A back-up quarterback is chosen to lead a Texas football team to victory after the star quarterback is injured.

Charlie Tweeder: [singing] "She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw."
Jonathon "Mox' Moxon: The male erection? Pitchin' a tent, sportin' a wood, the icicle if formed, the march is on...
Miss Davis: That's good...
Jonathon "Mox' Moxon: Stiff, stiffie, Mr. Mortis, rigor mortis has set in, flesh rocket, Jack's magic beanstalk, tall Tommy, mushroom on a stick, Mr. Mushroomhead, purple-headed yogurt slinger... and, uh, Pedro.
Miss Davis: Pedro?
Jonathon "Mox' Moxon: Mm-hum.
Charlie Tweeder: Will you listen to me? Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That's it.
Mox: What?
Charlie Tweeder: Listen. You give 'em a Percocet, two Vicodin and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It's very nice.
Mox: [laughing]
Charlie Tweeder: [emphatically] It's nice.
Mox: Tweeder, you think you'll enjoy prison?
Charlie Tweeder: [not paying attention] I don't know.
Charlie Tweeder: [looks into his jockstrap] The fuck is that?
Mox: Playing football at West Canaan may have been the opportunity of your lifetime, but I don't want your life!
Bud Kilmer: Never show weakness, the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.
Miss Davis: Can anyone tell me a common slang term for the male erection?
Student: Boner? Is boner one?
Miss Davis: Yes! Boner is good, boner is very good!
Charlie Tweeder: Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!
Coach Bud Kilmer: You got to be the dumbest smart kid I know.
Police Officer: Congratulations.
Charlie Tweeder: Congratulations to you, too.
Police Officer: Congratulations for what?
Charlie Tweeder: For getting to wear such cute "mountme" hats.
Police Officer: Mount me?
Charlie Tweeder: Not right away. After a few drinks...
Charlie Tweeder: Say I'm stupid and I'm about to get hit in the nuts.
Billy Bob: That's funny.
Charlie Tweeder: Ain't it funny? That's what I mean. See they need to change the name of the show to America's funniest shots in the nuts.
Charlie Tweeder: Jonathan Moxon your are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your god damn clothes and get in the car.
Coach Bud Kilmer: [to the trainer, at halftime in the trainer's room, with Wendell on the table] Give him the shot!
Mox: If you give him that shot, you can find yourself another fucking quarterback.
Coach Bud Kilmer: You about ready to lose that scholarship, boy?
Mox: If it keeps that needle out of his leg? Absolutely.
Coach Bud Kilmer: Good.
Mox: Fuck it, I'm out.
Police Officer: These kids there just running around wild these days. Them kids last night they stole a cop car.
Bar Man: NO?
Police Officer: Yes! And then they exposed theyselves!
Bar Man: Exposed theyselves?
Police Officer: Yes! They put them wieners on the glass at the Alano Club, while the ladies were rehearsing the Christmas pageant.
Charlie Tweeder: Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?
[Tweeder dances]
Charlie Tweeder: You know what it's called?
Mox: What?
Charlie Tweeder: The New Tweeder End Zone Dance.
Mo Moxon: Kyle, did you start a cult?
Kyle: Yup.
Mo Moxon: That is so sweet!
Miss Davis: Now I want y'all to repeat after me: penis, penis, penis; vagina, vagina, vagina!
Mox: In America, we have laws. Laws against killing, laws against stealing. And it is just accepted that as a member of American society, you will live by these laws. In West Canaan, Texas, there is another society which has it's own laws. Football is a way of life.
Tweeder: Well we're all naked in there and we've got handcuffs and cool shit to play with so take off your clothes and get in the car.
Charlie Tweeder: [Mooning Mox and Billy Bob through the truck window] Good moonin, boys! Good moonin! I have been up since the crack of dawn and I had to *ass* you a question.
Billy Bob: A 10... a 10... a fucking 10!
Bud Kilmer: The hard work of so many, sacrificed by the disrespect of few.
Charlie Tweeder: [Mox lines up the second string offense in an unusual formation] What the hell kind of offense is that? Kilmer's gonna eat his ass, watch this...
[Kilmer blows his whistle]
Charlie Tweeder: [after stealing a cop car] I'm gonna go to jail!
Mox: [after Kilmer left the locker room after choking Moxon] Before this game started, Kilmer said "48 minutes for the next 48 years of your life". I say "fuck that". All right? Fuck that. Let's go out there, and we play the next 24 minutes for the next 24 minutes, and we leave it all out on the field. We have the rest of our lives to be mediocre, but we have the opportunity to play like gods for the next half of football.
Jonathon "Mox' Moxon: If we go out and half-ass it 'cause we're scared, then we'll always wonder if we were really good enough. But if we go out there and give it all we've got... that's heroic. You guys wanna be heroes?
Billy Bob: [staring at Miss Davis's breasts] Miss Davis, would you go to the prom with me?
Coach Bud Kilmer: Your daddy was a no-talent pussy, but at least he listened!
Sam Moxon: I raised you to be a winner, so dammit boy, win!
Mox: I'm a good boy. I've always been good. What's my upside to being good?
[looks at at box of condoms]
Mox: I mean I'm 18 years old, it's not like I'm married to her. She invited me over. I'm just being polite, right Kyle?
[pause]
Mox: Kyle?
Kyle: I only answer to one name. I am the Great and Honorable Al-Ali Akbar Shabaz Da.
Mox: That's a bunch of names.
Kyle: But there is only one god. All praise be to Allah.
Mox: Yeah. Well, would Allah nail Darcy if he had the chance? I think so.
Billy Bob: It's a strip club, man. I'm here to work!
Billy Bob: I sure do love that dog.
Mox: I think it's a pig.
Billy Bob: Yeah.
Coach Bud Kilmer: Cry me a river, you fat fucking baby!
Darcy: Baby I got so excited thinking about next year and Florida state and the future, I think I need to be your wide receiver
Lance: Here baby
Darcy: Well not "here" here, but somewhere here.
Bud Kilmer: It makes me wonder if you know the different between a sneeze and a wet fart!

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