Phyllis Diller — American Comedian born on July 17, 1917, died on August 20, 2012

Phyllis Ada Driver, better known as Phyllis Diller, was an American stand-up comedian, actress, singer, dancer, and voice artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her wild hair and clothes, and her exaggerated, cackling laugh... (wikipedia)

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.