Father Ted Quotes
Crazy sitcom about 3 priests and their housekeeper who live on Craggy Island, not the peaceful and quiet part of Ireland it seems!
Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh Feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?
Father Ted: [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh Feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?
Father Ted: [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
Father Ted: [in the department store] Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
Father Dougal: Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
Father Ted: Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
Father Dougal: Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
[cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]
Father Dougal: Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
Father Ted: Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
Father Dougal: Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
[cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]
Father Jack Hackett: [after Bishop Brennan asks how he is] Arsebiscuits!
Father Niall Haverty: [shocked] How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately!
Father Jack Hackett: [Father Ted squirms, as Father Jack sits up and puts his hands on his front like a rabbit, and in a rabbit-like voice] I'm... so... sooo... sorry.
[then nibbles like a rabbit]
Father Ted: [to Mrs. Doyle] Now that's sarcasm.
Father Niall Haverty: [shocked] How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately!
Father Jack Hackett: [Father Ted squirms, as Father Jack sits up and puts his hands on his front like a rabbit, and in a rabbit-like voice] I'm... so... sooo... sorry.
[then nibbles like a rabbit]
Father Ted: [to Mrs. Doyle] Now that's sarcasm.
Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.
Father Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop.
[Whispers to Dougal]
Father Ted: They shaft you every time!
[Dougal looks worried]
Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Ted: Never buy black socks from a normal shop.
[Whispers to Dougal]
Father Ted: They shaft you every time!
[Dougal looks worried]
Father Dougal: I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.
