Dr. John Becker goes through his daily routine of being a doctor, stopping at his favorite diner, and other various situations, all the while hating life and everything around him.

Bob: Becker, I just had a great idea!
Dr. John Becker: The first one's always exciting, isn't it?
Margaret: So someone finally shot you.
Dr. John Becker: I always thought it would be you, Margaret.
Margaret: So did I.
[Answering machine voice over message]
Jake Malinak: Hi, this is Jake. Please look outside and then into the mirror. If it's dark outside and you're Becker, do me a favor, and go to hell.
Linda: What do you have against the New York City Marathon?
Dr. John Becker: The Marathon just gets my hopes up. At first it seems like 20,000 idiots are leaving the city, but then they just make a big loop and come right back.
Linda: Where have you two been? You know I should never be left in charge!
Dr. John Becker: Romance is like the cheese in the mousetrap - it baits you into position, so the cold, metal bar of reality can come down and snap your neck.
[On the series finale]
Dr. John Becker: I have to check on Mr. Nielsen. You know, I don't see what the problem is. These numbers aren't that bad.
[doing a word association test]
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Dog.
Dr. John Becker: Leave.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Tree.
Dr. John Becker: Me.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Man.
Dr. John Becker: Alone.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Hey!
Dr. John Becker: Why do women always scream when they're surprised? Can't you just clutch your heart and drop dead like a man?
Dr. John Becker: I never told you to shut up.
Mr. Humphries: You hung up on me once.
Dr. John Becker: So I didn't have to tell you to shut up.
Dr. John Becker: The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.
Dr. John Becker: I have this friend... well, we aren't really friends - we just share custody of an ex-wife.
[Bob is trying to get reparations for being 1/64th Native American]
Bob: You people have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against!
Jake Malinak: Yeah, I'm a blind black man, we just SAIL through life.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, I'm so glad to see you!
Bob: That's nice, John.
Dr. John Becker: I was talking to the cigarettes.
[about breasts]
Chris Duff: Why do you think they're here for? For fun? No! They're here to
Chris Duff: get things done!
Dr. John Becker: Just when I think God couldn't screw me any further, he gets out the old Black & Decker and twists a little harder!
Margaret: Interesting; you're being persecuted by a God you don't believe in.
Dr. John Becker: That's why he's after me, Margaret.
Dr. John Becker: If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.
Dr. John Becker: He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was?
Linda: Who?
Dr. John Becker: Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me.
Linda: Oh, when you said young it threw me off.
Margaret: Jake, you've got to see this.
Jake Malinak: I'm blind.
Dr. John Becker: That's the problem with the world, everybody says "Everybody does it," so everybody does it!
[about relaxation tapes]
Dr. John Becker: You'd be surprised how many people give 'em to me for Christmas.
Chris Connor: I'm surprised people give you presents at all.
[Becker is buried up to his neck in fake snow]
Kid: Mommy, I don't like that scary toy. Mean Mister Angry Head
Dr. John Becker: I'm *Doctor* Angry Head.
[Melvin, Vinny's Lawyer asked Margaret a question after she had sworn the truth on the Bible]
Margaret: Was that a real Bible?
[talking to Becker]
Margaret: I'm sorry, John, I have to tell the truth.
Dr. John Becker: [pointing to the jury] You know they can hear you?
[about a patient]
Dr. John Becker: What does he want?
Margaret: To bask in the sunny warmth of your disposition.
Margaret: I have to leave early today.
Dr. John Becker: And leave me alone with Linda?
Dr. John Becker: Did anyone watch the news last night?
Jake Malinak: Well, I don't really...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, stay with me, Jake. So they're doing a story about violence in America. And while they are interviewing a bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states, instead of making guns harder to get, he blames the violence on television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island.
Dr. John Becker: Oh great, no cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.
Jake Malinak: I don't see why you don't just quit, John, they're taking years off your life
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years that you spend just bitching at the world.
Jake Malinak: As opposed to this whole Gandhi thing you've got going on now?
Bob: I was doing some research on the internet...
Dr. John Becker: Must have come as a surprise that it's not all porn, huh?
