CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Quotes

An elite team of police forensic evidence investigation experts work their cases in Las Vegas.

Greg Sanders: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Swab one down, run it through CODIS, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.
Catherine Willows: Hey, you.
Warrick Brown: Hey.
Catherine Willows: How uh... are you holding up?
Warrick Brown: I'm fine.
Catherine Willows: You sure?
Warrick Brown: Yeah.
Catherine Willows: ...you're in the women's bathroom.
[liquid from the trunk of a car containing two corpses splashes up onto Greg's face and into his mouth]
Sara Sidle: Technically, that makes you a cannibal. Grissom would be proud.
Greg Sanders: Grissom would have tasted it on purpose.
Greg Sanders: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.
Gil Grissom: All play and no work makes Greg an UNEMPLOYED boy.
Gil Grissom: So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?
Greg Sanders: Weird, ha?
Gil Grissom: Well, I race cockroaches!
Greg Sanders: I, am a genius.
Warrick Brown: Let me guess, you ran the DNA and got a hit?
Greg Sanders: No.
Gil Grissom: You ran the DNA and something distinctive came up?
Greg Sanders: No.
Warrick Brown: You rolled out of bed and managed to dress yourself?
Greg Sanders: No.
[Looking for clues in a messy trailer]
Nick Stokes: People are pigs.
Gil Grissom: Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean.
Warrick Brown: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Gil Grissom: The winner?
[identifying an insect at a crime scene]
Gil Grissom: Dermastidae masculatus.
Sara Sidle: That's Latin for "You're hiding a dead body."
Catherine Willows: We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?
Gil Grissom: Well, unless I get these evaluations in, I'll be written up.
Catherine Willows: My goals... all right, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.
Gil Grissom: You don't have a personal life?
Catherine Willows: Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months.
Gil Grissom: How can I help?
[Her eyes widen]
Gil Grissom: You. Advance, I mean.
Zach: You know how it is, you look like you were a jock in college.
Greg Sanders: Me?
Sara Sidle: Him?
Nick Stokes: [Greg opens a cupboard and pulls out a book] I thought that's where you kept your porn.
Greg Sanders: I move it around.
[Grissom admits to a mistake]
Gil Grissom: What?
Nick Stokes: Well, it's just that most people don't admit to being wrong.
Gil Grissom: I'm wrong all the time. It's how I get to "right".
[after telling Grissom something that Grissom already knows]
Greg Sanders: I guess I should stop trying to impress you.
Gil Grissom: That would impress me.
Gil Grissom: I just got a page from James Watson.
Nick Stokes: And I got one from Francis Crick. What's going on, Greg?
Greg Sanders: Well, as you both know, Watson and Crick are the granddaddies of DNA. Without their discoveries, I'd have nothing to do all day.
Nick Stokes: What have you been doing all day?
Catherine Willows: You know how you're always pushing that holy trinity stuff?
Gil Grissom: Father, Son and Holy Ghost?
Catherine Willows: Victim, suspect, crime scene.
Gil Grissom: That one, huh?
Gil Grissom: Sometimes I can be a little thoughtless.
Catherine Willows: I wouldn't say that. Not just any guy would walk a girl to the morgue.
Gil Grissom: I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.
Captain Jim Brass: Sound familiar?
Nick Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.
Gil Grissom: Yeah, and they all come to Vegas.
Sara Sidle: Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...
Gil Grissom: Priceless.
Nick Stokes: Well, it takes 10 minutes to drive from the clinic to Industrial Road.
Warrick Brown: Yeah?
Nick Stokes: Yeah, I had Greg run it.
Warrick Brown: [laughing] That's classic!
Captain Jim Brass: [an accused perp bends over to be searched] You better save that position for later, you'll need it where you're going.
Greg Sanders: Bringing back a semen sample... I analyzed this and found your DNA.
Nick Stokes: That was quick.
Greg Sanders: No jokes about my being fast in this department.
