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The continuing misadventures of neurotic New York stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his equally neurotic New York friends.
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service? Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later? Telemarketer: Uh, well I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that. Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home. Telemarketer: No. Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [Jerry hangs up phone]
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. Jerry: I went out with you. Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus. Jerry: Wow. George Costanza: You're Batman. Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop. Jerry: You kept making all the stops? Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life. George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life. Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job? George Costanza: No. Cosmo Kramer: You got money? George Costanza: No. Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman? George Costanza: No. Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects? George Costanza: No. Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon? George Costanza: Uh, no. Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all? George Costanza: No. Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.
Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.
George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Jerry: I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes. Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person? Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.
George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp.
Jerry: Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Newman: Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information.
George Costanza: My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
Cosmo Kramer: [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out! Elaine: What? Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.
Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct? George Costanza: Who said that? Mr. Lippman: She did. George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time. Mr. Lippman: You're fired! George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
George Costanza: What gives you pleasure? Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish. Jerry: Mammal. George Costanza: Whatever. Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next? George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. [George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball] Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist? [George nods] Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
Jerry: You can't keep avoiding her. George Costanza: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.
Elaine: Where's Kramer? Jerry: Who knows? It's like asking where's Waldo.
[Kramer gave blood to Jerry] Jerry: I can feel his blood inside of me, borrowing things from my blood.
Jerry: So we're gonna make the Post Office pay for my new stereo now? Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them. Jerry: How is it a write-off? Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off. Jerry: Write it off what? Jerry: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything. Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is. Cosmo Kramer: Do you? Jerry: No, I don't. Cosmo Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries? George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay! Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment. George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries! [falls down] Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem. [hangs up phone] Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was? Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.
George Costanza: George is gettin' upset!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you. Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me. Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.
George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries? Jerry: No, what happened to you? George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries". Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries? George Costanza: Right. Jerry: What is that? George Costanza: You're in latex. Jerry: What do I do with latex? George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it. Elaine: Right here in this little apartment? Jerry: And what do I say about you? George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman. Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that? George Costanza: Because I asked you to. Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
George Costanza: You don't think she'd yada yada sex? Elaine: [raising hand] I've yada yada'ed sex. George Costanza: Really? Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part. Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless. George Costanza: How good of a look did you get? Jerry: What do you mean? George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police... Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open? Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
Ronnie: [to George] I've been living a lie. George Costanza: You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.
Frank Costanza: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this. Elaine: You got that right. Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean? Elaine: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean. Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me? [hits his chest] Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt. Frank Costanza: [yelling] You want a piece of me? You got it!
Jerry: What are you saying? Elaine: I'm not saying anything. Jerry: You're saying something. Elaine: What could I be saying? Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something. Elaine: If I were saying something, I would have said it. Jerry: So why don't you say it? Elaine: I said it. Jerry: What did you say? Elaine: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head. Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head? Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
Jerry: You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
Jerry: We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
George Costanza: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
George Costanza: And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine. Jerry: That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...
George Costanza: I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
Elaine: [making a toast] Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.
[George is wearing prescription goggles] George Costanza: I got to get out of this city. Jerry: So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?
George Costanza: I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
[George sees two women holding hands in a video store, one of whom is his ex, Susan] George Costanza: [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.
Frank Costanza: Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way. Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll? Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.
Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
Lloyd Braun: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow. George Costanza: What do you know? You were in the nut house. Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there? George Costanza: I heard they found a family in your freezer. Lloyd Braun: Serenity now. Insanity later.
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret? Elaine: No sir, I can't.
Jerry: Oh, this is interesting... Elaine: What? Jerry: Jane's topless. [everyone takes a look] Cosmo Kramer: Yo yo ma. Jerry: Boutros Boutros Ghali... Elaine: Nice rack.
Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants. George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you. George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego. George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you? Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with? Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself... George Costanza: May I...? Jerry: Go ahead. George Costanza: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing. Russell Dalrymple: Nothing? George Costanza: Nothing! Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean? George Costanza: The show is about nothing!
George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates? Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates. George Costanza: What do they say? Cosmo Kramer: Assman. Jerry: Assman? Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman! Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"? George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's. Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass. Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist. Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist. George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car. Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
Cosmo Kramer: Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".
Cosmo Kramer: You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU.
Jerry: Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings. George Costanza: What do you care what she thinks? Jerry: Good body.
George Costanza: [Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming. Jerry: I think she saw it coming.
Frank Costanza: [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now. George Costanza: What is that? Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW" George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it? Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
[Stand-up on birthdays] Jerry: All you did was not die for twelve months!
Cosmo Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle.
George Costanza: Only I could fail at failing.
[talking about being on the dating scene] Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there, George. George Costanza: No, you're not out there. Estelle Costanza: I am, too. George Costanza: You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
Cosmo Kramer: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand. Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, you want to go down to the Bronx and help me take flyers off George's car? Cosmo Kramer: [without hesitating] Sure. Jerry: Could've said just about anything, couldn't I?
Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience? George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman. Cushman: Go on. George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it. Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this? George Costanza: Of course. Cushman: My niece told me you were different. George Costanza: I am different, yeah.
Jerry: [about Kramer] If you feed him, he'll never leave.
Jerry: Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce. Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you. Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece? Newman: Gladly. [Newman spits it out] Newman: Vile weed!
[Jerry cries for the first time] Jerry: What is this salty discharge?
George Costanza: So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.
Jerry: Ah, you're crazy. Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? Jerry: It's impossible. Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top? Jerry: It can't be. Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you? Jerry: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!
Jackie Chiles: [speaking at a rapid clip, about one sentence per second] You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?
Jerry: Have ya been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there. Elaine: So, basically what you're saying is 95% of the population is undatable? Jerry: UNDATABLE. Elaine: So how are all these people gettin' together? Jerry: Alcohol.