Bob: One shock at a time.
Mr. Stoler: I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in.
Dr. John Becker: Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!
Mr. Stoler: Don't doctors think they have all the answers?
Dr. John Becker: I *do* have all the answers!
Margaret: Just for today, you are Beth.
Lynda: I don't like the name Beth.
Linda: I do, can I be Beth?
Lynda: I want to be Beth too.
Margaret: You can't both be Beth.
Linda: Why? We're both Linda.
Lynda: Let's pick our own names.
Linda: I want to be Margaret.
Lynda: No, I want to be Margaret.
Margaret: I want to be dead.
[to a patient about his attire]
Dr. John Becker: SpeeDO? Well, SpeeDON'T.
Bob: I thought a man's home was supposed to be his castle.
Jake Malinak: What castle? You lived in your mother's rest home!
Dr. John Becker: I bought pancake tickets. I came to a pancake breakfast. If it has yet to occur to you, I want pancakes.
Linda: Doctor, do you have a problem with these?
Dr. John Becker: [looks at Linda's low-cut top and exposed abdomen] These?
Linda: These clothes? Margaret says that anyone who goes around dressed like this has no self respect. Now I'm not saying I'm the capital of self respect, but I feel pretty good about myself.
[follows John to the restroom and props the door open with her foot]
Linda: I mean, the clothes I wear have no effect on the way I do my job. Sure if I wore a suit of magnets then metal stuff would come flying at me, so I don't. But my point is is that if I had to go out and buy a whole bunch of other stuff well that would cost me a lot and I couldn't do that on what I'm making here. And I'm not asking you for more money, although if you offered it to me I wouldn't turn it down. Wow, I just asked for a raise. Cool!
Dr. John Becker: Wear what you want. No raise. Go away.
[after Margaret had gotten drunk and thought she had sung karaoke]
Linda: Actually, you just grabbed a skinny bald guy around the neck and started screaming into the top of his head.
Dr. John Becker: How would you like if I went to your office and peed on your front steps?
Dr. John Becker: Stupid dog!
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: I hate to break it to you, Becker, but you're normal.
Dr. John Becker: I don't have to listen to this. You know, you've called me alot of things, damaged, neurotic, obstinent, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna listen to you tell me I'm normal. I'm abnormal!
Dr. John Becker: [walks into the diner to find Linda and Margaret sitting at a table] Oh, I'm glad you're here. I was in here last night had an experience that made me realize I might have a small problem with anger.
Margaret: [interrupts] Hah!
Dr. John Becker: I thought about it a lot and I realized that the anger class may have some merit. I'm going to use its techniques to try to change my life completely.
Margaret: [interrupts again] Hah!
Dr. John Becker: Are you going to keep doing that?
Margaret: I don't know yet.
Dr. John Becker: The first step is to call upon my support network, that's all of you
[points to Linda, Margaret, and Jake]
Dr. John Becker: , for your assistance...
[stops and pauses]
Dr. John Becker: The hell with it. I'll try to control myself and you try not to piss me off.
Linda: [pauses] Hah!
Margaret: Well put!
[laughs and leaves the diner with Linda]
Margaret: [on the phone] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
[hangs up the phone and Becker walks in]
Margaret: What did you do?
Dr. John Becker: I don't know.
Annette Johnson: You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not.
Dr. John Becker: Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.
Dr. John Becker: It doesn't matter if you're divorced, married, dating or dead. Once you get involved with a woman, you never stop paying.
Linda: [referring to Bob staying in her apartment] He's just like a stray dog. He follows me around, scratches himself, and he keeps leaving nose prints on my windows.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Doesn't what she did piss you off?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.
Dr. John Becker: Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.
Dr. John Becker: [Hears a knock on the door] Um, I'm sleeping!
Linda: Dr. Becker, it's Linda and I know you're not sleeping because you're talking.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, alright.
[opens the door]
Dr. John Becker: [to Margaret while looking at travel brochures] What were you thinking?
[slaps brochures on counter]
Dr. John Becker: Too hot. Too cold. Too stupid. Mexico? What's the point? In a few weeks, they'll all be up here.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Do you think it would be silly for me to go back to college, now?
