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A veteran pot dealer creates a fake family as part of his plan to move a huge shipment of weed into the U.S. from Mexico.
Rose O'Reilly: You're making $500,000 and giving me only $30,000? Casey Mathis: $30,000? I'm only getting $1,000! Kenny Rossmore: You guys are getting paid?
Scottie P.: You know what I'm sayin? David Clark: Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.
Styist: OK, what are we doing today? David Clark: Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.' Middle Aged Man: [Indicating his own haircut] Right here. David Clark: [Points in the mirror] Yeah. That's it. That's the one.
Casey Mathis: [On airplane, sitting next to Kenny. David is trying to appear normal, while introducing his "family" to the flight attendant] Yeah. I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues, like finals and college applications and am I gonna get asked to prom? [Smiles] Casey Mathis: [Conversationally] Plus, I haven't gotten my period in, like, two months, which is really weird, because I've mostly just been doing anal... [Kenny chokes on his water]
Casey Mathis: These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone! David Clark: Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless? Casey Mathis: So? Fuck you, dude!
David Clark: [On the phone] We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico. Brad Gurdlinger: Why? David Clark: Why? Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why! Brad Gurdlinger: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?
David Clark: You can buy a house and run away from it.
Kenny Rossmore: Hey, David. David Clark: Hi, Kenny. Kenny Rossmore: So, I heard you and Mrs. O'Reilly fighting. David Clark: It's called flirting, Kenny. You'll learn about it in college. What the hell are you doing up? It's almost two. Where's your mom? Kenny Rossmore: Uh, she went for a drink with a friend. David Clark: When? Kenny Rossmore: Last week.
Casey Mathis: [Opens fridge, which is completely full of marijuana] Whoa. I think Snoop Dogg would fuck this fridge.
David Clark: I'm here to pickup a smidge of pot. David Clark: [Talking on the phone] This is not a smidge of pot! You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie Nelson, man!
David Clark: She's going to be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle. Actually, she might already be pregnant.
Rose O'Reilly: [Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting] Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest. [mocking] Rose O'Reilly: You know what I'm sayin'? Scottie P.: Oh, really, bitch? Rose O'Reilly: Yeah, bitch. Kenny Rossmore: You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man. Scottie P.: What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows? Kenny Rossmore: One... two... Rose O'Reilly: [Punches Scottie P. in the face] Scottie P.: OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha' I'm sayin'? [runs away] Rose O'Reilly: [to Casey] Are you OK? Casey Mathis: I'm fine. That was awesome, you just fuckin' decked him! Rose O'Reilly: Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on "one." Kenny Rossmore: Well, David told me to count... [Casey groans] Rose O'Reilly: David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever.
Todd - Strip Club Owner: Hey, Rose, I know you're [air-quotes] Todd - Strip Club Owner: "technically" on break, but I need a lap dance. Table five. Just don't get too close. The guy has two hook-hands. Rose O'Reilly: [sighs] How did we let that guy back in here? Todd - Strip Club Owner: I don't know. He must've picked the locks. [Chuckles]
Rose O'Reilly: You're such a dick. Have fun dying alone, jerk. David Clark: Yeah, have fun digging out those singles from your crotch! Rose O'Reilly: My crotch only takes twenties, David.
David Clark: Oh, my God. You're a dude! Scared the hell out of me! I mean your voice was so much deeper than your bone structure.
Melissa Fitzgerald: You're drug dealers? Kenny Rossmore: No, we're drug smugglers.
Rose O'Reilly: You're not a neighbor. You're a drug dealer. Whose apartment smells like cheese and feet. David Clark: Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. 'Cheesy Feet' is what they call it. It's a best-seller.
Rose O'Reilly: Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.
[during an argument in the RV] David Clark: We are NOT the fucking Brady Bunch, all right? I'm Marky Mark and y'all are the *Funky Bunch*!
David Clark: Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon? Brad Gurdlinger: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
David Clark: What the fuck is that? Brad Gurdlinger: Oh, my orca. Yeah, I bought an orca. I make a lot of money. David Clark: So you bought a whale? Brad Gurdlinger: Well, I don't like sports cars.
Kenny Rossmore: So now you're going to become an even bigger drug dealer? David Clark: Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference.
