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NYPD Detectives of Manhattan's fictional 15th precinct investigate criminal cases.
Det. Connie McDowell: [after Theo walks in on her getting out of the shower] Did you drop Theo off at school? Andy: I dropped him off at Hooters. He insisted.
Andy: You got a lot of morons in your family? 'Cause that could be genetic.
Andy: [while examining the body of a decapitated man whose head is sitting in his own lap] You don't often encounter this method of suicide.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Here's some free advice: get enough self-respect so when some fool starts talking to you like a nigger, you don't go half nuts and jam yourself up needing to prove he isn't right. Officer Reggie Fancy: You got some funny ideas about self-respect. Lt. Arthur Fancy: My idea's when I hear an ass out in the field braying, I don't feel any deep need to start braying back.
Det. John Clark, Jr.: So, Greg; you know my dad, huh? Det. Greg Medavoy: Yeah, from task forces and such; never worked in the same squad. Det. John Clark, Jr.: Listen, what do you know about 'Dutch Boy'? Det. Greg Medavoy: When your dad was working a foot beat in Brooklyn, he walked by Miller's Hardware... Det. John Clark, Jr.: Yeah, I know the place. Det. Greg Medavoy: Anyway, Clark noticed the door was open. It's a two story; street level and basement. Anyway, your dad goes in and when he goes into the basement; he sees what he thinks is a guy holding a gun. He identifies himself and when the guy doesn't drop the gun; Clark pulls his gun and shoots [starts laughing] Det. Greg Medavoy: . Clark's on the floor, calling for backup when he notices that the guy hasn't moved. [laughing harder] Det. Greg Medavoy: Anyway, he grabs his flashlight and notices that there's this white powder all over him. Then he notices that what he shot was a full size advertisement for 'Dutch Boy' paints and what he thought was a gun was the guy's paint brush. Meanwhile, he shot the brush off and there's two holes in the dummy's crotch. Man, he really got his balls broke over that one and... [notices the stunned look on Clark's face] Det. Greg Medavoy: uh... Det. Baldwin Jones: Uh, of course, anyone could have made the same mistake. Det. Greg Medavoy: Yeah, sure, could have happened to anybody.
Skel: I was holding that deck for someone else. Det. Danny Sorenson: Does the guy you were holding it for call you "my friend the moron"?
Det. Bobby Simone: What happened, Vince? Det. Vince Gotelli: Two guys came in the bar, ordered a drink, then pulled their guns and held up the place. Then all of a sudden they started shooting. I pulled my piece and shot back. I think I hit one, but then I went down. Det. Bobby Simone: But you weren't hit, were you? Det. Vince Gotelli: No, chest pains. One of the guys left holding his shoulder. I wonder why I got chest pains at that moment? Andy: Might be a sign from God to stay out of these titty bars, Vince.
Katie Sipowicz: I heard something in your voice, Andy, when you called me. Andy: I guess what you heard didn't include the words coming out of my mouth. Katie Sipowicz: I heard something and I checked my intuition, afterwards by prayer. Andy: Katie, this has gotta stop. After God tells you what to do, if I'm involved in the message, you check back with me.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Keep me posted. Andy: Any cases you don't want us to keep you posted on? What's the point in saying that? Lt. Arthur Fancy: OK, then, get outta my office.
Andy: [making an announcement at the end of the shift] Could I have everybody's attention! Connie and Me are taking Theo to Disney World. Anybody's got anything to say about it; speak up now. Lt. Tony Rodriguez: So, uh, have a wonderful time.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: [an overweight woman has demanded to see Sipowicz] Andy, there's no easy way to say this, but Jeri is having issues with Diane and Jill. She's demanding to see you. Andy: That ain't goin' to happen. Lt. Arthur Fancy: Diane and Jill think she's painted herself into a corner with manslaughter and it doesn't need to go that way. Anyway, she says either she talks to you or she lawyer's up. Andy: That's what she needs to do then. Maybe we don't do enough of that. [Looks at Simone] Andy: See, this amuses you because you don't attract psychotics. Det. Bobby Simone: No, it doesn't. Well, yeah, it is amusing; but this could be real serious.
ADA Sylvia Costas: [Andy and Sylvia are having to adjust to the new baby] Andy, do you remember having sex? Andy: Aren't you afraid we'll wake up the baby? ADA Sylvia Costas: Well, you'll just have to hold off on doing your Tarzan yell and beating your chest. Andy: Yeah, I guess I could not do that this time.
Det. Greg Medavoy: Don't you keep a daily log or something? Bus Dispatcher: Daily log. What do I look like, Captain Kirk?
