In the not-too-distant future, a man and his robots are trapped aboard the Satellite of Love, where mad scientists force them to sit through the worst movies ever made.

Joel: Iowa State College... the high school after high school.
Pearl Forrester: I'll send him cheesy movies... The worst, I can find! He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!
Mike Nelson: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.
Dr. Forrester: This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
TV's Frank: Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...
TV's Frank: The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
TV's Frank: Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. Forrester: Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...
Joel: Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Tom Servo: Yeah, what do you get out of it?
TV's Frank: Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. Forrester: No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?
Mike Nelson: Ray Dennis Steckler may have had some issues with women.
Tom Servo: So, anyway... you can see how this all adds up to a movie.
Mike Nelson: We're goin' campin' and you're gonna watch.
Mike Nelson: I must have blood before the night is done.
[repeated line]
Crow T. Robot: A planet where apes evolved from men?
MC: Let's give a big hand for Mr. Don Snyder
Mike Nelson: Don Snyder, that's his stage name. His real name's Dan Swanson.
Scientist in movie: You are a cynical, suspicious man.
Crow T. Robot: No I'm not! Who told you that?
Docter: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in...
Tom Servo: Because he got me as his doctor.
Crow: I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character. This is great, though.
Girl: That's a great stew. What's in it?
Johnny Longbow: Oh, a lot of things.
Tom Servo: Rattlesnake, Velveeta.
Johnny: Chicken, corn, chili, green pepper... onions...
Mike Nelson: Hair...
Johnny: Well, it's kind of an old recipe around here.
[an image of a large man circles in the sky]
Mike Nelson: Really, REALLY Big Brother.
Tom Servo: Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.
Mike Nelson: [reading the opening credits] Oh dear. The size of the word 'presents' makes me think they're a little sheepish.
TV's Frank: Geez, they don't really tell you how to reverse these things! Oh, hi! Having a few technical difficulties. Look, Clay, I didn't mean to make you undead! I was just fooling around! It happens!
[after a movie's vain attempt at humor]
Crow: That was supposed to make us sad, right?
Tom Servo: Is he a turnip that grew a face?
Mike Nelson: Talk, or there won't be an unpeeled orange in this place.
Crow: Well Mike, that's just the difference between you and me.
Mike Nelson: You hire deranged psychopaths as caterers and I don't?
Crow: Exactly.
Tom Servo: [upon seeing the credit "Brian Hamill - Still Photographer"] I'm glad Brian Hamill's still a photographer. I was afraid he'd be laid off.
Dr. Forrester: Sail on, Silver Bird!
[injects Lawrence in the butt]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: D'oh, Jeez!
Dr. Forrester: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!
Crow T. Robot: A brain the size of a walnut.
Joel: The dinosaur?
Crow T. Robot: No, the director.
Crow: C'mon photo. I'll cut ya. I'll cut ya real good.
Gypsy: Now I understand why he's so sick. Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with bitch!
Tom Servo: Store this image away for a later nightmare.
Mike Nelson: You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting.
Mike Nelson: Bobo, we have to do something. Please tell me you're not a pod.
Bobo: Oh, me? Noooo. Everybody else is down here - not me. You know why not me? Because the monkey isn't good enough... AGAIN. Should we assimilate the monkey? Noooo. The monkey's got a red butt. Stupid monkey's got a red butt. Does the monkey want a BAH-NAH-NAH?
Bobo: It takes its toll, Mike.
Crow T. Robot: Citrusville, City of Progress. Where everyone is juiced.
Crow T. Robot: He's like an idiot savant, minus the savant.
Tom Servo: Someone with a really big butt sat there
Joel: Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.
Crow T. Robot: That's not my tail.
Dr. Forrester: I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now and I may never stop.
Tom Servo: Much worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Giant Gila Monster"?
Tom Servo: Oh, a whole lot worse.
Joel: "The Manchingo Coniglium"?
Tom Servo: Oh, huh?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!
Tom Servo: [pause] It's a ton worse.
Tom Servo: Well, I see this movie wastes no precious screen time with a plot.
Tom Servo: Well, guys, I guess no matter how hard you try, there's just no way to make parallel parking exciting.
Tom Servo: [watching ice skaters] Beauty, grace and rhythm... you won't find them here.
Tom Servo: I should be sternly disciplined. Oh yes.
Tom Servo: [watching a man fishing] Typical male, sitting in his chair, playing with his rod.
Tom Servo: So the rest of the movie is just watching them all get shot one by one?
Crow: We may enjoy it.
Crow: I toast your sleaziness.
Tom Servo: Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt-cheeks.
Crow T. Robot: This movie means two things to me: Sheet cake and back fat.
Mike Nelson: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
Tom Servo: don't suppose there's any chance this guy's going to end up under the wheels of a train, is there?
Tom Servo: 35 minutes into the movie, we hit the first plot point.
Tom Servo: This is very moving... in that it makes me want to MOVE out of the theater.
Mike Nelson: The movie that dares to graphically depict seeing peacocks and sometimes NOT seeing peacocks.
Joel: Oh, let me get a pencil, I wanna write THAT one down.
Tom Servo: Lucy, I'm hom... LUCY. OH MY GOD.
Tom Servo: Gee, even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog.
Tom Servo: Peter Pan, antichrist.
[watching women's wrestling]
Mike Nelson: Sheeeeeesh. Her breasts are on her shoulders.
Crow: White Beer, there's a trailer park of taste in every bottle.
Tom Servo: Hey, they're doctors, but they do puppet shows, too!
Mike Nelson: So the first plot point involves knitting socks? I think we're in for quite a ride guys.
Crow: Here comes Mike, destroyer of worlds.
Tom Servo: O god of fire and vengeance, stay away from me.
Crow T. Robot: Killed by a tether ball.
Crow: I throw my doll at you!
Crow: There is NO way this guy is the hero of the film. Come on movie, movie can I see your supervisor movie, this will not stand!
Crow T. Robot: Oh. Well, I'm glad you found it. This is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed for expensive private academies, because Joel, privilege has its own odor. What do you think, sirs?
TV's Frank: Joel! Grades aren't important... it's the SAT's that count. Well, now the good doctor and I would like to make a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment. Move over comedy clubs, move over trendy discussion salons, move over karaoke bars, here comes ventriloquism! Big, broad, sassy, and brassy. And now Deep 13, in association with George Slaughter Productions, would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his lovable sidekick, Resusci-Annie.
Dr. Forrester: Hello uh, this is Resusci-Annie. We secured over two thousand of these previously-owned CPR demonstration dolls and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom of the 90's. And without further ado uh, it's time to sit back and laugh and learn with Resusci-Annie. Hehe. Say hello to the nice folks Resusci. Hello nice folks. Resusci, I implore you to be kind and courteous to these well meaning and clean, uh, people here today. I wanna go find some chicks. Heh, but Resusci, you is a chick! I said Resusci, you is a chick! Uh, Frank something's wrong this looks like the big one... I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie, you dial 911 while drinking water. Your film today, Joel, is a little film which stars no one. It features a giant lame lobster and oh... breathe two, three, four. It's called "Teenagers from Outer Space" and it is a spunky load of noodles.
Narrator: Watch out, that ground is awful hard.
Joel: Life is awful hard.
Crow: Did someone drop some femurs over here?
Pearl Forrester: Can I rule you?
Tom Servo: Sorry, baby. No one rules the Tom Monster.
[Instrumental new wave music plays in an 80s movie]
Mike Nelson: [singing] It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
Dr. Forrester: Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!
Dr. Forrester: By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!
Crow: What did he say? Fart and get some sleep?
[a particularly cheesy special effect is shown]
Crow T Robot: Special effects by Billy!
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'll give you 3 seconds to stop licking my face.
Crow: Chickens are a cruel people.
Tom Servo: Where are you going, General?
Crow: I'm going to Berlin to personally shoot that paper-hanging-son-of-a-bitch.
Tom Servo: Two different kinds of plaid? Ew. I'm a naked robot and even *I* know that's a Fashion Don't.
Mike Nelson: I shouldn't have bought a ride for my living room.
Tom Servo: I could prove these guys don't exist!
Tom Servo: [Describing his funeral] Dignity, smignity, I want elephants, LOTS of them.
Tom Servo: It's just a simple matter of "What the hell is going on?"
Crow T. Robot: This is a job for... regular guy.
[Father Mushroom appears]
Mike Nelson: so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?
Crow: I think they lick toads.
Joel: Uh, suicide has a 'U' in it, sir.
Tom Servo: So, we're about a half-hour into the movie?
Joel: No, actually it's only about a minute.
Tom Servo: No.
Crow: I felt a disturbance, like a million monkeys cried out at once, then all were silenced. The world... is no more.
[the lights and sirens go off]
Tom Servo: And even worse... WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGNS!
TV's Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed "The Phantom Creeps" at the end... It's Dr. Forrester who calls all the shots around here... If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idear. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number...
TV's Frank: If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me. I wouldn't have to drive, I wouldn't have to steer... 'Cause all the world would bow down before me in total abject fear. All the gorgeous dames would worship at my feet. Why, I could have anyone of them I want... Even Meryl Streep. I'd have complete respect of everyone on the planet including intellectuals, even David Mamet. Tell me why do I have to take orders from this guy? I'd like to drop him in a bucket of boiling grease and watch him slowly die.
Tom Servo: Why is the coat rack on fire?
Crow T. Robot: [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.
Tom Servo: That was pathetic.
Joel: Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom Servo: Maybe for fiction!
Tom Servo: Y'ah know it's spring when the Executioners start getting in the house.
[after a dinosaur has been killed]
Mike Nelson: I came to warn you... an asteroid.
[In his Groucho Marx voice]
Crow: Say the secret word and get killed by a psycho.
Crow: Thrill as they listen really hard.
Tom Servo: Marvel as they listen even harder.
Mike Nelson: [the hero stops his bike in front of an airplane] Stop! Or your propeller will grind me into hamburger!
Mike Nelson: I'm sorry, clearly you're not a psychopath.
