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A sixteen-year-old high-school student finds out she's a witch.
[a spell turns Salem blonde] Salem: I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped 20 points! Zelda: [pointing to each of the Spellman women] Blonde, blonde, blonde. [points at Salem] Zelda: Dead.
Zelda: Welcome home, sunshine! How was your day? Sabrina: Here's a quick recap: There was boredom followed by dullness with a dash of echh!
Salem: Dogs guard; cats watch... and judge.
Sabrina: You are so weird! Salem: [nodding] It helps break up the day.
Salem: Finally! I'm free! I have no place to go.
Sabrina: It can take years to develop a craft. Look at my aunts Hilda and Zelda. Josh: Which craft were they involved in? Which craft were they involved in? Sabrina: Witchcraft? Who said anything about witchcraft?
Zelda: What's the matter? Sabrina: What's the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl all at the same time. That's what's the matter. Salem: At least you still have your thumbs... and a door on your bathroom!
Sabrina: [trying to fix a broken radio] [hits it and it starts working] Sabrina: It works! And they say violence doesn't solve anything.
Salem: Hello, this is your guard speaking. Harvey is at the front door, and send me a sandwich!
Valerie: Gordy, are you even aware that there's a dance on Friday? Salem: I'll pick you up at 8. What kind of flowers do you like? Valerie: Surprise me! Salem: That means roses.
[a bird is twittering outside the window] Salem: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why must you keep tormenting me?
Zelda: So that's your plan? Vesta: Please, I don't plan! I scheme!
Harvey Kinkle: A penny saved is a penny earned. Salem: Don't eat the yellow snow.
Zelda: [Sabrina's going on a trip] Wear seat belts! Watch the road! Avoid ice! Don't pass on mountain roads! Hilda: Have fun? Zelda: That's implied.
Hilda: A cat is doing an imitation of me kissing my niece's vice-principal. So this is my lowest point.
Hilda: What's my bra doing on the roof? Salem: Erm, the squirrels needed a nutfeeder...
Miles Goodman: Up 'til now we've known each other only as roomates, but I'm open to other avenues. Roxie King: Take a U-turn.
Salem: Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony. Zelda: I'm gonna write him a very stern letter. Salem: You're a regular Mad Max aren't ya?
Zelda: I think he's too young for me. He's so excited about the turn of the century. Hilda: I know, really. I partied like it was 1699, 1799, 1899 - in 1999, I'm staying home.
Sabrina: [Harvey comes to pick her up] Good news, you don't have to loiter uncomfortably in the lobby and make awkward small talk with my aunts while you wait because I am already ready.
Salem: Earthquake! Zelda: But we're in Massachusetts. Sabrina: [Looks out the window] Is that a beanstalk? Salem: Beanstalk!
Zelda: Sabrina, you're not a rumpist, are you? Sabrina: A rumpist? What's a rumpist? Zelda: Someone who judges others by their rear ends. Sabrina: No. OK, not usually.
Salem: [speaking to a dog - subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen which read; go get me the meat of the... ] Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, oh shoot i forgot the word for floor, oh yeah, woof
[repeated line] Libby Chessler: Ew.
Jenny: You're so lucky your parents are strict! My parents are really relaxed, which makes it hard to rebel!
Zelda: He just needs to remember his childhood dreams. You know what? I am going out and get him a copy of 'What color is your parachute' Hilda: Oh what a sweet idea. [Zelda leaves] Hilda: [to Sabrina] It will never work. You'd better use magic.
Sabrina: Having magic and being a witch is great and all, but I can't live without seeing my mother.
Salem: [playing with a tassel on a cushion] Don't you toy with me you saucy minx!
Harvey Kinkle: [after an accident] Is everybody ok? Sabrina: Well, I didn't hear a voice say, "Sabrina, step into the light," so I guess I'm ok.
[All of Salem's mined magic is used on Sabrina] Salem: Well, at least I'm young. No, that's Sabrina. Well, at least I have my own magic. No, wait, that's Sabrina. At least I'm a biped, no, no, wait, THAT'S SABRINA!
Hilda: I just haven't turned myself into wind in years. Salem: Would cabbage help?
Zelda: So that was a dead end, but I think if we systematically retrace your steps over the last three months... Hilda: [Interrupting] Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying. Zelda: No, not really.
Sabrina: [about the Washing Machine engineer, who has a tail] He can't stay! He has a tail! Salem: What's wrong with having a tail?
[Sabrina does magic] Brad Johnson: Hey! What was that spark? Sabrina: Um, static electricity?
Hilda: Ah ha! You were measuring behind my back. You were going to redecorate Sabrina's room without me! Zelda: I didn't think you'd mind. Hilda: Why not? Zelda: Because you're a kind and giving person... And you have no taste.
Zelda: Okay... do you know where to call in case of an emergency? Salem: THE MONEY STORE? Zelda: Salem! Salem: Yes... I've got your pager number.
Miles Goodman: I need you to summarize your being in four words or less. Hot Girl: Not. Interested. In. You.
James: I used to be a spy, you know. [points to the back of his head] James: Sean Penn got me right here. [points to his forehead] James: P. Diddy got me right here. [points to his chest] James: Celine Dion got me right here. Sabrina: She hit you? James: No. The song she did for "Titanic" always chokes me up.
Valerie: OK, I'll come over to your house... Sabrina: Ok. NO, PIRATES! Valerie: Pirates? Sabrina: I didn't say pirates... I said By gum! By Gum don't come over here!
Salem: I'm gonna be tossed out into the snow on my nicely rounded buttocks.