Little Britain Quotes
Matt Lucas and David Walliams, the creators of this character-comedy sketch show, delight in all that is mad, bad, quirky and generally bonkers about the people and places of Britain.
Bus Conductor: Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off.
Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.
Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.
George Michael: Hello, Andy.
[pause]
George Michael: Nice to meet you
[pause]
George Michael: . Happy birthday.
Andy: I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.
Lou: Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.
Andy: Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.
[pause]
George Michael: Nice to meet you
[pause]
George Michael: . Happy birthday.
Andy: I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.
Lou: Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.
Andy: Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.
Daffyd: Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am...
[deep breath]
Father: Asthmatic?
Daffyd: No! I am... a gay! Oh!
Mother: Very nice.
Father: Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.
Daffyd: So you don't mind?
Father: No.
Daffyd: So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?
Mother: Eh? Oh, no. Quite frankly, we did had an inkling.
[washes Daffyd's gay clothes]
[deep breath]
Father: Asthmatic?
Daffyd: No! I am... a gay! Oh!
Mother: Very nice.
Father: Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.
Daffyd: So you don't mind?
Father: No.
Daffyd: So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?
Mother: Eh? Oh, no. Quite frankly, we did had an inkling.
[washes Daffyd's gay clothes]
Marjorie Dawes: What advice can we give to Christopher to help him lose weight? Paul!
Paul: Eat healthily?
Marjorie Dawes: Oh that's rich coming from you. Pat!
Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate!
Marjorie Dawes: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate, all the other kids hate him, chocolates the only friend he's got. And last but not least, Meera!
Meera: Exercise?
Marjorie Dawes: What? Sorry?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie Dawes: Say it again?
Meera: Oh, forget it.
Marjorie Dawes: Can't understand her, can you? Anyway, I think the most important thing you can do, is get a bit of exercise! Yeah?
Paul: Eat healthily?
Marjorie Dawes: Oh that's rich coming from you. Pat!
Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate!
Marjorie Dawes: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate, all the other kids hate him, chocolates the only friend he's got. And last but not least, Meera!
Meera: Exercise?
Marjorie Dawes: What? Sorry?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie Dawes: Say it again?
Meera: Oh, forget it.
Marjorie Dawes: Can't understand her, can you? Anyway, I think the most important thing you can do, is get a bit of exercise! Yeah?
Lou: It's your birthday coming up, and I've booked a table up the Harvester.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Is there anyone you want me to invite?
Andy: George Michaels.
Lou: George Michaels? We don't know him.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: What about your brother, Declan?
Andy: George Michaels!
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: Is there anyone you want me to invite?
Andy: George Michaels.
Lou: George Michaels? We don't know him.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Lou: What about your brother, Declan?
Andy: George Michaels!
Police Officer: You do know it's an offence to waste police time?
Vicky Pollard: No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.
Vicky Pollard: No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.
Marjorie Dawes: What advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul?
Fat Fighter: [sighs] Cut out biscuits?
Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits! erm... Mary?
Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person...
Barbara: No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes: Well, you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here... but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
Fat Fighter: [sighs] Cut out biscuits?
Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits! erm... Mary?
Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person...
Barbara: No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes: Well, you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here... but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
Robot career counsellor: What did you have in mind?
Boy: I've always wanted to do catering...
Robot career counsellor: There will no jobs for humans in catering in the future. Only robots!
Boy: Does that include catering in hotels?
Robot career counsellor: [thinking] Err... Yes!
Boy: Well the other thing I thought was engineering...
Robot career counsellor: There will be no jobs for humans in the future. Only robots!
[it prints out a brochure]
Robot career counsellor: This will explain it all! Now leave!
Boy: Thank you, sir.
Robot career counsellor: I am a robot!
Boy: I've always wanted to do catering...
Robot career counsellor: There will no jobs for humans in catering in the future. Only robots!
Boy: Does that include catering in hotels?
Robot career counsellor: [thinking] Err... Yes!
Boy: Well the other thing I thought was engineering...
Robot career counsellor: There will be no jobs for humans in the future. Only robots!
[it prints out a brochure]
Robot career counsellor: This will explain it all! Now leave!
Boy: Thank you, sir.
Robot career counsellor: I am a robot!