Tom Servo: That's right! Now get out before my dog orders me to shoot the president!
Mike Nelson: Why you're a freak. A super freak. You're super freaky.
Teacher: At school the other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.
Tom Servo: Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.
Tiger: Pretty weird, huh?
Mike Nelson: Yeah. Too bad it's not in the same movie.
Crow T. Robot: Pajamas, jazz, and communism. This is WILD.
TV's Frank: [Joel is watching the mads] Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...
Dr. Forrester: Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.
TV's Frank: What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!
Dr. Forrester: It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.
Mike Nelson: [still reading credits] Oh, Ray Dennis Steckler, that explains a LOT.
Crow T. Robot: I think you're supposed to strangle me 'till I'm dead.
Jody: Is there anyone in this house that I don't know about?
Crow: Well, you know Wilma Failed-Genetic-Experiment, right?
Crow: [his testemony in Mike's trial] Hi. I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm just letting you know Mike Nelson is
Crow: ing innocent, so
Crow: you
Crow: ers. And that goes for your bull
Crow: court system too. Mike, I'm so
Crow: ing sorry I couldn't be there, so take care you
Crow: er.
Joel: Banjo, you're just strung too high.
Adam: You think this is all there is to America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
Crow: And hula-hoops and dungarees?
Adam: Well it's my job to keep the apple on the table and no-one questions how I do it.
Mike Nelson: I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.
Nick: So, are you making dinner?
Lisa: Are you offering dinner?
Crow: No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"
[during the opening credits]
Crow: I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.
[after a character has strangled another character]
Tom Servo: There, now can we get some sleep?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We've gotta talk!
Dr. Forrester: I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'll change!
Dr. Forrester: Well then, change, damn you!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I've changed.
Dr. Forrester: Not that quickly. It doesn't count.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.
Dr. Forrester: Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!
Joel: Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?
Dr. Forrester: How long have you been listening?
Joel: Well, since Thursday.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thurs- My casserole!
Joel: Cody, don't wear your jet pack in the house. What if that thing went off?
Japanese reporter: I got pictures of your spaceship.
Tom Servo: MY spaceship. When we bought it it was OUR spaceship.
Crow T. Robot: Trash talking wasn't very good yet. All you could say was "ARRGHGHR."
Mike Nelson: Thank goodness for internal genitalia.
Tom Servo: I'm glad I chose kicking butt as a living.
Tom Servo: Vacation.
[deep voice]
Tom Servo: In the Forbiden Zone.
Bobo: Well Mike, that Gypsy ratted you out, looks like you're going down.
Bobo: Do you like pancakes?
Grandpa Borgnine: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow: You are sick, old man.
Crow: Oh my God, please say this isn't happening.
Sheriff: What kind of horse did he ride Mr. Cooper?
Dr. Forrester: It was just a head and a stick. It was weird.
Joel: Ambiguity is scary.
Crow: Old guy, there's another old guy to see you.
Crow: You know Mike, this Ryder guy's like you.
Mike Nelson: Huh.
Crow: No seriously, take away his personality and attractiveness to women and it's you.
Mike Nelson: Oh, thank you...
Dr. Forrester: As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, push the button, Judy Garland!
Crow T. Robot: It sure is sunny in space.
Mike Nelson: Uh, front desk? There's a mummy in my room.
Dr. Forrester: Booze really heals!
Crow T. Robot: Uh, I forgot how my muscles work.
General: Don't shoot to kill.
Tom Servo: DON'T shoot to kill?
Crow T. Robot: Shoot to pick off, yeah that's the ticket.
Joel: You can tell they're more advanced because their furniture doesn't break... It tips over but it doesn't break
Mike Nelson: Some have described me as an ambulatory mound of suet.
Tom Servo: Ahhh, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable two P.M. beer buzz, ya homesick yet Mike?
Crow T. Robot: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: No. I want my money back.
Dr. Forrester: Forceps, Frank. Pain.
TV's Frank: I don't care. I want my money.
Dr. Forrester: Electro shock, Frank.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: THE BOX, FRANK.
TV's Frank: I'll push the button...
Crow T. Robot: There's always a boring shot.
Joel: Yeah.
Tom Servo: My shorts are never boring.
Joel: Thank you, Tom.
Narrator: This is the fair ground, where the fair is held.
Tom Servo: Any questions so far?
Crow: So, anyway, guys, who did they think this movie would appeal to? Elderly squirrels?
Tom Servo: People without heads?
Mike Nelson: Used napkins?
Crow: Italians?
Mike Nelson: Crow. That's getting off the point.
Crow: You're right. Uhh... Germans?
[a character tells someone to set a device on "nuclear"]
Crow: Oh great, what was it on before? 'Defrost'?
Tom Servo: Hey, they threw Alanis Morissette in prison.
Mike Nelson: Finally.
Crow: Nihassi told me I look like a walrus.
Dr. Forrester: You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka!
Dr. Forrester: Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka! Is it?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.
TV's Frank: Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.
Tom Servo: It's the only landscape I know that's enhanced by telephone poles.
Tom Servo: No self-respecting scientist would have his shirt unbuttoned that far.
Joel: Hey look guys, they're being followed by a movie?
Crow: Monster, 2: Zeros, 0.
Tom Servo: He always offers me beef.
Joel: Uh, genocide has a "C" in it.
Crow: This is how I go fishing guys, with a flash light and a flamethrower.
Crow: Oh, my God. The humidifier committed suicide.
Crow: So, the only effect of his complete immolation is... minor irritation and redness?
Woman: But you're right, I probably read about it.
Tom Servo: In the script.
Joel: We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Crow T. Robot: But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.
Tom Servo: Dames like this always got beer around.
Joel: What?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Tom Servo: Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.
[Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]
Tom Servo: Poe!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Ohhhhhhhh...
Joel: It's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.
Crow: Here's two bucks baby, cause that's all you're worth.
Joel: Hey sirs, what's up?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
Dr. Forrester: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.
Tom Servo: This is a story about a robot named Crow. Can you guess what Crow has been thinking? Crow has been thinking hard... or as hard as he can think anyway... on how the satellite has been so darn clean. It wasn't clean this morning, so think hard, Crow. Think really hard Crow - you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a brain and...
Crow T. Robot: Hey, knock it off!
Tom Servo: [as different images of Gypsy are shown] Oh, sorry. Ah, yes. Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego? Who debugs the massive computer control center because our own feeble brains can't add fractions? Who provides the water in which you could bathe your filthy oil-stained carcass? Who goes on mind-bendingly dangerous missions on the outside in cold unforgiving space while you sit cozy sipping cocoa and watching Tiny Toons? Pinch yourself hard, Mr. Robot. You deserve it. You think you're all sunshine and goodness, but you're just dirt between the toes of an evil troll. That's right. Who periodically changes the plutonium rods in the nuclear bowels deep inside the nuclear reactor of the ship while you sit feasting on gooey handfuls of Fiddle Faddle and play hopscotch and marbles and spring in the...
Crow T. Robot: Hey just a darn blasting minute. What are you trying to do, lay it all on me? You're the laziest robot I've ever seen!
Tom Servo: Oh, I see, It's me now is it. It's too painful to look into the deep dark truthful mirror, eh. You make me sick.
Crow T. Robot: [as Gypsy enters] I thought you looked sick but it's always hard to tell with you.
[both see Gypsy]
Crow T. Robot: I gotta go clean my room now.
Tom Servo: I gotta go clean his room too.
[a man in a fantasy movie pulls an arrow out of his chest]
Crow T. Robot: Luckily this is before death was invented.
Thug: They are aware of our plans.
Crow: I got... sort of... chatty.
Crow: I'll give you a cookie, if you shut up!
Mike Nelson: The director boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness.
Akronos: When it seems that nature herself is unwilling to accompany you any further, then you'd have reached the domain of Ator.
Tom Servo: Canada?
Pearl Forrester: Mike, your movie this week stars nobody and features nothing.
Crow T. Robot: Will you stop being evil over my shoulder?
Crow: [Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag] Loser status confirmed!
Tom Servo: Please... eat... me!
Crow T. Robot: Hooker's a good cop!
Joel: I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!
Crow: It wasn't amnesia I had... it was Ambrosia.
Crow: Make a wish, baby...
[Little boy rides away]
Driver: Take Care.
Joel: Don't forget to ride towards traffic.
Tom Servo: Why do we have to pray for the mads?
Joel: Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen.
Dr. Forrester: We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us!
Mike Nelson: Shoot the film first, ask questions later.
Crow T. Robot: So far his greatest adversary has been a ladder.
Joel: Ice cream. I LOVE THIS PARTY.
Tom Servo: At this point, I think the movie just threw up it's hands and said "Oh I just don't know"
Crow: My breasts led me here.
Crow T. Robot: Mind if I smell your daughter?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough.
Tom Servo: This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.
Joel: Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: What about "Side Hackers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Cave Dwellers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Catalina Caper"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Pod people"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Hell Cats"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Joel: "Daddy-O"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocket Attack USA"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Earth vs. the Spider"?
Tom Servo: Oh, definitely worse!
Crow T. Robot: "Ring of Terror"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "It Conquered the World"?
Tom Servo: Uh... yeah, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Lost Continent"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: You're really stupid if you get hit by a car AFTER the Apocalypse.
Dr. Forrester: Accept the pain Frank! Accept the pain!
Mike Nelson: Hey, Hal, why don't you go on break?
TV's Frank: That's right, we've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to you.
Tom Servo: High speed aggressive non-action.
Joel: If you don't understand it, shoot it.
Crow T. Robot: I've been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it's awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. "Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What's in those barrels anyway?"
Tom Servo: Her coffee table was purchased with the souls of young girls. About eight I think.
[zooming in, we see the moon become grainy and out of focus]
Crow: [dumbstruck] Th-THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!
Tom Servo: Y'know, Mike, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.
Cook: They give you a thousand bucks to join, and a thousand bucks when it's over.
Tom Servo: That's at least a thousand bucks.
Joel: Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling!
Dr. Forrester: Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks!
