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Film star Vince Chase navigates the vapid terrain of Los Angeles with a close circle of friends and his trusty agent.
Ari Gold: I didn't go to the Lakers game because they were playing the fucking Bobcats. And I came here today because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate, how to answer a question without a question, basic Humanity 101, which I thought, given your wall of fucking diplomas, you could easily fix, or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me? I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we're clear, I don't care about ANY of them. They're all just a number, like wife number one and therapist number seven. GOOD DAY!
Ari Gold: Let's hug it out, bitch.
Ari Gold: Lloyd, do you have Vince? Lloyd: No, I have Drama, and he says he's been authorized to tell you that Vince will not speak to you until he, Drama, has a job. Ari Gold: Really? Lloyd: Really. Ari Gold: Really? [storms out of his office and into a conference] Ari Gold: People. staff meeting has been canceled. You all have one goal today, to get Vincent Chase's brother, Johnny Chase, a job. Any job. I don't care if it's a porn shoot in which he is being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverbacked apes; if there are cameras rolling, everybody wins. Ten grand to anyone who can deliver this to me, TODAY.
Ari Gold: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!
Turtle: This is where you should be living, Vince. In a kingdom, like a prince. Eric: Don't you mean in a kingdom like a king, you idiot? Vince: Nah, E. Everyone wants to kill the king. But the prince, he just sails along telling all the ladies, "One day I'm gonna be king."
[repeated line] Ari Gold: Lloyd!
Ari Gold: I'll beat that old fuck and throw him in the pool! [to his young kids] Ari Gold: Only Daddy speaks that way.
Johnny Drama: If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I'd take in the ass for an Oscar. Turtle: You'd take in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.
Ari Gold: Where the fuck is Peter Cole's office? Right here? [Ari storms into the room] Ari Gold: James Cameron is directing "Aquaman"? Surprised Kid: That's great! That's awesome! Ari Gold: That's "awesome," huh? You didn't think to bring it up in the fucking staff meeting? An e-mail? A yellow fucking sticky-something? Surprised Kid: I... I didn't know I was supposed to know that kind of stuff. Ari Gold: Well, what is it you're supposed to know, do you think? What the fuck do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to fuck Mischa Barton? Surprised Kid: I didn't... I didn't think... Ari Gold: Let me tell you something. You don't have to say anything, you know why? Cause you pick up all your stuff, because you're mother-fucking fired! [Ari storms out] CAA Assistant: What happened? Surprised Kid: I don't know. I came in to drop off Peter's mail and Mr. Gold fired me. My life is over!
Ari Gold: Tell Drama he's on my to-do list right after inserting needles in my cock!
Eric: We had breakup-sex, all right? Johnny Drama: Breakup-sex? Never heard of it. Eric: Yeah, I mean... you know... you have sex and... that's it - you say goodbye. Johnny Drama: [pauses to think] That's the only kinda sex I have.
Turtle: [looking towards the Pacific Ocean] What direction is that? Johnny Drama: That's east, you idiot. Eric: It's west, idiot. [long pause] Johnny Drama: Well... I mean, in NY it's east.
Ari's Wife: What's in the bag? Ari Gold: A kilo of blow. What's with all the fucking questions?
Ari Gold: From now on, ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants. Eric: How'd you know that? Ari Gold: 'Cause I know all, and I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta fire her so you don't feel weird. Eric: No. Don't fire her. Ari Gold: All right. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits.
Ari Gold: I thought you already were his manager, because believe me, I would not put up with this much shit from anyone who wasn't. Eric: Yeah, I know I am, but I want to do it for real, you know? I want to have the conversation, lock it in. Ari Gold: So you come to me for advice. I'm gonna fucking cry. All right, here's what you do. You deal with talent the same way that you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more then you need them. Eric: He doesn't need me that much. Ari Gold: Of course he doesn't need you. You're fucking worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That's not the point. Eric: Then what is the point, Ari? Ari Gold: The point is that he is an insecure fuck, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty, baby. You know it. Now you just gotta be thankful and wear the crown.
