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A toon hating detective is a cartoon rabbit's only hope to prove his innocence when he is accused of murder.
[Judge Doom about to "dip" Roger] Eddie Valiant: Hey, Judge. Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request? Roger Rabbit: Yeah, nose plugs would be nice. Eddie Valiant: I think you want a drink. So, how about it, Judge? Judge Doom: Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution. Eddie Valiant: Happy trails. Roger Rabbit: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down. Eddie Valiant: Drink the drink. Roger Rabbit: But I don't want the drink. Judge Doom: He doesn't want the drink. Eddie Valiant: He does. Roger Rabbit: I don't. Eddie Valiant: You do. Roger Rabbit: I don't. Eddie Valiant: You do. Roger Rabbit: I don't. Eddie Valiant: You do. Roger Rabbit: I don't. Eddie Valiant: You don't. Roger Rabbit: I do. Eddie Valiant: You don't. Roger Rabbit: I do. Eddie Valiant: You don't. Roger Rabbit: [taking drink] Listen, when I say I do, that means I do. [Roger smokes up, releasing him self from Judge Doom, and Eddie takes out the Weasels]
Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do. Eddie Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do. Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
Roger Rabbit: [after bursting in through the drain, holding a gun] Okay, nobody move! All right, you weasels, grab some sky or I let the judge have it. You heard me, I said drop it! Jessica Rabbit: Roger, darling! Roger Rabbit: That's right, my dear. I'd love to embrace you, but first, I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage. Judge Doom: Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool! Roger Rabbit: That's it, Doom. Give me another excuse to pump you full of lead. So you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Ha! We toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks. [a ton of bricks falls on Roger from above] Jessica Rabbit: Roger! Roger, say something! Roger Rabbit: [Stars circle around Roger's head] Look, stars! Ready when you are, Raoul.
Roger Rabbit: Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate, and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water. Eddie Valiant: Not prostate, you idiot, PROBATE!
Eddie Valiant: You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing! Roger Rabbit: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh. Eddie Valiant: Sit down! Roger Rabbit: You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh. Eddie Valiant: Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel. Roger Rabbit: Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in. Eddie Valiant: Why? Because you made him laugh? Roger Rabbit: That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.
Eddie Valiant: Anybody know you're here? Roger Rabbit: Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh... Eddie Valiant: Who? Roger Rabbit: Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know! But the liquor store guy... he knew. Eddie Valiant: [Grabs Roger and sends him to the door] In other words, the whole town knows you're here! Get out!
Eddie Valiant: [after discovering Doom after being flattened by a Steamroller get up and wobbling to his feet] Holy smoke, he's a Toon! Judge Doom: Surprised? Eddie Valiant: Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon. Judge Doom: Not just ANY Toon... [Doom wobbles over to an oxygen tank, puts the valve in his mouth and turns it on. He inflates back to his old self. His hat flies off and his prosthetic eyeballs pop out. Then he turns menacingly to Eddie, his eyes glowing a grim Toon red. Eddie gasps in terror] Judge Doom: [voice getting higher, until it reaches a high-pitched squeak] Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just... like... THIS! [eyes pop out in the shape of daggers]
[first lines] Mrs. Herman: Mommy's going to the beauty parlor, darling, but I'm leaving you with your favorite friend, Roger. He's going to take very, very good care of you, because if he doesn't... HE'S GOING BACK TO THE SCIENCE LAB.
[the Toons gather around Judge Doom's remains] Mickey Mouse: Gosh, I wonder who he really was? Bugs Bunny: I'll tell you one thing, Doc. He weren't no rabbit. Daffy Duck: Or a duck. Goofy: Or a dog. Pinocchio: Or a little wooden boy. Big Bad Wolf: Or a... sheep. Woody Woodpecker: Or a woodpecker. Sylvester: Or a pussy.
Judge Doom: Can you guess what this is? [Turns tap handle, Dip pours out onto a silver plate] Jessica Rabbit: Oh my God, it's DIP! Judge Doom: That's right, my dear! Enough to dip Toon Town off the face of the earth! [Removes the curtain, revealing a vehicle that contains a tonne of dip stored] Judge Doom: Vehicle of my own design; 5,000 gallons of heated dip, pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toon Town will be erased in a matter of minutes.
Eddie Valiant: She's married to Roger Rabbit? Betty Boop: Yeah. What a lucky girl.
Eddie Valiant: I'm through with taking falls / And bouncing off the walls / Without that gun, I'd have some fun / I'd kick you in the... [bottle falls on his head] Roger Rabbit: Nose! Smart Ass: Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls." Eddie Valiant: No, but this does. [kicks Smartass in the crotch, propelling him into a vat of Dip]
Judge Doom: [Explaining his plan to wipe out Toon Town] A few weeks ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city council. A construction plan of epic proportions. We're calling it a freeway. Eddie Valiant: Freeway? What the hell's a freeway? Judge Doom: Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.
Roger Rabbit: Jumpin' Jeepers. Benny the Cab: Hey Roger, what do you call the middle of a song? Roger Rabbit: Gee, I don't know [sees that they're heading for... ] Roger Rabbit: A BRIDGE!
