My Family

My Family Quotes

Comedy about Ben, a dentist, and his family. They don't exactly get along well.

Ben: [to Abi] You, you're unhinged!
[to Michael]
Ben: You, you're demented!
[to Nick]
Ben: You... you're just you!
Susan: I have decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives.
Michael: You're going to kill dad?
Susan: My mum's like a horror movie. If we all don't stick together, she'll pick us off one at a time.
Susan: [to Ben, after her mother leaves the house] Don't even think about locking that door!
Ben: Locking it? I was thinking of bricking it up!
Michael: If I was smart, I'd have run away with the circus already.
Abi: Don't worry, Janey. I had a fantasy man for about a year. They always leave you. The sex is great, though!
Roger: You'll kill me one of these days.
Ben: That's the plan.
[Susan is writing a letter to Janey]
Ben: She never writes to me.
Susan: Well you never write to her.
Ben: I do. I wrote to her yesterday. I sent her a parental haiku. "Enclosed is cheque, you bleed me dry, stop it."
Ben: [pulling Abi's arm] I'm desperate!
Roger: [pulling Abi's other arm; shouting] Then buy a magazine!
Abi: Thanks, Ben. You've been saying really nice things lately... Actually they're the same things but without the sarcasm.
Janey: Abi, can you keep a secret?
Abi: Oh, yeah. I've never told anyone about Michael's vandalism charge.
Michael: [from the other room] Hey!
Ben: She's got the worst set of teeth I've ever seen, and I'm a dentist.
[repeated line]
Ben: Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!
Susan: And the plastic lobster is still there - not that I've seen it before...
[to Ben]
Michael: Sometimes you're treating me like I'm you.
Ben: [grabs Michael on the neck from behind] Right, gotcha!
Michael: How long have you been waiting there?
Ben: Hours. Where's my £60?
Michael: I put it in the bank.
Ben: At this time of night?
Michael: Erm... I did it online.
Ben: [looking puzzled] I gave you cash!
Michael: It's got a holographic modem.
Ben: What's that?
Michael: Well... you scan the bank notes into the feeder slot, which then converts them into cyber-pennies... which, then transmatterates them directly into my account.
Ben: Well, transmatterate them back.
Michael: Erm... you can't do it twice. They'll disintegrate.
Ben: Come on! You can't fool me! I'm not your mother! If you can transmatterate them one way, you can transmatterate them back! Now, where's my cash?

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