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The inmates of a German World War II prisoner of war camp conduct an espionage and sabotage campaign right under the noses of their warders.
[repeated line] Schultz: I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!
Schultz: Col. Hogan if you ever escape... Hogan: Yeah? Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.
[Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence] Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key. Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything? Colonel Klink: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.
Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number. Carter: [answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. [pause] Carter: So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!
[repeated line, indicating Colonel Hogan] Major Hochstetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?
Colonel Klink: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden. Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden. Colonel Klink: WHAT?
Colonel Klink: Those prisoners will be released over my dead body! Hogan: It's a deal!
Colonel Klink: [repeated line] Colonel Klink: No prisoner escapes from Stalag 13!
Schultz: [Klink is in prison awaiting a possible execution] I have some good news and bad news. Col. Wilhelm Klink: This time tell me the good news first. Schultz: You are going to be executed in the morning. Col. Wilhelm Klink: Then what's the bad news? Schultz: They aren't giving you a blindfold.
[while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers] Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner. Hogan: Carter.
[repeated line] Col. Wilhelm Klink: [on telephone] What was that? [pause] Col. Wilhelm Klink: [muttering] Oh yes, heil Hitler.
[Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint] General: What is this, you are not Gestapo? Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country. General: But I don't want to leave the country. Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay? General: I'm coming with you.
[Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking] Colonel Klink: [to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it? Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men. Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps. Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.
Hogan: You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.
[a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area] Guard: Nein! Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now.
[repeated line] Colonel Klink: Dis-missed!
Colonel Klink: [runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!
[Klink brags that he is in tip-top physical shape] General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness, that's another.
[in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo] Colonel Klink: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place. Captain: I have orders. [Hands over papers with orders to Klink] Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders. [Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper] Colonel Klink: "All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the Führer." [energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand] Colonel Klink: Glad to have you with us, Captain.
Colonel Klink: [trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe. Schultz: [walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid! Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure! Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe! Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe. Schultz: Illustrious Luft... Colonel Klink: Shultz!
Radio Host: [Hogan pretends to be a Nazi sympathizer to get on German radio and discredit a propagandist] You read Mein Kampf, I believe. Hogan: Oh, yeah. You know that guy, Hitler, who wrote it? A lot of people say that just because he wears that silly mustache the book's a big joke...
Hogan: [Hogan and Newkirk pose as German officers in a Nazi building] Take this man's name down, have him transferred to the Russian front! Newkirk: Jawohl, Herr General! Heil Hitler! Germans: [frantically] Heil Hitler! Officer: [approaches Hogan] Might I assist you? Hogan: [pointing at officer] This man is to be court martialed and *shot!* Officer: But Herr General, I've not even greeted you yet! Hogan: That's why! You're too slow!
[a German truck flies by] Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one
Schultz: Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them.