Bugs Bunny: [Eddie is falling; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him] Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumpin' without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it? Eddie Valiant: Yeah. Mickey Mouse: Yeah. You could get killed. Heh, heh. Eddie Valiant: You guys got a spare? Mickey Mouse: Uh, Bugs does. Eddie Valiant: Yeah? Bugs Bunny: Yeah, but I don't think you want it. [in a sing-song tone] Eddie Valiant: I do, I do. Give it to me! Mickey Mouse: Gee, uh, better let him have it, Bugs. Bugs Bunny: Okay, Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare. Eddie Valiant: Thank you. Eddie Valiant: [Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls ripcord on parachute, and a car tire comes out] Aw, no! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Mickey Mouse: Aw, poor fella. Ha ha. Bugs Bunny: Yeah, ain't I a stinker? Lena Hyena: [Continues falling until Lena Hyena catches him before he hits the ground] My man! Lena Hyena: [Gives him a stretching kiss, Eddie tumbles backwards away from her a long way] Come to Lena! Eddie Valiant: [Starts running towards him, Eddie rips part of a street line and moves it toward a wall which she runs straight into] Toons. Gets 'em every time.
Roger Rabbit: What could have possibly happen to you to turn you into such a sourpuss? Eddie Valiant: You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother. Roger Rabbit: A toon? No! Eddie Valiant: Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.
Jessica Rabbit: C'mon Roger, let's go home. I'll bake you a carrot cake.
Roger Rabbit: [as Eddie's attempting to push him out of his office] P-p-please, Eddie! Don't throw me out. Don't you realize you're making a big mistake? I didn't kill anybody. I swear! The whole thing's a set up. A scam, a frame job. Ow! Eddie, I could never hurt anybody. Oow! My whole purpose in life is to make... people... laugh!
[last lines] Porky Pig: All right. M-m-m-ove along now. Th-th-there's nothing left to see here. That's all folks. Mmm, I like the sound of that. Porky Pig: [turns to audience; iris closes in on Porky and "Merry-Go-Round Broke Down" plays on soundtrack] Porky Pig: Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
[Eddie is hiding Roger in his jacket] Dolores: Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Eddie Valiant: Nice monkey suit. Bongo: Wise ass.
Eddie Valiant: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that in a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter? Roger Rabbit: That's right! I knew that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance. Eddie Valiant: I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine. Roger Rabbit: Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice, clean piece of paper. [reading] Roger Rabbit: "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand. Four one-thousand. Five...?
Jessica Rabbit: [Aims a gun at Eddie Valiant] Valiant. Eddie Valiant: I always knew I'd get it in Toontown. [as he turns around, A shadow of Judge Doom with a gun appears on the wall] Jessica Rabbit: Behind you! [Shoots at the shadow; it falls back and the gun drops on the floor] Eddie Valiant: Drop it, lady! Jessica Rabbit: I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me? Eddie Valiant: I don't trust anybody or anything! Jessica Rabbit: Not even your own eyes? [Points at the gun on the floor] Jessica Rabbit: That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon, and Doom pulled the trigger. Eddie Valiant: Doom? Jessica Rabbit: I tracked him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him. Judge Doom: [Running down the alley] That's right! You'll never stop me! You're dead! You're both dead! Eddie Valiant: Doom! [Shoots from his toon gun; Doom turns right and the bullets stop in mid air] Bullet #3: Which way did he go? Bullet #2: I don't know. He went thataway. Bullet #3: Let's go. [They turn left, the wrong way] Eddie Valiant: Dum-dums.
[as they're filming a Baby Herman Cartoon, things go wrong at the point when the Refrigerator gets dropped on Roger's head] Raoul J. Raoul: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT! Baby Herman: What the hell was wrong with THAT take? Raoul J. Raoul: Nothing with you, Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect. You were BETTER than perfect! It's Roger, he keeps BLOWING HIS LINES! Roger, what is this? Roger Rabbit: A tweeting bird. Raoul J. Raoul: "A tweeting bird." Roger, read this script. Look what it says. It says, "Rabbit gets klunked, rabbit sees STARS." Not birds, STARS!
Judge Doom: [Tapping his cane against the wall] Shave, and a haircut... [Roger crashes through the wall] Roger Rabbit: TWO BITS! [Judge Doom successfully grabs Roger round the neck]
Betty Boop: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color. But I've still got it. Boo boo be do, boo.
Angelo: Hey, I seen a rabbit. [Roger gasps] Eddie Valiant: Ya see? Judge Doom: Where? Angelo: He's right here in the bar. [puts his arm around Harvey the Invisible Rabbit] Angelo: Say hello... Harvey. [the whole bar erupts in laughter] Roger Rabbit: I told you so.
[Eddie sneaks up on Maroon] Eddie Valiant: What's up, Doc? R.K. Maroon: Valiant, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Eddie Valiant: You need a heart, before you can have an attack. R.K. Maroon: Yeah, yeah. You got the will? Eddie Valiant: Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap.
Eddie Valiant: [Roger managed to slip his arm out of the Handcuffs he and Eddie were attached to] You mean you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time? Roger Rabbit: No, not at any time, only when it was funny.
