Bill and Judy are not your average parents; the kids are the responsible ones.

Bill: Judy, who would want to go to a Mother's Day high tea?
Brian Miller: Wow, did someone say high tea? Can I go?
Judy: No, Brian, it's a mother-daughter tradition in my family. And Lauren is going for the first time!
Brian Miller: That's not fair. I'd appreciate a high tea more than her.
Bill: Pick a team, son. Pick a team.
Judy: Bill, why are you hosing down the backyard?
Bill: Simple. When our lesbian neighbors see how muddy and disgusting our backyard is, they'll give us that zoning permit to build a deck and a video of them playing shower games with each other.
Lauren Miller: Dad, I need some help with my homework.
Bill: Yeah, I know, I've seen your grades.
Judy: So, how was work?
Bill: Judy, I sell toilets. Let's save thirty seconds out of each day and assume that it sucked until further notice!
Judy: You kids shouldn't drink alcohol. It's dangerous and makes you do stupid things.
Bill: [laughs] Hey, Judy, remember that time when I was a senior in high school, and got so drunk that I...
[Judy glares]
Bill: uh, fell to my death?
Bill: [running to the bathroom] This could be a photo finish!
Bill: Come on Judy, let's go brain storm.
Brian Miller: That'll be a light drizzle.
Bill: Why did I marry for looks instead of money?
Judy: Why did I marry for neither?
Judy: Lauren, do you have any idea what your brother's been doing with all his money?
Lauren Miller: Apparently, not hiding it as well as I hide mine.
Bill: You have money?
Lauren Miller: No.
Bill: I'll have you know I graduated second out of my class... among the three of us that had to finish up over the summer.
Judy: Don't you think there's a little double-standard there?
Bill: Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for Lauren. That way, they each get their own.
Judy: I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.
Judy: [Reading a letter that Bill wrote in the event of his death] Dear Judy: Snow shovels behind the garage. XO, Dead Bill. P.S.-Boo.
Bill: No, no! You have to read it in a scary voice, like this- Booooo!
Judy: Is it just me, or is Bonnie getting a little bossy?
Bill: No, you're bossy too.
Judy: Come on in, kids, Dad took care of dinner!
Tina Miller: Yay, pizza!
Judy: No, he made a meal.
Tina Miller: Yay, frozen pizza!
[the doorbell rings]
Judy: Can somebody get that?
Brian Miller: Busy!
Tina Miller: Busy!
Bill: Lazy!
Bill: So son, why didn't you join the football team?
Brian Miller: Well, it was getting in the way of my debate team practices.
Bill: You never told me you were on the debate team!
Brian Miller: Yes, I did.
Bill: No, you didn't.
Brian Miller: Yes, I did
Bill: Damn, you're good
Judy: What are you going to do while I'm having book club?
Bill: Probably order a pizza and watch Behind the Music.
Judy: Who's on tonight?
Bill: Who cares? Someone's gonna get fat, someone's gonna go broke, and someone's gonna find God... I love that show.
Bill: I'll go talk to the boy. I'm a toilet salesman, I know how to get stuff out of people.
Bill: What's for dinner?
Judy: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that.
Brian Miller: [Bill and Judy come to Brian's school] Oh no, it IS you two!
Judy: What do you mean, 'it is us'?
Brian Miller: Everyone's saying that a hooker and her parole officer are walking around looking for me. I was hoping...
Bill: Hear that, Judy? I'm married to a hooker!
Bill: This family supports each other.
Lauren Miller: Since when?
Judy: Okay, it's something new we're trying.
Bill: There's a kite club?
Brian Miller: Yeah, I'm vice-president.
Bill: So, if the president can't fulfill his duties, *you* get beat up by the football team.
Brian Miller: This is Chris. He's our new neighbor, and he's also in some of my A.P. classes, so I'm just showing him the ropes.
Lauren Miller: [to Chris] Did he show you the one in gym he can't climb?

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