Student councillor lady: [On the phone, describing the student sat opposite her, who is of restricted growth] You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. How can I describe him? Shoulder-length brown hair. Wears a lot of jewellery. Looks *up* a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare. That's it - the Oompa Loompa.
[Can't see why Paul looks annoyed. Starts humming the Ooompa Loompa song as he stomps out]
[Can't see why Paul looks annoyed. Starts humming the Ooompa Loompa song as he stomps out]
Denver Mills: I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys, but the difference is I actually beat some of mine, not just BEAT them like you do.
[Silence. Denver exits the stage with a bottle of alcohol]
[Silence. Denver exits the stage with a bottle of alcohol]
Mike: Hey, you open for afternoon tea?
Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[plays tune on flute]
Mike: Oh, OK.
[starts to walk out]
Scottish Guy: No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down.
[shows them to a table]
Mother: Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?
Kimberly: It smells funny in here!
Scottish Guy: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]
Scottish Guy: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mother: Mm, those look good, don't they honey?
Kimberly: I want the chocolate cake.
Mother: OK, OK, honey
[to Scottish guy]
Mother: Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Kimberly: What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Mike: Well, which?
Scottish Guy: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy: The carrot cake contains? no nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy: The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts
[plays flute]
Scottish Guy: No nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy: [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Mike: [takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?
Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[plays tune on flute]
Mike: Oh, OK.
[starts to walk out]
Scottish Guy: No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down.
[shows them to a table]
Mother: Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?
Kimberly: It smells funny in here!
Scottish Guy: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]
Scottish Guy: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mother: Mm, those look good, don't they honey?
Kimberly: I want the chocolate cake.
Mother: OK, OK, honey
[to Scottish guy]
Mother: Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Kimberly: What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Mike: Well, which?
Scottish Guy: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy: The carrot cake contains? no nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy: The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts
[plays flute]
Scottish Guy: No nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy: [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Mike: [takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?
Jeremy Rent: [to Dennis Waterman about his role in a stage production of Macbeth] No, it's straight theatre. No music. So what do you think?
[pause]
Dennis Waterman: [singing]
Dennis Waterman: Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play...
Jeremy Rent: I'll tell 'em you're busy...
[pause]
Dennis Waterman: [singing]
Dennis Waterman: Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play...
Jeremy Rent: I'll tell 'em you're busy...
Vicky Pollard: No, but yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in then Blazin' Squad are well gonna give you beatings because I've actually already met them already anyway, actually, down at the Radio 1 Roadshow at Weston Super-Mare!
[to friend]
Vicky Pollard: You remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Mars and Hayley Evers reckons she saw Joe Wylans taking a dump in the sea.
[to bouncer]
Vicky Pollard: But, anyway I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway I do know them already because I'm their assistant. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not then don't listen to him because everyone knows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox.
[to friend]
Vicky Pollard: You remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Mars and Hayley Evers reckons she saw Joe Wylans taking a dump in the sea.
[to bouncer]
Vicky Pollard: But, anyway I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway I do know them already because I'm their assistant. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not then don't listen to him because everyone knows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox.
Roy: You are being a little specifc, yes.
Mr Mann: Ok, have you got any books...?
Roy: Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.
Mr Mann: I'll take them please.
Roy: Alright!
[begins stacking books into crate]
Roy: You, er, you must really like reading!
Mr Mann: Oh no, unfortunately I'm blind.
[Roy waves hand in front of Mr Mann's face]
Mr Mann: [Mr Mann waves hand in front of Roy's face]
Mr Mann: Ok, have you got any books...?
Roy: Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.
Mr Mann: I'll take them please.
Roy: Alright!
[begins stacking books into crate]
Roy: You, er, you must really like reading!
Mr Mann: Oh no, unfortunately I'm blind.
[Roy waves hand in front of Mr Mann's face]
Mr Mann: [Mr Mann waves hand in front of Roy's face]
Marjorie Dawes: What else do we have cravings of? Yes, Meera.
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: I'm sorry?
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: Say again, sorry.
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: Oh, right, some dish we don't get over here.
[writing down on wipeboard]
Marjorie Dawes: Curry.
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: I'm sorry?
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: Say again, sorry.
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: Oh, right, some dish we don't get over here.
[writing down on wipeboard]
Marjorie Dawes: Curry.
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