Thirty-something Irish Catholic couple Sean and Claudia deal with their three children as well as Sean's judgmental father and his carefree brother.

Walt: Three juice boxes for six kids? It's gonna be like Lord of the Flies out there.
Sean: Why are you answering questions with questions?
Eddie: Why does that concern you?
Sean: Only three more years.
Claudia: 'Till she goes off to college?
Sean: Nope. 'Till she can be tried as an adult.
Claudia: You were ambushed by elves?
Sean: Yeah, yeah. Santa's elves. The fat bastard sicked them on me.
Claudia: But your dad is Santa.
Sean: Yeah, and he's a fat bastard.
Henry Finnerty: Wow, that ride must be really scary. Those two guys are holding hands!
James "Jimmy" Finnerty: That's the line for cotton candy.
Salesman: How can I put you in a pre-owned vehicle today?
Claudia: We're looking for something used...
Salesman: We have one of the largest selections of pre-owned vehicles in the tri-state area.
Sean: So they're used?
Salesman: Sir, our selection does not just include the pre-owned, we also have a large number of lease returns. I can assure you the pre-owned and the lease returns are complete certified.
Sean: How am I gonna get you to say "used"?
Salesman: That's not a word we like here.
Sean: Then at least admit they're cars.
Salesman: You mean the vehicles?
Eddie: Fortune favors the bold, my friend.
[sees the Christmas tree in the hospital]
Eddie: Bingo.
James "Jimmy" Finnerty: That's a hospital.
Eddie: And this is an emergency.
Sean: [playing Joseph in Christmas play] Behold! Can the people in the back behold? Can the people in the front please make room for those in the back who have difficulty beholding?
Young Sean: Dad, can I have an Evel Knieval stunt cycle for Christmas?
Walt: No. You are not getting Evel Knieval. You're getting pants and a yo-yo. And you better act surprised!
Eddie: [Back to present day] I remember that Christmas. I got a dictionary and a vest.
Sean: At least you didn't get beamed with a yo-yo for not acting surprised.
Sean: [Finding a box belonging to Eddie] Is it illegal?
Eddie: Not everywhere.
Sean: Will it explode and kill us all?
Eddie: I can personally guarantee that it will not.
[Sean shakes it]
Eddie: That's not smart.
Sean: Hello, Rochelle? No, I do not want to give you my account number and I shall tell you why: because I have already keyed it in three times and given it to several different people including a Beth, a José, and someone who was really rude to me named Kevin. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we are SICK of having to call something in and key in the number and then being asked what the number was we keyed in before! All right? So why don't you get a piece of paper - have you heard of that? And a pen AND WRITE THE DAMN NUMBERS DOWN!
Eddie: Why's the volume so loud?
Sean: Oh, Claudia lied to me, so I'm being an ass.
Sean: Claude, I've got to hand it to you. You were right.
Claudia: Shut up.
Sean: [Sarcastically] No, no, no, I'm just glad she had that credit card for when she needed it.
Claudia: [Angrily] Shut up!
Sean: [Sarcastically] Oh I'm just so happy my little baby is okay. That's all that matters!
Claudia: It's now time for you to SHUT UP!
Lily: I'm going over to Dean's.
Claudia: Okay, cool. Before you go, you're going to scrub all the puke out of the back of your grandfather's car.
Lily: But then I'll smell like puke.
Claudia: You know what? I don't give a glis.
Eddie: What name do you want on the card?
Sean: I want my name.
Eddie: No, it says your name is not available.
Old Patient: Why are you taking our Christmas tree?
Eddie: There's a light broke. I'm taking it to my work shop. I'm gonna bring it there and I'm gonna bring it back here. So why don't you go back to bed and have a good night.
[Pushes him into the elevator]
Old Patient: But this is my floor.
Lily: I really am a bad big sister. I'm selfish, I'm needy, I'm a bad listener...
James "Jimmy" Finnerty: Well...
Lily: [interrupting] Let me finish!
Perry: I don't wanna go!
Walt: Oh, you're going.
[repeated scream]
Lily: Ohhh-oh!
Claudia: You torpedoed Lily on her driving test!
Sean: I torpedoed her out of love!
Lily: [Coming up behind him] You torpedoed me?
Sean: No, I didn't, your mother misspoke.
Lily: [Screams and storms inside]
Sean: [to Claudia] Is that what you want behind the wheel of a car?
Claudia: You know how you're getting your license next year? You're not.
Lily: But everyone else will and I'll look like a loser.
Sean: Oh no, don't worry, you're gonna look cool because everyday I'm going to drive you to school in the Futon-mobile!
Eddie: What are you doing?
Sean: [sitting in a lawn chair in front of his car, which has its hood up, and tools are scattered around him, he pries open a beer bottle with a wrench] Fixing the car.
Claudia: I'm sure it was an emergency. It was an emergency, wasn't it?
Lily: It sort of, kinda was.
Walt: Well you are sort of, kinda dead.
[repeated line]
Lily: I'm going over to
[one of her friend's place]
Lily: .
Eddie: Maybe I'll stop by tomorrow. Maybe not.
Claudia: Tomorrow I'm changing the locks.
Sean: Again?
Sean: Is that Aunt Marie? Tell her I still have that awful hair that makes me look like a drug dealer.
Claudia: Gee, Lil, it was real sweet of Aunt Deadra to call us all the way from dead.
Henry: It's Santa! He really did come.
Sean: [Dressed as Santa] Ho ho ho.
[His bag breaks and presents fall to the floor]
Sean: Oh crap!
Henry: Mom, why did Santa just use a swear word?
Sean: Ooh, an armoire.
Claudia: That's what they call it.
Sean: [in French accent] Oh, then we should buy this "armoire"' and put it in the "boudoir" next to the "toilette". Ooh-la-la.
Sean: [Finding a box belonging to Eddie] What's this?
Eddie: It's cool.
Sean: "It's cool" doesn't answer my question. "It's cool" doesn't tell me what's in the box.
Eddie: Yes it does. It tells you it's cool.

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