Married with Children Quotes
Al Bundy is a misanthropic women's shoe salesman with a miserable life. He hates his job, his wife is lazy, his son is dysfunctional (especially with women), and his daughter is dim-witted and promiscuous.
[the "Psycho Dad" theme]
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al: This is why we must give to PBS.
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al: This is why we must give to PBS.
Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.
Al: [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.
Marcy: [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?
Al: [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.
Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.
Marcy: [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?
Al: [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.
Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.
Al: I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Peggy: Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.
Al: Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.
Peggy: Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.
Al: Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.
Kelly: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.
Kelly: He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm.
Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly: Obviously, he's not here.
Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly: Obviously, he's not here.
[Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]
Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him!
[holds up two fingers]
Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?
[pokes Jefferson in the eyes]
Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.
Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him!
[holds up two fingers]
Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?
[pokes Jefferson in the eyes]
Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.