Elaine: You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual. George Costanza: It doesn't help.
[Knock on door] Jerry: [opens door, and sees three Cuban guys] Yes? Cuban Man: Jerry Seinfeld? Jerry: Yeah. Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. So, you got the cigars? Cuban Man: What cigars? Jerry: Kramer told me I was supposed to pick up some Cubans. Cuban Man: Yes. We are the Cubans.
Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced, and now my Nana's missing. Cosmo Kramer: Well don't look at me. Jerry: It's your fault. Cosmo Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed] Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
Jerry: People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance? Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.
Jerry: [George comes out of the doctor's office looking puzzled] So how was it? George Costanza: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks. Jerry: Well, its a first visit. George Costanza: Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this. [long pause] George Costanza: I'm only paying half. Jerry: You can't do that. George Costanza: Why not? Jerry: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says. George Costanza: Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say.
George Costanza: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it. Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages. George Costanza: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
Jerry: Where's Marcy? George Costanza: She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense. Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
George Costanza: I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy. Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend... George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes... Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk... George Costanza: Okay, the point is made. Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... [George leaves] Jerry: The bad tipper!
[two noisy people behind him in cinema] Corinne: George maybe we should move away. George Costanza: That won't be necessary. [Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers] George Costanza: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT! [Applause]
Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal. Cosmo Kramer: It's not illegal. Jerry: It's against the law. Cosmo Kramer: Well, yeah...
Frank Costanza: George, festivus is your heritage!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea. Elaine: That seems about right.
George Costanza: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery. Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
George Costanza: Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends... Jerry: That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends. [pauses] Jerry: Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either...
Jerry: [about to go watch an operation] Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up.
George Costanza: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV? Cosmo Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?
[staff meeting at J. Peterman; Anna, one of Elaine's employees, enters wearing George's Yankee jacket] Elaine: Anna, whose jacket is that? Anna: It's mine. Elaine: Oh really? Because, it looks a bit big on you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man would wear.
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do. Jerry: You're a cashier.
Cosmo Kramer: I thought you said she stinks. Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
[George is planning to name his 1st child "Seven"] Jerry: Hmmm, "Seven Costanza". Yep, I can see it now: Seven periods of school per day, seven beatings a day, seven stitches per beating, followed by seven years to life.
Cosmo Kramer: [toasting] Here's to feeling good all the time.
[Kramer's face is haggard from smoking] Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect? Cosmo Kramer: Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face. Jerry: And your teeth... they're all brown. Cosmo Kramer: Look away. I'm hideous.
Elaine Benes: Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye. Jerry: No, there's less.
Jerry: [Jerry, & George are talking at the bar. Marla & Stacy are at the other end of the bar. Jerry used to date Marla, so he greets her and she walks over to talk to George & Jerry] Marla! Marla Penny: Jerry! Jerry: George, Marla. George Costanza: Marla. Marla Penny: George. Jerry, Stacy. Jerry: Stacy. Stacy: Jerry. Jerry: George, Stacy. George Costanza: Stacy. Stacy: George. Jerry: George. George Costanza: Jerry, Marla. Stacy!
Jerry: I learned something. Letting my emotions out was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sure, I'm not funny anymore. There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!
[phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home] George Costanza: Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. [beep]
Mr. Ross: I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children. George Costanza: Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.
[George is eating all the shrimp] Riley: Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp. George Costanza: Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you. Riley: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller. George Costanza: Yeah well... I had sex with your wife. Board member: His wife is in a coma.
Elaine: All right, let's go, I'll give you half an hour. Jerry: You're serious? Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship. Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.
George Costanza: I'm speechless. I have no speech.
Cosmo Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty. George Costanza: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they? Elaine: What does that mean? George Costanza: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
[repeated line] Jerry: That's a shame.
Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.
[after Kramer tells everyone he is dating a lesbian] Jerry: She has never been with a man in her entire life. Cosmo Kramer: ...I'm Kramer.
David Puddy: [to Elaine] I'll be back. We'll make out.
[about Elaine dating Puddy] Cosmo Kramer: She's dating him again? Jerry: She's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.
[in Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Why did you have to open your big mouth? Cosmo Kramer: What? Jerry: George doesn't need to hear that his girlfriend looks like me. Neither do I, for that matter. First the Sally Weaver thing, now this. Cosmo Kramer: You're just mad because you're having a bad day. Jerry: Yes. Because of you. Cosmo Kramer: Well, in that case I think one of us should leave. [Kramer and Jerry stare at each other and don't move]
[at a New York Marathon party] Jerry: [discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building] You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. [Points to himself] Jerry: This is an idiot. George Costanza: Is that right? [showing him up] George Costanza: I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots. Roxanne: [yelling out the window] You're all winners! George Costanza: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
Elaine: You were born in Italy? Frank Costanza: Yeah, that's why I could never become president. That's also why, from an early age, I never had any interest in politics. I refuse to vote. THEY DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T WANT THEM.
Jerry: Hello, 911? How are ya?
[Kramer has a vanity plate, "Assman", and parks in a reserved hospital zone] Security guard: Can I help you? Cosmo Kramer: [points to his license plate] Uh, yeah, Doctor Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.
George Costanza: You're gonna over-dry your laundry. Jerry: You can't over-dry. George Costanza: Why not? Jerry: Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry. George Costanza: Any questions?
George Costanza: No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there. Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry. George Costanza: Blackberry, boysenberry. Jerry: Boysenberry, huckleberry. George Costanza: Huckleberry, raspberry. Jerry: Raspberry, strawberry. George Costanza: Strawberry, cranberry. Jerry: [pause] Peach.
George Costanza: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk." Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language. George Costanza: That, or "Who's bra is this?"
[talking about his love of the word "manure"] George Costanza: When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.