Andy: [Sylvia has surprised Andy by getting in the shower with him] Uh, Sylvia; you know I usually wash that part of my body down there myself. ADA Sylvia Costas: Would you like me to stop? Andy: Um, no. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of cleaning it.
Russian woman: Marina. Strangled and raped. What is wrong with this country? Andy: What's wrong with this country? I'll tell you what's wrong; it's all these foreigners coming over here. Det. Bobby Simone: Detective Sipowicz here is one of the few Native American Poles.
Andy: Romeo's a rage-a-holic, which means he's often pissed off, unlike the vast majority of us gliding along devil-may-care.
Det. Bobby Simone: How you been feeling, Vince? Det. Vince Gotelli: I told you. I have generalized coronary artery disease, abnormal in the thallium stress test, and now I'm having difficult urinating. Andy: Coronary system failing, urinary system failing. Now he's at the stage, you ask him how he's feeling, he tells you.
A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: As it happens, the courts have upheld that a confession can be obtained by ruse or trick, so long as an innocent man wouldn't be deceived. Andy: There's a relief. A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: But that doesn't make me any more comfortable with what you've done. Andy: What's your name again? A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: Arnold Rosenthal. Andy: Yeah, well, Arnold, why don't you leave me your card, and I'll be in touch the second that your comfort becomes important to me. A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: I don't know what Sylvia sees in you. Andy: Dickhead.
Big Rick: [after confessing to a robbery-homicide] Money from the safe stashed in my apartment, black leather bag under some skin magazines in the corner behind the bed. I want to use that to pay for a lawyer. Andy: Don't exactly work that way, Big Rick, but if they try at the trial passing you off as the mastermind, you tell 'em what you just said.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: The future keeps telling us what the past was about. You make the past mean different things by the way you use the time that comes after.
Det. Danny Sorenson: All right, into the cage for a while. Julio Diaz: For what? Det. Danny Sorenson: For breaking balls. You give me no cooperation, I'm gonna run you for warrants in every jurisdiction in America. Julio Diaz: Man, go out and get shot in the street. Det. Danny Sorenson: Yeah, why don't you write that up for Reader's Digest? "My Worst Day Ever So Far" by Julio.
Det. Danny Sorenson: What's wrong with John babysitting? Andy: He's gay, that's what's wrong with it. Det. Danny Sorenson: I mean, c'mon, Andy, how long you known him? Andy: A long time, and he's been gay every day of it.
Det. Danny Sorenson: He's the fast-talker of the partnership, while you take care of the silent, brooding chores?
[Cohen is trying to get back together with Kirkendall] Andy: OK, here's your chance, but if you get belligerent with her again, everyone is this squad will take it very personal. ADA Leo Cohen: I understand. Andy: If you don't understand now, you will about two seconds after you do it.
Det. Danny Sorenson: My father died when I was like six years old. My mother, she couldn't take care of me and my sisters so she send us over here to live with her sister. I was born in Norway, but over here we lived in Albany. So, was I like your first Norwegian screw? Officer Mary Franco: Not even close.
Andy: That was positive, wasn't it? "Our pleasure"? Det. John Kelly: Fair. Andy: What should I have said? "Our pleasure, rooty-toot-toot"?
[Jones and Sipowicz are questioning a suspect] Elmo: Man, I can't go to no jail! What am I going to do about my bar? Andy: Padlock it, Elmo, and reopen in three to five. Elmo: Three to five days? Det. Baldwin Jones: Check out Elmo; Mr. Positive Thinking. Andy: That's three to five *years*, nitwit.
ADA Sylvia Costas: [after being shot] Andy, take care of the baby!
Lt. Thomas Bale: Sipowicz, I heard from a friend of mine that oversees the sergeant's exam. You passed. Andy: I did? Lt. Thomas Bale: Just thought you might want to know ahead of time, before it becomes public. Congratulations. So, you ready to become a boss? Andy: [Slightly stunned] I guess I'll find out.
Det. Greg Medavoy: You pay a toll for ongoing uncertainty.
Lt. Thomas Bale: [the squad is fed up with the controlling behavior of Lt. Bale] I expect to be kept informed of everything that is going on in this squad at all times. Andy: I'm planning to take a crap later. Would you like to be kept informed about that?
[Medavoy and Jones are discussing a DOA] Det. Greg Medavoy: Some of these working girls tell me this guy was a pimp. Imagine that; a white pimp. I mean, how does that happen, D? Det. Baldwin Jones: Equal opportunity, Greg.