Roger Rabbit: Say, Eddie. That sure was a funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you think your days of being a sourpuss are over? Eddie Valiant: Only time will tell. Roger Rabbit: Yeah, well... put 'er there, pal. [They shake hands; Eddie gets shocked by buzzer on Roger's hand; he glowers at Roger] Roger Rabbit: Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already? Eddie Valiant: [Grabbing Roger by the throat] Does this answer your question? [Eddie kisses Roger in the mouth]
Eddie Valiant: What's that? Lt. Santino: Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a toon? Well, Doom found a way. Turpentine, acetone, benzene. He calls it "The Dip." Judge Doom: I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and execute him. [dips shoe in poison, and cremation smoke starts sizzling out] Eddie Valiant: Geez. Greasy: [laughs] That's one dead shoe, eh, boss? Judge Doom: They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant. This is how we handle things down in Toontown. I would think you of all people would appreciate that.
Eddie Valiant: Say, Roger. That letter you wrote to your wife at the Ink and Paint Club? Why don't you read it to her now? Roger Rabbit: Sure thing, Eddie. "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body...? It's the will! Eddie Valiant: Keep reading. Roger Rabbit: "... do hereby bequeath, in perpetuity, the property known as Toontown, to those lovable characters, the toons"!
Roger Rabbit: [In the Movie Theatre] Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy. What timing! What finesse! What a genius!
[Eddie Valiant sits down at the Ink and Paint Club; Marvin Acme squirts ink from his pen on Eddie's shirt and laughs] Eddie Valiant: You think that's funny? Marvin Acme: It's a panic! Eddie Valiant: [grabs Acme by the lapels] You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose! Marvin Acme: Now, calm down, son, will ya? Look, the stain is gone. It's disappearing ink. [the stain fades away] Marvin Acme: No hard feelings, I hope. Listen, I'm... Eddie Valiant: I know who you are. Marvin Acme, The guy that owns Toontown, the Gag King. Marvin Acme: If it's Acme, it's a gasser. Put 'er there, pal. [shakes hands with Eddie, who feels a shock] Marvin Acme: The hand buzzer. Still our biggest seller.
Judge Doom: [picks up the record from the record player - reads] "Merry-Go-Round Broke Down". What a looney selection for a group of drunken reprobates. [all the drinkers turn away and cough - Doom sniffs the record] Judge Doom: HE'S HERE! [throws record like a Frisbee into Stupid's mouth; the other weasels laugh] Judge Doom: Stop that laughing! [Hits Smart Ass with his cane] Judge Doom: Have you forgotten what happened last time? If you don't stop that laughing, you're going to end up dead just like your idiot hyena cousins!
[as Doom is searching for Roger by tapping "Shave and a Haircut"] Eddie Valiant: I don't know who's toonier, you or Doom. [Roger's teeth chatter, as he tries to resist Judge Doom's tapping]
R.K. Maroon: Roger, I know this seems pretty painful now, but you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant? Eddie Valiant: Good looking guy like that? Dames will be breaking his doors down. Roger Rabbit: Dames? What dames? [Angrily grabbing Eddie by the lapels] Roger Rabbit: Jessica's the only one for me. You'll see. We'll rise above this piddling pecadillo. We're gonna be happy again. You got that? Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I. [Runs through window] Eddie Valiant: At least he took it well.
Roger Rabbit: Let's forget it, there's nobody here! Eddie Valiant: Is that it, or are you scared? Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-please! Me, scared? Don't be ridiculous! [teeth chatter]
Roger Rabbit: [singing] My buddy's Eddie V. / A sourpuss, you'll see / But when I'm done, he'll need no gun / 'Cause a joker he will be / C-D-E-F-G-H-I / I... love to raise some Cain / Believe me, it's no strain / It feels so great to smash a plate / And look, 'cause there's no pain! [breaks plate on head] Roger Rabbit: ...no pain! [breaks plate] Roger Rabbit: ...no pain! [keeps breaking plates until Eddie stops the record]
Lt. Santino: Just like a toon to drop a safe on a guy's head.
Benny the Cab: [seeing two cars in each lane blocking his path] Will you look at these two? [swerves past and between them] Benny the Cab: Excuse me, ladies! Now that's what I call a couple of roadhogs.
Eddie Valiant: Everything's funny to you, ain't it, needlenose? Smart Ass: You got a problem with that, Valiant? Eddie Valiant: No, I just want you to know something about the guy you're gonna dip. [Pulls a lever on a calliope, which plays "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"] Eddie Valiant: [singing] Now Roger is his name / Laughter is his game / C'mon you dope, untie his rope / And watch him go insane. [He starts dancing and tumbling around, as the weasels laugh] Jessica Rabbit: He's lost his mind. Roger Rabbit: I don't think so.
Roger Rabbit: [as Eddie's performance causes the Toon Patrol to literally die of laughter] Keep it up, Eddie. You're killing 'em. You're slaying 'em! You're knocking 'em DEAD!
Droopy Dog: [as a bellhop] Going up, sir? [eddie walks and falls on the elevator] Droopy Dog: [looking down from boxes] Mind the step, sir. Hold on, sir. [Droopy pulls a lever and Eddie is pulled to the floor with his head up as the elevator goes up fast] Droopy Dog: [pushing the lever to stop the elevator] Your floor sir. [Eddie is flung to the ceiling of the elevator] Droopy Dog: [eddie falls out of the door from the ceiling] Droopy Dog: [with head stretch] Have a good day, sir.