Aldon Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy? George Costanza: [pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian. Jerry: I'm just a regular person. George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest. Aldon Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. [long pause] Aldon Benes: There's nothing funny about that.
Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times? Jerry: Yes. [hangs up]
[At the Puerto Rican Day Parade] Elaine: We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.
George Costanza: Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
[Elaine's boyfriend is poor] George Costanza: Who is this, Blue Arrow? Elaine: No, the Green Lantern. Jerry: His superpower is lack of money. Elaine: All right. Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors. Elaine: We get it. Jerry: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
[George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine] Jerry: [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there. George Costanza: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up. Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
Noel: I am breaking up with YOU. George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand. Noel: And you're going to need it...
Cosmo Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.
[Jerry takes Newman's mail route so Newman can get transfered to Hawaii] Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody's ever cracked the 50% barrier. Jerry: I tried my best! Newman: *Exactly*. You're a disgrace to the uniform. [Newman rips USPS patch off of coat] Jerry: You know, this is your coat. Newman: [looks at torn patch] Damn.
George Costanza: I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal... medium orgasm. Jerry: I never had a really good pickle.
[Kramer and Morty are running for Condo President] Elaine: Who are they running against? Jerry: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
[Jerry's on the phone with the cops] Jerry: But officer, he threatened me. That's not right. What if I was the President of the United States? I'm sure you'd investigate. Well, I'm a comedian in the United States. And believe me, I'm under just as much pressure. All right, thanks anyway. OK, bye.
George Costanza: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
George Costanza: You could always move in with my parents. Elaine: Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct? George Costanza: Instinct. Elaine: Stick with the opposite.
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her. Jerry: Really? George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?
Jerry: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's! Cosmo Kramer: Well, those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.
[George is buying invitations] Sales Clerk: Have you been in here before? George Costanza: About a year ago. Wedding invitations. Sales Clerk: How did that work out? George Costanza: No complaints.
George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
George Costanza: I was raised to say 'God bless you.' Jerry: [sneezes] George Costanza: Ah, shut up!
[after a long discussion about Pez] George Costanza: What's a three-letter word for "candy"? Jerry: I can't do those things.
[discussing George's ATM code] Jerry: Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it? George Costanza: I am not giving you my code. Cosmo Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it. George Costanza: Pssh. Yeah. Right. Cosmo Kramer: Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you? George Costanza: Huh? Cosmo Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth. George Costanza: Get out of here. Cosmo Kramer: Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean. George Costanza: I'm leaving. Cosmo Kramer: [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you! George Costanza: I gotta go. Cosmo Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's! George Costanza: Shut up! Cosmo Kramer: Nestlé's Quik! George Costanza: Shut up!
George Costanza: I don't even like Drake. Jerry: You don't like The Drake? George Costanza: I hate The Drake. Elaine: I loooooove The Drake! Jerry: How could you not like The Drake? George Costanza: Who's The Drake? Elaine: Who's The Drake! Jerry: The Drake is good.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.
[George's parents are getting a divorce] Jerry: It's too bad his parents didn't do that a long time ago. He could have been normal.
[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars] George Steinbrenner: So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
Jerry: [Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp] I thought you weren't coming back till Monday. Cosmo Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early. Jerry: Why? Cosmo Kramer: Well, there was an incident. Jerry: What happened? Cosmo Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
George Costanza: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Jerry: Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year? Newman: As a matter of fact, I did. Jerry: Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.
George Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes. Jerry: You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him. George Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.
Jerry: [about Newman] He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys...
Elaine: [walking over to a party at a Chinese restaurant] Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.
George Costanza: I gotta call Elaine. Jerry: She's out. George Costanza: Oh, yeah. The blind date. Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
[George is munching on pretzels from a bag] Cosmo Kramer: [to George, who is wearing women's glasses] May I have one of those, madame?
Jerry: You know, I never expected that movie... Lisi, Elaine's Friend: To end under water. Jerry: To be so long. Usually movies like that... Lisi, Elaine's Friend: Are a lot more violent. Jerry: Are a lot shorter. Lisi, Elaine's Friend: I should... Jerry: Get going.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months? Newman: What's the catch? Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair. Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts... and a comb!
Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur coat. Cosmo Kramer: Come on, Jerry. If you don't do it, Newman and I are out of the building. Jerry: Hmm... Cosmo Kramer: Ok, Jerry, just take a good look at what your life would be like without me around. Jerry: [thinks for a few seconds] Newman too? Cosmo Kramer: Come on.
[Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car] George Costanza: So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo? Elaine: I did. Jerry: And the Christian rock? Elaine: Resurrected.
[Kramer has an intern] Intern: Mr. Newman on line 2... Jerry: Line 2? Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your phone is line 1.
Jerry: You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate. Newman: What? I love broccoli. Jerry: Oh yeah? Taste. [Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up] Newman: Vile weed.
Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
George Costanza: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up". Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that? George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
[George is talking about himself in the third person] George Costanza: I think it's time for George's lunch. George Steinbrenner: Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.
Jerry: You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony? George Costanza: Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.
Jerry: [On phone] Hello? Elaine: So how's it going with my friend? Jerry: She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs. George Costanza: [Sometime later] So you slept with her? Jerry: She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over. George Costanza: And you automatically sleep with her? Jerry: I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of... George Costanza: Finished your thought. Jerry: Yeah.
Jerry: [to George] You, my friend, have crossed the line between man and bum.
Jerry: Yada, Yada, Yada.
[Answering the phone] Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?
Newman: I propose... AN ALLIANCE. Jerry: An alliance?... Deal. [Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh] Jerry: [stops laughing abruptly] Now, get the hell out of here.
Frank Costanza: I'm like the Phoenix, rising from Arizona.