Joel: Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP!
Dr. Forrester: Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you...
Joel: Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad.
Dr. Forrester: Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman.
Mike Nelson: The doctor dresses like an off-duty Denny's manager.
Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. Forrester: It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!
Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. Forrester: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.
Crow T. Robot: Hmm, Coke, Sprite, Pepto Bismol, United Airlines... Steve Guttenburg...
Sister Ann: DRIVE! DRIVE
Crow T. Robot: Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so.
Tom Servo: Meanwhile, on a plastic set somewhere...
Joel: Even the Monster's badly dubbed.
TV's Frank: [strapped to a table] No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!
Dr. Forrester: And no drooling this time!
[to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.
Dr. Forrester: Nelson! A recent study by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle revealed that, and Frank quotes...
TV's Frank: Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure. Unquote.
Dr. Forrester: Obviously the cuter the pet the lower the heart-rate... Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet! It will make you so placid, so care-free, that I'll be able to rule the world and you won't even notice! You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?
TV's Frank: And his name is... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Oh, yes, and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been! Oh, yes you are!
Dr. Forrester: That's right, NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Yes, you are, little nummy, isn't he cute, Frank? I... it out-does the kitty cat, runs circles around the Easter Bunny, and makes Snuggles the fabric-softening bear look like Penn Jillette.
Crow: I'm Sheriff Pink.
Tom Servo: You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth... Okay, mixed with a little fiction... Alright, I'm lying my butt off...
[repeated line]
[a character looks directly at the camera]
Crow T. Robot: What do you, the viewers at home, think?
Mike Nelson: You know Krankor, I want you to leave.
Krankor: Oh, do you? Well, you may be interested to know that I have already conquered your puny satellite and that you have no defense against me.
Mike Nelson: Ahh.
Krankor: [terrified] : Oh, please don't hurt me. Don't hit, don't hit.
Dr. Forrester: Yippe cay yay, mamajama.
Dr. Forrester: I don't want to talk about it
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!
Dr. Forrester: You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, my God!
Dr. Forrester: Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: There are hundreds!
Dr. Forrester: I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: In the Mad Scientist Mobile?
Dr. Forrester: No, the... the Austin.
Mike Nelson: Well I think Ed Wood has directed himself into a corner here.
Tom Servo: They're not dead, they're just 'metaphysically challenged'.
Gypsy: Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Yes?
Gypsy: I don't get you!
Crow T. Robot: Oh.
Gypsy: Are you mad?
Crow T. Robot: [gruffly] NO!
Crow T. Robot: No.
Gypsy: Good. Because I want to like you, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.
Crow T. Robot: Sure... Uh... What's not to get, though Gypsy? I just am. I hang out.
Gypsy: Ohh. Oh. I know. It's just that, well, you know, I don't really get you.
Crow T. Robot: Well, okay... Maybe I can help. To start with, uh, I'm a robot. I use cyber-based bubble memory. Is THAT what's confusing you?
Gypsy: Uhh... No.
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I work off UNIX and can use a variety of operating systems?
Gypsy: Uhh... I guess that's a start...
Crow T. Robot: Well... I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom culminating in my current Zarasthustrian sense of self. Is that it?
Gypsy: Nooo... If that helps you, its good, but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy! I don't know what... Is it that I often panic when making sandwiches?
Gypsy: Yeah! Well maybe its that kind of thing...
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I smell conspiracy in everything and I don't know what I mean most of the time?
Gypsy: Uh, that's perhaps a small piece of the puzzle... but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy... Is it an odor?
Gypsy: No. Well... No. Well... maybe it's TOM I don't get!
Crow T. Robot: [losing it] Ohhhh brother! Like a Zippo lighter without any flint!
Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
Son: I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.
Dad: Nonsense.
Joel: He hated you.
Dad: Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.
Crow T. Robot: He got sent to jail for it.
Crow T. Robot: What is this, the airplane of Dr. Caligari?
Crow T. Robot: It's the newest sport, Grandpa dunking.
Crow T. Robot: On behalf of all girls, none of us is going to the dance with you.
Crow: You've never heard of the "Getting Some" clause?
Tom Servo: Hey, Mike, is that Satan's butt? Oh, no, wait, it's that guy's face.
Mike Nelson: [about a man who just had his arm ripped off] And ironically he collapses into an arm chair
Judge Clara: Their answer is summed up in two callous words...
Crow T. Robot: Bor-ing.
Crow T. Robot: [impersonating the film's doctor] Here, let me punch you in the sternum to simulate the pain.
Badool: My name is Badool
Crow: No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.
Badool: Can you say "Badool"?
Pearl Forrester: Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't
Crow T. Robot: Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead.
Dr. Forrester: Alright, we've all just seen the film "Earth Vs. Soup". How many people didn't like the film? Didn't like the film, or just didn't care for it? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so all! All didn't like the film. Okay. How many people did like the film? They liked the film? Cindy, you didn't like the film, and now you have your hand about half-way up, so maybe you liked the film a little bit? Would that be correct? Okay, we'll get back to that. Okay, what about the film didn't you like? The film we just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup". What was it about you didn't like, or didn't care for? Say, the plot? Or... yes, Gary.
Gary: Uh, the plot?
Dr. Forrester: The plot, Gary didn't like the plot. How many other people didn't like the plot? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so, we all didn't like the plot. Why? Why didn't we like the plot? What was it about that we didn't like? Doug, why didn't you like the plot?
Doug: I liked the plot, it was just too short.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, you thought it was too short! Okay. What were your favorite characters from the film? If you had one favorite character, who would that character be? The film you just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup", a favorite character such as Mike? Uh... Cindy, yes.
Cindy: Mike.
Dr. Forrester: Cindy liked Mike. How many other people liked Mike? By show of hands, one-two-three, okay, three people liked Mike, alright. How many people have an allergic reaction to shellfish? Allergic reaction or...
Tony: A mild reaction.
Dr. Forrester: A mild reaction to shellfish. So, Tony, would this keep you from recommending this film to a friend?
Tony: Yes.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it would, yes it would. Because you don't like shellfish. You wouldn't wanna see shellfish in a movie. Okay. What if the soup were a different kind of soup, say it was a chicken stock, or, or something, would you recommend it to a friend if it was a potato soup? Yes? Okay. Cindy, uh, you had your hand...
Cindy: I don't like soup.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, that's right, you're the one who doesn't like soup. What's that Gary? Oh, Gary would like a sandwich! Hahahahaha... How many people would like to have seen Julia Ormond naked? Julia... one-two-three-four, so about half, half would like to see Julia Ormond naked. Um... if you had a rat-cage strapped to your face...
Pearl Forrester: Uh-kay, guys, we've got a lot got a lot of work to do, we had sixty eight percent walk outs, we have to get those numbers down. Also, seventy four percent of the audience didn't like the character of Cruella De Vil, and even though the character wasn't in the movie, we have to change those numbers.
Dr. Forrester: would you like to see more crackers in the movie? The big kind of crackers, or the small oyster crackers?
Doug: Saltine?
Dr. Forrester: Saltines? Yes, good, excellent.
TV's Frank: Eww, look at all the poo.
Crow T. Robot: Do not use sharp objects for three weeks after viewing this movie.
Crow T. Robot: The Coast Guard, for men too chicken to join the Navy!
Mike Nelson: And with that cryptic comment, I'm going to bed.
[a character finds an old drunk in a barn]
Tom Servo: Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?
[characters pile into a car]
Mike Nelson: We've gotta get out of this movie, step on it!
Tom Servo: You can look me in the bubble and say that?
TV's Frank: Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."
[a chocolate bunny is in a miniature guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head, Frank.
[repeated line]
Mike Nelson: We've got movie signs!
Crow T. Robot: It's a talking wheel chair.
Crow: [sigh] Surprise ending written and conceived by a tube-worm.
Tom Servo: [mimicking the hero] Huh, she sucks. Of course, everyone sucks compared to me, I should give her a break.
Tom Servo: Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send a killer vampire into the crowd.
Phantom of Krankor: What a fool.
Tom Servo: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? HA.
Pearl Forrester: A mother has got to support her son no matter what a loser he is.
Dr. Forrester: [planning on injecting Lawrence] Now, let's see... It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit... Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?
Mike Nelson: [looking in book] So these are the catch-phrases I can choose from?
Crow: Yep. Oh, here's a good one! "Kiss off, slappy!"
Mike Nelson: Nah, that's not really me. Oh, here's one that oughta get the kids going! "We're all out of toner!"
Mike Nelson: [slightly unsure] Uh, "Don't run on my wet floor?"
Mike Nelson: [very unsure now] "Secretary... please read off the m-minutes from... "
Crow: Oh, geez...
Tom Servo: Pathetic! Mike, knock it off!
Mike Nelson: Oh, Pearl's calling!
Tom Servo: I said, cut it out, Mike!
Mike Nelson: No, see, she is! See?
Tom Servo: Oh, yeah, sorry!
[reading credits]
Mike Nelson: Leon Leon?
Crow: He had the laziest, most unimaginative parents in the WORLD.
[as an ugly man dances onscreen]
Mike Nelson: Oh, I was trying to get through the movie without thinking about his hips, and now this!
Joel: Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom Servo: What's a "doggie do"?
Crow T. Robot: What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...
Joel: Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow T. Robot: hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...
Crow: [during a song number] Heck, when they said amateur night they weren't kidding.
Tom Servo: I am a fugative from a slumber party.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [explaining how he went mad] And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!
Dr. Forrester: Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Hey! Tell me how you went mad, now!
Dr. Forrester: Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Was that when you went mad?
Dr. Forrester: No, it's when I became a scientist.
Crow: Oh, Gypsy, we're giving you a shower.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, she's surprised. Isn't that darling?
Gypsy: Well, I'm not getting married. Am I pregnant?
Crow: Ooo. I bet that would taste great with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own HEAD with drawn butter.
Crow: Lets go cream some fish.
Adam: He's not dead, I have these papers...
Crow: Proving he's not dead!
Adam: He's in a state of suspended animation.
