After a bad break-up, Jess, an offbeat young woman, moves into an apartment loft with three single men. Although they find her behavior very unusual, the men support her - most of the time.

Nick Miller: I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.
Nick Miller: You're a freaking gold digger, Jess!
Jess: Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world!
Nick Miller: Jess has absolutely lost her mind.
Jess: I have not lost my mind! I'm just scared.
Nick Miller: Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine. You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love and then before you know it you're gonna
[makes popping sounds]
Jess: With who, Nick? Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?
Schmidt: I'll man up. But I must warn you, Jess - I don't have sperms. I have tadpoles. Of the gods. And I'm gonna give 'em to you. You can have 'em all for all I care. That's how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you to have babies. Take my sperms.
Winston Bishop: No. It should be me, Jess.
Jess: [baffled] What?
Winston Bishop: With your big, beautiful blue eyes and my Blair Underwood-like skin, we'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.
Schmidt: He's not wrong. It could get into any school it wants.
Jess: To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me. I think it's important that's been said.
Nick Miller: Good. 'Cause it's definitely not me.
Jess: Cause it's definitely not you.
Nick Miller: I would love that little baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and hitting on the crossing guard.
Jess: [to Nick] I brought something from school that reminds me of you.
[pulls out a stick]
Jess: It's a feeling stick. Whoever is holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um, I feel like I want to know what you're feeling.
Nick Miller: [walks over and breaks the stick]
Jess: Believe it or not, that is not the first time someone has broken my feeling stick.
[pulls out another stick]
Jess: I have a travel size.
Nick Miller: Schmidt, if you come back, I'll let you clean my room.
Schmidt: [gasps] The white whale.
Nick Miller: Think of how many dust bunnies are under my bed; how many stray socks.
Jess: Nick kissed me!
Cece: What!
Jess: I've got to tell Sam. I can't tell Sam! I didn't even do anything wrong! Nick kissed *me*; I didn't even kiss him back! Okay, fine! I kissed him back! Is that what you want me to say?
Cece: I literally haven't said a word for, like, over an hour.
Jess: And now he won't even talk to me! 'Cause I saw him this morning and he just panicked moon-walked away from me.
Cece: He what?
Jess: He does that sometimes. And then... Ha! Nick just... He just... He just...
Cece: Kisses you.
Jess: Stupid Nick Miller!
Cece: How was it? Was it...?
Jess: I was like Scarlett O'Hara in my freaking curtain dress.
Cece: Yeah, but *how* did he do it?
Jess: He just, like, grabbed me. And he just took me. I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. It was firm, but tender.
Cece: Damn.
Jess: Yeah I saw through space and time for a minute but that's not the point!
Nick Miller: [doing an exercise at the Indian convention] Jess, you liked kissing me. It's fine to say that.
Jess: No, I didn't.
Nick Miller: I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; it was a nice kiss.
Jess: You were like a dog and my mouth was like a bowl full of dog... milk!
Nick Miller: It was like a damn fairytale, that kiss! It was the kiss of your life!
Jess: Are you serious, Nick?
Nick Miller: And you have to take a little responsibility, tarting around in that little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed.
Jess: Tarting around?
Nick Miller: I'm a man, Jessica! Pink robes are my catnip.
Anu: And we have a winning couple!
Jess, Nick Miller: We are not a couple!
Jess: A no-nail oath? You thought I was gonna sleep with one of you, like I just couldn't help it?
Nick Miller: It was me, Jess. I couldn't help it.
Schmidt: Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will, I could break them up with one email. Oh look at that, look at the royal baby now, living with slutty Aunt Pippa.
Schmidt: I'm in way over my head, Nick. I'm doing something terrible.
Nick Miller: Well, what is it, man?
Schmidt: You're gonna get mad at me.
Nick Miller: I'm your best friend. I was there for you when you fell off the deck at Chester's graduation and I'm here for you now. There's nothing you could say that I'd get mad at.
Schmidt: Okay, I can do this.