Nick Stokes: Hah.
[Later in the lab]
Sara Sidle: You made my pickle into a light bulb?
Catherine Willows: If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't.
Grissom: "The evil men do always lives after them. The good is often interred with their bones."
Warrick Brown: Shakespeare?
Grissom: [nods] Julius Caesar.
[Grissom walks by the lab where Greg is playing music]
Gil Grissom: Hey, Sanders, no punk rock.
Greg Sanders: What about Black Flag?
Gil Grissom: Are you nuts?
Captain Jim Brass: Let me put it this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.
Dr. Al Robbins: Hand me that foot, would you?
Catherine Willows: Never doubt. Never look back. That's how I live my life.
Gil Grissom: I admire that.
Catherine Willows: So, any luck with the blood and hair samples I gave you?
Greg Sanders: Don't insult me. Luck is only for those without skill.
Catherine Willows: Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.
Greg Sanders: Sad, but true.
Gil Grissom: [to Hodges] So you're saying our killer had metal balls?
[talking to a suspect about a broken mirror at the crime scene]
Sara Sidle: You know that's seven years bad luck.
Captain Jim Brass: More like seven to ten.
Sara Sidle: Dead body! Bonus.
[to Grissom upon seeing a bug]
Catherine Willows: Hey, look at that. Your six-legged soul mate.
Gil Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who go into a bar?
Catherine Willows: I'm not in the mood.
Gil Grissom: Neither was the monkey.
[in the autopsy room, looking over fragmented bones]
Dr. Al Robbins: You want a breast or a thigh?
Catherine Willows: It's your kitchen.
Captain Jim Brass: Hey, look what I found: a knife with blood on it.
Gil Grissom: Hey, look what I found: dead guy.
Nick Stokes: You need to get a girlfriend.
David Phillips: I'm engaged, but thank you.
[about an elastic plastic]
Gil Grissom: What's it found in?
Hodges: Greg-Sanders-wear.
Greg Sanders: For the record, I really like having a penis.
Catherine Willows: What kind of perverse game are you playing here, Gil?
Gil Grissom: I'm not a pervert.
Greg Sanders: [about orthodontia] I had it all - palate expander, braces, retainer, headgear. Five years of torture, but worth every penny, don't you think?
Catherine Willows: [looking at a surveillance video of a teenage boy in an elevator] You crack this kid's head open, all that would come out would be T&A.
Greg Sanders: I think you said that about me once.
Catherine Willows: Actually, more than once.
[after Greg kicks him out of the lab]
Warrick Brown: Did you take your medication today?
Captain Jim Brass: What can't you put your finger on, apart from the cut off switch?
Greg Sanders: Hey Catherine, you think Sara would go to dinner with me?
Catherine Willows: Sure, as long as you don't tell her it's a date.
Warrick Brown: You just don't let up, do you?
Sara Sidle: It's a flaw.
Gil Grissom: Amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room.
Catherine Willows: Lovers and co-workers, that never works.
Greg Sanders: I had to send this to an outside lab since we're not equipped to carry out bacterial DNA analysis. Hint, hint.
Nick Stokes: Mrs Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?
Amy Hendler: Yes.
[points gun at Nick]
Amy Hendler: That's what I killed her with.
Greg Sanders: [about Sara] You want a valium for her?
Sara Sidle: I heard that!
Gil Grissom: Ok, we're going off the board tonight.
Sara Sidle: Off the board?
Catherine Willows: Fish. The ones that got away.
Sara Sidle: Oh. I missed that one.
Catherine Willows: What's up, David? You find something?
David Phillips: I was just thinking that I wouldn't be caught dead in those shorts.
[Cath stares at the body of her deceased ex-husband]
Dr. Al Robbins: Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room.
Sara Sidle: Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?
Catherine Willows: The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility it might come true. And when you lose that possibility it just... kinda... sucks.
