Taj Mahal Badalandabad leaves Coolidge College behind for the halls of Camford University in England, where he looks to continue his education, and teach an uptight student how to make the most out of her academic career.

Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey: Let's settle this the way my ancestors did!
[Reaches for the swords hanging on the wall]
Taj: You want to exploit me economically?
Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey: Roger, sometimes, the Almighty, in His infinite wisdom, likes to give a sliver of hope to the downtrodden and underprivileged to make up for their inferior haircuts and the fact they have to winter and summer in the same place.
Taj: As Mr. Van Wilder would say, "If you can't join them, beat them".
Sadie: No, Taj - I was talking about her vagina!
Taj: verticle smile, scrambled eggs between the legs, sunny side up on the way to the butt
Woman on Plane: Excuse me, is that Madamendira Bombay Hot Sauce?
Taj: No way, you know it?
Woman on Plane: I have this... thing for spices.
Taj: You have a TING?
Seamus O'Toole: What did you say your name was again?
Taj Badalandabad: Taj Badalandabad, your new head of house.
Seamus O'Toole: Taj Badalandabad. That's a quite a tongue-twister.
Taj Badalandabad: It's not that hard to say. You got it right.
Seamus O'Toole: Yeah, but I've been drinking all day.
Gethin: Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad, our new head of house.
Sadie: Alright me ol' mucker, have a shake then I ain't got the clap or nothing.
Gethin: She means Handshake.
Taj: Of course, of course, Hi.
Gethin: Sadie is a cockney. It takes time to understand her words, they fit in her mouth funny.
Taj: Lucky words. You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?
Sadie: Yeah, It's alright. Blokes here are a bit stuffy here though. I mean I never thought it would be so hard finding someone worth slapping the ol' panhandle. You know, giving a blowjob. Nothing like getting your tongue around a nice fat one. Sliding it in, and out, in, and out, in, and out, in, and out. Milking it like a cow until it explodes in the back of your mouth.
Taj: Wow, I must have an amazing ear for dialects. I understood everything she said perfectly!
Sadie: [staring at Simon's 11 inches] I'm surprised you don't get out more.
Taj: A surprise in the woods? Well, can you give me a second? Let me go repack my wallet real quick.
Seamus: [offering Taj liquor] I'm sorry I lumped you in the face, mate. Fancy a sneaky quick one?
Taj: No, no, no. I think you've given me enough sneaky quick ones for the day. Thank you, Seamus.
Taj: Simon?
Simon: I have... I have a problem.
Taj: [to the other guys] Oh, my God, he's talking. Well, Simon, whatever you problem is, we're your friends, you can tell us.
Simon: Well, you wee, it's to do with the size of my piddler.
Taj: Your... Oh. Well, you know, it's an understood fact that a man's piddler is... Appears smaller to himself than it is in real life.
Simon: Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of. 'Cause according to me it has some 11 inches.
Taj: Come again? Figuratively.
[repeated line]
Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey: Can somebody get me a tidy-wipe?

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