[laughs uncomfortably]
Schmidt: Do you know I broke up with Elizabeth so that I could start dating CeCe again?
Nick Miller: Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.
Schmidt: Yeah, that actually never happened.
Nick Miller: What do you mean?
Schmidt: I'm still dating Elizabeth.
Nick Miller: [confused] What do you mean?
Schmidt: I'm dating both of them, and neither one of them knows it, and I feel terrible about it.
Nick Miller: But Elizabeth is gone.
[Schmidt shakes his head]
Nick Miller: What do you mean?
Schmidt: She's not gone.
Nick Miller: So you broke up with CeCe...
Schmidt: I didn't break up with either one of them.
Nick Miller: [with a horrified expression] What do you mean?
Schmidt: You process this however you need to process it. If you want to keep talking it out...
Nick Miller: Jess, are you okay?
Jess: No! This is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've lived a very fortunate life!
Nick Miller: Which one are you dating?
Schmidt: Both.
Nick Miller: Are you dating CeCe?
Schmidt: I'm dating CeCe.
Nick Miller: Are you dating Elizabeth?
Schmidt: Yes.
Nick Miller: How do you do that?
Schmidt: They made me choose.
Nick Miller: You have to choose. You can't have both women.
Schmidt: What was I supposed to do?
Nick Miller: What, you think you can have a bunch of wives? You get one wife! This is the way the world woks!
Schmidt: Why?
Nick Miller: I don't know.
Schmidt: I feel terrible about this, i don't know what to do.
Nick Miller: How could you do this with Jess' best friend?
Schmidt: I don't know! I feel really badly about it!
Nick Miller: In your little brain, how do you see this ending?
Schmidt: I see it ending badly. Very, very badly. But you know what? I just...
Schmidt: I want to thank you, though. Just for being there for me.
Nick Miller: I'm not listening to you and I'm not there for you.
Schmidt: Because now we're in this together.
Nick Miller: We're not in this together and I'm not listening and I'm not there so just stop telling me things! What would you like me to do with this information?
Schmidt: Well it really helped me to tell you. You should tell somebody. Get it off your chest.
Nick Miller: Like who?
Schmidt: Well, certainly not Jess.
Nick Miller: [Makes a retching noise]
Nick Miller: [Nick walks in to see Jess packing kitchen appliances into a garbage bag] Whoa, whoa, Jess! What are you doing? That's my ketchup collection.
Jess: This fertility website says I need to get rid of anything with toxins.
Nick Miller: Did you put the microwave in the trash?
Jess: Yes.
Nick Miller: Why would you do that?
Jess: Microwaves zap things!
[they argue]
Nick Miller: It's what makes burritos delicious!
Jess: You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?
Nick Miller: You're puttin' me in a tough spot.
Jess: Schmidt! Hey! My best friend? You Long Island street trash!
Schmidt: Damn it, Nick! You told her?
Jess: No he didn't tell me! I - I happened upon it!
Schmidt: Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square?
Nick Miller: Jess, I swear I never wanted to be involved in this. You're so pretty.
Jess: Put your freaking visor down.
[turns to Schmidt]
Jess: Now you will tell CeCe or I will, you... you crumb bum!
Schmidt: Jess...
Jess: You crumb bum!
Schmidt: Yes, well said.
Jess: [Jess is high from her medication] You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.
Schmidt: I found this parking spot.
[Everyone argues]
Schmidt: Give me the spot or I'll kill you all!
Nick Miller: Guys, let's just say that hypothetically, a girl says something to you while she's on painkillers. And that girl says that she might want to have sexual intercourse with you...
Winston Bishop: Please tell me we're not talking about Jess.
Nick Miller: And you had no idea that's how she felt. Like, no idea. You thought the door was closed. In fact, you thought that door was so closed that you went out to another door but had I known that the first door was open, that's the door I wanted to walk through. I would've walked through that door. Do you see how I'm in a tough spot?
Schmidt: Can we stop calling it 'walking through a door' because for me I feel it's more like sliding past a drape.

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