Ari Gold: [to his wife] You can have it if you want to live in Agoura fucking Hills and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday!
Terence: [about to fire Ari after discovering his attempted coup] People! We have a traitor in our midst. Let this be a lesson to all of you. Ari Gold: You're making a very big mistake, Terrence. Terence: Oh, that's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973. He was the first conspirator I ever dealt with. Try finding him now, Ari, he's selling auto insurance in Reseda. Ari Gold: Ok, people. Most of you are sitting there, and you're looking at this good-looking old man, and you're wondering, "Who the FUCK is he?" and you know what, that's exactly what you should be doing. You all know who's been running this company for the past eight years. And you know that when I go, in no time, you will be repping nobodys like Bill from The Apprentice. No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important rules will apply: to make everyone on the ground floor rich, and to burn this motherfucking place to the ground. Lloyd, are you with me? [Lloyd says nothing. For the first time, Ari's cocky demeanor falters] Ari Gold: Lloyd, what are you doing? You and me, we have a special bond. Come on. Lloyd: Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation Ari Gold: I can't swear to that, but I promise that I will always apologize after.
Ari Gold: That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.
[checking out Eric's new office, which consists of a card table and a chair] Johnny Drama: Nothing personal, E, but this doesn't exactly say, "I'm Vincent Chase's manager." Turtle: Yeah, it says, "I'm *Johnny* Chase's manager."
Ari Gold: [leaves his office] Where am I going? Emily: Ari, you're twenty minutes late already. Ari, I need to talk to you about something. Ari Gold: Walk with me. Emily: [starts walking] Vince and the guys are going to a party at Josh Weinstein's. Ari Gold: Who's Josh Weinstein? Emily: Are you joking? He's your old assistant. Ari Gold: I have *many* old assistants. Emily: All right, two before me. Before Jackie, after Jerod. Ari Gold: Ah-ha, my "J" phase. I think I fired him for stealing pens. Why do I care about Josh? Emily: Well, now he's an agent at Triad. And he's the one who gave the boys Queens Boulevard. [Ari spins around and starts back to his office] Ari Gold: That's why no more guys! You fire a guy, you create a rival. You fire a woman, you create a housewife. Emily: That's sweet. You're still late. Ari Gold: Hold all my calls. And get Mini-Vince on the phone.
[Adam Davies reveals himself to be the traitor within Ari's coup d'état] Adam Davies: You should be a nicer person. Maybe then people wouldn't fuck you. Ari Gold: You talked, Davies? [Davies turns to leave] Ari Gold: Hey, Adam. Adam Davies: Yeah, Ari? Ari Gold: Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story.
Ari Gold: Call me Helen Keller because I'm a fucking miracle worker!
Ari Gold: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.
Ari Gold: [Ari doesn't want Vince to do Queens Blvd] You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box? Eric: Well, if anybody could do it, Vince could. Vince: I do have great balance.
Ari Gold: In this envelope, there are the names of eight agents. If anyone catches you, eat it. Nod if you understand me. Lloyd: I understand. Ari Gold: You can't just fucking nod? Lloyd, I want you to... to swear your undying loyalty to me. Lloyd: Ari... Ari Gold: Listen to me, Lloyd. Do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge. Lloyd: I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari. Ari Gold: Good. Now, I want you to go to each of these agents discreetly and say the words "tsetse fly". Say nothing else. Now go. Lloyd: Ari, are you leaving the agency...? Ari Gold: Silence is fucking golden, Lloyd.
Lloyd: According to my widget it's 98 degrees. Ari Gold: What the fuck is a widget!
Ari Gold: Just know that today, Lloyd, your love of cock is a huge asset to this company.
Vince: Johnny Depp's got the kind of career I want. Eric: Johhny Depp did "Pirates of the Caribbean". And if I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckling costume and carried a sword. Turtle: Yeah, but he already dresses like that in real life, though.
Ari Gold: [answering "emergency" phone call from Eric] There better be a SCUD missile headed towards L.A, Eric. Eric: No, Ari, it's a fucking iceberg. Ari Gold: What are you talking about? Eric: James Cameron's directing Aquaman. Ari Gold: Bullshit. Where'd you hear that, Friendster? Eric: Josh Weinstein, asshole. Now, why don't you get your hand off your dick and go call somebody.