Jerry: You're giving up that easily? Newman: I usually do. Jerry: Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too.
Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell. Jerry: That seems about right.
Jerry: [as Kramer is miming emotions] Well, what does this mean? Cosmo Kramer: Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man-love towards She-Jerry.
George Costanza: I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time [Jerry interrupts] Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.
George Costanza: All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance. Jerry: You've made some fine exits.
Jerry: A house in the Hamptons? George Costanza: Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
Priest: [Jerry is in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son. Jerry: Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish. Priest: That's no sin. Jerry: Oh, good.
George Costanza: She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on. Jerry: Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on.
[Kramer walks in with cigars] Cosmo Kramer: Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time. George Costanza: Why? Cosmo Kramer: You remember that coffee table book I wrote? Jerry: Yeah. Cosmo Kramer: Well, the company sold the movie rights to it. George Costanza: How are they going to make that book into a movie? Cosmo Kramer: You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day". Jerry: Oh. So, how much are they paying you? Cosmo Kramer: Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time. Jerry: That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time. Cosmo Kramer: I'm officially retired. Jerry: From what?
Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me. Cosmo Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster... Maybe a virgin. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl, there was a boy, it didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer. Jerry: Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.
Jerry: Cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
Elaine: I got shooshed during Desperado. Jerry: Desperado? And you're still dating him? I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado...
George Costanza: Here's the outlet. Slippery Pete: The what? George Costanza: The outlet. Where the electricity comes from. Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.
George Costanza: What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game? Jerry: You do make good comments. George Costanza: So? Jerry: Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting. George Costanza: [pause] Well that's really not fair. Jerry: I know.
[Kramer is putting butter on his face] Jerry: What the hell are you doing? Cosmo Kramer: I ran out of butter, so I had to use yours. Any other questions, Mr. Nosy?
Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey". David Puddy: I don't much care for that term. Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know... David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector. Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language. David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko. Jerry: Yeah, Koko. David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five.
[Jerry's kitchen is full of sausages] Jerry: What's this? You said you were watching a video. Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausage.
Jerry: Boy, you sure do have a lot of friends, how come I never see any of these people? Cosmo Kramer: They want to know how come they never see you.
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain? George Costanza: I'm king of the county. You? Jerry: I'm lord of the manor.
Elaine: Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you? Jerry: I'm a comedian.
George Costanza: You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting. Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox? George Costanza: Yeah, why not, what do I care... Jerry: Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes. Elaine: I think it would be romantic. George Costanza: Really? Elaine: Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh. George Costanza: King Edward. [snapping fingers] George Costanza: Like King Edward, Jerry! Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
George Costanza: And to think I'd fail at failing... Jerry: Aw, come on, now. George Costanza: I feel like I cant do anything wrong. Jerry: Nonsense. You do everything wrong. George Costanza: You think so? Jerry: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you. George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again. Jerry: That's the spirit. You suck.
[pretending they haven't seen each other in years] George Costanza: So, what've you been doing with yourself? Jerry: I'm a comedian. George Costanza: Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor. Jerry: Yeah, yeah... [long pause] Jerry: Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?
Frank Costanza: I am not allowing my wife to date a bra salesman. Estelle Costanza: Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them.
Elaine: Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am? Jerry: Anything's possible.
[George trying to find a parking space] Elaine: Why don't you park in a garage? George Costanza: ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
Elaine: [about to get a rabies shot] Will this hurt? Doctor: Yes, very much.
Elaine: Okay, what's your answer to number 74? Ben: Uh, metabolic acidosis. Elaine: No! Hypokalemia! Not metabolic acidosis! Duh!
George Costanza: I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.
Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand. Elaine: It's ironic. Woman: What's ironic? Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties. Woman: No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?
Jerry: Are you sure you want to get married? I mean, it's a big change of life. Elaine: Jerry, it's 3 a.m. and I'm at a cock fight. What am I clinging to?
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist. Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'. Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
George Costanza: [about a nice, new apartment that Jerry's thinking of getting] Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all... *at all*... Do not feel like you have to take it. Jerry: Why? George Costanza: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it... because, uh, you know... I-I-I could take it, you know. Jerry: You could take it? You want it? George Costanza: No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it. Jerry: So you... *do* want it? George Costanza: No, I want it if you don't want it. Jerry: You just said you wanted it! George Costanza: No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.
George Costanza: I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance? Jerry: Elaine danced? George Costanza: More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.
George Costanza: They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry. Jerry: Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.
George Costanza: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.
[Looking at Elaine's Christmas card (photo by Kramer)] Jerry: I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see... a nipple.
Jerry: [to Newman] I'll do it. For whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me.
Jerry: I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Superbowl sex romp.
Cosmo Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning. Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning? Cosmo Kramer: Well, I guess I was. Elaine: What were you going to wear home? Cosmo Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.
George Costanza: Do women know about shrinkage? Elaine: What do you mean? Like laundry? George Costanza: No. Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards... Elaine: It shrinks? Jerry: Like a frigthened turtle. Elaine: Why does it shrink? George Costanza: It just does. Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
George Costanza: Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work. Jerry: I've never had a job.
[about George's Gortex coat] Cosmo Kramer: You'd better be careful with that coat... You'll start a war!
George Costanza: And I got a job interview. It's in sports. Jerry: Mets? Rangers? George Costanza: Playground equipment. Jerry: Welcome back to the show.
[George is buying a wig] Jerry: Why don't you just get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get this whole thing over with?
George Costanza: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
[At Yankees batting practice] George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. [Hits a home run] George Costanza: It's not complicated. Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again? George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary. Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee? George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games? Derek Jeter: We won the World Series. George Costanza: In six games.
[George is wearing a toupee] Elaine: YOU'RE BALD. George Costanza: Correction. I WAS bald.
