While his trailer trash parents teeter on the edge of divorce, Nick Twisp sets his sights on dream girl Sheeni Saunders, hoping that she'll be the one to take away his virginity.

Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: In the movies the good guy gets the girl. In real life it's usually the prick.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: [after having sex with Sheeni, to Sheeni] It's a wonder that humankind has constructed any kind of civilization with this monumental distraction at hand.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm gonna wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown that you are.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: If that's OK with you.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I Want To Tickle Your Belly Button... From The Inside
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Bernice, you sweet angel of the lavatory!
Sheeni Saunders: Kiss me, you weenie.
Sheeni Saunders: Would you mind applying this to my exposed areas? Hmmm, get turned on easily? Don't stop, Nick. It's only natural. For all the world knows, my vagina could be moist with desire as we speak.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Is it?
Estelle Twisp: I need that child support money to eat.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Shouldn't you need that child support money to support your child?
Jerry: [after seeing a car in his living room] Shit on a godamn dick!
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Sheeni, hi, nice to see you. I was just going for a walk, and I thought I'd drop by. I remembered that you lived here. I'm sorry I got so upset about Trent. It was very immature of me. I'm not normally like that. He sounds like a great guy. I'd love to hear more of his neat poetry. Say, do you want to go to the beach or get breakfast?
Sheeni Saunders: Actually I'm going on a hike. I'd ask you to come along, but you haven't got any hiking boots, provisions, survey maps, or a compass.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Fine. I do all of my hiking free form. Like John Muir, I enter the wilderness with nothing more than my journal and a child-like sense of wonder.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Well, I'll be leaving. Please continue without me.
Trent: Nick, I would advise you to remain here and face the consequences of your actions like a man.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Well, thank you for that unsolicited counsel, Trent, and please do drop dead.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm not going anywhere until you sink your filthy dick in this tomato.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'll only ask once that you and your adorable sweater step away from the door.
Mrs. Saunders: You're the devil and that dog is a hell-beast!
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Officer Lance Wescott please... one moment
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Hey asshole, it's me.
Lance Wescott: Nick you little shit, you know you're going to jail right?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Thanks fucko, I'm calling to make it easy for you, I'll be at Hazel park in one hour, round up your donut dipping friends, I'm turning myself in, fuck you.
Mr. Ferguson: Nick, why are you naked too?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Solidarity?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I also have a sweetheart for the moment, so...
Sheeni Saunders: Really? What's her name?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Her name is Martha Singwal, she's 16... she's got toasted almond hair, so... she's only just recently returned from Nice where she's been conducting sociological research on the assimilation problems of italian immigrants... workers... down there. She's also a professional model, specializes in lingerie. She likes me quite a bit, she tells me that she likes my hair...
Sheeni Saunders: You got me expelled.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm sorry, Sheeni.
Sheeni Saunders: Do you realize what life is like for me here? Do you have any idea?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Sheeni, I've been alone my whole life. I know what it's like. Sheeni, I burned down Berkeley for you. I destroyed both of my parents' cars. And I've lied and manipulated and had you sedated, and I did all that so we wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
Sheeni Saunders: You're him, aren't you?
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: I'm him?
Sheeni Saunders: You're my Fran├žois. You're the one I've been looking for.
Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger: Sheeni, I want what you want. I want to live all over the world and have adventures, but I'm not Fran├žois. I'm the guy who saw you and fell in love with you and would do anything for you. That's who I am.

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