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Four young friends with big egos and slightly arrogant attitudes are the proprietors of an Irish bar in Philadelphia.
Charlie Kelly: Oooh shit... Look at the door, dude. You see that door right there? The one marked pirate? You think a pirate lives in there?
Charlie Kelly: Later dudes, S you in your A's Don't wear a C and J all over your B's
Dennis Reynolds: How much cheese have you eaten today? Charlie Kelly: How much cheese is too much cheese? Dennis Reynolds: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese! Charlie Kelly: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese. Mac: You had a block of cheese? Charlie Kelly: I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese Mac: [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?
Mac: What's up, bitches?
Mac: I have an idea. Frank Reynolds: [Turns in fear] Where did you come from? Mac: Frank I've been walking next to you this entire time
Dennis Reynolds: What are your dislikes? Charlie Kelly: Peoples knees Dennis Reynolds: Oh come on! Mac: Bro you got be kidding ,you know what we'll make it up Dennis Reynolds: We'll make the whole thing up [Looks at Charlie] Dennis Reynolds: We're not even going to use you! Charlie Kelly: Cover you knees up if your going to be walking around everywhere.
Charlie Kelly: What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.
Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am. Mac: Yeah let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.
Mac: I never seen so many beautiful people in my life. Dennis Reynolds: Check it out, even Sweet Dee is getting lucky. Charlie Kelly: That dude's going to bang your sister, bro.
Donna: You're thirty-three years old, you're supposed to be sexually active! You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under the table
Dennis Reynolds: What is this wolf hair? Frank Reynolds: Also inconclusive. Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ how is that inconclusive?
Charlie Kelly: When was the last time we played night crawlers together Frank? Dennis Reynolds: Uhh. What's what's that? Charlie Kelly: Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?
Dennis Reynolds: Check this out [stretches his legs apart] Charlie Kelly: Good, that's good. And you're not getting a high ride, huh? Dennis Reynolds: Well I'm getting the high ride, but the jeans aren't restricting me.
Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, what's up with the spray paint? Charlie Kelly: Uhh... what's up with the outfit man?
Charlie Kelly: So what you want a maid? Frank Reynolds: That's right a maid, a maid I can bang
Mac: I think you should bang Gail the snail Frank Reynolds: My neice? Mac: Yeah Frank Reynolds: Gail the Snail? Mac: Dude what's more depraved than that huh? So she's not blood related so it's not that weird.
Charlie Kelly: But I do feel like she tried the intervention on us Dennis Reynolds: are you intervening us is that what that was? [pause] Dennis Reynolds: you know what I'm feeling I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here. When really we're the ones who are running things here Dee Reynolds: I've lost my trust in you, I feel like we can do this on our own. Dennis Reynolds: I think we can do the intervention on our own without her. Charlie Kelly: Do you guys think? Dee Reynolds: [turns to Charlie] Yeah Charlie Kelly: Alright, might as well give it a shot.
Charlie Kelly: [talking about the waitress] She got a job at the fair I can probably stalk her there.
Charlie Kelly: You did your best, no hard feelings! I'm going to grab some of this literature on my way out too. Dennis Reynolds: She didn't do that great of a job. Charlie Kelly: I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.
Charlie Kelly: Alright, let's go get some men!
[repeated lines, said in no specific order] Mac: Boom. Dennis Reynolds: Boom. Dee Reynolds: Boom.
Charlie Kelly: I know that game.
[repeated lines, said in no specific order] Mac: Absolutely. Charlie Kelly: Absolutely. Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely.
Mac: God you're disgusting, a disgusting animal.
Dee Reynolds: Is it a yes or a no, because you're kind of holding up traffic here. It's just - it's rude.