Benny the Cab: [after being released from the Toon Patrol's vehicle] Ah, that's better. I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk. Roger Rabbit: Come on, Eddie, get in! Benny the Cab: It was only a couple of MILES. Eddie Valiant: I'll drive. Roger Rabbit: But I wanna drive. Benny the Cab: No. I'LL drive, I'M the cab! Outta my way, pencil neck!
Betty Boop: Cigars? Cigarettes?... Eddie Valiant! Eddie Valiant: [turns around] Betty! Betty Boop: Long time, no see! Eddie Valiant: What are you doing here? Betty Boop: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color. But I still got it, Eddie! "Boop-boop-be-doop-*boop*!" Eddie Valiant: [grins] Yeah. You still got it.
[Jessica and Roger are tied up together, about to get dipped by Judge Doom's Dip-O-Matic Vehicle] Jessica Rabbit: Roger, darling. I want you to know I love you. I've loved you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.
Roger Rabbit: [Crying] No wonder you hate me. If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too. Eddie Valiant: Come on, don't cry. I don't hate you. Roger Rabbit: Yes, you do. Eddie Valiant: No, I don't. Roger Rabbit: You do hate me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times. Eddie Valiant: Well, I'm... I'm sorry I yanked your ears. Roger Rabbit: All the times you yanked my ears? Eddie Valiant: All the times I yanked your ears.
Eddie Valiant: Forget it. I don't work Toontown. R.K. Maroon: What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown. Eddie Valiant: Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.
Jessica Rabbit: Oh, Roger. You were magnificent. Roger Rabbit: Was I really? Jessica Rabbit: Better than Goofy.
Bongo: Got the password? Eddie Valiant: Walt sent me.
Eddie Valiant: So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it. Judge Doom: Of course not. You lack vision, but I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toon Town once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.
Daffy Duck: I've worked with a lot of withe-quackerth, but you are dethpicable Donald F. Duck: Doggone stubborn little- That did it! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Daffy Duck: Thith ith the latht time I work with thomeone with a th-peech impediment. Donald F. Duck: Oh, yeah? Donald F. Duck: [shuts Daffy in a piano] Daffy Duck: Thith meanth war.
Judge Doom: I'm looking for a murderer. A rabbit. A toon rabbit... [goes over to midget drinker and presses down on him and the midget squats] Judge Doom: Dolores: Well look, there's no Rabbit here. So don't come in here harrassing my customers. Judge Doom: I didn't come here to harrass. I came here to reward.
Bullet #1: What in Sam Hill? Bullet #2: Eddie Valiant! Why, you're a sight for sore eyes. Bullet #1: I ain't seen you nigh onto five years. Bullet #2: Where've you been? Eddie Valiant: Drunk. You feeling frisky tonight, fellas? Bullet #1, Bullet #2: Yeah! Eddie Valiant: Let's go.
Roger Rabbit: Hide me Eddie... PLLLEASE. [Jumps into the Drawers] Roger Rabbit: Remember you never saw me. Eddie Valiant: GET OUT OF THERE.
Smart Ass: Say, Judge. You want we should disresemble the place? Judge Doom: No, Sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me. [Doom taps "Shave and a Haircut" on counter] Judge Doom: No toon can resist the old Shave-and-a-Haircut trick. [Continues tapping]
Eddie Valiant: Can I borrow your camera? Mine's at the shop. Dolores: Wouldn't be the pawn shop, by any chance? Eddie Valiant: C'mon, Dolores. You want the other fifty, I need the camera. [Dolores hands Eddie the camera] Eddie Valiant: Any film in there? Dolores: Should be. Haven't had that film developed since our trip to Catalina. Sure was a long time ago. Eddie Valiant: Yeah. that was along time ago. We should do that again some time. Dolores: Yeah, sure, Eddie.
[Roger is sitting outside of the Acme factory, crying while looking at pictures of him and Jessica] Roger Rabbit: Oh Jessica, please tell me it's not true. [sobbing] Roger Rabbit: [the pictures are of Roger and Jessica's wedding, them at a beach, and them hugging at a restaurant booth] Roger Rabbit: [sobs] P-p-p-please.
Eddie Valiant: Scotch on the rocks... and I MEAN ICE!
Smart Ass: And as for you, Valiant, step out of line, and we'll hang you and your laundry out to dry.
Benny the Cab: [Noticing the Remains of Judge Doom, having been dissolved by a Large Pile of Dip] Sister Mary Frances! What the hell happened in here? I've been a cab for thirty-seven years, and I've never seen a mess like this!
Roger Rabbit: Listen, my philosophy is this: If you don't have a good sense of humor, you're better off dead. Eddie Valiant: You might just get your wish if we don't find out what happened to this. [Tosses a photo at Dolores] Roger Rabbit: What is it, Eddie? Eddie Valiant: Just look at it. [the photo is an enlargement of one of the photos of Acme and Jessica, with a paper in Acme's coat pocket circled] Roger Rabbit: Mister Acme's will! Eddie Valiant: Yeah, and I think Acme took the part of sound mind, and your wife of sound body. Roger Rabbit: Why, I resent that innuendo!
