Only Fools and Horses.... Quotes
Classic comedy following the misadventures of two Wheeler Dealer brothers Del Boy and Rodney Trotter who scrape their living by selling dodgy goods believing that next year they will be millionaires.
Rodney: Trigger what are you doing here?
Trigger: Well Dave, Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Rodney: Oh I suppose that's... Hold on, you live closer to the pub then we do?
Trigger: Yeah I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Rodney: But Trigger, you've had walk past the pub to get to our flat!
Trigger: I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Trigger: Well Dave, Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Rodney: Oh I suppose that's... Hold on, you live closer to the pub then we do?
Trigger: Yeah I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Rodney: But Trigger, you've had walk past the pub to get to our flat!
Trigger: I know, but Del Boy said he'd give me a lift down the pub.
Trigger: What you up to Dave?
Rodney: I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.
Trigger: No words to this song Dave?
Rodney: No Trigger, it's an instrumental.
Del Boy: All right Trigger? What you doing?
Trigger: I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.
Del Boy: Okay.
Trigger: It's the karaoke version.
Rodney: I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.
Trigger: No words to this song Dave?
Rodney: No Trigger, it's an instrumental.
Del Boy: All right Trigger? What you doing?
Trigger: I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor.
Del Boy: Okay.
Trigger: It's the karaoke version.
Mike Fisher: [Del and Rodney are trying to sell Mike a computer] What exactly does that mean?
Del Boy: Well it means you can... you can... tell him what it means, Rodney.
[to Mike]
Del Boy: He's taken a course in this, he came top of his class.
Rodney: Well, in 'layman's' terms it means you can, em, well, you er, you can record all your business deals.
Mike Fisher: I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals. So the last thing I want is to have 'em all recorded on a floppy bloody disc! I'm not interested. Ask Trigger.
Rodney: Trigger? With a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches!
Del Boy: Well it means you can... you can... tell him what it means, Rodney.
[to Mike]
Del Boy: He's taken a course in this, he came top of his class.
Rodney: Well, in 'layman's' terms it means you can, em, well, you er, you can record all your business deals.
Mike Fisher: I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals. So the last thing I want is to have 'em all recorded on a floppy bloody disc! I'm not interested. Ask Trigger.
Rodney: Trigger? With a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches!
Grandad: [Grandad is talking to an urn containing the ashes of Trigger's grandfather] I mean, I dunno why I'm even talking to you about this, Arthur, 'cause I know you can't hear me.
Del Boy: [picking up a traffic cone and using it as a loudspeaker] That is what *you* think, Trotter!
Grandad: Arthur? You mean... you can hear me?
Del Boy: You're coming through louder than a CB. Rubber duck.
Grandad: Oh, Arthur, I... I really am sorry about what happened all them years ago.
Del Boy: Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
Grandad: Oh, I do, Arthur. I'd do anything to prove it to you.
Del Boy: All right then. Tell me where your money's hidden.
Grandad: I ain't got no money!
Del Boy: Oh, don't give me that, you lying old git! I know you're all right for a few bob, and I want to know where it is hidden.
Grandad: It's in me suitcase under me bed.
Del Boy: No it ain't; I've looked.
Del Boy: [picking up a traffic cone and using it as a loudspeaker] That is what *you* think, Trotter!
Grandad: Arthur? You mean... you can hear me?
Del Boy: You're coming through louder than a CB. Rubber duck.
Grandad: Oh, Arthur, I... I really am sorry about what happened all them years ago.
Del Boy: Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
Grandad: Oh, I do, Arthur. I'd do anything to prove it to you.
Del Boy: All right then. Tell me where your money's hidden.
Grandad: I ain't got no money!
Del Boy: Oh, don't give me that, you lying old git! I know you're all right for a few bob, and I want to know where it is hidden.
Grandad: It's in me suitcase under me bed.
Del Boy: No it ain't; I've looked.
Raquel Turner: [to Del after seeing Del-Boy punch out her flatmate] Why the hell did you do that?
Del Boy: It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, Raquel. It's all right. You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more - Del Boy is here?
Rodney: [whistles the opening bar to "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"]
Del Boy: It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, Raquel. It's all right. You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more - Del Boy is here?
Rodney: [whistles the opening bar to "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"]
Uncle Albert: During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany - I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic. Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.
Del Boy: Especially when they saw you walking up the gangplank!