Cosmo Kramer: [lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.
[Jerry got his dad a shirt that says "#1 Dad"] Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is the most thoughtful gift you've ever given me. Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac... Twice.
George Costanza: We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure.
George Costanza: You're killing independent George.
Jerry: You got the job? George Costanza: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view. Jerry: Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped? George Costanza: Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me. Jerry: Ho-How can you do this? George Costanza: Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.
George Costanza: [seeing Elaine's dance at an office party] "Sweet fancy Moses"
George Costanza: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans. Jerry: Those belong to people.
George Costanza: Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do. Jerry: And if you do? George Costanza: Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.
George Costanza: I like DeSoto. Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do? George Costanza: He discovered Mississippi. Jerry: Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
Elaine: Jerry, it's B.O. Jerry: But the whole car smells. Elaine: So? Jerry: So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B". Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.
Jerry: Why didn't you tell her your code? George Costanza: I can't give away my code to her. Jerry: George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably. George Costanza: No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone". Jerry: So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now? George Costanza: Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish? Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital] Cosmo Kramer: You got room for the pig-man? George Costanza: The pig-man can take the bus. Cosmo Kramer: You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride. George Costanza: How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater? Cosmo Kramer: Be realistic George. [scoffs]
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm... boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch
Cosmo Kramer: Hoochie Mama.
[Elaine's boyfriend as seen a photo of her with her nipple exposed] Elaine: Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.
Cosmo Kramer: I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman. Jerry: Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.
Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle.
[Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour] George Costanza: I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real. Cosmo Kramer: Talk to me. George Costanza: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you. Cosmo Kramer: [to Jerry] Understand? Jerry: Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
George Costanza: A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry. Jerry: You walk around with no underwear. George Costanza: Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry? Jerry: I do a wash.
George Costanza: [singing to himself to tune of "Everybody's Talkin'" from Midnight Cowboy] Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin'... Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...
[Tim Whatley converted to Judaism] Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke immunity. He's already got the two major religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.
Jerry: Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!
Jerry: The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted. George Costanza: Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring. Jerry: [short pause] It's not like that at all!
[last lines] Jerry: All right, hey, you've been great! See you at the cafeteria.
Elaine: David and I will not get back together. Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can't do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
Jerry: George, I am loving this no wallet thing. George Costanza: A man carries a wallet. Jerry: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something.
Jerry: So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you. George Costanza: They could've at least tried...
Jerry: I bruised my lip. I was drinking a cel ray, brought it up too fast, and I accidentally knocked your toothbrush into the toilet, and I was unable to tell you before you could use it. Jenna: When were you going to tell me this? Jerry: Obviously never.
Milosh: Another point for Milosh!
[Kramer is playing opera music on Jerry's stereo] Jerry: What the hell is that crap? Cosmo Kramer: It's Pagliacci, Jerry.
Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: So I got home... and he was vacumming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent. Elaine: Excuse me... excuse me. Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: What's the problem? Elaine: ...you're talking.
Izzy Mandelbaum, Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.: [Mandelbaum's family yelling at the same time in their bed hospitals] Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum
[Susan has become a lesbian] George Costanza: About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen? Susan Biddle Ross: About right after I broke up with you.
[Jerry is dating a gymnast] Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of. Jerry: Boy, you can really talk some trash. [to George] Jerry: I guess that's better than eating it.
Elaine: Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place? Jerry: I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance.
Jerry: That... is one magic loogie.
George Costanza: [talking about Eldridge's ordeal on the Andrea Doria] Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday!
[about George Steinbrenner] George Costanza: He fires people like it's a bodily function!
[George is thinking of starting his own charity] George Costanza: This could be my chance to give something back. Jerry: You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.
[George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone] Jerry: Why not "G-Bone"? George Costanza: There's no G-Bone. Jerry: There's a g-spot. George Costanza: HEY. That's a myth.
Jerry: So how's the fornicating gourmet? George Costanza: Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate. Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished.
Jerry: Kramer, I never thought I'd say this, but that's not a bad idea. Cosmo Kramer: Giddyup. Jerry: Now, get out.
[George collides with an Andrea Doria survivor] Cosmo Kramer: The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket. George Costanza: How do you know? Cosmo Kramer: It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died. George Costanza: 51 people? I thought it was more like 1000. Cosmo Kramer: There were 1,560 survivors. George Costanza: That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?
[Puddy is wearing a bright orange jacket with an 8 ball on it] Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur? David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball. Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time? David Puddy: All signs point to yes.
Elaine: [about Newman] Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle. Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a twinkie.
Dean Jones: Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman? Cosmo Kramer: It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica. Dean Jones: As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken! Cosmo Kramer: And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken! Dean Jones: I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you. Cosmo Kramer: Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary. Dean Jones: Your fly's open.
Cosmo Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
Newman: You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified. Newman's Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk all day about mail. Newman: I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.
Jerry: George Costanza... Is getting *married*! Elaine: Get out! [shoves Jerry]
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer just had a seizure] What happened? Elaine: Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV? Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else? Jerry: Because you're *not* a dermatologist.
Uncle Leo: Jerry... H E L L O
Newman: [Newman is sneaking through Jerry's apartment trying to cheat at Kramer's and his "Risk" game when he knocks over some of Jerry's cassette tapes] Damn! Cosmo Kramer: It's Newman! Quick open the door! Jerry: [when Newman escapes from the window and up the stairs to his apartment] I see ya Newman, I see ya! Cosmo Kramer: I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
[George peed in a public shower] George Costanza: It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal. Jerry: Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?
[Elaine tries to convince Joel Rifkin to change his name] Elaine: [mocking] Oh, Stuart's a lot better! "Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother."
Ronnie: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her. Jerry: Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand. Ronnie: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me. Jerry: Well, that shouldn't be long...