Eddie Valiant: So, how long have you known it was Doom? Jessica Rabbit: Before poor Marvin was killed, he confided in me that Judge Doom wanted to get his hands on Toontown, and he wouldn't stop at anything. Eddie Valiant: So he gave you the will for safe keeping. Jessica Rabbit: That's what he told me, except when I opened the envelope, there was only a blank piece of paper inside. Eddie Valiant: Ha! A joker to the end.
Smart Ass: [From outside Eddie's Office] Don't make us play rough, Valiant. We just want the rabbit. Roger Rabbit: What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do? Eddie Valiant: What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the rabbit.
Judge Doom: You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful conclusion of this case draws the curtain on my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring, taking a new role in the private sector. Eddie Valiant: That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries, by any chance? Judge Doom: You're looking at the sole stockholder.
[Eddie arrives with Roger at Dolores' store to get the handcuffs removed, and hide Roger from Judge Doom] Dolores: I thought you said you'd never take another toon case. What did you have a change of heart? Eddie Valiant: Nothing's changed. Somebody's made a patsy outta me and I'm gonna find out why!
[Doom pours a canister of dip onto the road, which Benny with Eddie and Jessica drives into, and crashes into a Lamppost] Judge Doom: What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road, especially when driving in a maniacal toon vehicle.
Judge Doom: [while putting on a large black rubber glove] Since I've had Toontown under my jurisdiction my goal has been to reign in the insanity, and the only way to do that is to make Toons respect... [lets the glove snap back onto his arm] Judge Doom: ... the law.
Jessica Rabbit: Uh-oh. It's the weasels! This way. We'll take Gingerbread Lane. Eddie Valiant: No, no! Gingerbread Lane's this way! [Points with his thumb; suddenly, Benny the Cab appears in front of them] Benny the Cab: So, Valiant, you call a cab or what? [Sees Jessica] Benny the Cab: Hubba, hubba, hubba! [Opens the door for her] Benny the Cab: Allow me, mademoiselle.
Lt. Santino: Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme. Eddie Valiant: And R.K. Maroon. And my brother. Lt. Santino: Now that's what I call one seriously disturbed toon.
R.K. Maroon: [Pulls a gun on Eddie] Let me see that will. Eddie Valiant: I told you, I got it. R.K. Maroon: I wanna see it now! [Grabs the will from Eddie's coat and reads it] R.K. Maroon: "How do I love thee, let me count the ways"? Is this supposed to be a joke? Eddie Valiant: No, this is. [Squirts seltzer on Maroon, then punches him]
Smart Ass: Search the place, boys, and leave no stone interned.
Eddie Valiant: Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning.
Eddie Valiant: So why come to me? I'm the one who took the pictures of your wife. Roger Rabbit: Yeah, and you're also the one who helped all these toons. Everyone knows that when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go: Valiant & Valiant. Eddie Valiant: Not anymore.
Smart Ass: Hey Judge, what should we do with the wallflower? [referring to Eddie who is now visible through the hole in the wall] Judge Doom: [holding Roger by the neck] We'll settle with him later. Right now, I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some dip.
Benny the Cab: This is no way to make a livin'.
Roger Rabbit: Jeepers, another stupid newsreel! I hate the news!
Donald F. Duck: [playing "Hungarian Rhapsody #2"] This is hot stuff! Yeah!
R.K. Maroon: [Ducking under the curtains] Kinda jumpy, aren't you, Mr. Valiant? It's just Dumbo. Eddie Valiant: I KNOW who it is. [Maroon opens the window] R.K. Maroon: I got him on loan from Disney - him and half the cast of Fantasia. The best part is, they work for peanuts. [Throws peanuts to Dumbo, who flies off]
Roger Rabbit: P-p-please! Don't worry. Whatever you say. Yes, ma'am. Aye-aye, sir. Okey-dokey. Why, I'll take care of him like he was my own brother. Or my own sister. [Hits face on door] Roger Rabbit: Ow! Or my brother's sister. Or my second cousin...
Smart Ass: We searched Valiant boss. The will ain't on him. Judge Doom: Then frisk the woman. Greasy: *I'll* handle this one... [He puts his hand down her dress and feels around for a beat before screaming in pain and removing his hand which has been caught by a bear trap] Eddie Valiant: [to Jessica] Nice booby trap. [the weasels all laugh at Greasy's misfortune, but Doom glares at them and they stop] Judge Doom: Do they have the will or not? Smart Ass: Nah, just a stupid love letter. Judge Doom: No matter. I doubt that will is going to show up in the next fifteen minutes anyway. Eddie Valiant: What happens in the next fifteen minutes? Judge Doom: Toontown will be legally mine, lock, stock and barrel.
Greasy: [In reference to Back To The Future] I'm gonna ram 'em.
Eddie Valiant: Nobody's gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the Red Car for a nickel. Judge Doom: Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it.
