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The vampire Alucard and his newly sired ward Seras tries to protect England from a war-crazed SS-Major who seeks to start an eternal war with his vampire army.
Jan Valentine: [after being tackled by Seras] Hey bitch, get off me! I'm supposed to be on top!
Alucard: [after killing Luke] Such a shame; I overestimated you. As a vampire, you were just a pathetic piece of shit. And now you're nothing but dog shit!
The Major: What is hell but a bonfire?
Jan Valentine: Hello, is this thing on? Cool, [while flipping them off] Jan Valentine: this message is going out to the Round Table Conference, and a very personal and heartfelt shout-out to the queen bitch herself Ms. Hellsing! Alright, your ass is currently being kicked by the Valentine brothers! My name is Jan Valentine and I can't wait to meet each and every one of you. We'll be getting intimate as soon as me and the boys finish lunch. Let me be the first to thank you for providing us with all these tasty snacks! And by tomorrow Hellsing will be nothing more than a pile of shit!
First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: I've got something special for you!
Jan Valentine: [Blows a puff from a cigar] Fuck these are some fine cigars, all bourgeois and shit! [laughs] Jan Valentine: Aw, come on; that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world and she's wasting money on this! A slow and agonizing death is too good for that stick-up-her-ass bitch. I think it's about time someone gave her an old-fashioned working-class ass-kicking!
Jan Valentine: [to his soldiers] Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I said hold your fucking fire! [to Luke] Jan Valentine: Dude, bro these guys are complete fucking idiots! Are you sure about this shit? Luke Valentine: Please, this is a test! An insignificant ordinary test. Don't forget the big picture. His plans are moving forward and we are the smallest cogs in his great machine.
Luke Valentine: [to Luke] So this dude's friend, I mean like he's a real doctor, but like he does the cosmetic shit on the side, right? So then that same crazy fuck with the horn comes back but now he wants a Plexiglas plate for his skull. And the doctor fucking does it! He makes a window. You could see the fucker's brain and shit! The guy's got a big monster horn and his head meat on display. The guy's a freak! I mean what the fuck? [laughs] Jan Valentine: And you wouldn't believe what he did next man! It's too fucked up! After he ran Solo's bar out of business he fucking poached all the girls from his place man! So Solo like totally fucking snaps... Luke Valentine: Oh shut up! Jan Valentine: Dude, bro what's wrong with you man? Hey! Luke Valentine: You always get so annoying before work, I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, please learn to work quietly! Jan Valentine: Yeah, yeah I heard all that before, I know! Christ! Luke Valentine: You have no excuse to screw this up Jan! Jan Valentine: Screw up? That's never going to happen bro, this shit's going to be a cake walk!
Integra: [to Jan] What did you hope to accomplish here? Who's responsible for this? Start talking! [Jan laughs] Integra: Answer! Jan Valentine: Come on, bitch. You know; the ones who put the fucking chip in me, the chip that's sending them information letting them know we fucked up! They can hear us talking every last goddamn word! If they know I'm standing here all fucked up and dying about to tell you everything, you think they're going to let me fucking live? [gets set on fire] Jan Valentine: See, I so fucking told you! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits? [laughs] Jan Valentine: You can take this clue and shove it up your ass, bitch! [gives them the finger] Jan Valentine: Beware the Millennium! [dies]
Jan Valentine: [while shooting Hellsing soldiers] Up, up! Down, down! Left, right, left, right! Bringing the motherfucking death by Konami! Ahh I'm so fucking hard right now! [laughs]
Jan Valentine: Little Hellsing chicky, I'm coming to find you. Come out and play, little Hellsing; it's going to be a lot of fun. We just want to torture you, kill you, maybe skullfuck your corpse a couple of times, burn your house to the ground, go home, and masturbate, okay?