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Bill and Judy are not your average parents; the kids are the responsible ones.
Judy: Bill, why are you hosing down the backyard? Bill: Simple. When our lesbian neighbors see how muddy and disgusting our backyard is, they'll give us that zoning permit to build a deck and a video of them playing shower games with each other.
Judy: So, how was work? Bill: Judy, I sell toilets. Let's save thirty seconds out of each day and assume that it sucked until further notice!
Judy: You kids shouldn't drink alcohol. It's dangerous and makes you do stupid things. Bill: [laughs] Hey, Judy, remember that time when I was a senior in high school, and got so drunk that I... [Judy glares] Bill: uh, fell to my death?
Bill: Judy, who would want to go to a Mother's Day high tea? Brian Miller: Wow, did someone say high tea? Can I go? Judy: No, Brian, it's a mother-daughter tradition in my family. And Lauren is going for the first time! Brian Miller: That's not fair. I'd appreciate a high tea more than her. Bill: Pick a team, son. Pick a team.
Lauren Miller: Dad, I need some help with my homework. Bill: Yeah, I know, I've seen your grades.
Bill: I'll have you know I graduated second out of my class... among the three of us that had to finish up over the summer.
Judy: [Reading a letter that Bill wrote in the event of his death] Dear Judy: Snow shovels behind the garage. XO, Dead Bill. P.S.-Boo. Bill: No, no! You have to read it in a scary voice, like this- Booooo!
Judy: Lauren, do you have any idea what your brother's been doing with all his money? Lauren Miller: Apparently, not hiding it as well as I hide mine. Bill: You have money? Lauren Miller: No.
Bill: [running to the bathroom] This could be a photo finish!
Judy: Come on in, kids, Dad took care of dinner! Tina Miller: Yay, pizza! Judy: No, he made a meal. Tina Miller: Yay, frozen pizza!
Judy: Is it just me, or is Bonnie getting a little bossy? Bill: No, you're bossy too.
Bill: Why did I marry for looks instead of money? Judy: Why did I marry for neither?
Bill: Come on Judy, let's go brain storm. Brian Miller: That'll be a light drizzle.
[the doorbell rings] Judy: Can somebody get that? Brian Miller: Busy! Tina Miller: Busy! Bill: Lazy!
Judy: Don't you think there's a little double-standard there? Bill: Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for Lauren. That way, they each get their own. Judy: I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.
Bill: I'll go talk to the boy. I'm a toilet salesman, I know how to get stuff out of people.
Brian Miller: [Bill and Judy come to Brian's school] Oh no, it IS you two! Judy: What do you mean, 'it is us'? Brian Miller: Everyone's saying that a hooker and her parole officer are walking around looking for me. I was hoping... Bill: Hear that, Judy? I'm married to a hooker!
Bill: So son, why didn't you join the football team? Brian Miller: Well, it was getting in the way of my debate team practices. Bill: You never told me you were on the debate team! Brian Miller: Yes, I did. Bill: No, you didn't. Brian Miller: Yes, I did Bill: Damn, you're good
Judy: What are you going to do while I'm having book club? Bill: Probably order a pizza and watch Behind the Music. Judy: Who's on tonight? Bill: Who cares? Someone's gonna get fat, someone's gonna go broke, and someone's gonna find God... I love that show.
Bill: What's for dinner? Judy: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that.
Bill: This family supports each other. Lauren Miller: Since when? Judy: Okay, it's something new we're trying.
Brian Miller: This is Chris. He's our new neighbor, and he's also in some of my A.P. classes, so I'm just showing him the ropes. Lauren Miller: [to Chris] Did he show you the one in gym he can't climb?
Bill: There's a kite club? Brian Miller: Yeah, I'm vice-president. Bill: So, if the president can't fulfill his duties, *you* get beat up by the football team.