[an older woman is coming on to Sorenson] Andy: You know, sad thing is, back when I was drinking, many's the night I'd have thrown a hump into that.
Det. Baldwin Jones: [a suspect has demanded a phone book to call an attorney] Oh, you want a phone book, huh? [rips a phone book in half] Det. Baldwin Jones: Okay, you look in that part and I'll look in this part. Suspect: Damn! Now, wait a minute. A brother like you don't know his own strength! Tell me again what you want to know!
Henry Coffield: I'm not a kid anymore, Simone. If you can't be kind about the people you feel kindness towards, you're no damn good. Det. Bobby Simone: The way I look at that, Henry: if we're still drawing breath, we have a chance to do something on our shortcomings besides piss and moan.
ADA Leo Cohen: [to Lt. Fancy] Any breaks on the street shooting? I see you have your ace detectives Medavoy and Martinez on the case. ADA Leo Cohen: [to Kirkendall] I don't suppose you have any worthwhile leads in your case? Det. Jill Kirkendall: Hey, kiss my ass, Cohen. ADA Leo Cohen: Not an entirely unappealing thought, detective. I'll be in Anti-Crime if you need me.
Dr. Wentzel: You think you're a psychiatrist? Andy: No, I'm a Polack detective, knows you get away with murder, you leave the crime scene and you go about your life. It's you, you intelligent types, you always got to provide an alternate suspect.
Andy: How many times you want to get hit? Ted: You know, the last time you hit me I jumped up and sat on my own testicle.
[Fancy has been briefing Rodriguez] Lt. Arthur Fancy: Well, that's about it. You know, you haven't asked me any questions about the squad. Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Yeah, guess I better do that; wouldn't want to appear apathetic. Any squadroom romances I need to be aware of? Lt. Arthur Fancy: None right now. Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Okay. Any old school detectives that care more about solving cases than making the bosses happy? Lt. Arthur Fancy: Yeah. Sipowicz. He's... unique. Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Is he a good detective? Lt. Arthur Fancy: If a member of my family was murdered, I'd want Sipowicz to catch the case. Lt. Tony Rodriguez: I guess that's it then. Good luck, Captain.
Andy: What's open? John Irvin: Not the coffee room. Andy: Why 'not the coffee room'? John Irvin: Lt. Fancy and Lt. Abner are in there with the door closed. They are having a frank discussion. Det. Diane Russell: A very, frank, discussion. Andy: [to Jones] Don't go in there unless you hear glass breaking.
[Clark finds that his father has moved all his belongings into the hall] Det. John Clark, Jr.: Dad, what's all my stuff doing out here? Det. John Clark, Sr.: Are you going to do what I told you and leave the 15th? Det. John Clark, Jr.: No! Det. John Clark, Sr.: You goin' to keep working with that bum Sipowicz? Det. John Clark, Jr.: Yeah. Det. John Clark, Sr.: Then you are leaving this house.
Ted: [Indicating discomfort about the hidden mike taped to his crotch] This is uncomfortable. Andy: The alternative location is up your ass. Ted: Alllll right. Let me learn to live with this.
Det. Bobby Simone: We got the weapon from your apartment there, Rick. Andy: Always a right move tossing the piece, Rick, though at the time it may seem wasteful.
Det. Jill Kirkendall: Suspects only get one phone call; so, you need to decide whether to call your lawyer or your drug dealer. John Irvin: Unless they are the same person.
Lt. Thomas Bale: [about the credit card] Detective; you know something about me and I want to know what you intend to do about it. Andy: Lieutenant, all I know is I found your credit card and returned it to you. That's all I know and all I want to know. 'Night, boss. Lt. Thomas Bale: Thank you, Detective.
[Martinez is trying to make small talk with Lesniak after he finds out she's gay] Det. James Martinez: So, ah, Greg tells me you're gay now. How's that workin' out for you? Det. Adrianne Lesniak: Fine. I'm in a stable relationship. James, I just didn't want you to keep hoping for something that wasn't going to happen.
Andy: She make any derogatory references? Lt. Arthur Fancy: She said you were old and bald. Andy: Old? Det. Danny Sorenson: Bald?
Andy: [looking at Simone] "Protude the point for me..." Andy: [Simone uses his middle finger to get the pen point out] "I keep sticking myself in the eye."
[Sipowicz is returning Bale's credit card that was found on a gay hustler] Andy: Listen, when we were tossing this guy's apartment, I found this. Thought you might want it back. Got to figure, a guy like this is probably dealing in stolen credit cards from all over [walks out as Bale looks stunned]
Det. Connie McDowell: Theo walked in on me while I was getting out of the shower this morning. Det. Rita Ortiz: Well, was this a glimpse or what? Det. Connie McDowell: Everything, I mean the Full Monty. Det. Rita Ortiz: Well, at least he has something interesting to use during sharing time at school this morning.
