Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck Quotes

A spoof of vampire-themed movies, where teenager Becca finds herself torn between two boys. As she and her friends wrestle with a number of different dramas, everything comes to a head at their prom.

Edward Sullen: [as his family is trying to kill Becca] Every time I bring a girl over, you try to eat her! It's not fair!
Chinese Food Delivery Guy: Someone order Chinese food?
Edward Sullen: [Throws him at his family as they proceed to eat him; to Becca] Let's go! They'll be hungry again in a half-an-hour!
Becca Crane: [from trailer] Jacob, run!
[Jacob jumps above Becca and lands in his chihuahua form]
Becca Crane: [disbelievingly] A chihuahua?
Frank Crane: [to Becca] I guess it's hard for me to accept that my little girl's growing up. I mean look at the size of those tits.
Becca Crane: So are we going to be uh, at the same school?
Jacob: I go to school at the reservation.
Becca Crane: Oh, it must be fun to gamble and drink all day.
Becca Crane: I used to live with my Mom. Now, she's always on the road because she started doing some pro golfer.
[Pulls out a magazine with Tiger Woods on the front]
Edward Sullen: Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift I've ever received.
[Becca farts in Edward's face]
[Becca accidentally maces Buffy the Vampire Slayer]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I was trying to help you, bitch!
[Narrating]
[Becca and her Dad are driving into Sporks, they drive past a welcome sign to the town]
Becca Crane: So, I came here to the town of Sporks, Washington. Population: 3120.
[a screaming woman comes running in front of the sign being chased by a vampire, the vampire grabs and bites her neck spraying blood everywhere]
Becca Crane: Holy shit! Uh, make that 3119!
Becca Crane: Stop it!
Daro: [mocking Becca] Stop it.
Becca Crane: You're killing him!
Daro: [mocking Becca] You're killing him.
Becca Crane: [quietly] And we haven't even had sex yet.
Daro: [mocking Becca] And we haven't even had - Really?
Becca Crane: [from trailer] Edward!
Team Edward: Edward? Where?
[sees Edward glittering in the sun]
Team Edward: Edward, we love you. You're the best.
Team Jacob: No, Jacob's the best!
[smacks Team Edward's face with a shovel]
Alice: Where did you go, silly rabbit?
Edward Sullen: [aiming gun] I'm a killer.
Jennifer: Hi. I'm Jennifer, future Prom Queen, I'm gonna pretend to be your BFF but if you touch Rick's wang
[flicks open switch blade]
Jennifer:

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