Dr. John Becker: No, I think it would silly for us to have this conversation again, ten years from now.
[to Jake]
Bob: You're blind! You can't even enjoy the best parts of sex! You can't see the mirror over the bed, you can't adjust the camcorder... you can't even see your friends cheering you on!
Dr. John Becker: Since when do you wear glasses?
Linda: I don't.
Dr. John Becker: Then what are those?
Linda: They just look good, they don't do anything.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well, you'd be the expert on that.
Bob: It's done with mirrors!
Jake Malinak: Don't screw with me, John. I'm blind and I sell chicklets.
Dr. John Becker: Hey, Hector, how is everything?
Hector Lopez: Well, actually...
Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, I don't really care.
Linda: And you're always doing my laundry.
Bob: Bob is just trying to help out.
Linda: Yeah, but I never get anything back!
Chris Connor: [to Dr. John Becker] There's not a day that goes by that doesn't prove you are emotionally retarded!
Ruth: We need a new strategy.
Dr. John Becker: Does it involve me taking the bailiff's gun and blasting my way out of here?
Ruth: No, that's plan B.
Dr. John Becker: [walking with a pregnant patient to the door] Don't worry about your baby, in a few months you'll be on your back with your legs up in the air, screaming like a banshee.
[turns to go to his office]
Dr. John Becker: Pretty much what got you there in the first place.
Linda: [after getting caught sleeping at the front desk] Ok, here's the thing! I was up all night with my friend who got dumped by her boyfriend.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, and how's that my problem?
Linda: Well I didn't get any sleep. All night long she was crying and sobbing and moaning. The only way I could calm her down was to make her a coffee surprise. That's 2 parts coffee, 1 part Jack Daniels.
Dr. John Becker: What's the surprise?
Linda: It's really 5 parts Jack Daniels.
Linda: [nearly every episode] Here's the thing...
[Becker's patient is Richard Hatch, winner of Survivor: Borneo]
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.
[he and Richard shake hands]
Richard Hatch: Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.
Dr. John Becker: Uh, why don't we just talk first.
Richard Hatch: Okay.
Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?
Richard Hatch: No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?
Richard Hatch: No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...
Dr. John Becker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?
Richard Hatch: Hey, some of the *other* people there ate rats.
Dr. John Becker: Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?
Richard Hatch: It was for "Survivor."
Dr. John Becker: "Survivor?"
Richard Hatch: You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.
Dr. John Becker: Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?
Richard Hatch: Well, I won.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?
Richard Hatch: A million dollars?
Dr. John Becker: Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...
[the scene fades out]
Linda: You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him.
Dr. John Becker: If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive?
[Becker walks into the back]
Linda: [to Margaret] He didn't do it.
[a patient can't open the door]
Dr. John Becker: Door's unlocked right?
Margaret: Yup.
Dr. John Becker: And he still can't get in?
Margaret: Apparently.
Dr. John Becker: I guess I can be a little more tolerant.
Margaret: Oh, come on, you can't possibly be that stupid! If you keep pulling and it isn't working there is only one possible option, press the button and push!
[opens the door and looks to Dr. John Becker]
Margaret: Jackass!
Dr. John Becker: Feels good, doesn't it?
Dr. John Becker: Too many people know where I eat.
Dr. John Becker: [on many episodes] It's about the principle, Margaret!
[Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]
Dr. John Becker: There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?
Linda: Headache, "A" for ache.
Dr. John Becker: Pregnancy?
Dr. John Becker: "B" for baby.
Dr. John Becker: X-ray?
Linda: "C" for see-through.
Judge Reinhold: Dr. Becker, I don't want to hear your voice again. Counsellor, call your next witness.
Ruth: [pointing to Becker] It's him.
Dr. John Becker: I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, it's insane for me to go on smoking.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: They raise the price of cigarettes again?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah. $4.50 a pack!
Dr. John Becker: ...everybody at Harvard used to stand in line for days to get into one of his classes
Bob: Who said Harvard students don't know how to party?
Dr. John Becker: Medicine is not always the best medicine.
