Dharma & Greg Quotes

There could hardly be an odder match, but love knows no reason- assistant DA Greg Montgomery, the golden spoon son of successful businessman Edward Montgomery and his bossy spouse Kitty, ... See full summary »

Dharma: [answering Greg's cell phone, after having slept with Greg] Greg's pants. He's not in them right now.

Dharma: Silly, you don't sleep in the rain, you make love in the rain!
Greg: Ahhh!
[pause]
Greg: What if there's lightning?
Dharma: Then *you* get to be on top!

Dharma: Welcome to the Pompous Room. May I check Madame's pole, or will she be keeping it up her butt?

Greg: What do you think?
Dharma: Well, I think that one of us should go talk to your Dad, and I think you should go talk to your Mom.
Greg: I know what you just did.
Dharma: Me too! Go with God!

Dharma: [about running opponent Karen Love] It's her name. I mean, how can you *not* vote for "care and love"? Guess I might as well change my name to "lower taxes and free balloons for all the kids."

Larry: Hey, Kitty saw me naked.
Dharma: Me too.
[they high five]

Dharma: George! I'm so glad to see you! How are you?
George: Still dead, otherwise good.

Jane Deaux: What's that? It smells like you're frying vomit!
Dharma: Close. I'm making a great big pot of Haggis
Jane Deaux: What have you been drinking?
Dharma: Scotch! Which was invented by the great Scotsman, Angus McBarf when his wife told him what was for dinner.

Edward Montgomery: [drinking Martinis naked] Ball and chain has gone away, doo-dah, doo-dah. Drink Martinis Naked day. Dah-di-doo-dah-day!

Greg: What's in the pipe, Larry?

Dharma: [to Greg] Who sprinkled YOU with horny dust this morning?

Kitty: Come Edward, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
Edward Montgomery: I hope his name is Johnny Walker.
Kitty: It's the archbishop.
Edward Montgomery: I hope it's Archbishop Johnny Walker.

Dharma: You're gonna be a great Dad!
Greg: How do you know? How am I gonna know what to do?
Dharma: Oh, you'll watch what I do. You'll totally disapprove and do the complete opposite.

Greg: Justice Department
Treasury Officer: Treasury Department
Dharma: San Francisco Library
Jane Deaux: Organ Donor

Dharma: Honey, are you OK?
Greg: I'm fine. I'm just lying here trying to decide whether your father is a hole surrounded by ass.

Kitty: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be *me*.

Greg: What are you doing?
Dharma: Wait a second, can you see me?
Greg: Yes.
Dharma: Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.

Dharma: One time when I was babysitting your monkey, I took him to a fancy party without telling you.
Jane Deaux: Is that where he started smoking again?
Dharma: MmmHmm...
Jane Deaux: Do you know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey?

[Larry is being taken to the hospital]
Kitty: Take my dress. It has magical powers.

Dharma: ...but that doesn't change the fact that we have no money.
Marci: Maybe not, but we've got love.
Dharma: Well, I could try to pay the phone bill with love, but I think it's a felony.
Marci: Actually, prostitution is only a misdemeanor.
Dharma: Great, that takes care of the phone bill!

Greg: [to Dharma] I wouldn't want our marriage to get in the way of your dating.

Greg: Were you this sarcastic before we met or is this something I have done?
Dharma: A little you, a little your mother.

Dharma: [standing on the roof with a news helicopter overhead] I celebrate nature's awakening from her winter slumber! This is my dance to the spring!
[takes her robe off]
Greg: [watching the news downstairs]
[yells]
Greg: Dharmaaaaaaaa!
[runs out]
TV News Reporter: [from the TV] My God, I *love* this job!

Kitty: What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!
Dharma: See, that's what I thought!

Dharma: Your mother is a lusty volcano waiting to erupt!
Greg: Okay, we have to establish some ground rules here. We never use the words mother, lusty and erupt in the same sentence.

Dharma: George, have I changed?
George: I don't know, but you could have mentioned that you moved. I scared the hell out of some skinny guy in the shower!

Greg: [marches with Pete, Larry, and Edward down a hallway like astronauts while triumphant music plays in the background]
[music stops]
Greg: What the hell are we doing?

Greg: You wanna have children?
Dharma: Yeah, unless you wanna have 'em!

Kitty: You want to save the duck, you need to save the lake. You want to save the lake, you need to raise money. You want to raise money, you need to find some ninny to be man of the year.

Greg: *I* went to boarding school, it's not the worst thing in the world!
Dharma: Excuse me! Aren't you the person who said that boarding school is the worst thing in the world?

Greg: [while Abby is dealing tarot cards] Can we just get this over with? Hit me.
Dharma: [looks at the card] *Death*!
Greg: Hit me again.
Abigail Kathleen 'Abby' O'Neil: Now, Dharma, "death" doesn't always mean death. Sometimes it just means a change is coming.
Greg: Yeah! Like a haircut.
Dharma: [yells] I didn't dream you died in a fiery haircut!

Greg: [looking at the horrible Thanksgiving meal that Kitty prepared] My mother cooked. In what *universe* does my mother cook?

Doctor: She had a tatoo of Lindy landing in Paris on her back. If she moved certain muscles just right, she could get the wheels off the ground.

Dharma: [while searching through their dead neighbor's belongings] Aha! See? Unfinished business!
Greg: [looks at the piece of paper] She's tethered to this earthly plane because she didn't pick up her dry-cleaning?
Dharma: *You* would be.

Greg: Come on,Mother, do you really think Dad enjoyed sitting on a blanket in the park watching Othello?
Kitty: He cried.
Greg: That's because you ran out of wine.

Dharma: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah! Here, have some cake.