Kymberly: Wow. You dance super-good. Rose O'Reilly: Thanks. Kymberly: I'm Kymberly. With a 'y' Rose O'Reilly: I'm Rose. With an 'r'. Is that your stage name? Kymberly: My what? Rose O'Reilly: Something to protect yourself from all those creeps out there. You should pick one. You know, something simple and sexy but cute. Short, maybe. Do you have a nickname? Kymberly: Totally! Rose O'Reilly: Oh. Well, great. Then use that because you... Kymberly: I even got a tattoo of it. Do you wanna see? Rose O'Reilly: Uh, well, n... Kymberly: [Pulls down panties, revealing tattoo that says "Boner Garage" with an arrow pointing to her crotch] Check it out. Rose O'Reilly: [Reading] 'Boner Garage'. Ooh... Wow... With a little arrow there, even...
David Clark: I just got ear-fucked in a tent. What do you want from me?
Todd - Strip Club Owner: Oh, great, Rose. Glad I caught you. Um, I wanted to go over a couple of minor policy changes that we have here at the club. Rose O'Reilly: Like what? Todd - Strip Club Owner: Like, I want you to start having sex with the customers for money. Rose O'Reilly: What? That's totally illegal, Todd. Todd - Strip Club Owner: Come on. What are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street. Rose O'Reilly: You mean the Apple store? Todd - Strip Club Owner: Yeah! And they're killing us! Rose O'Reilly: Oh, God. That's it. I can't do it. I quit. Kymberly: [Enters] Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the customers for money! [Squeals] Rose O'Reilly: [Dumbfounded] Wha... Todd - Strip Club Owner: Boner Garage loves it. Rose O'Reilly: I'm out of here. I am out of here. I quit.
Kenny Rossmore: [Sees Casey being harassed by thugs on the street] Hey! Leave her alone! [Running to the rescue] Kenny Rossmore: Unhand her!
Brad's Receptionist: Can I help you? David Clark: Hi, you ordered two black guys. David Clark, here to see Mr Gurdlinger. Brad's Receptionist: I will tell him you're here. Can I get you anything, coffee, tea, Fresca? David Clark: Hmmmmm, you know what, a Fresca sounds really good. Brad's Receptionist: You got it.
Brad Gurdlinger: Listen, this is a fucked up situation. But, I might have a win-win situation for both of us. David Clark: Great. Brad Gurdlinger: I have a smidge of very choice marijuana down in Mexico, and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular currier is unavailable on the account of the fact he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in.
Kenny Rossmore: What did she say? David Clark: What the fuck do you think? She said no. Kenny Rossmore: Cool. So I guess it's just us, then. A little father and son bonding trip to Mexico. David Clark: Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van? It'll look like the pervert Olympics.
David Clark: We are all now officially international drug smugglers. Add it to the resume.
Brad Gurdlinger: Go for B-Rad David Clark: Hey Brad, what the fuck! Brad Gurdlinger: Uh oh, something wrong? David Clark: Yeah, something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong. You said a smidge of pot, and this is not a smidge. Brad Gurdlinger: Smidge and half, no? David Clark: Look, you got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man. Ok, they are used a god damn bucket brigade to put it on the RV as we speak! Brad Gurdlinger: Wait, you just walked in there, told them you were picking up for Pablo Chacon, and they were like "Yeah, no problem?" David Clark: Why do you sound suprized by this?
Kenny Rossmore: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh fuck a donkey it hurts so much! David Clark: What hurts, Kenny? Kenny Rossmore: I'm gonna die! I'm gonna fuckin' die! David Clark: Kenny, you're not going to die. Tell me what's wrong. Rose O'Reilly: What's wrong, Kenny? Kenny Rossmore: Fuckin' spider bit me on my balls, David! On my balls, on my balls, on my fuckin' balls!
Kenny Rossmore: [to Melissa] You kiss way better than my sister. Casey Mathis: Hey!
Brad Gurdlinger: It's all here! I'm blown away David, great job. But it's late, deadline was last night, so... sorry buddy. No deal. David Clark: Brad, I almost got killed over this shit twice. Brad Gurdlinger: Look, i'm not gonna be an asshole about this. I got two tons of premium weed, and yes you got Chacon pinched in the process, which is a huge win for team Brad. So how about we shake hands and call it even? David Clark: You were never gonna pay me, were you? Brad Gurdlinger: Is that a dick move? I can never tell anymore. [DEA team then breaks in and arrests everybody] Brad Gurdlinger: [as Brad is being handcuffed] You double crossed me! David Clark: Kind of a dick move. right?
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