Mike Nelson: Santa came down from heaven and made him better!
Mr. Duvall: I just thought I'd take my morning constitutional...
Tom Servo: EW! He went on the beach?
Crow: That was an official thing I just did.
Joel: The plot's starting to make sense, RUN.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...this Clay.
Dr. Forrester: Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let me up, it hurts!
Dr. Forrester: It's supposed to hurt. It's science!
Joel: "City Limits"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "War of the Colossal Beast"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Amazing Colossal Man"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Fugitive Alien"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Uhh... "Master Ninja"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Oh really? "Gamera"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Zigra"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: ...vs. Baragon"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Guiron"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!
Tom Servo: OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
Tom Servo: Damn. Hobbits.
Crow T. Robot: In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.
Joel: [seeing Ro-Man] That ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe... I rest my case
Crow: The only response to this film is pure, unbridled hate.
Tom Servo: And so the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying RAT.
Tom Servo: Well, there's a lot of congestion on the highway, so you might want to consider an alternate route. Like, down the side of a steep mountain.
Crow: Heckel and Jeckel in the Ten Commandments.
Mike Nelson: Apparently the story is none of our business.
Crow: Put a sock in it, Legolas.
Tom Servo: Wow, they're establishing the hell out of this building here.
[a character starts to strangle another character]
Mike Nelson: It's my incessent droning, isn't it?
Crow T. Robot: I don't think it's a good idea to kill someone when they're driving.
Crow: The Queen Mother could heat up a room more than this.
Tom Servo: Yea. I've seen sexier girdle ads.
Mike Nelson: C'mon! Dead people know what's gonna happen here!
Crow T. Robot: Whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer.
Tom Servo: You know, it's economical to not have a storyline, that way you can just film people saying stuff.
Crow T. Robot: Like a bird... like a plane! Like an idiot!
Dr. Forrester: Oh you'll have to excuse me, things have been a little hectic down here this week. You see, my mother's coming to visit, and well, we've redecorated in her honor. She's the one person in my life who's responsible for my deep psychological scar and naturally I wanted the place to look nice for her. Oh, I'm going to send you along some material that I want you to say to her when she gets here. You do a good job and I'll show you my appreciation by not killing you.
Crow: I'm going to read you parts of "The Picture of Dorian Gray", and I want you to be honest with me.
Pearl Forrester: Look, I found Frank's head while I was cleaning out the closet.
Dr. Forrester: No, that's just an extra one he kept around.
Tom Servo: I figure he'll get bored and die, and then I will rule!
Crow T. Robot: As your president, allow me to apologize for not having seen this invasion coming.
Mike Nelson: [on the bad guys inability to kill the hero] Too bad they set their phasers to miss.
Tom Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow giant white thing?
[repeated line]
Mike/Joel and Robots: We've got movie sign.
Servo: Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy...
Joel: What do you mean, Servo?
Servo: Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown!
Joel: Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender.
Servo: Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed!
Tom Servo: Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!
Crow T. Robot: I did it!
Crow T. Robot: Dear Diary: Once again the fat guy got the bed...
Tom Servo: Joel, you magnificent bastard, I read your menu.
Joel: You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave.
Mike Nelson: His suit is made of pressed oatmeal.
Crow: Fight direction by William Shatner.
Gypsy: Remember, my gumball-headed young friend...
Crow: Let's see... Boys life, Highlights, Popular Sceince... My own autopsy report.
Mike Nelson: Hey, look, behind Longbone, there's Waldo!
[Watching Betty the acrobat swinging on a circus-swing]
Tom Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways.
Crow T. Robot: Make sure your parting is gouged into your skull
Joel: Try not get sucked into the vortex of hell.
[Crow tries in vain to hurry along a tensionless scene: ]
Launch Controller: Ten. Nine. Eight...
Crow: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. One.
Launch Controller: Seven...
Crow: One.
Launch Controller: Six...
Crow: One!
Launch Controller: Five...
Crow: ONE!
Pearl Forrester: Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!
Pearl Forrester: And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.
Dr. Forrester: Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...
Pearl Forrester: Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.
Dr. Forrester: So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.
Crow T. Robot: What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!
Pearl Forrester: Huh.
Dr. Forrester: Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"
Crow T. Robot: Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!
Mike Nelson: Hey!
Crow T. Robot: You guys are gonna be in my movie!
Mike Nelson: Alright, yeah.
Pearl Forrester: And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.
Crow T. Robot: Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?
Pearl Forrester: Well, again guys, this is the big time.
Tom Servo: Hi, everyone, kind of a tough moment. We just tapped into earth's geneology records and discovered the cause of this simian holocaust. You see, virtually every single one of Mike's decendants married apes!
Mike Nelson: Come on, all my grandkids?
Crow: Yep.
Mike Nelson: What about great grandchildren?
Crow: Checking... yes! Francis Nelson married a macaque, otherwise they all married great apes.
Tom Servo: You can see why he's upset folks.
Crow: Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!
Mike Nelson: Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!
Crow: Oh it was quite unusual... hey hey hey hey, here's a Wilburt H. Nelson who married a Sara Thompson of Oak Park Illinois. Uh Ohhh... seems he kept an aye aye in an apartment downtown. Ha hoo hoo, this is not pretty stuff. Here's a W.D. Nelson who married eight times... silverbacked gorilla, one two and three, then he picked up a penchant for a bonobo and married those four times before wedding a japanese snow monkey on a day before...
Mike Nelson: OK, OK Crow, I think everyones heard enough. I think we all get the point.
Crow: Mike I think I speak for all of us when I say... GOOD ONE NELSON!
Tom Servo: I'm locking up my sock monkey, I'll give you that much for free.
Mike Nelson: Look, we've been married for 25 years, at least let me get to 2nd base.
Crow: Note to self: Never vacation on an active volcano.
Sister Ann: Let's do this thing.
Tom Servo: What? Here? Now? I mean, I want to do it, but WOW!
Crow: I wonder if there's beer on the sun?
Mike Nelson: Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character!
Crow: The ONLY end, my friend.
Mike Nelson: Ya, and the children are all insane, right?
Crow T. Robot: None of this would have happened if chemistry weren't required
Tom Servo: I'm sorry these two didn't end up together.
Mike Nelson: They did.
Tom Servo: Oh, then I'm sorry about that.
Mike Nelson: I've never driven with my blood alcohol under 2 before. It's really easy!
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: What do you WANT from us? We're EVIL. EVIL.
Crow T. Robot: How many of God's laws does this violate?
Mike Nelson: This movie is crediting the entire United States person-by-person!
Tom Servo: Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel: Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, so you burn it every night?
Joel: Oh, don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!
Crow T. Robot: Well, just come to see what you've done with all the grant money...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, my God!
Crow T. Robot: Each box has a piece of Sid Melton in it
Tom Servo: Uh, can I have that back? I kinda' need it, it's my neck.
Crow: Hey hotshot, you ever used a tranquilizer gun RECTALLY before?
[during an interminable opening monologue]
Dr. 'Z' Leopold: It's been a long twenty years.
Tom Servo: Hell, it's been a long twenty MINUTES.
Edward: It's about the aztec breastplate and bracelet, gentlemen
Joel: I put them on at night and dance.
Joel: He fell him like a mighty oak.
Crow T. Robot: Hey check out Pee Wee's evil brother on the right.
Joel: Ok Gypsy, what's one plus one?
Gypsy: [Long pause] Richard Baseheart!
Joel: What? He kills him by waving a rusty tailpipe at his face?
Mike Nelson: I'm Sheriff Character Actor.
Tom Servo: Beseech this.
Crow T. Robot: Let's go kill something we don't understand.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well done.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. Forrester: Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: This is beautiful!
Dr. Forrester: Yup. Yeah, well.
Dr. Forrester: Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?
Joel: Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?
Dr. Forrester: Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We just write it off as gas.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.
Crow T. Robot: Thank you Officer Platitude.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. Forrester: Did you wear your disguise?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not good in heels!
Dr. Forrester: No-one must know we're down here doing this. Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment anyway. Come in Joelie Poelie Puneit pie!
Crow T. Robot: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?
Tom Servo: Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have been known to work. And then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow T. Robot: I remember that. All of us together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time, like Moses and the Israelites.
Tom Servo: Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow T. Robot: [imitating Goliath] Gee Davey, do you think it was... God?
Tom Servo: Oh, teen-age youth, as opposed to the teen-age elderly?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that.
Crow: My hair challenges yours to a fight!
Mike Nelson: I think controlling her will might involve a sloe gin and a Corvette.
Tom Servo: Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend, so I could see the CLOSET?
Mike Nelson: Ah. You clever bastard, so the editor is working with you.
Dr. Forrester: [on the electric bag pipes] I love it! Look, Larry's cornias are bleeding!
Joel: Don't trust a guy with a dumb crayola hat.
Crow T. Robot: They've broken our code! And the sergeant was a grasshopper undercover!
TV's Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses you dink.
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, your movie this week is proceeded by a little piece of tripe that's very close to my own heart. It's called "The Phantom Creeps" and it stars our old friend Bela Lugosi as a lovable but fractured mad scientist. Bad print, bad sound, bad for you. Deal with it, joyless prole.
Mike Nelson: Your everyday annoyances should not be filmed.
Crow: Yeah, he can sense danger. A Post-It note could sense danger better than this guy.
Crow: Enjoy your (hehe) drink?
Crow T. Robot: I think we've analyzed the plot more than the writers did.
Crow: After his near death experience, Dirk learns a new appreciation for smut.
Crow: Ya' know, if we PRETEND we know whats going on, this is actually kind of exciting.
Doomsday Satellite: Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.
Crow T. Robot: Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!
Joel: It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.
Tom Servo: Try ego!
Crow T. Robot: Sideburns!
Joel: I'll try "I, Robot."
Doomsday Satellite: [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.
Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot: [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh?
Joel: This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!
Crow T. Robot: Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?
Tom Servo: Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!
Joel: This is TERRIBLE guys.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.
Tom Servo: Bending metal doors, no problem, subduing stocky senior citizens, that's another story.
