Harry Crumb is a bumbling and inept private investigator who is hired to solve the kidnapping of a young heiress which he's not expected to solve because his employer is the mastermind behind the kidnapping.

Harry Crumb: [impersonating a Hungarian hairdresser] I am Djour Djilios.
Suki's Salon Receptionist: Could you spell that please?
Harry Crumb: I don't think so. Try it with a "D".
Harry Crumb: What's this? An egg?
Eliot Draison: It's a pterodactyl egg. It's fossilized. It's 90 million years old. In the entire world, only two of these have ever been found.
Harry Crumb: You know, that may be worth something.
Eliot Draison: [Harry is showing Elliot photographic evidence of Hellen Downing having an affair. However, Harry is not aware that the man in the photos is Elliot himself, not the apartment's owner, Vince Barnes, who is also a lover of Hellen's. The photos clearly show Elliot's face, and Elliot is amused by Harry's ignorance] You haven't looked at these have you?
Harry Crumb: No. I was there!
[Both men laugh]
Harry Crumb: You'd think an athletic guy like Vince Barnes would have a big dingus
[Elliot is clearly infuriated, but Harry doesn't notice]
Harry Crumb: ... But, no, look at that pathetic little...
[Sees "Fallacy" on his word-a-day callendar, but ignores the definition]
Harry Crumb: fallacy.
Eliot Draison: [Elliot indignantly slams the photos down on the desk] You don't know anything about this case, do you?
Harry Crumb: [Harry and Nikki are having a heart-to-heart conversation, while out on a drive] You know Nikki, you and I are a lot alike. We're both travelling through life...
[He presses the break pedal and nothing happens]
Harry Crumb: ... IN A CAR WITH NO BREAKS!
Harry Crumb: My reputation precedes me. Otherwise I'd be late for all my appointments.
Helen Downing: Back then, dinner and a movie might have gotten you into some girl's panties, but it's gonna take a lot more than that to get into mine.
Helen Downing: I hate being poor.
Vince Barnes: Agh... we've still got each other babe. - singing - They say our love won't pay the rent; before its earned our money's all been spent. I got you babe... woah, hey, now... I got you babe.
Mikki Downing: Look at her. Isn't she perfect?
Harry Crumb: Well, I wouldn't say perfect. I mean, look at the size of her head. She must be enormous.
Harry Crumb: But easy to find.
Mrs. MacIntyre: [looking at photos of her husband cheating on her] You idiot! These pictures are of me!
[Harry Crumb falls backwards in his chair]
Harry Crumb: What? Let me see those.
Mrs. MacIntyre: Give them here.
Harry Crumb: Not so fast. I've had my eye on you for a while, lady. I knew you were up to something, and here's my proof: it was you who was having an affair with your husband all along!
Mrs. MacIntyre: What?
Harry Crumb: I've uncovered some pretty low schemes in my time. But secretly hiring me to take pornographic pictures of you and your sleazeball husband is as low as it gets!
Mrs. MacIntyre: I don't believe this!
Harry Crumb: Believe what you want, lady. But don't believe it here.
Mrs. MacIntyre: You are a poor excuse for a human being!
Harry Crumb: Says you!

If you find QuotesGram website useful to you, please donate $10 to support the ongoing development work.