: No, hey man, if we're gonna wear uniforms man, you know let's have everybody wear something different.
Pedro: Yea, that's it. Yea, we want something wear everybody wears something different man, but the same, you know?
Man Stoner: Yeah, that 'Nam grass will fuck anyone up, man!
Pedro: [laughing while stoned] Way anchor! How much does it weigh? I don't know, I forgot! pffhhh! Ha ha I saw that in a movie once...!
Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir, what's your name?
Pedro: Whut? I told you my name, man!
Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir... what's YOUR name?
Pedro: [to Man] Hey man! The dude wants to know your name, man!
[Man vomits onto the floor of the car]
Pedro: Uuhhh - His name is RAALLLPH, man!
Sgt. Stedenko: Now just how well do you know that freak with the basketball?
Unknown: Which basketball?
Sgt. Stedenko: Which basketball?
Sgt. Stedenko: Some asshole pissed on my leg!
Strawberry: Ahhh, look at that man, the great outdoors, huh!
Pedro: Yeah, the great outdoors...
[gives Strawberry a weird look]
Man Stoner: Man my legs hurt.
Pedro: Yeah I bet!

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