A vengeful vampire slayer must retrieve an ancient Catholic relic that, should it be acquired by vampires, will allow them to endure sunlight.

Jack Crow: You ever seen a vampire?
Father Adam Guiteau: No I haven't.
Jack Crow: No... Well first of all, they're not romatic. Its not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffata. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters.
Jack Crow: Can I ask ya somethin, Padre? When I was kickin? your ass back there... you get a little wood?
Father Adam Guiteau: What?
Jack Crow: Hey, Valek! Why don't you prove you can kick my ass! Come on, untie me, you prick! Fucking pole-smoking fashion victim!
Valek: For 600 years I have fed on your kind at will.
Jack Crow: I killed my own father, padre. I got no trouble killing you.
[Jack Crow, having been beaten up by Valek, awakens to find himself strangled and tied to the front of his truck; Cardinal Alba appears, having turned to the dark side]
Cardinal Alba: Hello, Jack.
Cardinal Alba: From your expression, I assume you couldn't understand my presence here. I'm sorry to disillusion you, Jack. As one grows old, as death approaches, we begin to question... our fate. And I found mine lacking. "Is there a god? Is there a heaven?" I can no longer answer this for certain. I've witnessed no miracles, had no visions, and the prospect of death terrifies me. I've realized I've only one... alternative, and I made a bargain. With the devil if you wish.
Jack Crow: You are truly a pile of dog shit, Cardinal.
Cardinal Alba: Yeah, that's right.
Cardinal Alba: That's correct, Jack and I can live with that. After I have given what Valek wants, he will fulfill our bargain. And I will be transformed into one of his... new children. It's beautiful, isn't it?
[Jack spits at the Cardinal's face]
Cardinal Alba: Eternal Life... Imortality... can change your heart.
Jack Crow: Valek...
[Valek looks at Jack]
Jack Crow: ... why don't you prove you can kick my ass? Come on, untie me. Come on. Fuckin' pole smokin' fashion victim. Come on over here.
Valek: Jack...
Jack Crow: Come on. Five minutes, then you can bite my ass a little. Would you like that, see me all tied up, huh?
Valek: What will silence you?
Jack Crow: Come on. Untie me, you prick!
Valek: Perhaps this will help.
[Katrina, now a legion of the undead and one of Valek's newest children, appears and laughs evily after finally feeding on Montoya]
Valek: Apparently your friend is one of my children now.
[Jack scoffs]
Valek: You are alone, crusader.
Jack Crow: Valek is the original! The source of the disease! The first vampire created by the Catholic Church...
Father Adam Guiteau: By accident...
Jack Crow: Let me ask you a question. When you were stabbing that vampire in there?
Father Adam Guiteau: Yeah?
Jack Crow: Did you get a little wood?
Father Adam Guiteau: Mahogany.
Jack Crow: Excuse me?
Father Adam Guiteau: Ebony.
Jack Crow: What?
Father Adam Guiteau: Teak.
Jack Crow: Are you possessed by demons?
Father Adam Guiteau: Major Chubby.
Jack Crow: Language, Padre, language!
Montoya: [takes tape off Katrina's mouth; sighs] What's your name? Do you understand what's been happening to you?
Katrina: [screams] Help me!
Montoya: [grabs Katrina's head; puts her in strenghold; covers her mouth] Hey! HEY! Don't fuck with me, honey! I'll snap your neck like a twig! Now nod your head "Yes" or "No". Do you understand what's been happening to you? DO IT!
[Katrina shakes her head as "No"]
Montoya: All right. Now I'm going to explain it to you. First, I'm gonna take my hand off you mouth. You scream...
[imitates neck snap; Katrina sobs]
Montoya: Good. Now... what's your name?
Katrina: Katrina.
Montoya: Okay, Katrina. Here's the senario.
[throws covers back on her]
Montoya: I took off your clothes. I cleaned you up. I tied you down. I also saved your ass. You been bitten by a vampire. Do you remember the party back at the motel? Big guy, pointy teeth, real shitty breath? Don't worry. I'll all come back soon. A master vampire has a telepathic link to his victums, and your gonna help us find him. And while he's sleeping, we unleash on his. Your the bait honey. Sorry.
Jack Crow: When did she first bite you?
Montoya: Two days ago. I still covered your ass!
Jack Crow: Yes, you did. I say we owe you two days back. Whatya think, padre?
Father Adam Guiteau: You have two days.
Valek: You can't kill me.
Father Adam Guiteau: A master vampire, able to walk in the sunlight, unstoppable. Unless we stop him.
Jack Crow: Look padre... i'm starting to like you... so don't make me hurt you. Come on... tell me what you know... i'll buy you a beer and get you laid. If you don't i'm gonna have to start cutting on ya.
Father Adam Guiteau: No you won't... your a righteous man... besides any secrets i keep are to protect the church and its principles.
Jack Crow: [grabs padre and pins him to the wall] Open... open...