Mike Nelson: You could shave with her voice.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] I think I'll file this thing for you As I always seem to do I like working for you Clay cuz you're a really neat guy
Joel: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy.
Tom: Maybe this is a chick film and we just don't get it.
Crow: Natural born cheapskates.
[the movie suddenly goes black]
Crow: Are we dead, Mike?
Crow: This film DARES you to watch it.
Crow T. Robot: Meanwhile, back at the Cody Institute for Scientists Who Get Pummeled...
Tom Servo: [upon seeing a college student writing something] Lets see, uh, "If my demands are not met, the screams of those who have wronged me and the smell of burning flesh will fill the student union."
Crow: Is the first stage of grief pure unbridled joy?
Tom Servo: Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M!
Joel: [administering oxygen] Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again.
Crow T. Robot: Never use a trampoline with unstable TNT in your pocket.
Joel: [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
TV's Frank: Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.
Joel: They're like Klingons without the kling.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Is it working for you?
Dr. Forrester: Shh! Oh, we're on. Did you see the ratings from last week's show? They went up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Against the Super Bowl! I don't get it! The hot levels were out of this world, too. We've got to send him something really awful this week. What do you have?
Dr. Forrester: Well, I'd like to shake hands with the man who can think his way around this film. It's another Sandy Frank epic, this time from Chechylslovakia. Even Joelie's mother couldn't watch this thing.
Joel: Always get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power.
Crow: Oh no Klein, Don't take off you clothes.
Joel: I'd love an open sewer.
[a character trips]
Tom Servo: Plot hole!
Crow T. Robot: Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...
Tom Servo: Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...
Joel: Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [wearing "no d" glasses] Ahh, ahh. Aah, aah! These glasses are great! It looked like it was coming right at me!
Dr. Forrester: It was! I just threw it at you, you idiot!
Mrs. Snow: Poor Mickey...
Tom Servo: You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, poor Mickey.
Crow T. Robot: Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look!
Michael: See? You're feeling better already.
Joel: Rolling in the filthill do that for you
Drunk: You can't buy enough booze to make me go for you.
Mike Nelson: But could you try?
Joel: Who are you? Where are we? Could we get a frame of reference or something. PLEASE?
Max keller: I guess you can't respect what you can't understand.
Tom Servo: I don't respect why this movie was made.
Gypsy: Tom, I don't get you.
Tom Servo: Nobody does. I'm the wind, baby.
Dr. Darwin: OK, let's keep this short.
Crow: Oh, why start now?
Joel: This scene's so gross even the lighting guy left
Mike Nelson: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo.
Tom Servo: Something vague this way comes.
Crow: I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."
[two men are thrown into a wall that visibly shakes, revealing it's false]
Mike Nelson: The wall didn't bend, ignore that.
General: War, is such a waste of life.
Tom Servo: You know, that line makes me stop and think... about how much better a root canal would be then this movie!
Marge: Help.
Mike Nelson: I need somebody.
Marge: Help me.
Mike Nelson: Not just anybody.
Marge: HELP.
Mike Nelson: You know I need someone.
Tom Servo: Here, be sure to drink it all, sometimes the poison is on the bottom.
Dr. Forrester: In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy.
Pearl Forrester: Quiet, you fool. I found the ancient family diary of the Forrester clan. It's fascinating. Ancient numbers for ancient bookies. Topaz Wallingford Thiesenstein Forrester really knew how to play the ponies. And here, 1,000 year old malt liquor labels. And an antediluvian form of chicken-in-a-biscuit called Her Majesty's Fool's Hen Cracklebread. What a rich and marvelous past. What's this? Apparently, my ancestors have always been involved in odd experiments. Amethyst Rogento Forrester trapped a man in a cave and pushed in bad paintings of the hunt. Emerald Montgomery Forrester trapped a man on an island and forced him to read poorly done parchments and... and, could this be... Adventerine Sowbodaford Forrester trapped a man in a tree and told him really bad sagas... it's incredible. I have a feeling I'm on to something here, Nelson... some power, some force beyond my control. And it doesn't look good for you. Ha ha ha ha.
Observer: I think you're getting off the point just a tad, you might want...
Pearl Forrester: Cower, world. Tremble, world. Run and mule and puke in terror, world. Ready. Haaarch.
Joel: Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package...
Mike Nelson: Okay, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.
Tom Servo: Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear.
Tom Servo: Suddenly the Twist and Crcme seemed a much darker place.
Adam: How did you know I was here?
Woman: I saw the flash light.
Crow: Plus you were crashing around like a drunk elephant.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he must mean David More.
Tom Servo: No, he's on TV-4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More on 4.
Tom Servo: No, that's a black gospel singing group.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More by 4.
Tom Servo: Isn't that an off road truck?
Tom Servo: No, that's a 4 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.
Tom Servo: No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.
Joel: Boy, Gamera's gonna need an emissions test, pronto.
Mike Nelson: You know, I'm a little vague on what you are talking about.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I... I can't wait. I want you to open your gift now.
TV's Frank: Great idea, Pete! As a matter of fact uh, I picked you up a little something myself.
Dr. Forrester: Uh... For me? You shouldn't have.
TV's Frank: It was nothing, really.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank. No, it's the thought that counts. I, I know that you think that I'm probably just a cold-hearted jerk without an ounce of self-respect for myself or anyone else, but on the other hand...
TV's Frank: Merry Christmas, Dr. Forrester.
Dr. Forrester: Merry Christmas, Frank... Oh, Frank! What a lovely watch-band! This must have set you back a pretty penny.
TV's Frank: Well actually I uh, didn't have any money, so I took the liberty of hawking your Rolex and... to pay for that...
Dr. Forrester: You... hawked my Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's... It's called "Final Exit". I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Oh Henry.
Dr. Forrester: Well, until next time, bumpus.
TV's Frank: God bless us, everyone.
Mike Nelson: The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard.
Boss: I always knew leadership was important dad, but I never thought about it n connection with my own business. But come Monday things will be different.
[we cut to a meeting on Monday]
Joel: We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me. You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?
Joel: Lets go get some tuna safe dolphin
Mike Nelson: What would Liberace do? Uh, I better not do that.
Crow: I have terminal enchantment right now.
Crow: Are we in this scene, or are we supposed to be back with the mole-people?
Crow T. Robot: Could you get your stomach off my desk please?
Tom Servo: Okay, I'm nude and I'm still trapped in the castle.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you just invented the rowboat.
[Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"]
Tom Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.
[repeated line]
Mike Nelson: Cambot, give me rocket number nine.
Mike Nelson: Employees must wash tongues before returning to work.
Judy: [as she is shoveling bacon into her mouth] Mmm, I just love it when it's so warm and crispy!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, evidently.
TV's Frank: You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank
Dr. Forrester: Why's that Frank?
TV's Frank: Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...
Dr. Forrester: Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!
TV's Frank: Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?
Dr. Forrester: No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!
Crow: Come child labor. Kids. I mean kids.
Joel: [exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay?
Dr. Darwin: A blank brain.
Crow: [brainwashed] Hooray for socks.
Detective: Now what can we do for you Mr Romaine?
Crow: Make me a salad.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, she's got her hair on sideways.
Crow: This guy does not know how to make a normal entrance.
Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...
Joel: Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo: Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...
Joel: Huh?
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Um... well, hilarity, anyway.
Joel: I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.
Kathy: My father's dead.
Tom Servo: That's too bad. Now PICK UP!
Scientist in movie: Oh no...
Crow: The thing we're looking for is COMING, oh no...
Joel: Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours. Their use of stock footage is amazing.
Tom Servo: Please, God, say "The End".
Dr. Forrester: Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!
Dr. Forrester: I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!
Joel: That is so hateful.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thanks
Dr. Forrester: Thaaaaaannnnnk you.
Joel: It's an army of Porto-potties.
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.
Manfred: Mind you, everyone blamed Hargrove.
All: We blame you, Hargrove.
Mike Nelson: Look, just cos he's a mutated pile of goo doesn't mean he's dead!
Mike Nelson: You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: But Captain Mike...
Mike Nelson: Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: Agonizer, agonizer... Where the heck did I put that doohickey?
Mike Nelson: It's right there on your belt.
Crow T. Robot: No. No, that's not it.
Mike Nelson: It is, too.
Crow T. Robot: Nope...
[Crow is dressed as Mary Tyler Moore, but Mike "Ted Baxter" Nelson and Tom "Lou Grant" Servo refuse to treat him as Mary Richards]
Crow: [angrily] I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile.
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!
Dr. Forrester: We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!
Tom Servo: Y'ah know I'm good at this. I should have started killing long ago.
Joel: By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.
Crow: It's the all idiot channel.
Crow: This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's dream of becoming a filmmaker.
Crow T. Robot: She doesn't have a brain... she'd make a good news anchor.
Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick, and I like Morgan Stewart's "Coming Home".
Crow T. Robot: Can we break your hat open now and eat the popcorn?
Tom Servo: So what if your clone is a hard-drinking, hard-living clone?
Crow: We need your liver to keep your CLONE alive.
Crow T. Robot: Booze. It's what's for dinner.
Crow: [on a freaky nightmare] This is what happened when I took NyQuill and sudafed together.
Tom Servo: He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.
Tom Servo: Hey mom, tell us about hell again.
Mike Nelson: You know Ed Wood agonized over this scene.
Crow T. Robot: And now we are.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, sweet information superhighway. What bring you me from the far reaches of cyberspace?
Crow T. Robot: With all my parts, I could've made an excellent vacuum-cleaner. Instead, it's the movies that suck!
Tom Servo: Since when did NASA paint anything red?
Dr. Forrester: What do you *want* from us? We're *evil*. Evil!
Crow T. Robot: Let's get the dog drunk next.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Mikey! 'Botsie-poos! Say, you know what TV's Frank and I have been getting into lately? Voodoo! Yes, it's the safe, economical way to inflict evil on the world!
Tom Servo: Ah, they clear cut a virgin forest so people could make out.
Mike Nelson: I wish I had the slightest idea of what the hell I was doing.
