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The two best hired guns in the West must save President Grant from the clutches of a nineteenth-century inventor-villain.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings! Capt. James West: Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted! Dr. Arliss Loveless: Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age! Capt. James West: Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know. Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment! Capt. James West: Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next!
Capt. James West: Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck? Artemus Gordon: Excuse me? Capt. James West: Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff. Artemus Gordon: [chuckling maniacally] Oh ho ho, I see. *Now* I'm the "master of this mechanical stuff." As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless... [throws back his head and shouts] Artemus Gordon: JIM WEST! ["Jim West" echoes through the canyon] Artemus Gordon: ...decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country! Capt. James West: Gordon, I think you need to calm down. Artemus Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF!
President Grant: And you, West, not every situation calls for your patented approach of "shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two."
Artemus Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass. Capt. James West: Pardon me? Artemus Gordon: What? Capt. James West: You said "ass." Artemus Gordon: No, I didn't. I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air." Capt. James West: Let's just get some shut ass.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: The wrongs will be righted! The past made present! The United - divided!
Capt. James West: [Whistles] I'd like to have everyone's attention for a moment. It seems we have had series of major misunderstandings here tonight. First of all, the whole "drummin' on the boobies" thing. Now in my native land... Someone in crowd: Georgia? Capt. James West: Africa. We use drums to communicate between villages. And as you can see by this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. Hell, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston. All I was saying to the gal was, "Hi, how ya doing? My name's Jim. How's your momma?" Then there was the whole "Redneck" comment. And I'm sensing that you took that negatively. But let's break down that word "Redneck". First word red, color of power, fire, passion. Second word neck... neck... hey I can't think of nothing for neck right now, but without that you still got red and that's something to be proud of.
Capt. James West: Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment? Artemus Gordon: A bedside heater. Capt. James West: What? Artemus Gordon: Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.
Rita Escobar: He's so impetuous. Artemus Gordon: Yes, he's an idiot.
Loveless Hentchman: [Doing Karate moves] I learned that from a China man Capt. James West: [Kickes up a shovel and hits him in the face] I just made that up
Dr. Arliss Loveless: We may not have a woodshed on board, but that boy is gonna get a whuppin' anyway!
[last lines, as Jim and Artemus are riding away on Loveless' spider] Artemus Gordon: Jim? Capt. James West: What now, Artie? Artemus Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question? Capt. James West: Actually, I do, Artie.
Artemus Gordon: Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket. Capt. James West: Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass? Artemus Gordon: That's the first place Loveless would have looked.
[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest] Artemus Gordon: I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much. Dr. Arliss Loveless: Shoot him in the head. Artemus Gordon: [quietly] Damn.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Rita, my dear. Not that I'm ungrateful to providence for bringing you back, but I have to confess - I'm just a little bit curious as to how you managed to wind up with them. Rita Escobar: Well, they seemed so sure that they could find you, I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends. [In a low voice] Rita Escobar: Not to give you a big head, but, I kind of missed you. Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, isn't that a coincidence? Cos, I kinda miss me too!
Capt. James West: I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Why y'all look like you've seen a ghost? It's me, dear friends - alive and kicking! Well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humor! No, not even when we've lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty-five feet of small intestine, and our ability to reproduce - all in the name of the South! - do we EVER LOSE OUR SENSE OF HUMOR!
[Gordon zaps McGrath with his hypno-belt] McGrath: What's this? Artemus Gordon: Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy? McGrath: Yes, I'm sleepy. Artemus Gordon: Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand? McGrath: Woof! Artemus Gordon: Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak! McGrath: [panting] Woof! Woof! Artemus Gordon: You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: [after blasting McGrath] Well, I think that concludes this night's festivities. Ladies, feed him to the crabs. [he turns to face the assembled foreign dignitaries] Dr. Arliss Loveless: Gentlemen, since the beginning of written history a nation's power has been measured by the size of its standing army. Tonight that chapter will be closed. The traditional army, to say nothing of the United States, will become extinct, laid low by a *cripple*-! [splash as McGrath's body hits the water] Dr. Arliss Loveless: -as the general so amusingly implied, and mechanology. But my friends, that tank is just a little hors d'oeuvre compared to what the country's greatest scientists are cooking up for me next. So, if I have piqued your interest, bring one thousand kilograms of your country's gold to Spider Canyon in ten days time. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a tank to catch.
President Grant: Gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I'm starting a new agency, whose sole purpose is the protection of the President. Welcome to the Secret Service, Agents Number One, and Number Two. Artemus Gordon: Thank you, Mr. President. [pause] Artemus Gordon: Sir, if you don't mind my asking, which of us is Number One and which is Number Two? President Grant: I don't think that really matters, Gordon, do you? Artemus Gordon: Not if you don't, sir.
[chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks] Artemus Gordon: The collars around our necks! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine! Capt. James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power? Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years! Capt. James West: Damn!
Capt. James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman. Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men. Capt. James West: You looked nasty, just butt ugly. Your breasts were hard and stiff, and sticking out like rusty cannons on a sunken ship. Artemus Gordon: [puts on his costume breasts] These breasts are a work of art. Aesthetically, and scientifically perfect. Capt. James West: They look like shit.