Margaret: All these girls can be so dumb! Tanning salons are so bad for you.
Linda: Oh come on, Margaret. You remember what it was like when you needed a quick tan for a big occasion, like the prom.
Margaret: No, Linda, I never needed a quick tan.
Linda: Oh my God, Margaret, I'm so sorry. You didn't go to your prom did you?
Linda: Are you okay?
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, I'm just really pissed off.
Linda: So you're okay.
Dr. John Becker: No! Linda come here and sit down for a second, will ya? The other day Reggie pulled a stunt on me and I want to get even with her. I was just thinking
Dr. John Becker: You're sneaky.
Linda: Yeah.
Dr. John Becker: So how can I get back at her?
Linda: Okay, this is what you do. Open the hood of her car.
Dr. John Becker: [chuckles] Yeah?
Linda: Find the distributor cap. Below that is the master cylinder. Underneath that is the brake line. Cut that. Next thing you know she's doing 70 on the highway without a care in the world and, BAM!
Dr. John Becker: [looks at Linda in fear] You know, Linda. I'm going to think about that tonight and probably every night for the rest of my life.
[exits his office]
Dr. John Becker: I can't believe you don't remember me!
Prof. Fowler: I tell you one thing... you're becoming impossible to forget!
Linda: [Stops looking through the trash can as Dr. Becker walks by] Morning doctor!
Dr. John Becker: Oh yeah, good morning... um.
Linda: Linda.
Dr. John Becker: Right. I knew it was something weird like that.
Linda: I know you said not to talk to you unless it was absolutely necessary, but I just want to say thanks a lot for making me a nurses aid. I never thought I would be a professional anything! And this is way better than sweeping up hair at a beauty salon. Although the fumes from those hair dyes can give you a pretty good buzz! You know, this one time I...
Dr. John Becker: [interrupts] You know if you shut your mouth it keeps the words from just falling out like that.
Linda: I know! I know I talk too much and I'm working on that, but you just don't know what it's like in here!
[pounds on forehead]
Linda: All these thoughts keep flying around and... and I'm sensing a little hostility.
Dr. John Becker: Go with that.
Linda: You mean?
Dr. John Becker: I mean go.
Dr. John Becker: [after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] I will not sit here and be accused of being a bad doctor. I am a damn good doctor.
Judge Reinhold: Doctor Becker, you are out of order!
Dr. John Becker: [turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!
Judge Reinhold: [bangs gavel] All right, Pacino. You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!
Linda: Let's be honest, any world where I have to be the responsible one, I don't want to live in.
Dr. John Becker: What's new, Linda?
Linda: A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.
Dr. John Becker: The flower dress?
Linda: No, worse.
Dr. John Becker: The pants with the gold circles?
Linda: No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.
Dr. John Becker: Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.
[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']
Hector Lopez: All right, people, give me your money!
Jake Malinak: Does he have a gun?
Chris Connor: No.
Jake Malinak: No.
Patient: So, doctor, can you tell me what's wrong with me?
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu.
Patient: I mean, my heads stuffed up, my nose is clogged.
Dr. John Becker: These are all symptoms of the flu.
Patient: My muscles ache, I have no energy.
Dr. John Becker: It's the flu!
Patient: I sweat at night. I think that's why they call them night sweats.
Dr. John Becker: [shouts] It's the flu! Jeez, what's wrong with you?
Patient: I don't know, I think I caught a bug.
Dr. John Becker: [storms out]
Dr. John Becker: [Becker is walking out a patient who has frostbite] Look, writing your name in the snow with your pee is good drunken fun when your name is something like Joe Smith. But, when your name is Stanislav Kasacinski and its ten below out, you're just frostbite waiting to happen.
Alexei: Reggie is very much hot broad.
Dr. John Becker: Uh-Linda?
Linda, Lynda: Yes?
Dr. John Becker: I meant Linda.
Linda, Lynda: Yes?
Margaret: You're both named Linda?
Linda, Lynda: Yes.
Dr. John Becker: I just had that creepy feeling I had in medical school watching the cell divide.
Margaret: [on the phone] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
[hangs up the phone and Becker walks in]
Margaret: What did you do?