Crow: This looks like it was filmed in Mordor.
Mike Nelson: The movie that takes the bold step of not including the audience.
[as Joe Esteveze stands guard]
Mike Nelson: If you see Martin, shoot to kill.
[after a bunch of soldiers were piled up and eaten by a monster]
Tom Servo: What kind of memorial do we build to those guys?
Tom Servo: From the director who brought you that earlier stuff, more of the same!
Pearl Forrester: You're out of order.
Bobo: I'm not out of order. YOU'RE out of order. This court room is out of order, the system is out of order, the candy machine in the hallway is out of order!
Crow T. Robot: Oh, You taste like a fat drunk Russian.
Joel: I think this movie just broke the goofy-meter.
Crow T. Robot: Oh I hate when they talk during the movie
Mike Nelson: Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?
Gypsy: I put them in a safe place.
Mike Nelson: Okay, and where's that?
Gypsy: Some place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.
Tom Servo: So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?
[reading the list of bands in a movie]
Mike Nelson: Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
Tom Servo: [singing] I feel trembly, oh so shaky, I've had whiskey and vodka and gin.
Tom Servo: Lack of muscle beach.
Mike Nelson: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
Observer: [studying Mike] His humid, fleshy extensions struggle as he attempts to conquer some simple, seemingly purposeless toy. Already a sense of pity overcomes me, yet I am propelled by my own compassion. Although his biological makeup implies a living thing, I am sure we shall discover him to be an animated piece of refuse or feces; but I must remain impartial even as he mocks everything I hold dear. I hate him. I can only pray that his tiny spinal column conveys no spark of truth, no splinter of the horrible reality that is his own soul. My god, I pray for his death and to all things that love rightness and decency...
Mike Nelson: Is their any way we could stay alive AND evade the police?
Mike Nelson: [the hero is stuck in a tree] Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.
Crow: He's like poo alright.
Tom Servo: Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.
Crow T. Robot: My God! They've done it! They've done it! They've reached the... side.
Mike Nelson: Please do not surcumb to the urge to eat each other.
Stewardess: Welcome aboard.
Crow T. Robot: You're in the part of the plane that falls off.
Tom Servo: Hey! I've got it! We could just shot 'em!
Mike Nelson: Fonzi ace of spies.
Crow T. Robot: I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling.
Nick: Hello, Mrs. Hinez...
Crow: How's your ketchup empire?
[repeated line]
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: What do you think Joelrini?
Joel: Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.
Gypsy: Hey get this, they're steam cleaning the horses.
[During a low-angle shot of Jo Don Baker]
Tom Servo: Gah! I don't wanna' be down here!
Joel: I "have" performed surgery once before, and although the person didn't survive I feel confident.
Crow T. Robot: [as character pulls magazines out of a newsstand in the background] Well, let's see - "Rubber Fantasy", "Latex World", "Butt Biters", and "NewsWeek" - that'll do.
Yole: Now that the Golden Fleece is gone, he must officiate.
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: That no one can hear you laugh!
[manically laughs]
Joel: Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester: Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.
[cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian: [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine
Russian Comedian: How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts
[Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian: thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel: Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester: Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Joel: Really?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.
[evil laugh]
Crow T. Robot: What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel: Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo: Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies
[Picks up a stack of tapes]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!
Mike Nelson: [Ortega clumsily throws someone to the ground] Worst Katshu.
Crow: He looks like a cross between Jerry Mathers and James Dean.
Tom Servo: "Beaver Without A Cause".
Crow T. Robot: Breaker 1-9 for the big booty, we got a spam in the can and we'll catch you on the big bounce around. Over.
Joel: This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time.
General: Did you know flying a plane is like making love?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you have to pay?
Crow T. Robot: [mocking the hero] I'll be using this condescending tone until the mid-70's
Mike Nelson: If you're done degrading the human race, could we get on with the movie?
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Tom Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
Mike Nelson: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: That's what we're doing right now, bub.
Hamlet: No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Mike Nelson: Okay, we need a predicate now.
Hamlet: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: Whoa! That's an old chestnut.
Hamlet: [whispering] To sleep...
Tom Servo: [ditto] to sleeeep...
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM!
Crow: The impossible DREAM!
Hamlet: Ay! There's the rub!
Mike Nelson: I knew I had some rub left.
Hamlet: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely...
[Mike begins nodding head along with the list]
Hamlet: ... The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: He said bare bodkin!
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike Nelson: Fardels.
Flora: No, Edward! Don't do it!
Joel: Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look about as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look.
Tom Servo: As for these phantom 'breasts' Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say 'Phooey-Kaflooey!' Perhaps he has been in space TOO long!
Crow: Say, that's a good view of the fiery hell-beast.
Mike Nelson: In the future, geese will be rocket-powered.
[Mike appears in the theater after trying to strangle Bobo]
Crow: Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
Mike Nelson: Because I... hey.
Mike Nelson: Wow, this is weird, this happened to me. I was on a first date with a girl and her grandma killed someone. Dated the girl for a while though!
Mike Nelson: So a scientist gets his information from a minimum wage park services guy?
Tom Servo: A man was snapped at by a force-perspective puppet today...
Mike Nelson: I've never known more about what isn't happening in a movie.
Crow T. Robot: Joel? Joel?
Joel: Yeah Crow buddy?
Crow T. Robot: Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?
Tom Servo: They call me Mr Tibbs!
Gypsy: Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!
Magic Voice: From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...
Joel: That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.
Joel: Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer.
Crow T. Robot: Well, let's see... fourteen minutes to live. Wonder if I can get a pizza in that time?
Tom Servo: It's God roasted for great taste.
Mike Nelson: My wonderful discovery. Let's kill it.
Mike Nelson: [singing] I love tick infested hounds; slaughtering a deer; and beer.
Mike Nelson: Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.
[Ten minutes into the movie]
Crow: Oh, it's over, did that movie seem really long to you?
Tom Servo: Joel, if we ever get to be like these 'bots - please shut us down?
Tom Servo: Oh I hope they end up togther... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!
Ivan: You must have a very wicked stepmother.
Mike Nelson: Yep, standard issue.
Joel: ...Does this make me Mrs. Master of the earth?
Crow T. Robot: Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world.
Dr. Forrester: What? What are you saying? That you're the only one to come up with a Halloween costume by using stuff found around the house? I came up with this when you were back in short-pants! Can you guess what I am? Can ya guess? Well, by taking two lengths of ABS drainage tubing, and fastening them to my arms, and keeping my feet together really close, I go as the goalie of a foosball team! Huh! You get it?Frank? Huh?
TV's Frank: And by wearing this ordinary everyday Fram air-filter, I get to dress up as Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation, starring TV's Levar Burton. Kids, reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and...
Dr. Forrester: Thank you, Kunta Kinte. Well, your film this week, Joel, burns deep in the fine tradition of "Kramer Vs. Kramer", "Ollie Vs. Norton", "Kasparoff Vs. Karpoff", it's "Megalon Vs. Godzilla".
TV's Frank: It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and maybe, just maybe, teach you a little something about yourself. And kids, don't forget to read Godzilla Vs. the Velveteen Rabbit.
Crow: Yup, when you think of shocking horror, you think of German Oompah band music.
Crow: Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.
[a disgusting character enters a room]
Tom Servo: Don't turn on the light, don't turn on the light!
[He turns on the light]
Professor Bobo: Well, now we're all on the same page. Apes have taken over the world. Humans are an inferior species. Everything you have ever known or loved is no more... Well, your movie this week...
Narrator: He's the champion calf roper of senior high.
Crow: And next year's janitor.
Mike Nelson: You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.
Crow T. Robot: You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.
[Off to the left side of the screen, a car rolls off camera]
Tom Servo: Boy, the car will do anything to get out of the movie.
Crow: WOW. That's 10 pounds of butt in 5 pound butt-capacity pants.
Joel: Why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Because she got an arrow in her chest.
Tom Servo: You know, I'm at least as tense as I was during "A Very Brady Christmas".
Mike Nelson: [seeing a tree monster] Man, his performance is so wooden.
Nuveena: Well, get bent, you robot-loving turd!
Crow: You've got monster.
Crow T. Robot: Hot merging action!
Joel: Oh, my goodness, they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.
Dr. Forrester: The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.
TV's Frank: Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!
Dr. Forrester: and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.
TV's Frank: And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.
TV's Frank: And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!
Dr. Forrester: What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.
TV's Frank: Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!
Dr. Forrester: Run it through again, Frank.
TV's Frank: Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.
Tom Servo: I don't think I'll be able to get to *slee* tonight!
Bobo: Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.
Mike Nelson: Well, again we're doomed.
Crow: Five hours of staring at a window finally pays off.
Tom Servo: The huge, huge, face!
Crow: He's being compelled to hold a skull against his neck.
Mike Nelson: He enjoys pantaloons more than he should
Joel: Action sequences filmed in "Confus-o-vision"
Tom Servo: Thoughts of sex distracted me and now I have to immolate myself to subdue the buzzing in my head.
Reggie: It's like a million to one shot that we'll ever be seen
Crow T. Robot: Oh, they're on Comedy Central.
[Joel starts the show while Crow is in a cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hi, everybody. I'm Joel Robinson. Welcome to the... show.
[notices Crow]
Joel: Say, Tom. What's with the Crow-In-the-Box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's body temperature down to absolute zero!
Joel: [shocked] Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It'll cause a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on thick gloves and opens the chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! I'm gotcha!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and bumps Crow's head. Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel.
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together either.
Joel: They just watched a man get tongued to death
Mike Nelson: My destiny sucks, it's a swamp.
Dr. Forrester: [while badly wounded] No... wait... I'm alive... No, I'm dead. No... Yes... No, now I'm dead... Wait... I'm still alive... No... I'm dead... Wait, I can't die. I've got too much to live for! I've got my good friend Frank! I've got things, things that I've gotta do! I gotta live and laugh and love and live and embrace the world... I wanna live!... Oh, Joe! Hi! Wooh-ooh-oooh-ow! Ah, hurt! Aah! Oh, oooh...
