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A down-to-earth account of the lives of both illustrious and ordinary Romans set in the last days of the Roman Republic.
Mark Antony: I really think you should reconsider. Gaius Julius Caesar: Anyone else, certainly. But those 2 - they found my golden standard and survived a storm that killed an army. Now they come face to face with Pompay Magnus. They have powerful Gods on their side. And I will never kill a man with such powerful friends.
Gaius Julius Caesar: [evaluating his chances against Pompey's more numerous legions] Our men must win or die. Pompey's men have... other options.
Atia of the Julii: A large penis is always welcome!
Lucius Vorenus: THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!
Gaius Julius Caesar: I didn't know he existed until he didn't.
Niobe: [with admiration while helping Lucius put on his magistrate's toga] Look at you. Titus Pullo: You look like laundry.
[Vorenus wakes up to find his horse has been stolen] Lucius Vorenus: Fortune pisses on me once again!
Titus Pullo: [wakes up during the night; sees Eirene approaching] Titus Pullo: [smiles] Titus Pullo: Eirene. It's good to see you. [she puts a knife to his throat] Titus Pullo: [gasps, but doesn't fight her] Fair enough. Titus Pullo: [closes eyes] [she presses in the knife, but hesitates] Titus Pullo: [peeks] Titus Pullo: Erm... i-if-if... If you can't do it... th-that's all right too.
Titus Pullo: It's as hot as Vulcan's dick.
Atia of the Julii: [concerning Servilia's invitation] Why would she want to see me? She hates me! Mark Antony: So do I; that's no bar to friendship.
Atia of the Julii: [to Cleopatra] Die screaming, you pig spawn trollop.
Servilia of the Junii: Gods of the Junii, with this offering I ask you to summon Tyche, Megaera, and Nemesis so that they may witness this curse. By the spirits of my ancestors I curse Gaius Julius Caesar. Let his penis shrink. Let his bones crack. Let him see his legionnaires drown in their own blood. Gods of the Junii, I offer to you his limbs, his mouth, his breath, his speech, his hands, his heart, his stomach. Gods of the Inferno, let me see him suffer deeply, and I will rejoice and sacrifice to you.
Gaius Julius Caesar: He refuses to meet me!
[to Octavius] Atia of the Julii: You fucked your sister! You little pervert!
Gaius Octavian Caesar: You shall leave this city. You shall go to your Eastern provinces, and you shall not come back. Mark Antony: Or else what, boy? Gaius Octavian Caesar: You shall leave this city or I will declare our alliance broken. I will have this sad story read in the forum, I will have it posted in every city in Italy, and you know the people are not so liberal with their wives as you. They shall say you wear cuckolds horns; they shall say your wife betrayed you with a low-born plebe on my staff. You will be a figure of fun. The proles will laugh at you in the street. Your soldiers will mock you behind your back. [Antony puts his hands around Octavians neck as if to strangle him] Gaius Octavian Caesar: Go on, strike me. See what will happen. [Antony lets go and starts to leave] Gaius Octavian Caesar: Oh, and Antony, if you find that gold, you'll be sure to tell me, won't you?
Cassius: Look now. Look at that. Marcus Junius Brutus: It is a chair. What of it? Cassius: A chair? It's a throne! Marcus Junius Brutus: I believe thrones are generally more decorative. That is decidedly plain, and chair-like.
Cleopatra: A man without sons is a man without a future.