R.K. Maroon: [Eddie has him with his tie caught in the Movieola, and is threathening to strangle him unless he tells him about Cloverleaf's involvement in the Acme murder] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! The truth is, I had a chance to sell my studio. But Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property unless Acme sold them his. The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell, so I was going to blackmail him with pictures of him and the rabbit's wife. Blackmail, that's all! I've been around toons all my life! I didn't want to see them destroyed! Eddie Valiant: Toons destroyed? Why? R.K. Maroon: If I tell you, I'm a dead man. Eddie Valiant: You're a dead man if you don't tell me. R.K. Maroon: Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight, Toontown's gonna be land for the free... [is shot in the back by someone outside the window]
Judge Doom: [Explains his plan to Summon Roger] No Toon can resist the old shave-and-a-haircut trick...
[Bongo catches Eddie spying on Jessica] Bongo: What do you think you're doing, chump? Eddie Valiant: Who are you callin' a chump, chimp? [Picks up Eddie and carries him to the backstage door] Bongo: GRRRR! [Throws Eddie into the garbage] Eddie Valiant: AAAHH-OOF! Bongo: Don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again. Got it? GRR! [Slams door] Eddie Valiant: OOGA-BOOGA!
Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, Raoul. I can give you stars. Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time! Raoul J. Raoul: Roger, I've dropped it on your head 23 times already. Roger Rabbit: I can take it, don't worry about me. Raoul J. Raoul: I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about the REFRIDGERATOR! Roger Rabbit: But I can give you stars, Look! [Raoul storms out, not payimg any attention to Roger slapping a Frying Pan on his head]
Benny the Cab: [as Eddie and Roger are escaping the Toon Patrol] And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers? Are they bums or what?
Eddie Valiant: GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR!... That's my brother's chair. Roger Rabbit: [looking at photo on desk] Yeah, where is your brother anyway? He looks like a sensitive and... SOBER fellow. Eddie Valiant: That's it. I'm calling the cops. Roger Rabbit: [leaving] Go ahead. Call the cops. I come here for help and what do you do? Yo turn me in. No, don't feel guilty about me. So long, and thanks for nothing. [slams door] Eddie Valiant: That's the closet! Stupe!
Eddie Valiant: Dolores, you need to find yourself a good man. Dolores: But I already have a good man. [they are about to kiss when Roger sighs - they turn to him] Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, don't mind me.
Roger Rabbit: Boy, what is this, some kind of secret room? Dolores: It's a rotgut room, holdover from Prohibition. Roger Rabbit: Oh, I get it, a speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch parlor.
Judge Doom: You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant? Eddie Valiant: Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year. Judge Doom: I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?
Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, Eddie. You know there's no justice for toons anymore. If the weasels get their hands on me, I'm as good as dipped.
Roger Rabbit: [as he dances on the bar's counter top] Woo-hoo-hoo! Nice shirt. Who's your tailor? Quasimodo? Woo-hoo!
Roger Rabbit: I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it.
Eddie Valiant: What's with him? Betty Boop: Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs. Eddie Valiant: Got a thing for rabbits, huh?
Smart Ass: Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off. The rabbit was here. It was corrugated by several others. So cut the "bull-shtick"! Eddie Valiant: You keep talkin' like that, and I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out! [he sticks a bar of soap in Smart Ass's mouth, making the other weasels laugh]
[Eddie gets $50 for a $100 job] Eddie Valiant: Where's the other fifty? R.K. Maroon: Let's call the other fifty a carrot to finish the job. Eddie Valiant: You've been hanging around rabbits too long.
[Donald and Daffy are playing "Hungarian Rhapsody #2" in a session of dueling pianos] Donald F. Duck: Hey, hey! Cut it out! Daffy Duck: Doeth anybody underthtand what thith duck ith thaying?
Jessica Rabbit: Mr. Valiant? [Eddie turns around; Jessica slaps him and walks away] Jessica Rabbit: I hope you're proud of yourself, and those pictures you took.
Baby Herman: Whatta you know, you dumb broad? You got the IQ of a rattle. [Slaps woman's rear end]
[Eddie is about to pick up the hand buzzer that fell off of Acme's corpse when Judge Doom stops him with his cane] Judge Doom: Is this man removing evidence from the scene of the crime? Lt. Santino: Ah, no, Judge Doom. Valiant here was just picking it up for you. Weren't you, Eddie? Judge Doom: Hand it over. Eddie Valiant: Sure. [zaps Doom with buzzer] Eddie Valiant: Their number one seller. Judge Doom: I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you. Eddie Valiant: I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R.K. Maroon. Judge Doom: Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit said one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true? Eddie Valiant: Bah! What do I look like? A stenographer? Lt. Santino: Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's a judge. Judge Doom: That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking.
Roger Rabbit: Jeepers, Eddie. That was swell. You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya? [kisses Eddie, Eddie pulls away] Eddie Valiant: For starters, don't ever kiss me again.
Judge Doom: [deleted scene] Rummaging around in a lady's dressing room? Tsk, tsk, tsk. What were you looking for, Mr. Valiant? Jessica Rabbit: Last week, some heavy breather wanted one of my nylons as a souvenir. Eddie Valiant: Look, doll, if I'd wanted underwear, I'd have broken into Frederick's of Hollywood. You know damn well I was looking for Marvin Acme's will. Judge Doom: Marvin Acme had no will. I should know; the estate's in my jurisdiction. Eddie Valiant: Oh, there was a will all right. And she and R.K. Maroon killed him for it. Jessica Rabbit: [offended] That's absurd! Eddie Valiant: Someone else is in here looking for the will, too. Probably Maroon's flunkies. [gestures toward the gorilla bouncer] Eddie Valiant: I would've caught 'em, too, if Cheetah here hadn't have interrupted me!
