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A reluctant dwarf must play a critical role in protecting a special baby from an evil queen.
Willow: What are you doing? Madmartigan: I found some blackroot. She loves it. Willow: Blackroot? I'm the father of two children, and you never, ever give a baby blackroot. Madmartigan: Well my mother raised us on it. It's good for you! It put's hair on your chest, right Sticks? Willow: Her name is not Sticks! She's Elora Dannen, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she's gonna want is a hairy chest!
Madmartigan: Did I really... Did I really say those things, last night, in your tent? Sorsha: You said you loved me. Madmartigan: I don't remember that. Sorsha: You lied to me. Madmartigan: No, I... I just wasn't myself last night. Sorsha: I suppose my power enchanted you and you were helpless against it. Madmartigan: Sort of. Sorsha: Then what? Madmartigan: It... went away. Sorsha: Went away? "I dwell in darkness without you" and it *went away*?
Willow: See this acorn? I'll throw it at you and turn you to stone! Madmartigan: Ooh, I'm really scared. No! Don't! There's a- a peck here with an acorn pointed at me!
Sorsha: What are you looking at? Madmartigan: Your leg. I'd like to break it.
[Willow has unknowingly turned Fin Raziel into a goat] Fin Raziel: W-w-i-l-l-o-w! You i-i-i-i-d-iot!
Madmartigan: What the hell happened up there? Willow: You started spouting poetry. "I love you Sorsha! I worship you Sorsha!" You almost got us killed! Madmartigan: "I love you Sorsha?" I don't love her, she kicked me in the face! I hate her... Don't I?
Rool: We'll never catch up with those horses! Franjean: Then we will have to track them. Rool: That would take forever. Besides, even if we find them, they'd only capture us, stick us in cages, torture us and finally devour us! Franjean: Are you suggesting we go home? Rool: Nah, this is more fun. Franjean: All right, fine then. Come on!
Llug: Wanna breed? Madmartigan: [disguised as Hilda] Tempting... but no.
Soldier: Outta the way, Peck!
Willow: You stupid hag! With my magic, I'll send her into the... into a... Bavmorda: [Bavmorda laughs] You're no sorcerer! Willow: Into a realm where evil cannot touch her! Bavmorda: Impossible! There's no such place!
Willow: [having been chosen as her gaurdian] Elora, you don't want me. [to Cherlindirea] Willow: Tell her. I'm short. Even for a Nelwyn.
High Aldwin: [throws an apple into the air which turns into a bird] Go in the direction the bird is flying! Burgelcutt: He's going back to village! High Aldwin: Ignore the bird. Follow the river.
Madmartigan: [He and Willow have entered a fortress empty, save for petrified beings] Why did I *listen* to you, Peck? "Everything will be all right once we get to Tir Asleen". Well, the only army around here is the one that will ride across this valley and wipe us out! Willow: But Cherlindrea said we'd be safe here! Madmartigan: Safe? Look at these people! This place is cursed, Peck. It's falling apart. Open your eyes. And it... [Steps in a pile of troll dung] Madmartigan: Trolls!
Cherlindrea: Elora Danan must survive. She must fulfill her destiny and bring about the downfall of Queen Bavmorda. Her powers are growing like an evil plague. Unless she is stopped, Bavmorda will control the lives of your village, your children, everyone. All creatures of good heart need your help, Willow. The choice is yours.
[During an intense chase, Rool feels the need to vomit] Rool: NO... MORE... BEER!
Willow: Don't call me a peck! Madmartigan: Oh, I'm sorry! Peck! Peck! Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck!
Franjean: Don't I know you? I stole the baby from you, Daikini! While you were taking a peepee!
Madmartigan: I love you, Sorsha! Sorsha: Stop saying that!
High Aldwin: I will consult the bones! [he shakes the bones out of the pouch and studies them] High Aldwin: [in a low voice, to Willow] The bones tell me nothing. [pause] High Aldwin: Have you any love for this child? Willow: [looks at Elora] Yes. Yes, I do. High Aldwin: [standing] The bones have spoken!
[Willow and Madmartigan are freed from their cage. Madmartigan has just been sprayed with a love potion] Willow: Come on, Madmartigan. Let's get Elora Dannan out of here. Madmartigan: Yeah. It'll be fun!
Franjean: Fine, good! Then we go that way, to the lake! Rool: [tapping Franjean's shoulder] *That* way. Franjean: You are drunk! And when you are drunk, you forget that I am in charge! Rool: [in unison] You are in charge. Fine, then which way do we go? Franjean, Rool: THAT WAY! Madmartigan: Oh, NO! That's the way I'm going! All right, all right, you can follow me as far as the lake. But that's it! [beat] Madmartigan: You're not going south, are you?
Rool: [Seeing an attractive woman at the bar] Oooh! Look at her! I could use a love potion on her!
Willow: Here are her changing rags and her milk bladder. Madmartigan: Any milk in there? Willow: It's for *her*! Madmartigan: I wouldn't steal from a *baby*! You worry too much, Peck. Meegosh: It's Willow!
Rool: [drunk] Excuse me, are we having a party?
Fin Raziel: Patience, Willow! Willow: Courage, Willow!
Airk: Ha ha ha! Madmartigan. What'd you do this time? Madmartigan: Nothing you wouldn't have done in my place. Airk: I always knew you'd end up in a crow's cage. Madmartigan: Well, at least I'm not down there herding sheep.
Madmartigan: Get your hair out of my face or I'll chop it off.
Madmartigan: Hey, Mumbo. Jumbo. I am hungry. Go get me some eggs or something. Franjean: We are not afraid of you! Madmartigan: NOW! [Franjean and Rool race off]
Rool: [to the tavern cat] You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your whiskers! I have to kiss you!