Ari Gold: Tsetse fly.
Turtle: Who the fuck wants a hand job?
Ari Gold: Smoke more weed, Turtle. Seriously, smoke more weed.
Ari Gold: [after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife] I'm ready to go here, all right? It's like R. Kelly at recess. Honey, honey, what are you doing? Are you kidding me? Baby!
Ari Gold: Silence is fucking golden.
Ari Gold: What the fuck are you wearing? Lloyd: I'm trying out new looks! This one's my Andre 3000. You like? Ari Gold: No, I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple fucking axle over the phone and try calling Cameron again?
[Ari is about to leave his kid's birthday party for business reasons] Ari's Wife: Where are you going? Ari Gold: They flew in the liver, and I gotta do the transplant.
Justine Chapin: [Justine and Vince are flirting in a club] You're gonna have to work for it. Vince: I got into this business so I wouldn't have to work.
Turtle: Jesus Christ, Ari Gold. You just got demoted to Silver.
Ari Gold: Dana, I have never cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife. But if you want to jerk me in the car now, I'm game.
Ari Gold: Got Milf?
Shauna: It's like prom; you get your date a corsage and she gives you a hand job. Turtle: Who the fuck wants a hand job?
Lloyd: Are you hiding something from me, Ari? Ari Gold: Only my cock and my asshole, Lloyd.
Ari Gold: Emily! I want you to go to that party on Saturday, represent the agency, let Vince know that my army's everywhere. Emily: Ari, I really don't want to get in the middle of this. Ari Gold: You are in the middle of this whether you like it or not, okay? You want to be a hero? You want a medal, or are you a coward? [Emily looks away] Ari Gold: Knock off the hippie shit, strap on a helmet, and start shooting. This is Malibu, Emily, I want you to storm that beach like it's fucking Normandy!
Eric: We gotta get Cameron to see "Queens Boulevard." Ari Gold: You haven't even seen it yet! Eric: I saw the scenes that Vince looped today. They looked amazing. Ari Gold: Great. So you want me to get the biggest director in the game to see some low-budget indie flick that you think is amazing based on some out-of-context scenes from a looping stage.
[Ari's daughter is practicing for her bat mitzvah] Ari Gold: Is it me or is her voice getting worse? Ari's Wife: Ari! Ari Gold: It doesn't mean that I don't love her, but she's just awful, baby!
Johnny Drama: [at the home of a Hollywood "madam" and her girls] Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your dick in.
Jake Steinberg: Hi Mr. Gold, I'm Jake Steinberg. HR sent me up to replace your last assistant. Ari Gold: I don't care. Get me Eddie Kapowski on the phone. Jake Steinberg: Any relation to Kelly Kapowski? You know, "Saved by the Bell"? Ari Gold: You're finished. Go. You're fucking fired.
Ari Gold: It's like high school, E. You can't fuck the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers.
Ari Gold: The next one after "Queens Boulevard" is a studio picture: I'm talking franchise, baby. We'll get you the lunchbox. And an action figure with a monster cock. Vincent Chase: It's definitely tempting. Ari Gold: I love you!
[repeated line] Ari Gold: Shut the fuck up, Lloyd!
Johnny Drama: [following Mandy Moore] Too many times, Turtle. Too many times.
Turtle: I thought he quit? Johnny Drama: Cigarettes, not pussy.
Turtle: He's fuckin' a guy, you're gettin' asked out like a little bitch, I'd say it's a very big deal.
Johnny Drama: North of Ventura Boulevard is hell's waiting room.
Turtle: Don't talk to us like we're adopted, bro.
Vince: [talking to Eric at a Hollywood party] Look at where we are. Did you ever think we'd have this?
Vincent Chase: It's not about the awards. If it's good, I'll do it.
Johnny Drama: I've been working steady for the past twelve years, minus the last three.
Johnny Drama: His tears will basically act as the lubricant.