Judge Doom: [deleted scene] We'll handle Mr. Valiant our own way: downtown. Eddie Valiant: Downtown? Fine. I'll just get a hold of Santino. I'll be more than happy to go downtown. Judge Doom: Oh, I'm not talking about *that* downtown. I'm talking about downtown *Toon*town!
[Eddie is hiding Roger and the handcuffs in his sink, to hide him from the Toon Patrol] Smart Ass: Okay, wise-guy. Where's the rabbit? Eddie Valiant: Haven't seen 'im. Smart Ass: [sniffs suspiciously at the sink] What's in there? Eddie Valiant: [holds up a dirty sock] My lingerie. Smart Ass: [yelps, winces, and covers his nose] I see, Valiant.
Dolores: Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday? Eddie Valiant: Fish special? Dolores: Well, my boss checks the books on Friday. And if I don't have that money I gave you back in the till, I'm gonna lose my job. Eddie Valiant: Don't bust a button, Dolores. [extracts his $50 check] Eddie Valiant: You've only got one left.
Angelo: So who's your client, Mr. Detective-to-the-Stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel? Dolores: What'll it be? Angelo: I'll have a beer, doll. So what happened, huh? Somebody kidnapped Dinky Doodle? Dolores: Cut it out, Angelo. Angelo: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, I've got it. You're working for Little Bo Peep. She's lost her sheep, and you're gonna help her find them, huh? [Angelo laughs. Eddie kicks Angelo's seat out from under him and grabs him by the neck] Eddie Valiant: Get this straight, meatball. I... don't... work... for toons. [Eddie stuff a hard-boiled egg in Angelo's mouth and storms off] Angelo: [spits out the egg] So, what's his problem? Dolores: A toon killed his brother Angelo: What? Dolores: Dropped a piano on his head.
Marvin Acme: Over here, Jessica. I have everything ready. Right here, on the bed. Jessica Rabbit: Oh, not now, Marvin. I have a headache. Marvin Acme: But Jessica, you promised. Jessica Rabbit: Oh, all right. But this time, take off that hand buzzer.
Jessica Rabbit: Well, we're not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours. Eddie Valiant: I have a feeling someone already did. Jessica Rabbit: From the looks of it I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel. Eddie Valiant: Better lover than a driver, huh? Jessica Rabbit: You'd better believe it, buster.
[Eddie is hanging on to a flagpole with Tweety Bird's nest on top] Tweety: Oh, wook! Piddies. Eddie Valiant: Hi, Tweety. Tweety: This wittle piddy went to market. [lifts one of Eddie's fingers from the pole] Tweety: This wittle piddy stayed home. [lifts another one] Eddie Valiant: No. Tweety: This wittle piddy had woast beef... [lifts another one] Tweety: And this wittle piddy had... [Eddie falls] Tweety: Uh-oh, wan outta piddies.
Jessica Rabbit: Oh, no! Where's Roger? Eddie Valiant: Roger? He chickened out on me back at the studio. Jessica Rabbit: No, he didn't. I hit him over the head with a frying pan and stuck him in the trunk. So he wouldn't get hurt. Eddie Valiant: Makes perfect sense.
Dolores: I would have been here right after you called, but I had to shake the weasels.
[Yosemite Sam, with his rear end on fire, lands near Eddie] Yosemite Sam: Yeow! Ow! My biscuits are burnin'! Fire in the hatch! Great horny toads, that smarts! [Sits in a puddle and extinguishes the fire]
Roger Rabbit: [Emerges from the closet and slaps cuffs on Eddie] Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest! Pbbbbbbbbb... Eddie Valiant: Get outta there! Idiot, I got no keys for these cuffs!
[Roger and Benny arrive outside the Acme Factory] Roger Rabbit: Benny, you go to the cops. I'm gonna save my wife. Benny the Cab: Be careful with that gun. This ain't no cartoon, you know. Roger Rabbit: [Struggling to open a Nearby Window] Wouldn't you know? Locked! [Roger presses his hand against the window and slips, landing into a Toilet that sucks him through]
Roger Rabbit: [Noticing Benny, injured from the Dip he drove through spilled onto the Road] Benny, is that you? Benny the Cab: [sarcastically] No, it's Shirley Temple!
Roger Rabbit: Benny, is that you? Benny the Cab: [sarcastically, trapped in the boot of the Toon Patrol's vehicle] No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt! Get me outta here, Roger!
Lt. Santino: [Waking Eddie up, who fell asleep in his Office] Gee whiz, Eddie, if you really needed money so bad, then why didn't you come to me? Eddie Valiant: So I took a couple of dirty pictures, kill me. Lt. Santino: I've already got a stiff on my hands, thank you. Eddie Valiant: Huh? Lt. Santino: Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night.
R.K. Maroon: [Being Interrogated by Eddie, to make him talk] What are you gonna do to me, Valiant? Eddie Valiant: I'm gonna listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario. The story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, I'm gonna edit out. R.K. Maroon: You got it all wrong, Valiant. I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer. Eddie Valiant: Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
Eddie Valiant: I'm glad Teddy isn't here to see me running with my tail between my legs. Roger Rabbit: It's not so bad, once you get used to it.