Uncle Albert: So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry. Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.
Del Boy: I bet that cheered you all up, didn't it?
Uncle Albert: It took their minds off the U-boats and sharks.
Del Boy: Well, thanks for that, Unc. It's lucky your Captain Kenworthy never became a Samaritan. You wouldn't be able to get a tug under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies!
Del Boy: Especially when they saw you walking up the gangplank!
Uncle Albert: So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry. Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.
Del Boy: I bet that cheered you all up, didn't it?
Uncle Albert: It took their minds off the U-boats and sharks.
Del Boy: Well, thanks for that, Unc. It's lucky your Captain Kenworthy never became a Samaritan. You wouldn't be able to get a tug under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies!
[after realizing Delboy was going a little bit TOO far out on the ocean on a Jet-Ski]
Rodney: He's going a long way out!
Rico: Yeah! But he's enjoying himself!
Rodney: Yeah I know that but Del can't even swim.
Salavatorie: BUT I THOUGHT HE SAID HE HAD A CERTIFICATE FOR SWIMMING!
Rodney: Well he does... but it ain't his!
Rodney: He's going a long way out!
Rico: Yeah! But he's enjoying himself!
Rodney: Yeah I know that but Del can't even swim.
Salavatorie: BUT I THOUGHT HE SAID HE HAD A CERTIFICATE FOR SWIMMING!
Rodney: Well he does... but it ain't his!
Uncle Albert: Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this!
Del Boy: Shut up you saucy old git.
Rodney: Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian!
Uncle Albert: In 1959 I was in Bombay!
Del Boy: You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction.
Uncle Albert: But I like this kind of music!
Del Boy: Ah! Oh yeah, look at that Rodney. It's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel.
Del Boy: Shut up you saucy old git.
Rodney: Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian!
Uncle Albert: In 1959 I was in Bombay!
Del Boy: You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction.
Uncle Albert: But I like this kind of music!
Del Boy: Ah! Oh yeah, look at that Rodney. It's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel.
Rodney: [referring to a pile of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, Del... me and Mickey might have a problem getting these back to our depot. We come down on the Green Line, see?
Del Boy: Right, well, your best bet would be to hire an open-backed truck.
Rodney: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what we thought, but... we were wondering if you could take a couple in the back of the van.
Del Boy: Back of my van? You must be joking. I've only just cleared 'em out of the van!
Rodney: You mean you were selling 'em in the first place?
Del Boy: Yeah. That is the rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me last week. Normally I'd never have bought it but, you know, he caught me when I was a bit non compost mentis down the one-eleven club. I never thought I'd get shot of 'em, Rodney, but you know me; he who dares wins. I actually made quite a tidy little profit on it and all.
Rodney: And what are we supposed to do with them?
Del Boy: Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourselves a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip.
Del Boy: Right, well, your best bet would be to hire an open-backed truck.
Rodney: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what we thought, but... we were wondering if you could take a couple in the back of the van.
Del Boy: Back of my van? You must be joking. I've only just cleared 'em out of the van!
Rodney: You mean you were selling 'em in the first place?
Del Boy: Yeah. That is the rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me last week. Normally I'd never have bought it but, you know, he caught me when I was a bit non compost mentis down the one-eleven club. I never thought I'd get shot of 'em, Rodney, but you know me; he who dares wins. I actually made quite a tidy little profit on it and all.
Rodney: And what are we supposed to do with them?
Del Boy: Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourselves a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip.
Rodney: [Del has had a hang-gliding accident and is in a wheelchair surrounded by sympathetic well-wishers] Oh, listen to me for one minute, will you? Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus!
Del Boy: [lunging to his feet and seizing Rodney around the neck] You listen to me, you little git! I may never walk again! I may...
[realises]
Del Boy: Though I must admit I'm getting some feeling back.
Del Boy: [lunging to his feet and seizing Rodney around the neck] You listen to me, you little git! I may never walk again! I may...
[realises]
Del Boy: Though I must admit I'm getting some feeling back.
Uncle Albert: Have you ever thought about joining the navy, Rodney?
Rodney: Well, funnily enough, Unc, *no*! How could I join the navy?
Del Boy: Exactly. In the old days they'd take anyone - well, they took you! But nowadays, you've gotta have a cotchel of qualifications.
[pointing to Rodney]
Del Boy: I mean, what chance would Lawrence of Peckham stand?