Becker: I don't know.
Bob: I was having that dream we all have, you know? The one where you're making love to a beautiful woman and all of a sudden her legs turn into scissors?
Linda: OK Here's the thing...
Dr. John Becker: Aw come on Linda, no THINGS!
Margaret: [Referring to a gift to Linda from Bob] Aren't you going to open it?
Linda: I'm afraid to.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Don't bother. It's a leopard thong.
Linda: How do you know?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: First gift?
Linda: Yeah.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Leopard thong.
Linda: Oh, come on. Do you really think he would...
[pauses to peek inside of the box]
Linda: Ok, let's say he did.
Bob: I think we have a lot in common. I'm not wearing a bra either.
Jake Malinak: [Looks in Linda's direction] Please tell me he's talking to you.
Linda: You know, I don't like that kind of talk.
Linda: Well, I do but not from you!
Bob: [to Jake] Hey LensCrafter...!
Margaret: [after bailing John out of jail] His temper finally got him into real trouble. He was arrested this morning.
Linda: No!
Margaret: For assaulting two police officers.
Linda: No!
Margaret: The judge sentenced him to anger management.
Linda: Great!
[receives a dirty look from John]
Linda: I mean no!
Dr. John Becker: Did you ever hear me say that?
Margaret: No, but it certainly sounds like you!
Margaret: I don't like to lie. It's wrong.
Dr. John Becker: Says who?
Margaret: The Lord!
Dr. John Becker: The Lord? Margaret, this is the Bronx. Believe me, he's not here.
[Linda stands up with a post-it note stuck on her forehead]
Linda: I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.
Dr. John Becker: Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, it's like you read my mind.
Dr. John Becker: Some are easier than others.
[Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]
Linda: I have a message for you.
Margaret: Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda: Wow, you people are freaky.
[Linda goes in the back]
Dr. John Becker: I won't tell her if you won't tell her.
Melvin: And when you say Dr. Becker, who are you referring too?
Vinny Deluca: [points to Becker] That man there.
[courtroom gasps]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, come on, who didn't know that already?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: I don't have a license to sell alcohol.
Dr. John Becker: You don't have a license to sell rat hair, either, but that never stopped you.
Dr. John Becker: Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Its a rubber band.
Dr. John Becker: Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it everytime I feel angry.
Jake Malinak: Won't that make you more angry?
Dr. John Becker: Shut up.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.
Patient: [guest star Mary Steenburgen] You arrogant bastard, if I say I know the Roosevelts, I know the Roosevelts.
[leaves the office]
Dr. John Becker: I pity the poor bastard who's married to her.
[Mary Steenburgen is Ted Danson's real-life wife]
[to Liz]
Dr. John Becker: All right, I'm sorry.
[Reggie gasps]
Dr. John Becker: Oh, shut up.
Linda: [after John and Linda get in trouble for giving a sex talk to children] Look, you may think your kids are too young for this stuff but, believe me, they're just one Britney Spears video away from a whole new world.
Maureen: [holds out her hand] ATM card?
Linda: Oh! Yeah, I forgot.
[hands Maureen the card and begins to walk away]
Maureen: Pin number, hello!
Linda: Oh! Sorry, it's really easy to remember. You take the number of letters in Linda, that's 5. Then you subtract 3, that's the number of fingers my ex-boyfriend has on his left hand. Then you add the number of kids my Uncle Frank has, that's 8. Then you subtract the number of planets in the Solar System, that's 12.
Maureen: [interrupts] There are 9 planets.
Linda: Really?
[starts counting on her fingers]
Linda: Oh well, you're just going to have to remember it. It's 1-2-3-4-5.
Maureen: Freak!
[exits the office]
[Reggie's diner has been robbed]
Dr. John Becker: Well, maybe this is a good sign. I mean, who would want to rob this place? Maybe they've finally run out of places to rob, and crime will finally stop in New York. I mean, were could they possibly rob next?
Dr. John Becker: Oh, dear God, my apartment!
Chris Connor: You told Tony I was gay so he wouldn't be interested in me. Then you told me Tony was gay so I wouldn't be interested in him.