Gil Grissom: I tend not to believe people; they lie. The evidence never lies.
Gil Grissom: There is always a clue.
[to Warrick]
Catherine Willows: Whatever you say, Superfly.
Hodges: I didn't page you.
Nick Stokes: No. I just figured I'd come by.
Hodges: You're checking up on me again.
Nick Stokes: No, I'm checking up on my evidence.
Hodges: Do you think if you hover the FTIR will work faster?
Nick Stokes: Yes, Hodges, that's what I think.
Sara Sidle: So what is it?
Hodges: Give me some time, I'm not a miracle worker.
Sara Sidle: Well, that's obvious, Hodges, or else you wouldn't be rude.
Hodges: I wasn't being rude, I was being curt. Rude would be "When I know, you'll know." Friends?
Sara Sidle: No.
Nick Stokes: [Archie was talking to Nick about a Star Trek episode] You need a girlfriend.
Archie: You first.
[suspect shows Cath a picture of a guy]
Suspect: I have THIS guy keeping me at home.
Catherine Willows: Ahhh, did you get that picture from your wallet? I mean, when you bought it?
Hodges: "Thank you Hodges for performing that incredibly elaborate test requiring copious concentration and an advanced degree."
Gil Grissom: Are we paying you by the word?
Gil Grissom: What you do on your time is your business. What you do on my time is my business.
Gil Grissom: Where's your enthusiasm?
Greg Sanders: Whenever I find a match in here, my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.
Gil Grissom: Out there means a pay cut.
Greg Sanders: I'm not about the money.
Gil Grissom: I'm sorry, you look lost
Sheriff Rory Atwater: I've been calling your cell.
Gil Grissom: We get bad reception here in CSI. Listen, if this is about dinner, I'm free next week. I'll be having the fish.
[Nick has offered to make a bet on a case]
Warrick Brown: I don't get out of bed for less than a bill.
[Sara storms in, obviously angry]
Sara Sidle: You weren't in your office.
Gil Grissom: And good morning to you too, Miss Sidle.
Catherine Willows: [to Grissom] What would you do without me?
Gil Grissom: My bugs are my babies, my children.
Gil Grissom: No victim can ever say we didn't try.
Dr. Al Robbins: I'll know more later.
Gil Grissom: You always tell me that.
Dr. Al Robbins: Yes, I do.
Nick Stokes: Is there anything you won't bet on, man?
Warrick Brown: Nah.
Gil Grissom: The rich are just as depraved as the poor.
Catherine Willows: How old were you when your father died?
Gil Grissom: Nine.
Catherine Willows: Little guy.
Sara Sidle: I think this print dust is getting to me. Would you mind finishing up the fridge?
Greg Sanders: Do I get a gold star?
Warrick Brown: Was that a confession?
Gil Grissom: I think a plea of insanity.
[after Gil Grissom lights up a pickle in the lab]
Gil Grissom: You know this is how I cooked my hot dogs in college.
Captain Jim Brass: What are you doing after work?
Gil Grissom: More work.
Dr. Al Robbins: He's been pretty worked over. How many teeth did you find at the crime scene?
Grissom: Two.
Dr. Al Robbins: He's missing six.
Gil Grissom: Maestro, what's the deal with our floater?
[shouts over the music]
Gil Grissom: Professor! What's up with our floater?
[to a recalcitrant suspect]
Captain Jim Brass: Newsflash. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.
Sara Sidle: I was really into gold stars when I was a kid.
Greg Sanders: As opposed to now?
Captain Jim Brass: Our friend Tony just checked into the hotel. Didn't even unpack his bags.
Grissom: He made enemies fast.
Nick Stokes: You don't have a career without a job.

Popular TV Shows view all

Game of Thrones Breaking Bad The Wire Sherlock Rick and Morty Ash vs Evil Dead True Detective The Sopranos Leyla ile Mecnun Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Avatar: The Last Airbender Narcos