Roger Rabbit: No! Not my Jessica! Not pattycake! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee. Eddie Valiant: Well you better start drinking it black, Acme's taking the cream now.
Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy? Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.
Smart Ass: Stop that laughing. You know what happens when you can't stop laughing? [hits two with a plunger, and throws it at Stupid] Smart Ass: One of these days, you're gonna die laughing.
Jessica Rabbit: I suppose you think no one's going to notice Toontown's disappeared? Judge Doom: Who's got time to wonder what happened to some ridiculous talking mice when they're driving by at 75 miles an hour? Jessica Rabbit: What're you talking about? There's no road past Toontown.
Eddie Valiant: Weren't you the one I caught playing pattycake with old man Acme? Jessica Rabbit: You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures. Eddie Valiant: What are you talking about? Jessica Rabbit: Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those pattycake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. Anything. [Presses her chest against Eddie's with a "thump"] Eddie Valiant: What a wife.
Eddie Valiant: A ladies' man, eh? Baby Herman: The problem is I got a fifty year old lust and a three year old dinky. Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer, I should know, he's a dear friend of mine. I tell ya Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will. [Tosses Eddie a Newspaper which shows Marvin Acme with a will in the pocket of his shirt] Baby Herman: That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the real reason he got bumped off. Eddie Valiant: Has anyone ever seen this will? Baby Herman: Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath. Eddie Valiant: If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal. Baby Herman: I just thought that since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya. Eddie Valiant: [angry] Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes! [pushes stroller] Baby Herman: Hey hey hay, Valiant, wait! [cigar falls to floor as stroller hits woman] Baby Herman: My stogie! [sees ruined cigar] Baby Herman: WAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAA...
Eddie Valiant: The job will cost you a hundred bucks, plus expenses. R.K. Maroon: A hundred bucks? That's ridiculous! Eddie Valiant: So's the job.
Eddie Valiant: This singing ain't my line / It's hard to make a rhyme / If I get stuck, I'm... I'm out of luck, and... and... Jessica Rabbit: I'm running out of time! Eddie Valiant: Thanks.
[Valiant runs up to a trolley that is about to leave. He holds up his $50 check to the conductor] Conductor: What do I look like? A bank? [Closes doors]
Forensic #1: Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant? Or did you change your name to Jack Daniels?
Benny the Cab: How about this weather, huh? It never rains!
Benny the Cab: Pull the lever! Eddie Valiant: Which one? Roger Rabbit: Which one? Benny the Cab: "Which one?" [a sign pops up on the dashboard reading "This one, stupid!"]
Dolores: Is he always this funny, or only on days when he's wanted for murder?
R.K. Maroon: How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant? Eddie Valiant: Only that there is no business like it, no business I know. R.K. Maroon: Yeah. And there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You've seen the rabbit blowing his lines. He can't keep his mind on his job. You know why? Eddie Valiant: One too many refrigerators dropped on his head? R.K. Maroon: Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, goes to pieces just like you and me.
[to Eddie] Roger Rabbit: Is there nothing that can permeate that impervious puss?
Jessica Rabbit: Oh, Honey Bunny! Roger Rabbit: Oh, Love Cup. Jessica Rabbit: [kisses Roger] Oh, Roger! You were a pillar of strength.
Kid #3: [Riding on the back of a trolley with Eddie] Hey, mister. Ain't you got a car? Eddie Valiant: Who needs a car in L.A.? We have the best public transportation system in the world.
Judge Doom: Have they got the will or not? Smart Ass: [Holding out Jessica's Love Letter from Roger found in Eddie's pocket] Nah, just a stupid love letter. Judge Doom: No matter. I doubt the will'll show up in the next fifteen minutes, anyway. Eddie Valiant: What happens in the next fifteen minutes? Judge Doom: Toontown will be legally mine, lock, stock and barrel.
Dolores: [Ripping the Toon Kiss mark from Jessica off Eddie's face] Do you wanna tell me what she was doing with her arms around you? Eddie Valiant: Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife! Dolores: Come on, Eddie! I caught you with your pants down!
Roger Rabbit: [to Jessica, after they are almost killed] I wasn't worried, were you?
Dolores: [catching Eddie with Jessica] Dabbling in watercolors, Eddie?
Baby Herman: For crying out loud, Roger, I don't know how many times we have to do this damn scene! Raoul, I'll be in my trailer, taking a nap! [Walks between a woman's legs] Baby Herman: 'Scuse me, toots.
[Psycho has died and his ghost floats heavenward, activating the dip cannon as he does so] Psycho: Bye-bye! Hee-hee!
Roger Rabbit: When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will, but you don't. When he finds out, he's gonna be mad! He might try to kill ya. Eddie Valiant: I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You cover my back. If you hear or see anything, beep the horn twice. [Eddie goes into Maroon's office] Roger Rabbit: Yeah, that's it, beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready: dukes up, eyes peeled, ears to the ground. Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit! [a frying pan is held above his head from behind; it slams down on his head, knocking the rabbit out cold, after which the assailant drags Roger around behind the wall]