Late Night with Conan O'Brien Quotes
Conan O'Brien, a Harvard Lampoon alumnus, hosts this late-night comedy/talk-show which is often silly and whimsical.
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Then I cornered the earthquake and I grabbed it by its ass and zen I pressed against ze earthquake's perky 19-year-old faultlines. Zen the earthquake said, "I thought you hired me for my skills." And I just laughed at ze earthquake. Zen ze earthquake ran out crying and zen I turned slowly to camera, took the cigar out of my mouth and said, "Now she's all shook up."
[while playing with the Toronto Maple Leafs, Conan introduces a much wider hockey net]
Conan O'Brien: Guys, as we all know, scoring is difficult. This is the approved NHL four-by-six hockey net. I give you the "Conan net" right here. It will revolutionize the game. Bigger scores, more attendance. In this version of the game, the goalie, on odd-numbered nights, would be allowed to have a piece of furniture with him to help. An ottoman, a recliner, or a small sectional. Not a *large* sectional.
[pause]
Conan O'Brien: It's not a circus.
Conan O'Brien: Guys, as we all know, scoring is difficult. This is the approved NHL four-by-six hockey net. I give you the "Conan net" right here. It will revolutionize the game. Bigger scores, more attendance. In this version of the game, the goalie, on odd-numbered nights, would be allowed to have a piece of furniture with him to help. An ottoman, a recliner, or a small sectional. Not a *large* sectional.
[pause]
Conan O'Brien: It's not a circus.
Conan O'Brien: Let's check in with the 'Men Without Hats Conversation Channel.'
Wife: Do you want toast?
Man: [to the tune of "The Safety Dance"] You can make toast if you want to, and leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't toast, and if they don't toast, then they're no friends of mine.
Wife: I want a divorce.
[leaves]
Man: We can get divorced if you want to, and leave your friends behind...
Waitor: Are you all finished? Should I bring you the check?
Man: You can bring the check if you want to, and bring the check right now. 'Cause your friends don't check, and if they don't check...
[Waitor socks Man in the face]
Wife: Do you want toast?
Man: [to the tune of "The Safety Dance"] You can make toast if you want to, and leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't toast, and if they don't toast, then they're no friends of mine.
Wife: I want a divorce.
[leaves]
Man: We can get divorced if you want to, and leave your friends behind...
Waitor: Are you all finished? Should I bring you the check?
Man: You can bring the check if you want to, and bring the check right now. 'Cause your friends don't check, and if they don't check...
[Waitor socks Man in the face]
Conan O'Brien: You see, you're in for a long lifetime of, "And you went to Harvard?" Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it's, "And you went to Harvard?" Ask the guy at the hardware store how there jumper cables work and here, "And you went to Harvard?" Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it's, "And you went to Harvard?" Get your head stuck in your niece's doll house because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it's, "Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard?"
Johnson: Hey, boss!
Boss: Yeah?
Johnson: I just figured out something about a salad.
Boss: What's that?
Johnson: If you throw it against the wall
[tosses bowl of salad against wall]
Johnson: some of it sticks. Where's my paycheck?
Rick: Hey and where's mine?
[tosses bowl of salad against wall]
Rick: Yeah!
Boss: Yeah?
Johnson: I just figured out something about a salad.
Boss: What's that?
Johnson: If you throw it against the wall
[tosses bowl of salad against wall]
Johnson: some of it sticks. Where's my paycheck?
Rick: Hey and where's mine?
[tosses bowl of salad against wall]
Rick: Yeah!
Conan O'Brien: So, you called Cruz Bustamante and agreed that it was a fair election? That was very professional of you, Governor.
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ya! Zen I called him a fat little chipmunk! I said he should change his name to Lose Bustyourpantski, zen I had sex with his mother!
Conan O'Brien: What?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ya!
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ya! Zen I called him a fat little chipmunk! I said he should change his name to Lose Bustyourpantski, zen I had sex with his mother!
Conan O'Brien: What?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ya!
Conan O'Brien: [Conan is having a conversation with Connery on the phone, and Connery asked Conan what his favorite Connery James Bond movie is] I don't know... On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
"Voice" of Sean Connery: That was George Lazenby! Nobody mistakes me for George Lazenby!
[pause]
"Voice" of Sean Connery: Except for Mrs. Lazenby.
"Voice" of Sean Connery: That was George Lazenby! Nobody mistakes me for George Lazenby!
[pause]
"Voice" of Sean Connery: Except for Mrs. Lazenby.
Singer: [singing] Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants. They get taxes done in a hurry! They're as competent as they are furry. Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! W-2s and 1099s are pieces of cake for these brilliant felines! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants!
Conan O'Brien: A lot of people seemed to like President Bush's speech last night.
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Noooooo!
Conan O'Brien: No?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: It was garbage! No-one even watched it!
Conan O'Brien: What do you mean no-one watched it?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: They were too busy watching my convention speech again! It's now available on DVD!
Conan O'Brien: Oh, wait. You mean to say you put your convention speech on a DVD?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, I expanded it into a full-length feature by adding deleted scenes and there's some new explosions, and I even added a commentary track by me!
Conan O'Brien: What? Your DVD has you doing a commentary track?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, yah! It's filled with insightful comments I made during the speech! Comments like 'Look! That's me!' and 'Oh, this is a good speech!' and 'Oh, check out the jugs on that delegate from Rhode Island'!
Conan O'Brien: Okay, you shouldn't do that. That's not good.
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Plus, Conan, there's more! There's *more*!
Conan O'Brien: Really? There's more?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, there's an alternate ending to the speech! Where my speech fights with George Bush's speech on the surface of Mars!
Conan O'Brien: The two speeches fight?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: The two speeches collide in a never-before-seen conglomeration of speeches! My speech on the surface it tears into George Bush's speech, rips it into shreds and I turn to the camera and I say, "I'm speechless!"
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Noooooo!
Conan O'Brien: No?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: It was garbage! No-one even watched it!
Conan O'Brien: What do you mean no-one watched it?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: They were too busy watching my convention speech again! It's now available on DVD!
Conan O'Brien: Oh, wait. You mean to say you put your convention speech on a DVD?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, I expanded it into a full-length feature by adding deleted scenes and there's some new explosions, and I even added a commentary track by me!
Conan O'Brien: What? Your DVD has you doing a commentary track?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, yah! It's filled with insightful comments I made during the speech! Comments like 'Look! That's me!' and 'Oh, this is a good speech!' and 'Oh, check out the jugs on that delegate from Rhode Island'!
Conan O'Brien: Okay, you shouldn't do that. That's not good.
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Plus, Conan, there's more! There's *more*!
Conan O'Brien: Really? There's more?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah, there's an alternate ending to the speech! Where my speech fights with George Bush's speech on the surface of Mars!
Conan O'Brien: The two speeches fight?
Lips of Arnold Schwarzenegger: The two speeches collide in a never-before-seen conglomeration of speeches! My speech on the surface it tears into George Bush's speech, rips it into shreds and I turn to the camera and I say, "I'm speechless!"
George W. Bush "Lips": Conan, I once had a bad experience with same-sex marriage. When I was a kid, I once caught my daddy in bed with a George Washington impersonator.
Conan O'Brien: Uh, Mr. President, that wasn't a George Washington impersonator, that was your mother.
George W. Bush "Lips": Conan, you're a liar! Everybody knows my mother looks like the Quaker Oats guy.
Conan O'Brien: Uh, Mr. President, that wasn't a George Washington impersonator, that was your mother.
George W. Bush "Lips": Conan, you're a liar! Everybody knows my mother looks like the Quaker Oats guy.