A.D.A. Valerie Haywood: I've got a big problem. Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Oh, that's third floor. We're small to medium problems down here.
[Jones walks out of the shower to find Haywood in his apartment] A.D.A. Valerie Haywood: I thought about what you said. You're right, I am uptight and have a hard time being spontaneous. So... Det. Baldwin Jones: So, what does that mean? A.D.A. Valerie Haywood: [removes her coat revealing sexy lingerie] So, we have about an hour before we both have to get to work. Any ideas?
Capt. Pat Fraker, IAB: [Fraker is drunk and accusing Rodriguez of turning him in] You're a lying spic rat, Tony! Lt. Tony Rodriguez: [standing up] OK, Captain, now your choices are leave, or get your ass kicked! Capt. Pat Fraker, IAB: I want Sipowicz here, now! Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Leave now, Captain! [Fraker pulls his pistol and shoots Rodriguez]
Det. Bobby Simone: You were pushing it, now you're under arrest. You're a collar, you understand that? Richard Manzak: You guys are fags, right? You're fags from some women's group. Andy: That don't make us bad people.
Det. John Kelly: How's the drying out going? Andy: Helps when the first week's unconscious. Now I go two, three minutes where booze never crosses my mind.
Det. Baldwin Jones: [Jones has been questioning a rapper about the shooting of another rapper] You know, I'm glad your lawyer showed up, 'cause now I can tell you what I really think. I think you are a punk-ass bitch wannabe thug just like Jenksy and Andre said. Don't like it? You wanna jump; jump. [Rapper just looks at him] Det. Baldwin Jones: That's what I thought.
Ronald: Why are you so viciously callous? Andy: It's how I deal with my continuous grief.
Dr. Talbot: He needs to be tranquillized. Andy: You pull a tranquillizer gun on me and the safari stops at the dentist! He's got the wrong elephant.
[Jones is questioning a suspect] Det. Baldwin Jones: Now, Arnell; I'm going to ask you some questions and I don't want you to lie to me. Where were you last night? Arnell: Man, I was home sleeping all... [Jones slaps Arnell, knocking him out of the chair] Det. Baldwin Jones: Arnell, I told you not to lie to me.
James Sinclair Esq.: [when Kelly tries to hire him] I think everyone is entitled to the best lawyer they can find, Detective. I just don't think they're all entitled to me.
Andy: [Murphy and Ortiz are watching Sipowicz reprimand a uniformed officer] Hey! Get that damn car out of here! You're blocking the ambulance. What do you think you're doing? Det. Laura Murphy: [shaking her head and smiling] Sergeant Sipowicz.
Det. Danny Sorenson: Ok, Nicki; we know you and Derek planned to steal Beller's art. Now. Derek pulling a gun on Detective Sipowicz moves him to the top of the list. What you want to do is try to help yourself by wearing a wire when we put you two together and getting Derek to admit that he was the one who planned the whole thing. Nicki Cameron: If I do that, will I be implicated in the theft? Det. Danny Sorenson: You're already implicated, Nicki; your cooperation in helping us nail Derek will buy you some good will with the DA and the judge. Det. Diane Russell: This is where you want to say yes, Nicki.
Det. Baldwin Jones: [Sipowicz shows up at a crime scene] Hey, Andy, what are you doing here? I thought when Bale's shooting was solved, you were going back to uniform. Det. Rita Ortiz: [looks at Sipowicz and smiles] Go ahead, tell them. Andy: They gave me the squad. Chief of D's told me last night at Medavoy's racket. Det. John Clark, Jr.: Really? Why didn't you tell anybody? Andy: I didn't want to distract from Medavoy's night. Anyway, it went out this morning. Det. John Clark, Jr.: Well, I don't know that I can work for you. Det. Laura Murphy: [smiling] I don't know if any of us can. Andy: [going along with the joke] That's OK. I was planning on bringing in my own people anyways.
Andy: [to his AA? sponsor, whose son keeps beating him up] "Regret for the past is a waste of spirit." You told me that, remember?
Det. Danny Sorenson: [discussing Det. Russell's choice to leave the 15th with Andy] . I was sick in love with Diane. I guess I had too high an expectation.
Andy: [Rodriguez has announced he is leaving] If this is about Ortiz, deal with it. But if you're leaving because you're pissed off about the outcome of the trial, stay and fight ot! Leaving is a punk move and you know it! Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Ortiz is none of your business; and I've never punked out on anything in my life.