[At the diner] George Costanza: Are you going to eat that? [takes a bite] George Costanza: Hmmm. Jerry: Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms. George Costanza: Are you going to eat that? Jerry: No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.
Elaine: Jerry, Brett said you ran away from him as if he were the Boogedyman! Jerry: Boogeyman. Elaine: Boogey?
[Elaine is trying to put a store out of business] Elaine: Hey, Kramer, do you still have that pricing gun? [to Jerry] Elaine: That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over 99 cents. Jerry: Still a ripoff.
Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack. Jerry: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave J. Peterman: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma. Elaine: Burma? J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.
Elaine: [grabs George's wig] I DON'T LIKE THIS THING. AND HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING WITH IT.
Babu Bhatt: You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man.
Jackie Chiles: You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.
Jerry: 1%? They can kiss 1% of my ass.
Jerry: So, did they get tired of Koko yet? George Costanza: Oh yeah. [holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"] Jerry: Zero zero? George Costanza: That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.
Jerry: [in a gym with old equipment] Is this a gym or a fitness museum?
George Costanza: So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island. Jerry: Maybe. George Costanza: This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
Elaine: Married women don't "get together". They have affairs. George Costanza: Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.
Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
George Costanza: I got to go home and take a nap. Jerry: It's 10:30 in the morning. George Costanza: I'll tell you, I am wiped.
George Costanza: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.
George Costanza: I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today. Jerry: Didn't you call in sick yesterday? George Costanza: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care... and it shows.
Cosmo Kramer: Congradulations! Some woman: What for? Cosmo Kramer: You're pregnant... You're not pregnant?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you got insurance, right? Jerry: No. Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not? Jerry: Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door... [closes door] Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED.
[Kramer is modeling for a bachelor auction] Elaine: Okay, our next bachelor is Cosmo Kramer. He's... a high school graduate. Cosmo Kramer: Equivalency. Elaine: Equivalency. High school equivalency program graduate. He's, uh... I don't know, six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. He likes... fruit, and he just got, um... a haircut. [Kramer slips off the runway and falls onto a table below] Elaine: Do I hear... five bucks?
Jerry: It's Jerry. Who's this? Valerie: It's Valerie. Jerry: Oh hi, Valerie. What's up? Valerie: I'll tell you what's up - my stepmother is violently ill. So I hit the number for poison control and I get you. Jerry: Wow, poison control? That's even higher than Number One. Hello?
[Kramer covers himself in butter] Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I'm fried. Jerry: Technically, you're sautéed.
George Costanza: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult? Elaine: Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy Jerry: Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys? Elaine: Listen to me you, little shi... George Costanza: Smile! [And takes a picture of them]
Cosmo Kramer: Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!
Jerry: [to Elaine] And yet, we've discovered another talent - posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
George Costanza: I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.
Girlfriend: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor. Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story? Girlfriend: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit. Jerry: All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody.
[Elaine re-enters a movie theater] [whispering] Elaine: What happened to my seat? Oh, God, where was I? Man in Theater: [whispering] Hey, sit down, I can't see. Woman in Theater: [whispering] Get out of the way. Elaine: [whispering] I can't find my seat. Woman in Theater: [whispering] Just move! Elaine: No, *you* move!
Cosmo Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag. [cut to a taxi] David Puddy: Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that? Elaine: We have to break up. David Puddy: What? Elaine: Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again, [shouts] Elaine: YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG.
[at the Puerto Rican Day parade] Jerry: You can't just leave the group. Elaine: Jerry, I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya con Dios.
[Elaine is trying to prove that Jerry always breaks even] Elaine: Do you have a twenty? Jerry: What for? Elaine: Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back. [Jerry hands Elaine a twenty and she throws it out the window] Jerry: You know, you could've thrown a PENCIL out the window and see if I got that back...
Jerry: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute. George Costanza: How much are you paying this maid? Jerry: $40. George Costanza: $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment? Jerry: I could ballpark...
George Costanza: Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner. Newman: Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain. George Costanza: But... you're a mailman! 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow... ' It's the first one! Newman: I've never been much for credos. George Costanza: But I'm paying you! Newman: Hey, thanks!
Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise? Cosmo Kramer: Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning. Jerry: Who? Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you. Jerry: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken. Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is. I picked it out myself. Jerry: Well, you picked out a rooster. Cosmo Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.
Jerry: You know you're not Chinese.
Cosmo Kramer: What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year. Jerry: It's your third day. Cosmo Kramer: I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [Walks out] Jerry: [Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.
[Elaine, George and Jerry are going to see Plan 9 from Outer Space] Jerry: Elaine, you don't understand! This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made.
George Costanza: [referring to the mystery of his damaged briefcase] This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks!
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine. Elaine: But, Mr. Peterman, I... Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you? Elaine: I guess so... Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.
Jerry: I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander. George Costanza: What is a gander, anyway? Jerry: It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it.
[about Festivus] Cosmo Kramer: What do you use for decoration? Frank Costanza: An aluminum pole. I find tinsel distracting.
Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the world's first pirate! Jerry: But I don't wanna be a pirate!
[George has talked his girlfriend Audrey into getting a nose job] George Costanza: I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it. Jerry: It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
Jerry: Don't you see? He's Jewish for two days and he's already making Jewish jokes. Elaine: Well, everybody gets drunk the first day they turn 21. Jerry: Elaine, booze isn't a religion. Elaine: Tell that to my father...
[everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts] Kruger: Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go. [gives George his gift] George Costanza: Thank you, sir. Here's your gift. Kruger: [takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever. George Costanza: Exactly.