[puts a towel in his mouth and cuts his hand]
Jack Crow: Now listen to me you fuck... my father kept a secret once... he got bit by a vampire... he kept it a secret from me and my mother... by the fifth day he was turning, that night he attacked my mother and then he came after me. I killed my own father padre... i got no trouble killin you. Now... last chance.
Father Adam Guiteau: [puts another towel in his mouth and pretends to lunge at his stomach with the knife] No... No... ok i'll talk.
[Valek has beaten up Jack very badly as Montoya & Katrina escape the vampires and Father Guiteau hides in the local bar]
Valek: [grabs Jack's head; growls] Your war is over, Crusader.
Montoya: [trying to figure out how much the hotel costs] What's the fucking total, guy?
Motel Owner: Erm... that's erm... $400.
[looks out window in the pickup]
Motel Owner: Is that your girlfriend?
Montoya: No, it's my fuckin' mother. Gimme the key.
Jack Crow: Let me just ask you one thing - after 600 years, how's that dick workin', pretty good?
[Just as Cardinal Alba is about to complete the ceremony by burning Jack at the stake, Father Guiteau shoots Alba in the back with a shotgun, killing him in the process. Valek, his followers, and Katrina growls and hisses]
Jack Crow: [shocked] Padre!
[Valek growls]
Father Adam Guiteau: [yells] Now, what are you gonna do, Valek? You've got nobody to complete your ritual! The sun's starting to rise!
Valek: You... will finish the ritual.
Father Adam Guiteau: [holds the shotgun to his head] Try to make me.
Jack Crow: Attaboy, Padre. Fuck with him!
[to Valek]
Jack Crow: Hey, Valek, you're shit outta luck, pal. Give it up!
[Valek grabs a burning torch and attempts to set Jack on fire. Guiteau removes the shotgun from his forehead]
Valek: Finish it.
Father Adam Guiteau: No.
Valek: [yells] Finish it!
Father Adam Guiteau: [screams] NO!
[Valek moves the torch closer to Jack's crotch]
Jack Crow: [groans] Come on, Padre. My nuts are on fire here!
[a vampire has just snapped a metal cord that was being pulled by Montoya's jeep]
Father Adam Guiteau: You didn't tell me they could do that!
Jack Crow: I didn't *know* they could do that!
Jack Crow: [after interogating the padre and getting him to confess] Your a good man padre... welcome to the team.
Father Adam Guiteau: [broken] May God forgive me.
Valek: Isn't it beautiful? Something you'll never forget? I know I won't.
Jack Crow: Padre... I'm beginning to like you... so don't make me hurt you, OK? Just tell me what you know... I'll buy you a beer and get you laid. Come on. If you don't tell me, I'm gonna have to start cutting on ya.
Father Adam Guiteau: No, you won't. You're a righteous man, Mr. Crow. Besides I serve a higher master than you. Any secrets I keep are to protect the church and its followers. Part of...
Jack Crow: [grabs Father Guiteau and pins him to the wall] Open your mouth.
Father Adam Guiteau: What?
Jack Crow: Open your mouth. Ah, yeah.
[shoves a towel in Guiteau's mouth]
Jack Crow: Gimmie your hand.
Jack Crow: [Jack cuts Giuteau's hand with his switchblade knife] Now listen to me, you fuck! My father kept a secret once. He got bit by a vampire. He kept it a secret from me and my mother. By the fifth day he was turning. That night he attacked my mother and then he came after me. I killed my own father, Padre. I got no trouble killin' you. Last chance.
[Padre gasping]
Jack Crow: Now open your motherfuckin' mouth.
Father Adam Guiteau: No.
Jack Crow: Open your fucking mouth! Then prepare...
Father Adam Guiteau: No!
Jack Crow: What? Are you ready? Excuse me? What?
Father Adam Guiteau: Valek-Valek is for an ancient relic, the Cross of Berseires!
[Montoya checks out a Buick that pulls up]
Man With Buick: Hey! Cowboy! Can I help you?
Montoya: Yeah. I'm gonna borrow your car.
[man opens mouth in disbelief]
Montoya: Shhh... just say "Help yourself."
Man With Buick: You want me to say *what*?
Montoya: [pulling out a gun] Hey!
Montoya: Shut the fuck up or I'll blow your fucking teeth out the back of your head, asshole! Back off!
Man With Buick: Uhh... help yourself, boy!
Montoya: Much obliged, partner!
Jack Crow: What the fuck do you want from me, Valek?
Valek: Oh, you hate me so, don't ya? But you made me, Crusader. You hate what you made. You fear it because it is superior to you.
[grabs Jack's chin]
Valek: For six hundred years, I've fed on your kind at will!
[Attempts to bite Jack but slowly refuses]
Valek: [whispers] No.
Jack Crow: Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?
Cardinal Alba: Because you are needed, Jack. The ceremony is a re-enactment of the original exorcism. It requires the blood of a crusader and his crucifixion upon a burning cross. The climax of the ceremony must coincide with the first rays of the rising sun. Sorry, Jack.
[Cardinal Alba, performing the ceremony, makes a cut at Jack's leg]
Jack Crow: [yells] Motherf...!

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