A high strung and cynical man's life is never the same when his naive but good-natured cousin comes to America to live with him.

[Larry has rented Balki a tuxedo]
Balki Bartokomous: Yours?
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: Yours... looks... just like mine.
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: But if we dress alike, how will people tell us apart?
Larry Appleton: Dental records.
[after Larry and Balki lock themselves in a phone booth to call 911, a thug smashes the glass to the booth with his bare fist, then rips the handset of the phone, so they can't get help]
Balki Bartokomous: ...well, now you've done it! You're going to have to answer to the
Balki Bartokomous: phone company!
Balki Bartokomous: Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!
Larry Appleton: I have...
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, God.
Larry Appleton: ...a plan.
[Larry is hanging from a hook on the wall]
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, do it for me, please?
Larry Appleton: No, no...
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, please. Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way is it to the Emerald City?
Larry Appleton: Some people go that way, and some people go that way...
Balki Bartokomous: But, of course, people do go both ways.
[Larry is installing a shower head]
Balki Bartokomous: Where are the instructions?
Larry Appleton: I threw them out.
Balki Bartokomous: You threw them out?
Larry Appleton: Appletons have never used instructions. My dad completely rewired the house in Denver without instructions.
Balki Bartokomous: Isn't that the house that burned to the ground?
[Larry pauses for a second]
Larry Appleton: [sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring.
[Twinkacetti is staying with the guys after his wife threw him out]
Donnie Twinkacetti: Hey, Appleton, I read your diary. You're a sick man.
Larry Appleton: Was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
Balki Bartokomous: Are you asking did - did I see *steam* rising from his head or did I see *you* rising from his head?
Larry Appleton: I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
Balki Bartokomous: Okay... Okay, are you asking was it *me* who saw steam rising from his head or was it *you* who saw steam rising from his head?
Larry Appleton: I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
Balki Bartokomous: [pause] Yes. Now, I have one for you - Was it me... or was that Miss Lydia's beauty mark sliding down her cheek?
Larry Appleton: It was you. It was definitely you sliding down her cheek.
Balki Bartokomous: Hi, cousin! I just baked a big batch of bing bong binki binki bakalava.
Larry Appleton: ...Bing bong binki binki bakalava?
Balki Bartokomous: Bingo! Want a big bite, booby?
Larry Appleton: Better not, buddy.
Balki Bartokomous: ...bummer.
Larry Appleton: Bitter, Balki?
Balki Bartokomous: You bet your Bibby Babkas I'm bitter, baby! I busted my butt baking these itty bitty binkis, and believe me, I banked on a bit of basic brotherly bolstering!
Larry Appleton: Balki, buddy, baby!
[after Larry confesses a lie to Jennifer, and mentions several other unrelated lies at the same time]
Balki Bartokomous: Boy, when you come clean you leave a ring around the tub!
Balki Bartokomous: I wash my face of the whole business!
Larry Appleton: I didn't lie. At most, I massaged the truth a little.
Balki Bartokomous: Massaged? You gave it a full body scrub and a mud bath!
Larry Appleton: Our goal for this evening is to acheive physical contact. Now how do we acheive physical contact?
Balki Bartokomous: Begging?
Larry Appleton: Dancing.
Balki Bartokomous: [trying to think of the most offensive thing he can] I hope you fall on your face with your hands in your pockets!
Balki Bartokomous: You may call it intuition, you may call it common sense, you may call the wind Mariah...
Balki Bartokomous: You said that you would not go overboard, and now look at you. You're scraping barnacles off the Titanic.
[repeated line]
Balki Bartokomous: Well, of course not, don't be ridi-cool-us.
Larry Appleton: Oh, my lord...
Mr. Wainwright: Appleton, you idiot!
Larry Appleton: I just shot my boss in the butt.
Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: You know, having a ghost would explain so many things! Like how when you open the refrigerator, the light goes on!
Jennifer Lyons Appleton: No Maryanne, the light goes on because...
[pauses for a moment, then decides to give up]
Jennifer Lyons Appleton: Yes, Maryanne. Having a ghost would explain that.
Larry Appleton: Take three steps east, please be meticulous.
Balki Bartokomous: Well of course we will, don't be ridiculous.
Balki Bartokomous: Momma told me never to do the dance of joy alone, or I would go blind.
Balki Bartokomous: Where do I come up with them?
[after Larry tells them they need to bake 2,000 "Bibby Bobkas" to sell to a restaurant]
Jennifer Lyons Appleton: Larry, it took us all morning to bake three dozen. Do you know how many dozen 2,000 are?
[Larry stops to try to calculate it in his head]
Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: [without stopping to calculate it] 166 and 2/3 dozen.
[everyone looks at her in confused amazement]
Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: [as if it explained everything perfectly] My father was a carpenter.
Balki Bartokomous: Your ship has finally hit the fan!
Mr. Gorpley: And then there was the Christmas where my house burned down and I had to go to the hospital. No, that was a good Christmas. I got to sleep in a real bed!
Balki Bartokomous: Oh give me a line of credit.
Balki Bartokomous: Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky!

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