Jerry: Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge. George Costanza: This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend. Jerry: Well, your friend is morbidly obese. George Costanza: Well, at least I don't carry a purse. Jerry: It's not a purse, it's European.
George Costanza: It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you. Susan Biddle Ross: And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman. George Costanza: Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to? Susan Biddle Ross: I know who I'm talking to. George Costanza: Of course you do.
[as a bomb-defusing robot approaches a Godzilla model on George Costanza's desk] George Steinbrenner: Wait... What's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything? Is that Mothra?
[George wants the nickname "T-Bone"] George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as... Kruger: Koko the Monkey.
Cosmo Kramer: That's a lotta potatoes.
[Jerry notices an art book on the table] Jerry: What is THAT book doing on the table? Elaine: What? What is wrong with this book? Jerry: That book has been on a wild ride. It's been in the bathroom. Elaine: ALL RIGHT. Move it. Biohazard coming through.
George Costanza: I have to have my tonsils taken out. Cosmo Kramer: Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you. Jerry: It's routine surgery. Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going [high-pitched voice] Cosmo Kramer: "My name is Bob!"
Jackie Chiles: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.
Jerry: I don't know if it's possible, but could you people conduct the psychopath convention down the hall?
Jerry: The road less taken is less taken for a reason.
Frank Costanza: I have been performing feats of strength all morning.
Kruger: The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do? George Costanza: Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane. [everyone begins laughing] George Costanza: Alright, that's it for me, you've been great! Good night, everybody.
George Costanza: You've got to apologize. Jerry: Why? George Costanza: Because its the mature and adult thing to do. Jerry: How does that affect me?
George Costanza: In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".
[Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes] Jerry: Hola. Elaine: Shove it. Jerry: What's with the get up? Elaine: I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day. Jerry: No wonder we've been getting so much rain.
[Kramer wants to watch a video in Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Why don't you watch it at your place? Cosmo Kramer: I'm taping Canadian parliament on C-SPAN.
Mr. Lager: Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound? Cosmo Kramer: I'll take it. Mr. Lager: Awright, sir
Jerry: I hear that all the time. Elaine: What? Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. Elaine: People ask me that about you all the time. Jerry: Yeah, because I'm thin, I'm single, and I'm neat. George Costanza: Guess that leaves me in the clear...
Cosmo Kramer: Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well we're gonna make it happen. Jerry: No your not. Cosmo Kramer: Well Newman knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office. Jerry: No he doesn't. Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss. Jerry: Yes it can.
Jerry: [about David Puddy] Elaine, you always care when an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know and you don't want it to be someone better than you. While the latter is obviously impossible, the former still applies.
Jerry: You will be stunned. Elaine: Stunned by soup? Jerry: You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
[driving in heavy traffic] Cosmo Kramer: Well, go around, you buncha crazies! You maniacs are gonna get us all killed!
Jerry: It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" -there's no comeback for that! Tony: I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid? Jerry: The washer fluid is fine... Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
George Costanza: But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve? Jerry: So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence? George Costanza: Flame on.
Cosmo Kramer: See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier. Jerry: And a deadbolt.
Jerry: Who knows where she gets any of those losers... George Costanza: You're on that list.
[Jerry's girlfriend has a huge toy collection] Jerry: WOW. An original G.I. Joe. With a full Frogman suit... Girlfriend: Jerry, what are you doing? Jerry: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
Cosmo Kramer: You're becoming one of the glitterati. George Costanza: What's that? Cosmo Kramer: People who glitter.
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine. George Costanza: Celia is up for parole. Cosmo Kramer: [looks at George] Who? George Costanza: [looks at Kramer] What? [both look at Jerry for an explanation] Jerry: I'm too tired.
Elaine: [after seeing an employee remove a "Vincent" picks sign from the movie store] What are you doing? Video store employee: Vincent stopped making picks. Elaine: Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see? Video store employee: We have a wide variety of Gene Picks. Elaine: Gene's trash. Video store employee: I'm Gene. Elaine: [embarassed] Hi.
Jerry: You know, it's so nice when it happens good.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.
Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient? Elaine: Only that it sucked.
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.
Jerry: Why are you buttering your face? Cosmo Kramer: I'm shaving with it. Jerry: Oh Moses, smell the roses.
Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen The Omen right? What exactly was that kid? Cosmo Kramer: Who, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
Cosmo Kramer: ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.
Cosmo Kramer: The cat - mmrrrooowwwrr - is out of the bag!
Morty Seinfeld: We just came for the funeral. Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early. Jerry: He was 96 years old. Morty Seinfeld: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.
Cosmo Kramer: [open's Jerry's door] Hey, come on! I thought we were gonna take a steam! Jerry: [who, with George, is thought to be gay] No, no! George Costanza: No! No! Jerry: No steam! Cosmo Kramer: Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself!
Izzy Mandelbaum: Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian. Jerry: Actually, I am a comedian. Izzy Mandelbaum: That's not funny.
Jerry: The answering machine is like a relationship barometer. George Costanza: What IS a barometer? Cosmo Kramer: It's pronounced thermometer.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted. Jerry: Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months. Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.
Jerry: Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you. George Costanza: But they seemed so disorganized...
Jerry: And what is his stand on abortion? Elaine: What? Jerry: What is his stand... on abortion? Elaine: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice. Jerry: How do you know? Elaine: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking. Jerry: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.
Jerry: Man, you were pretty loaded on that Schnapps last night. Elaine: I know. I woke up with this. [points to her newly-pierced nose] Jerry: Oh. Hello tetanus.
Newman: Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.
Elaine: My father thought George was gay. Jerry: It must have been the singing. Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everybody's gay.
George Costanza: [upset] Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life! Jerry: [quietly, sipping coffee] Bad situation...
Cosmo Kramer: Keith Hernandez! Newman: Keith Hernandez! I despise that man!