Crow: [as Grampa Borgnine] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!
Richie Havens-Sounding Guy: [singing] Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...
Crow: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm *really* sashaying through the sarcasm.
Mike Nelson: I just want to remind you, this is a Northwest flight, so we'll be sitting in the tarmac for an hour, with no beverages, no air conditioning, and we're out of meals, and the flight attendants are overworked and abusive, and if you complain, we'll throw you off the flight.
Tom Servo: Is it too early to hate this guy?
Mike Nelson: All right, now watch how a MAN screams in horror.
Joel: Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Crow T. Robot: You're not my real father, Joel!
Tom Servo: Killed by a pencil.
[Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer]
Crow: Hey, Mike. Want a try?
[Mike samples the snack]
Mike Nelson: Mmmm, that's pretty good.
Crow: Try it with my special dipping sauce.
[Mike tries it with the dipping sauce]
Mike Nelson: Not bad.
[Tom comes in with his dome missing]
Tom Servo: Hey, that looks good! What is it?
Crow: Your head.
Joel: He thinks that ball's one of his pupils.
Akronas: When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth...
Crow: ...ask for Earl.
Crow: Come on Metamucil. Work your magic.
Tom Servo: That blast to the face kinda helped her diction.
Tom Servo: Mike, if I go into a coma while watching this movie, please do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.
Crow T. Robot: What's his obsession with traffic accidents?
Joel: Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four.
Mike Nelson: Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character.
Mike Nelson: Apparently, hoping it would go away didn't work.
Tom Servo: Audiences won't soon forget when the thing-that-we-didn't-know-what-it-was was put into a helicopter by a guy we didn't know.
Crow T. Robot: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.
Crow: [to a peaceful bit of folk music] My anaconda don't want none less you got buns hon.
Mike Nelson: The town that's ALL outskirts.
[repeated line]
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank!
Joel: Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!
Tom Servo: [seeing a bottle of blue liquid] Eugh, Smurf urine.
Joel: Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!
Crow: He never fought that big a puppet before.
Tom Servo: He's going to fly into the commercial!
Crow T. Robot: [watching Hercules struggle] Oh wait, he can bend steel but he can't break through a net?
Edward: It's time I revealed something very serious...
Tom Servo: My underwear is a hundred years old.
Tom Servo: Well, anyway, got that out of my system.
Tom Servo: So, a nine-iron knocks him cold, but a shotgun does nothing?
Crow: [we see a wrecked army base] Oh no! They let Stan Laurel watch the hut!
Tom Servo: Here we see the wreckage of the great snowball wars of ninteen fifty five.
Mike Nelson: Snowballs are still outlawed by the Geneva convention
Crow: You know, maybe the army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.
Scientist in movie: Can I show you something?
Tom Servo: It's under my uniform...
Tom Servo: Live fast, die young, and leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse.
Pearl Forrester: Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?
Crow T. Robot: This is the kind of movie you don't pause when you leave the room
Mike Nelson: And remember that if you are bitten by a bat, you will convulse and turn into one, it is a scientific fact.
Crow: Oh, that'll go nice in his "fury, mutant Hell-beast from space" collection.
Joel: They're giddy with violence.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, hello boobie. Say, do you want to make people's heads explode? Sure, we all do.
[a man is sleeping onscreen]
Mike Nelson: Hey guys, isn't it funny how life imitates art, and I'm like... sleeping right now, too.
Crow T. Robot: Man... his shirt's so tight, you can see his liver.
Dr. Forrester: Frank! Would you stop clogging your colon with food and go and get today's invention?
Tom Servo: So I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Mike Nelson: You know, even when stuff happens in this movie, stuff doesn't happen.
Tom Servo: (singing) Come sit by me, and Satan too, he's your friend and mine!
Tom Servo: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
Crow: Don't watch it.
Crow T. Robot: What, no headbutt this morning? Honeymoon over?
Lisa: It looks like there was a war.
Tom Servo: You'll have to take my word for it, we can't afford to show it.
Joel: [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.
Crow T. Robot: [scans for about a second] Got it!
Joel: Oh, brother...
Crow T. Robot: Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."
Joel: I *think* I got it...
Crow T. Robot: Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models."
Crow T. Robot: "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?
Joel: This is really confusing.
Tom Servo: Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "
Joel: Okay, I think that oughtta do it...
[it sprays him with silly string]
Crow T. Robot: "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."
Narrator: They would be part of the second line of defence. To be used only if necessary.
Mike Nelson: [immitating narrator] Also known as "dessert".
[finding an old chest on her ranch]
Flavia McIntyre: Gold, it must be gold.
Tom Servo: Yeah, the great Nevada pirates buried it.
Crow T. Robot: That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo: Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo: Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel: Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo: I hardly think that's possible.
Joel: Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right.
Tom Servo: He died as he lived, with jelly all over his face.
Mike Nelson: Starring Bruce Springsteen's little brother Wayne.
Tom Servo: Yep, that first morning beer is always the best.
Mike Nelson: That was a very bad and confusing movie.
[a plane is seen landing]
Mike Nelson: Ladies and gentlemen, just to play it safe, we're going to take the freeway the rest of the flight.
Dr. Forrester: That's fine, Joel. Have you petty little insurrection. Just remember you're trapped in space dressed like happy *kings*, and Frank and I are down here on Earth, free to do whatever we want.
[Frank enters reading TV guide]
TV's Frank: Hey, Dr. F., there's a Matlock marathon on tonight. You in?
Mike Nelson: This is the early version of "Snow White" called "Snow White and the One Normal Sized Guy".
Crow: No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.
Mike Nelson: That's not a nose, that's a duplex.
Observer: I'm not THAT omnipotent.
[Crow has gone back in time and talked to himself]
Crow: Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago.
Joel: Visit beautiful Ground Zero.
Tom Servo: And now the king rips off his skin and becomes a dinosaur from Mars.
Crow: Ah, the haunting "bakery" theme.
Tom Servo: Okay, what are we looking at and why are we looking at it?
Tom Servo: So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent. We're outta here.
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving, in case you land on your head?
TV's Frank: Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.
TV's Frank: After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!
TV's Frank: Are we talking about the same thing?
Dr. Forrester: He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!
TV's Frank: The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!
Dr. Forrester: Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, elegant... painful.
Dr. Forrester: And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!
TV's Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!
Dr. Forrester: No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.
TV's Frank: Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?
TV's Frank: And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?
Mike Nelson: Only radar knows what the hell is going on.
Tom Servo: Someone can tell Raymond Burr he's late.
Crow T. Robot: It's Edward Scissorhands!
Nastinka: Have mercy on me o rising sun.
Tom Servo: And you are?
[watching a Mexican movie]
Tom Servo: Maybe if Cortes had never conquered Montezuma we would not have had to watch this.
[during a low-angle shot of Miles O'Keefe]
Joel: I'M HUGE!
Teenage boy: Mr. Miller, is something wrong?
Crow: Sit down, pie-face. It's a long list.
Narrator: Here was a problem civil defense authorities had never faced, and might never face again.
Crow T. Robot: How to end the film.
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from apartment 4B is going to give us a religious insight.
Tom Servo: Meanwhile, on a dry model.
Crow: He died gargling.
Crow T. Robot: 'Twas beauty fed the beast.
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious.
Tom Servo: You... little pan woman!
Tom Servo: The director's vision: Confusion racked with ambiguity.
Mike Nelson: New Puffs Plus; with strontium-ninety.
Pearl Forrester: All and all a pretty nice trip. We used Brainiac here as a fish locator and then he harvested some wild mushrooms with his mind. We sat by a crystal blue stream having mind-fried rainbow trout. Mmm. It was heaven.
Bobo: I got bit by a rattlesnake in a very embarasing place. Had to suck the poison out myself.
Pearl Forrester: I'll never eat again.
Bobo: Then got stung by a scorpion. Oh, found the motherload of deer ticks. Uh, sat in some sandbur. Say, got mauled by a bear. Buried me so he could eat me later, and I had to dig my way out.
Tom Servo: Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell? You shot me in the butt!
Scientist in movie: The whole mountain is blowing up under us!
Tom Servo: The model doesn't look to good either.
Mike Nelson: It's fun when it's fun.
CIA director: [sending a spy on a mission] I don't have to tell you that, if you're caught, we'll have to say we've never heard of you.
Joel: It'll be as if you were on the "Thicke of the Night" show.
Tom Servo: 'The Ten Commandments" had a smaller cast than this!
Mike Nelson: You know, it's possible they're making an electric Santa Claus.
Tom Servo: At this point, they could be doing anything.
Dr. Forrester: These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here
TV's Frank: Come on let's wail, whooo!
Dr. Forrester: Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.
TV's Frank: Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!
Dr. Forrester: Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!
TV's Frank: Plastic man!
Dr. Forrester: That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!
Dr. Forrester: Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!
TV's Frank: Meatloaf?
Tom Servo: Geeze, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.
TV's Frank: Ha, Ha, Hey you've got webbed toes.
Mike Nelson: Ever since he got back from the Crusades, he's been weird.
Tom Servo: Nothing like an invigorating swim with a corpse in the morning.
Joel: Help, I'm being whipped into housewares.
Crow: He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!
[Servo has a flame-thrower for an arm]
Crow: What matter of bot' are you, who can summon up fire without flint or timber?
Joel: You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.
Crow T. Robot: She died as she lived, failing algebra.
Mike Nelson: Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Crow: Roger.
Tom Servo: Ramjet.
Mike Nelson: Fire extinguisher?
Tom Servo: Empty.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: Okay. Flare gun?
Tom Servo: Did it.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: First aid kit?
Tom Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike Nelson: Right. Parachute?
Crow: Gym class.
Mike Nelson: Life vest?
Tom Servo: Faulty.
Mike Nelson: Ham radio?
Crow: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike Nelson: There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?
Tom Servo: Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.
Mike Nelson: Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back
Crow: Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.
Tom Servo: Weeee.
[Jack Palance is about to be attacked by a vicious guard dog]
Crow: Damn. He saw "City Slickers 2".