Uncle Albert: I don't mean in the Royal navy. I was talking about the merchant. Just imagine it, Rodney. Monday, you sail out of Southhampton Water. Tuesday, you're through the Bay of Biscay. Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent. Thursday, you dock in Algiers...
Del Boy: [cutting in] And Friday it's your turn in the barrel!
Rodney: [distressed] Eh?
Uncle Albert: There was nothing like that on any of my vessels! A few funny ones but nothing like that!
Rodney: Well, funnily enough, Unc, *no*! How could I join the navy?
Del Boy: Exactly. In the old days they'd take anyone - well, they took you! But nowadays, you've gotta have a cotchel of qualifications.
[pointing to Rodney]
Del Boy: I mean, what chance would Lawrence of Peckham stand?
Uncle Albert: I don't mean in the Royal navy. I was talking about the merchant. Just imagine it, Rodney. Monday, you sail out of Southhampton Water. Tuesday, you're through the Bay of Biscay. Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent. Thursday, you dock in Algiers...
Del Boy: [cutting in] And Friday it's your turn in the barrel!
Rodney: [distressed] Eh?
Uncle Albert: There was nothing like that on any of my vessels! A few funny ones but nothing like that!
Del Boy: [after getting off a plane in Spain for winning a contest that is not all that legit] Well, before we get checked in I have gotta tell you something Rodney. This contest isn't quite as pucker as I made it out to be.
Cassandra Parry: Well he did win didn't he?
Rodney: [looking at the other winners] That's strange that is.
Del Boy: What is?
Rodney: Well I noticed it on the plane but it didn't quite register. Their all Mum's and Dad's. They have brought their kids with them.
Del Boy: It's not the parents who are the winners Rodder's... it's the kids. You see Rodney's painting won... in the under 15 years old category.
Cassandra Parry: So they think Rodney's 15?
Del Boy: Nah! No, No, No. They think your 14!
Cassandra Parry: Well he did win didn't he?
Rodney: [looking at the other winners] That's strange that is.
Del Boy: What is?
Rodney: Well I noticed it on the plane but it didn't quite register. Their all Mum's and Dad's. They have brought their kids with them.
Del Boy: It's not the parents who are the winners Rodder's... it's the kids. You see Rodney's painting won... in the under 15 years old category.
Cassandra Parry: So they think Rodney's 15?
Del Boy: Nah! No, No, No. They think your 14!
Del Boy: Now look Rodney, Raquel, Raquel is a lady and when a lady is ready to... well, when she's ready to, she will let me know.
Rodney: How?
Del Boy: Well, she'll give me a sign or something.
Rodney: Like what?
Del Boy: [thinks] I dunno.
Rodney: Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport.
Rodney: How?
Del Boy: Well, she'll give me a sign or something.
Rodney: Like what?
Del Boy: [thinks] I dunno.
Rodney: Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport.
Del Boy: [Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting] Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Del Boy: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Rodney: No! Did she report it?
Del Boy: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del Boy: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.
Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Del Boy: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Rodney: No! Did she report it?
Del Boy: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del Boy: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.
Uncle Albert: I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas that pick up with these rich old widows - what they call 'em - toy boys! You wanna see the stuff they pick up for presents. Solid gold watches, sports cars - money! Might be worth considering!
Rodney: [Del and Rodney give each other weird glances] Well, we both admire your spirit, Uncle, but don't you think you've left it a bit late for that sort of thing?
Uncle Albert: I'm not talking about me! I meant you!
Rodney: [incredulous] Me? I'm not selling my body to some old tart! Thank you!
Uncle Albert: Not even for the family?
Rodney: Especially not for the family! I'm not going to let myself become some... hooker!
Rodney: [Del and Rodney give each other weird glances] Well, we both admire your spirit, Uncle, but don't you think you've left it a bit late for that sort of thing?
Uncle Albert: I'm not talking about me! I meant you!
Rodney: [incredulous] Me? I'm not selling my body to some old tart! Thank you!
Uncle Albert: Not even for the family?
Rodney: Especially not for the family! I'm not going to let myself become some... hooker!
Del Boy: Oh, no, Raquel. You must never lose sight of your dream! When I was 18, I decided I was gonna be a millionaire by the time I was 21.
Raquel Turner: Really?
Del Boy: Yep... and when I was 21, I said I'd be a millionaire by the time I was 30... and when I was 30...