Det. Greg Medavoy: [Medavoy has been testifying before IAB] Whew, I'm glad that's over. Where's the lieutenant? I need to fill him in on what happened. John Irvin: Lt. Fancy left with Detective Jones to pick up a suspect. Detective Jones felt that the suspect needed to be picked up immediately and no one else was here, so... Det. Greg Medavoy: [Nervously] Baldwin had to get the lieutenant to cover for me and help pick up a suspect? How was Fancy? Was he, he upset or anything? John Irvin: Actually, he was smiling and seemed to be looking forward to it.
Det. Danny Sorenson: Where's a good homicide when you need one?
Det. Danny Sorenson: That's just what I wanted tonight - just keepin' company with you.
Det. Baldwin Jones: I find out you been lyin' to us, I'll personally come back down here and beat your ass. Elmo: [to Sipowicz] You goin' to let him talk to me like that? Andy: Well, you know how some guys are. We've been tryin' to get him in an aggression management class.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: I don't take that from anyone, that what-do-you-expect thumb stuff.
Angela Zirrelli: Pete Magrini is a rat bastard prick who deserves the needle for killing his wife who was my best girl friend! Det. Diane Russell: And how do you know this, Angela? Angela Zirrelli: He told he during an intimate moment. Det. Jill Kirkendall: So, Pete Magrini told you during an intimate moment you were having with him while you were Dino's girlfriend and his wife's 'best girl friend'. Angela Zirrelli: Hey, I'm trying to give information here; not nominate myself as the next Mother Teresa. I'm tired of being a sexual football. Det. Diane Russell: Did Pete tell you he killed his wife and put her in a 50 gallon drum hidden in a building he used to own? Angela Zirrelli: No; he told me her body was buried behind his cousin Tommy's house in Englewood Cliffs.
Det. Baldwin Jones: [Fancy has been catching hell all day from the chief] Uh, excuse me, lieutenant. This guy we've got in the pokey gave us a place to pick up the suspect in that shooting this morning. Greg's at IAB and everyone else is out canvassing. Should I call Anti-Crime to go with me to pick up this guy? Lt. Arthur Fancy: [Looking at the phone and all the paperwork] No, I'll go with you. Det. Baldwin Jones: You'll go? Are you sure? Don't you have other things to do? Lt. Arthur Fancy: [Phone begins to ring as Fancy picks up his coat] Are you kidding? I'm going with you. John, I'll be on the air.
[Danny has been manipulated by a Federal agent and furious about it] Det. Danny Sorenson: Well, you'll have to work that out with the bosses, 'cause my inclination is to knock your teeth down your throat for moving me around like a gutter bum.
Andy: [Sipowicz suspects Russell is drunk on a bar stakeout] What the Hell are you doing? Det. Diane Russell: Acting like a slut. Isn't that what the boss wants? Det. Greg Medavoy: [Medavoy has found out Lesniak is gay] But, but you had a boyfriend! Det. Adrianne Lesniak: And now I have a girlfriend, okay?
[Sipowicz is supervising his first crime scene as a uniform sergeant] Det. John Clark, Jr.: All right, all right, step aside, homicide detectives comin' through. [shows his shield to Sipowicz] Andy: How long you been waitin' to say that? Det. John Clark, Jr.: [laughing] Every day since you were promoted.
Agent Francis: [to Danny] You remind me of Donnie Osmond with your partner's personality. Det. Danny Sorenson: Agent Frances, I'm proud to say I've got all of Donnie's albums, including Mormon Hymns To Federal Agents Who Steal Their Weekly Paychecks.
Andy: We're going to check out the other building this wacko manages. [to Jones] Andy: You might want to talk to this guy; he's carrying on about black demons and voices. Det. Baldwin Jones: What, do you want me to go in there with my tribal outfit on? [Disgusted, Sipowicz leaves] Det. Baldwin Jones: [to Fancy] Do you want me to go in there? Lt. Arthur Fancy: Well, do you have a tribal outfit?
[Connie has suspicions about Sipowicz and Russell] Det. Connie McDowell: You won't tell me what's going on with Diane; well, something is going on and I'm being lied to!
Det. Greg Medavoy: [to a witness who's smoking in the car while on a stakeout] Put that out; it's affecting my sinuses. Witness: Gotta do something while I'm sitting here. Det. Greg Medavoy: Why you gotta do something? Why can't you just be? Witness: Be what? Det. Greg Medavoy: Just be what you are. Witness: I am being what I am. I'm a smoker.
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