Willow: I found a boat. We're all set. Madmartigan: Good. Take these two lizards out and drown them. Rool: Lizards? Who you calling lizards? Grrr! Grrr! Your mother was a lizard!
Fin Raziel: I have Cherlindrea's wand, Bavmorda!
Madmartigan: Let me do that. Get away, rodents! Franjean: Take your hand off that! You leave that alone you stupid, fat Daikini!
Madmartigan: [crying] I guess I am gonna die here. Who cares? Willow: [offers him a cup of water] Here. Madmartigan: [Immediately recovering] Thanks, friend. Willow: What's that? [Sees a mass of soldiers on horses approaching] Madmartigan: I'd say two or three hundred horses, five or six wagons... and about a thousand fools.
Madmartigan: Well my mother raised me on blackroot. It's good for you. It puts hair on your chest, doesn't it, Sticks?
Rool: Rats! Big rats! Franjean: What? What? Oh, Rool, you and that stupid rat dream.
Burgelcutt: [Vohnkar has volunteered to accompany Willow on his quest] No - not Vohnkar! He's the best warrior in the village, we need him here. Vohnkar - step back! High Aldwin: All this expedition needs is a leader. And according to the bones, that leader is... you, Burgelkutt. Burgelcutt: VOHNKAR!
Willow: We need your help! Madmartigan: [sarcastically] My help? Why would you need my help? You're a *sorcerer*. Willow: You're a great warrior! And a swordsman!... And you're ten times bigger than I am, stupid!
Madmartigan: [about Elora Dannen] She is kinda cute... When she's quiet. Willow: She's really a princess. Madmartigan: [sarcastically] Really? And you're a great sorcerer... And I'm the king of Cashmir. Go to sleep, Willow.
Llug: Want to breed? Madmartigan: Tempting, but no.
Rool: Let me see! Franjean: Let *me* see! Rool: You always see!
Willow: What's that? Madmartigan: Smells like a battle. Willow: I suppose you're a warrior. Madmartigan: I am the greatest swordsman that ever lived. Say, um, can I have some of that water?
Willow: Burglekutt, I'm gonna... Burgelcutt: You're gonna what? [Willow is silent] Burgelcutt: AH HA HA HA HA! Willow: Some day, Burglekutt! Some day!
Fin Raziel: Farmers! Cherlindrea sends me farmers!
[Sorsha takes off her helmet, revealing her face and long hair, after Madmartigan has pushed her away from him when she tries to look under his robe for Elora Danan] Madmartigan: [still disguised as 'Hilda' and speaking in a falsetto] You're... beautiful. Sorsha: And you're very strong. Madmartigan: Thank you... Sorsha: You're no woman! [she rips off Madmartigan's disguise] Barmaid: Now, honey... Llug: Not a woman? Barmaid: Easy! Madmartigan: Gentlemen... Llug: *Not a woman?* Madmartigan: ...meet Llug. [he ducks just as Llug's punch knocks into the soldier holding him]
Madmartigan: Well, looks like I got you here. Franjean: You? What did you do? Rool: All you did was hang around and eat our eggs.
Willow: Madmartigan, you never, ever drive that fast with an infant! Madmartigan: I just saved that infant's life!
Madmartigan: That's magic? It smells terrible. Willow: It's the life spark. It forms... Madmartigan: Well, it stinks! This whole thing stinks!
Willow: We found one of your babies in our village. Will you please take care of her? Airk: We're going into battle, little ones. Find a woman to take care of her. Madmartigan: He thought you *were* a woman, Airk!
Franjean: Don't play with that wand! It holds vast powers. Only a real sorcerer can use it, not a stupid peck like you.
Madmartigan: Let me out of here, Airk. Give me a sword, I'll win this war for you. Airk: I still serve Galadorn, remember? You serve no one. Just sit in your coffin and rot. [Rides off] Madmartigan: I'll be around long after you're dead! When I get out of here, I'm gonna cut your head off and stick it on a pig pole!
Franjean: Oh no, where did everybody go? Rool: Maybe it was something we said.
Willow: Burglekutt, you're troll dung! Madmartigan: Don't let him talk to you that way, Burglekutt!
High Aldwin: Magic is the bloodstream of the universe. Forget all you know, or think you know. All that you require is your intuition.
Sorsha: You're no woman! The Wench: Now, honey, take it easy. Llug: Not a woman? Madmartigan: Gentleman. Llug: Not a woman? Madmartigan: Meet Llug.
[Upon meeting Fin Raziel, who had been transformed into a muskrat] Rool: That's Raziel? Franjean: I don't know, I expected something more grand, less... Rool: Fuzzy. Franjean: Fuzzy.
Madmartigan: Burglekutt, let me out of here. I'll take care of the baby, I swear. Just let me out of here... Please. Vohnkar, let me borrow that spear just for a minute. Well... Well at least give me some water. Burglekutt, don't leave me alone here with these two! UHH! Well that was really stupid, Peck.
Willow: Ouch! What'd you bite me for? Fin Raziel: Three drops of your blood must be put in the potion. Willow: Well, you could've warned me!
Madmartigan: What are you going to look like if this works? Fin Raziel: Don't interrupt. Madmartigan: Sorry. Fin Raziel: I'm a young beautiful woman. Madmartigan: Concentrate, Willow!
Willow: Meegosh... did we do the right thing? Meegosh: Absolutely. There's nothing to worry about. [They hear Elora crying overhead, and look up to see her being carried by a hawk ridden by a brownie] Franjean: Yaaah, ha-ha! I stole the baby, I stole the baby, ha-ha! Yah! Willow: That's my baby! Stop, wait, come back! Franjean: [flying off] Left, you stupid bird, left! Ha-ha!
Franjean: Stupid Daikini.
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