[referring to the biscuits]
Del Boy: Fancy a Jammy-Dodger?
Raquel Turner: Really?
Del Boy: Yep... and when I was 21, I said I'd be a millionaire by the time I was 30... and when I was 30...
[referring to the biscuits]
Del Boy: Fancy a Jammy-Dodger?
Uncle Albert: [after looking at an old WW2 photo of Uncle Albert's] Just a few hours after that photo was taken we was in action.
Del Boy: That's all you need, innit?
Uncle Albert: There was an American aircraft-carrier, anchored off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we'd only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn't half make a noise.
Del Boy: [incredulous] You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?
Uncle Albert: Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors.
Rodney: Was your ship badly damaged?
Uncle Albert: *We* couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk! Course, they tried to put the blame on me.
Del Boy: Sounds fair.
Uncle Albert: Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready!
Rodney: What, were you drunk?
Uncle Albert: Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light. You weren't allowed. There was a war on.
Del Boy: Course there was.
Uncle Albert: So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it happened in broad daylight.
Rodney: You didn't see an aircraft carrier?
Del Boy: Forty-two thousand tons of steel!
Uncle Albert: Well I wasn't close enough!
Rodney: You must have been reasonably close. Unc, you hit it!
Del Boy: They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!
Del Boy: That's all you need, innit?
Uncle Albert: There was an American aircraft-carrier, anchored off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we'd only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn't half make a noise.
Del Boy: [incredulous] You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?
Uncle Albert: Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors.
Rodney: Was your ship badly damaged?
Uncle Albert: *We* couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk! Course, they tried to put the blame on me.
Del Boy: Sounds fair.
Uncle Albert: Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready!
Rodney: What, were you drunk?
Uncle Albert: Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light. You weren't allowed. There was a war on.
Del Boy: Course there was.
Uncle Albert: So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it happened in broad daylight.
Rodney: You didn't see an aircraft carrier?
Del Boy: Forty-two thousand tons of steel!
Uncle Albert: Well I wasn't close enough!
Rodney: You must have been reasonably close. Unc, you hit it!
Del Boy: They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!
Del Boy: [after seeing what Rodney had bought with the company money] What's the weather like out?
Uncle Albert: It's parky, Del!
Del Boy: [sarcastic] Good, good! Nice thick frost is there?
Uncle Albert: Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!
Del Boy: Oh, cushty! Nice notherly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
Uncle Albert: Cut's right through you, Del!
Del Boy: Lovely! Because today, Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear, we're gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a right killing? We ain't got woolly underwear!
[produces bottle from box]
Del Boy: *We've* got sun-tan lotion! And we ain't got just a little drop of sun-tan lotion! We've got 500 bloody quids' worth of the stuff!
Rodney: I've told you, I bought it as an investment!
Del Boy: An Investment! Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for 2 million years, with the weatherman laying odds on a new Ice Age - this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
Uncle Albert: It's parky, Del!
Del Boy: [sarcastic] Good, good! Nice thick frost is there?
Uncle Albert: Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!
Del Boy: Oh, cushty! Nice notherly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
Uncle Albert: Cut's right through you, Del!
Del Boy: Lovely! Because today, Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear, we're gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a right killing? We ain't got woolly underwear!
[produces bottle from box]
Del Boy: *We've* got sun-tan lotion! And we ain't got just a little drop of sun-tan lotion! We've got 500 bloody quids' worth of the stuff!
Rodney: I've told you, I bought it as an investment!
Del Boy: An Investment! Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for 2 million years, with the weatherman laying odds on a new Ice Age - this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire!
Rodney: [pointing at Uncle Albert] Well it's his fault isn't it?
Uncle Albert: [to Del] What's he on about now?
Del Boy: Oh I don't bleedin know, do I?
Rodney: Look, every single battleship, cruiser and merchant ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed of dive-bombed... and two of them in peace-time! I'm telling you Del, that man is a jinx!
Del Boy: Oh leave it out Rodney. You'll be burning Witches next!
Uncle Albert: [to Del] What's he on about now?
Del Boy: Oh I don't bleedin know, do I?
Rodney: Look, every single battleship, cruiser and merchant ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed of dive-bombed... and two of them in peace-time! I'm telling you Del, that man is a jinx!
Del Boy: Oh leave it out Rodney. You'll be burning Witches next!
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