Tom Servo: I hope they don't pick up the pace, this movie is relentless.
Joel: [as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing.
Joel: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow T. Robot: You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom Servo: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel: The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow T. Robot: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel: Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom Servo: Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow T. Robot: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom Servo: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow T. Robot: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom Servo: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow T. Robot: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Tom Servo: Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?
Crow T. Robot: Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
Tom Servo: Huh.
Joel: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
Crow T. Robot: No, you don't suppose?
Tom Servo: Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!
Joel, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!
Mike Nelson: When confronted by a werewolf, this is important, immediately leave your car and run out in the open.
Crow T. Robot: She could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence
Joel: We're on a collision course with wackiness.
Tom Servo: All right, we've seen his crotch, his pits, up his nose, the inside of his mouth, WHAT'S NEXT?
Tom Servo: Evidence that Christ himself created Radar.
Crow: Couldn't we watch a more cheerful film like "The Sorrow and the Pity"?
Crow: I can fly. I can fly. I can't fly.
Crow: I seem to have died, is that a problem?
Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact
Mike Nelson: You didn't tell us you were mythical.
Crow: Well, I suppose I could just eat the boat and spit them out.
[Main character in movie gets attacked by invisible enemy]
Joel: Oh look, they were too cheap to hire villains.
Mike Nelson: What I'm about to say might sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.
Tom Servo: Uh, Bob, I'm on fire.
Tom Servo: Let's recap the action so far.
Joel: Uh, nothing really.
Tom Servo: Okay, moving on.
Phantom of Krankor: Each of you will enter a space capsule...
Scientist in movie: What?
Tom Servo: Oh, for crying out loud!
Tom Servo: Each of you will enter a space capsule!
Joel: Oh, how I loathe him.
[looking at Master Ninja I in disbelief]
Joel: You know, this has all the continuity of a fever dream.
Crow T. Robot: You know it's gonna be funny, he's wearing corderoy
Dr. Forrester: Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!
TV's Frank: Yes, that's right. It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.
TV's Frank: It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!
Dr. Forrester: I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Infamous!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, that too! That too!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!
Dr. Forrester: I only did that once!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh- humph!
Dr. Forrester: Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It was three times!
Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?
Crow T. Robot: His Mickey Mouse gloves give him incredible power.
Tom Servo: The sad thing is, they're trying to tap dance. Hahahaha. Kill me.
Crow: To be dead... to be nothing... to watch "Neptune Men" no more...
Mike Nelson: Please be careful, this will be boring.
Tom Servo: Everyone! Soylent Green is made from chickens!
Narrator: The monster next appeared in lovers lane.
Mike Nelson: To a sellout crowd!
Narrator: Those who survived its terrifying attack, would never return there again.
Tom Servo: Those who did not survive said attack, also would not return there again.
Crow: His face never really came together.
Joel: [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow T. Robot: 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Tom Servo: Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel: I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?
Tom Servo: D'oh!
TV's Frank: Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Forrester: What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
TV's Frank: Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?
Peg: Oh, Liz, everyone isn't as slow as you and Andy.
Crow: Besides, you're a Romulan.
Tom Servo: Yes I do. Remember, little boy: if I can leave you with one birthday message, it is... Greet each day with a mighty roar. And always know what time it is. And wear Old Spice. Walk briskly to and from your job, and remember: neatness counts. Fill your head with candy. You are how you look. Me? I'm a gumball machine! I embrace that and my colleagues respect me for it. Heed this advice and maybe, just maybe, you'll grow up to be like me, Tom Servo.
Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL.
Joel: "Moon Zero Two"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Time of the Apes"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Wild Rebels"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Stranded in Space"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "King Dinosaur"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Mighty Jack"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocketship X-M"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "The Unearthly"?
Tom Servo: [sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse!
Joel: "Teenage Caveman"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "First Spaceship on Venus"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Joel: "Space Travelers"?
Tom Servo: Insert knife A into girl B.
Crow T. Robot: There isn't a shower cold enough for this man.
[after the woman suggests treating Paul's injury with antiseptic]
Paul: [enthusiastic] We can go back to my place. I've got all kinds of antiseptics there!
Tom Servo: Dozens, no, *hundreds* of antiseptics!
Woman: Your place?
Paul: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
[the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault]
Tom Servo: That was supposed to open the van door!
Mike Nelson: Damn.
Crow: So, d - do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that could get us through this?
Tom Servo: Oh! I know a song about stock footage; goes like this: Bada-bada-da-da... EAT IT, MOVIE!
Crow: Woah! Woah! Woah!
Crow: Mike, Mike, Mike...? Get...
Mike Nelson: All right...
[starts sobbing]
Mike Nelson: [consoling Tom] All right! All right, all right, it's okay, you're okay, it's all right.
Tom Servo: There is no God, there's just Dude.
Tom Servo: This is something Hitchcock would be proud of... his pet chimpanzee directing!
Mike Nelson: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.
Tom Servo: You know, beer and porn DO make the shift go faster.
Joel: Why is he wearing a bath mat?
Crow: Proving once again that slightly unattractive people are evil.
Joel: Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests any more. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement.
Crow T. Robot: Martin Landau, wasn't he on Mission:Impossible?
Tom Servo: Yes, and he married Barbara Bain.
Crow T. Robot: Like I said, Mission:Impossible.
Tom Servo: Nice location for a beating. Real scenic.
Joel: Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, never let the Devil dress you.
Mike Nelson: There is not an appealing spot in this town.
Little Boy: What now?
Tom Servo: Scream, die maybe.
Tom Servo: Yes, and after all that, our hero is down with one punch.
Johnny: Oh. I see...
Crow: They found the body, huh?
Tom Servo: He's cleverly disguised as a Hershey's Kiss.
Crow: He's Batman.
Tom Servo: Hey, Hal is reading your lips.
Crow T. Robot: Put your shoes on, we're at the monster.
Narrator: Just 2 years ago he was still riding calfs
Crow T. Robot: Now he sells pencils and string on street corners.
Tom Servo: I'd rather share a needle with Keith Richards.
Lord Vultiar: It seems...
Mike Nelson: Chilly in here, could you turn down your guy?
Joel: Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
TV's Frank: That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.
TV's Frank: That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?
Dr. Forrester: You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...
TV's Frank: The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...
Dr. Forrester: The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...
TV's Frank: The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...
Dr. Forrester: Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.
Dr. Forrester: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
TV's Frank: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
Crow T. Robot: You're a man playing a woman playing a man.
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow T. Robot: What is this "Coffee"?
Joe Moss: I like coffee!
Mike Nelson: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
Tom Servo: This movie stops at nothing... and stays there.
Crow: You see, son, we all die alone and afraid.
Crow T. Robot: Nothing worse than a cornered Van Patten.
Crow: Hundreds of dancers are loaded into a C-31 transport and dropped on Singapore.
Mike Nelson: [a character is in a tree] A separate piece... of *crap*!
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
Tom Servo: The gods do not approve of this inept car chase.
Pearl Forrester: [Observer's been trying to send Mike to the planet] Ok Brain guy. I'm going to be very clear. Bring... Mike... Down here.
[a man in a business suit appears]
Mike Down, CPA: Where am I? Oh. Hi, I'm Mike Down.
Crow T. Robot: This is really something. I don't know what, but it's something.
[Things have gotten even stupider in the movie they're watching]
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Tom Servo: Me too.
Mike Blackwood: There's no reason to fear the worst. All we know is that the plane caught fire and we lost radio contact.
Mike Nelson: But there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.
Dr. Darwin: The computer sucked everything in.
Crow: "Sucked", Let's go with that word, movie.
Tom Servo: Krankor is Mary, Queen of Scots.
Crow T. Robot: He's like Jean Claude Van Damme.
Mike Nelson: Actually he's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
Tom Servo: Hmm. He's drowning. Neat.
Crow: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke.
Crow: The movie that dares to ask, will he find the dwarf?
[a film shows people skiing]
Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah? Well you're full of skit.
Crow T. Robot: Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.
Joel: And a bad thing?
Crow T. Robot: It was this long.
Mike Nelson: Now, you see, this is irresponsible. They're encouraging people to go out and drug Kathy Ireland.
Crow T. Robot: Frolicking has never been so depressing.
Dr. Forrester: Mother, would you like to kill them or shall I?
Dr. Forrester: Eat hot salty loads of lead death, you pasty faced morons!
Tom Servo: Is the FILM grainy, or are these GUYS just kinda grainy?
Griffin: Is that the mountain?
Tom Servo: Let's kill that mountain.
Crow: Arsenic sucker, that should do it.
Sergi: There's an unidentified object up ahead.
Crow T. Robot: What is it?
Tom Servo: Don't point that goat at me, it might go off.
Joel: Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?
Tom Servo: Why?
Joel: 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.
Tom Servo: Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?
Joel: No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?
Tom Servo: Will it hurt?
Joel: Of course not.
Tom Servo: Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.
Joel: think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.
Tom Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
Tom Servo: One good thing about the apocalypse - always plenty of parking.
Crow: [Watching an obviously gay character in a short] Liberace *wishes* he was this gay.
Crow T. Robot: I can't deny anything you've said. But you're a big fat liar.
Mike Nelson: Were we supposed to do some readings for this movie?
TV's Frank: was alone, I had lost my way. Until one wonderful, funderful day when I met a friend made up of fur and fuzz, a friendly little friend whose friendly name was... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Scrappy little pal like no udder. His name is kinda long so you can just call him Muffin. Whatever ya call him, I sure as heck love him. I love him even more than my father or mudder, NummyMuffinCoocolButter... But then, one day unexpectedly, NummyMuffinCoocolButter was taken from me. The loss of that pet has left a really big void. My subsequent behaviour would even startle Freud. When it comes to pets, there'll never be anudder like... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Goodbye, Nummy Muffin CoocolButter... I love you.
Mr. Parkins: See you when I can.
Crow T. Robot: Is that vague enough for you?
Crow: They withheld all the interesting people 'till the end of the movie...