Dr. John Becker: Do you think I would be capable of that?
Chris Connor: You made up a sister named Pepper Becker!
Dr. John Becker: Look, someone in your department shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood and threw everyone out into the street. Now I'm here because I want something done about it!
Deputy Secretary: Wow. You sound pretty upset.
Dr. John Becker: Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround.
Deputy Secretary: Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that.
Dr. John Becker: At least you see that.
Deputy Secretary: Well of course I do!
Dr. John Becker: Then you'll help me?
Deputy Secretary: Oh dear no.
Dr. John Becker: ...Well, maybe you didn't understand me...
Deputy Secretary: No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action.
Dr. John Becker: Exactly!
Deputy Secretary: It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! What was that, righteous indignation? I used to feel like that when I first started working here forty-two years ago.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well - you've been in this office forty-two years?
Deputy Secretary: Yeah. Same desk, same fake plant, same window. Doesn't open. None of them do. Otherwise we'd all jump out. But you were saying?
Dr. John Becker: Look, I told you! Either reopen the facility, or make some arrangements to take care of these people!
Deputy Secretary: And I told you, I can't help.
Dr. John Becker: But you're the deputy secretary of social services!
Deputy Secretary: It's just a title.
Dr. John Becker: Dammit! Look, listen - you're in charge here, you're responsible, you work for the city!
Deputy Secretary: You're not listening! I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why: there is no money! There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water and crappy schools which will turn out another generation of voters too stupid and greedy to care about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem, because there's not a DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!... Where did that come from?
Linda: [answers the phone] Doctor's office?
Linda: Yeah, this is a bakery that's why I said doctor's office.
[slams the receiver down and turns to Margaret]
Linda: Is the world full of stupid people or is it just me?
Margaret: It's just you.
Linda: Dr. Becker, do you have a minute?
Dr. John Becker: No, I definitely don't.
Linda: Well this won't take but a minute. This friend of mine got a tattoo of her boyfriend's name and since they broke up she was wondering if you knew anyone who could remove it for her.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah I have a name for you, but what kind of idiot meets a guy in a bar and two minutes later tattoos his name on her ass?
Linda: Well, technically it's my lower back.
[Gasps and quickly walks away from John]
Linda: Hey, if you really have no place to live you can stay with me.
Bob: Excuse me?
Linda: I have plenty of room at my place.
Margaret: Excuse me!
Linda: Stay as long as you like.
Bob: Wow, thanks! Look we'll iron out the details later, but first Bob's gotta go to the can.
[grabs a magazine and begins to walk into the restroom]
Linda: Um, that's a ladies room.
Bob: Not for the next 20 minutes!
Margaret: Linda, I know you have a big heart but are you sure this is a good idea?
Linda: You're the one who's always telling me to help the needy.
Margaret: Yes, but...
Linda: [interrupts] And isn't Bob needy?
Margaret: Oh yes, but...
Linda: [interrupts] And isn't that what Christianity is all about?
Margaret: [pauses] Christ never met Bob.
[he's getting a ticket for jay-walking]
Bob: What? You want to see my "walker's license?" What are you going to do? Impound my shoes?
Jake Malinak: Wait a minute, this guy's really good-looking, isn't he?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: I could lick his face like a Dove bar.
Linda: [after John finds a stray cat in his office] Oh look, a kitty! When I was little I had a cat just like this. He was the cutest thing I ever saw until he took a nap in the dryer. He was never quite the same after that.
Dr. John Becker: Margaret, I don't care what you do. Take it to the woods, put it out on the street, I don't care. Just get rid of it.
Margaret: Just to be clear, we are talking about the cat?
Linda: Someday you'll look back on this and laugh.
Dr. John Becker: Maybe I will. But before then, I will kill you. And then I'll use my powers as a physician to bring you back to life. And then, I will kill you again.
Mr. Humphries: Tonight, I want you to read this.
Dr. John Becker: "10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!
Mr. Humphries: My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.
Dr. John Becker: "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Mr. Humphries: It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.
Dr. John Becker: We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!
Mr. Humphries: The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?
Dr. John Becker: No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!

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