Artemus Gordon: I've been trying to place myself in Loveless' shoes. Capt. James West: Good luck with that one. Artemus Gordon: What could this demented maniac with no reproductive organs, want with Rita? Artemus Gordon: [Rita falls through the train's sliding roof, beside West, unseen by Gordon] Which is not to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so... Artemus Gordon: [turns and notices Rita] ... what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were so many, so foreign, so... [quietly to West] Artemus Gordon: How long has she been here? Capt. James West: Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks. Artemus Gordon: I am profoundly sorry.
[having just diffused Dr. Loveless' mechanical legs after being kicked around - and stomped on - by them] Capt. James West: Well, Dr. Loveless. I bet you thought that was pretty funny, dancing on my head and all. Now, if you ask me, someone owes someone else here an apology.
[as the Tarantula approaches a small town] Dr. Arliss Loveless: Mr. President, for the last time, sign the surrender, or I will decimate this town! President Grant: You've had my answer. Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well, I understand your position, sir, but I urge you to reconsider, in light of the following! [opens fire]
Capt. James West: That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy.
[hanging out of the 80-foot spider, which is dangling over a cliff] Arliss Loveless: Well, I'll be a MONKEY'S uncle! How how did we arrive in this DARK situation? Capt. James West: I don't know, Dr. Loveless. I'm just as STUMPED as you are.
Capt. James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman. Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men!
Capt. James West: That is a man's head.
Coleman: President thought you boys could use a little looking-after. But I draw the line at defying gravity, so good luck.
McGrath: And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart.
[preparing to try their flying machine] Artemus Gordon: Hold on. Avanti! [the bicycle speeds forward] Artemus Gordon: Avanti! Avanti! Capt. James West: Why isn't this thing avanti-ing? Artemus Gordon: We're not getting enough lift! We need more speed! [He turns toward a cliff] Capt. James West: Artie, that's a cliff! Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know! Capt. James West: That means the ground is gonna end! Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know! Capt. James West: Gordon... Gordon... GORDON! [the machine goes off the edge of the cliff... and sails into the air] Artemus Gordon: It works! It works! Capt. James West: If you had to get one right, Artie, I'm sure glad it was this one.
Capt. James West: Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it.
Capt. James West: I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath. Artemus Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.
McGrath: [shouting] You sawed-off sadistic bastard! You've betrayed us! Dr. Arliss Loveless: My dear General, having donated half of my physical being to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General Lee repay my loyalty? You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?
Capt. James West: For four long years I've been chasing the animal responsible for the massacre at New Liberty. I hear tell that's you. Dr. Arliss Loveless: I am not an animal! I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am *angry*! And after I kill you, I swear I'm going to boil you down for axle grease!
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Well now isn't this a coincidence? I'm out for a little morning ride and right in the middle of nowhere I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself!
Capt. James West: Let's break it down into two words. First, red. Red is like, fire, passion. Neck is - I can't think of anything for neck right now.
Artemus Gordon: We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have? [they look down into a canyon] Artemus Gordon: He has his own city. [Loveless' mechanical spider walks up over the edge of the cliff on which they are standing] Capt. James West: He has an 80-foot tarantula. Artemus Gordon: I was just coming to that.
[Preparing a flying machine] Artemus Gordon: Although he was considered insane by his peers, Bernoulli's theory states that the air flowing over a bird's wing is at a lower pressure than the air flowing under the wing. That's called "lift," and that is what we're now going to... attempt. Of course, it's only a theory, it's never been tested... Capt. James West: Stop talking. Artemus Gordon: Sorry.
[West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch] Capt. James West: Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out. Artemus Gordon: Don't worry.
Miss East: So let's see Mr. West, are you a spy of some sort or just a handsome cowboy? Who likes to poke around? Capt. James West: I believe I'm that second one. Miss East: East and West, never the twain shall meet.
[Belle and James are making out in a water tank while some men pile crates onto it, making it move and about to tip over] Belle: [as the water rushes against them] Oo Jim! Capt. James West: Uh, as much as I'd like to take credit for that, darling, you might wanna hand me my gun.
[Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs] Capt. James West: You know, you could put a gun on that. Artemus Gordon: Then where would I keep my pencil?
[they have gotten stuck back to gether with collar magnets. Trying to free each other, they end up in an even worse fix] Artemus Gordon: What did you do? Capt. James West: I didn't do shit! Artemus Gordon: [accusing] Yes, you did! You've somehow reversed the polarity of your magnet! Capt. James West: Hey! I-did-not-do-shit!
Munitia: [aiming a shot at West's & Gordon's train] I have them square in my sights, Sire! Dr. Arliss Loveless: [staring at her buttocks] As do I, Munitia! As do I!
[after Loveless falls to his doom in the canyon] Capt. James West: Now that's... a whuppin'.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity. Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me, and forgo your executions? Capt. James West: Actually, I was thinking I'd stuff your little half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilize the landscape with ya.
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