George Costanza: I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami. Jerry: Yeah. That's what you did.
[At Tim Whatley's party] Elaine: This place is like Studio 54, with a menorah.
Katya: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.
Elaine: A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle? George Costanza: Yes, you. You and every woman like you.
Newman: [to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go. Cosmo Kramer: Hey, where's he going? Newman: I think he's stealing our rickshaw. Cosmo Kramer: Oh then he's out. Homeless Man: I'll take the job. [pause] Homeless Man: Potato salad!
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal. Jerry: Is she? Cosmo Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy.
George Costanza: There is no bigger loser than me!
[Jerry is checking out an upper-class apartment] Sales Woman: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should let you know that we've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist. Jerry: Not Pennypacker. Sales Woman: You know him? Jerry: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, they botched my vasectomy? Jerry: They botched it? Cosmo Kramer: I'm even more potent now.
Jerry: [imitates his girlfriends' bellybutton] Helllllooooo. La, la, la.
Jerry: You with these too? George Costanza: I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method - he jumps. Jerry: Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich.
Girlfriend: You're insane. Jerry: Oh yes, quite. [Kramer enters] Jerry: Of course, it's a sliding scale.
Susan Biddle Ross: I don't see why you can't just use a condom. George Costanza: Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever. Susan Biddle Ross: Why? George Costanza: I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."
George Costanza: [talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction. [pulls out a golf ball] Cosmo Kramer: Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.
[Kramer is watching Jeopardy! and getting every question right] Cosmo Kramer: Who is Joseph Cotton! Giddy-up! Cosmo Kramer: What is pie! Oooh! Giddy-up again! Cosmo Kramer: What is the Cha-Cha! Yes, indeed!
George Costanza: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister! Jerry: What does that even mean?
Cosmo Kramer: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look. George Costanza: Stink eye? Jerry: Crook eye? Cosmo Kramer: EVIL eye.
Elaine: I stopped having sex three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese. Jerry: You see what's happening here? Your lack of sex is having the opposite effect on you that it is on George. Elaine: What? Jerry: You're stupid, dumb! Elaine: I don't understand. Jerry: Exactly.
Elaine: Well, you know, I... I have watched Peterman run the company. Cosmo Kramer: Sure you have. Elaine: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
Jerry: [to Elaine] See... I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up and you're down. See how it all evens out for me?
Cosmo Kramer: Is this oak? Mr. Lager: Think it's pine. Cosmo Kramer: Pine is good. Mr. Lager: Yeah, pine's okay.
[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system] George Costanza: Did you get the video camera? Jerry: Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Cosmo Kramer: You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box. Jerry: That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora." Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well, she had one too.
Frank Costanza: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
Jerry: Oh right, the new job. How is it? George Costanza: I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm. Jerry: So who's the new you? George Costanza: We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
Cosmo Kramer: [being attacked by a man throwing golf clubs while talking to Jerry and Elaine on a cell phone] I think he's done guys. [looks ahead at the driver infront of him] Cosmo Kramer: No he's not! He's throwing the WOODS!
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken. George Costanza: [to Jerry] Allow me. [to Kramer] George Costanza: Why? Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free farm-fresh eggs. Jerry: [to George] Allow me. [to Kramer] Jerry: What are you, an idiot?
George Costanza: [while waiting in a restaurant, Elaine refuses a bet of $50 to walk over to a table full of strangers and start eating an egg roll] For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow.
[the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot] Jerry: See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. George Costanza: Really? Jerry: Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land. George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before? Jerry: You think? George Costanza: I think we have. Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
Jerry: I prefer to do my own material. Cosmo Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances. Jerry: You have made some good exits.
George Costanza: I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker. Jerry: The Daily Worker has personals? George Costanza: And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important. Jerry: Yours or hers?
Cosmo Kramer: Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance. Pam: That is so true. Cosmo Kramer: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened... Newman: [whispering] ... shell. Cosmo Kramer: Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell. Pam: Kramer, that is so lovely. Cosmo Kramer: It's by an unknown 20th century poet. Pam: Oh? What's his name? Cosmo Kramer: Newman.
Cosmo Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away. Jerry: Walk away? Cosmo Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free. Jerry: Isn't there a deductible? Cosmo Kramer: All right, what is your deductible? Jerry: I don't know. Cosmo Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it. Jerry: From what? Cosmo Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car. Jerry: We're not leaving the car. Cosmo Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
George Costanza: You're really moving to California? Cosmo Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
George Costanza: I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it... I feel like Robert Wagner.
George Costanza: I love you, Jer. Jerry: Right back at you, slick.
Jerry: So your saying UNICEF is a scam? Cosmo Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: Wow, restaurant. Flowers... Jerry: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business? Dr. Sarah Sitarides: It's fine. Jerry: Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man. Dr. Sarah Sitarides: What is with you? Jerry: You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD.
George Costanza: Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane. Jerry: Really, how? George Costanza: Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. Jerry: Right. George Costanza: Anything in the lip area is good. Jerry: Lip area, yeah. George Costanza: A hug, definitely good. Jerry: Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart. George Costanza: Those are brutal. Jerry: You know how they do that. George Costanza: Also, you know a shake is bad. Jerry: Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes. George Costanza: The hand sandwich. Jerry: Right. George Costanza: Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. George Costanza: The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.
Elaine: It's the pinky toe, what do we need it for? Jerry: But Elaine, it's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home!
[explaining why Elaine won't be accompanying him to Africa] Mr. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium. Elaine: [astonished] Opium? Mr. Peterman: That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
[Jerry nearly drowns the pool guy] Elaine: How can you show your face around there? Jerry: Oh, I cant. They revoked my membership. Newman's, too. We cant go anywhere near there.