How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother Quotes

A father recounts to his children, through a series of flashbacks, the journey he and his four best friends took leading up to him meeting their mother.

Barney: It's gonna be legend-... wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!
Barney: Suit up!
Barney: It's gonna be legen... wait for it... dary!
Barney: Haaaaave you met Ted?
[repeated line]
Barney: Challenge accepted!
Barney: Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro-I'm Broda!
[repeated line]
Ranjit: Hello!
[repeated line]
Lily: You son of a bitch!
Barney: Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be *legendary*. Phone-five!
[slaps cell-phone]
Barney: You didn't phone-five, did you?
[pause]
Barney: I know when you don't phone-five Ted.
Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Not Moby: Who?
Ted: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby: Oh, no.
Ted: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby: No.
Lily: [Lily sees Barney hitting on Claudia] Oh, hell. No!
[grabs Barney by the ear and yanks him away from Claudia]
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard until your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: [confused] Wait... my eyes? Or my testicles?
Lily: [pause, thinks about it] One of each!
Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.
Marshall: Doo-doo!
[laughs]
Barney: [chuckles] Totally.
Marshall: I'm not a gay pirate, I have sex with my parrot all the time!
[there is an awkward silence]
Marshall: OK, that came out wrong.
Ted: So, who are we picking up?
Barney: I dunno... her? Or maybe her...
Ted: Wait, so when you said we were going to pick someone up at the airport, you meant we were going to *pick someone up* at the airport?
Barney: Yeah...
Ted: You're kidding!
Barney: False!
Barney: Moist.
[repeated during Barney's play to get back at Lily]
[repeated line]
Ted: [whenever Marshall and Lily talk about having sex] Please don't.
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Ohhh yeah, you just know she likes it dirty!
Ted: I'm gonna do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the plunge... Well, I guess that's not a perfect metaphor since... for me it's falling in love and for him it's... death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.
Barney: It's going to be legendary!
Ted: Don't say that! You're too liberal with the word "legendary".
[flashback to Barney standing at Ted's door in snow gear with a shovel]
Barney: We're building an igloo in Central Park! It's going to be legendary! Snow-suit up!
Lily: [Being handed a drink at the Farhampton Inn] Thank you, Linus.
Ted: Can we maybe scoop stuffing for a while?
Barney: You wanna scoop stuffing on your first day?
[sarcastically makes phone with his hands and holds it to his ear]
Barney: Hello, NFL, can I be quarterback next Sunday?
Barney: What's that? Self five? Nice! We out!
Lily: Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?
Lily: You're playing hockey. With a basketball... and tennis rackets?
Marshall: It's BaskIceball, the greatest game ever. We invented it. it's Awesome!
Lily: Wait, BaskIceball? shouldn't it be Iceketball?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Ice... Ket... ball? that just sounds weird.
Marcus Eriksen: The game is BaskIceball. And I'm the best.
Lily: Well, maybe that's just cause you haven't seen *me* play.
[Lily throws the basketball to Marcus who throws it back to Marshall]
Marshall: Well, it's not exactly a sport for girls.
Lily: Well, that's funny cause your brother throws like a girl!
[Lily throws the ball back to Marcus]
Lily: [Marcus throws the ball hard and hits Lily in the face]
Marshall: I think we're going to wait on the baby thing. I mean I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms and stuff. But, uh, they make you old. Kinda like this anchor weighing you down to one spot... forever.
Claire: I'm three months pregnant.
Marshall: [surprised] Not awkward, guys. Not awkward if we don't let it be awkward.
[nervously smiles, then walks away]
Barney: What's that left hand? Right hand suck? Word!
Marshall: A drumroll? So what? that's it? You just said good night, went home and... performed the drum solo?
Ted: At least someone appreciates the fact that I am doing and not thinking.
[pause]
Ted: And now, I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.
Barney: Elbert "Ickey" Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91. Your 1,525 rushing yards and 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. So, Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse!
Barney: Was that chick at the end really a client?

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