A stand up comedian suddenly becomes a father when he takes custody of his sister's three children.

[repeated line]
Bernie Mac: Busted the head until the white meat shows.
Bernie Mac: Oh, Lord!
[Repeated line]
Bernie Mac: I'm gonna kill one of them kids.
[repeated line]
Bernie Mac: Oh, Lord!
[repeated line]
Bernie Mac: Cut the camera off.
[repeated line]
Bernie Mac: Them doggone kids.
Bernie Mac: This is blaxploitation, America. Blaxploitation.
Bernie Mac: Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.
[repeated snickering laugh]
Jordan: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Bernie Mac: I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...
[repeated line after being ratted out]
Jordan or Vanessa: Stool piegon!
Vanessa: You ever notice that Bernie Mac is always calling himself 'Bernie Mac'? "Bernie Mac so smart". "Bernie Mac so great". Bernie Mac just likes to say Bernie Mac.
Bernie Mac: Now wait a minute, Bernie Mac don't do that.
Bernie Mac: She turned on the lights, and there... Hanging on the door was a bloody hook... From the last person who touched Bernie Mac's stereo without his permission.
[Laughs. Nobody else does]
Bernie Mac: But seriously, if y'all get hungry, go to a restaurant.
Boy: Bernie rhymes with turkey.
Bernie Mac: No it doesn't. And it's Mr. Mac. Rhymes with smack, as in upside your head.
[repeated line]
Bernie Mac: Ungrateful urchins!
[repeated line]
Bernie Mac: Let's move on.
Wanda: You could have at least given Jordan dessert before you sent him to his room.
Bernie Mac: The boy should have bought some cookies when he went on that spending spree.
Vanessa: He did.
Bernie Mac: What you way?
Vanessa: Nothing, Warden.
Bernie Mac: You can go right in the room and join him!
Bernie Mac: Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?
Jordan: We talked about how the first thing a black man in the NBA does is get a new car and a white girl.
Bernie Mac: Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.
Bernie Mac: Do not touch my TV, my DVD, my stereo, my dual-deck VCR. Do not touch my old school, my new school, my slow jams, my party jams, my happy rap, and you better not touch...
[voice breaks]
Bernie Mac: My James Brown.
Bernie Mac: [crying] I thought those kids were just spoiled, but all this time they just wanted to go back to the projects. Isn't that the stupidest thing you ever heard? Oh, those beautiful, stupid kids.
Bernie Mac: Okay, I'll take them to Splash Canyon, but if they give me one excuse, just one excuse, to turn around I'll take it. Anything. Sneeze. Little one wheezes. Glasses fall. Anything! Big one cop an attitude. Anything! We turn right around and I sit here with my air conditioning guilt-free. Quickness. Woosh! "I thought we were going somewhere". "Psych".
Bernie: Whatever you hear at the barber shop, stays at the barber shop.
Bernie Mac: [to dog] Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?
Bernie Mac: Good morning, Vanessa.
Wimbush, Camille: Uhm.
Bernie Mac: Oh, I bet I don't feed you in the morning, you'll have somethin' to say!
Bernie Mac: You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.
[repeated line]
Jordan: Uncle Bernie, pull my finger.
Jordan: Save his soul and his liver!
Bryana: Uncle Bernie has to give me soy cheese because regular cheese gives me diarrhea.
Bernie Mac: [after finding out Jordan bought a telescope with money Bernie gave him for medicine] You little sneak. You think this is funny? You in big troubles with me, young man. I mean big trouble.
Vanessa: You can't punish him.
Bernie Mac: Watch and see if I don't!
Vanessa: You just mad 'cause he played you.
Bernie Mac: He didn't play me, he stole from me. The boy stole. It's called the way it is.
Bernie Mac: Oh come on now, you just uptight about the Richters.
Wanda: Oh no, Bernie, I was annoyed about the Richters. I am LIVID about this!
Bernie Mac: Livid? That's two degrees passed pissed!
Bryana: Uncle Bernie, I have a BM, and I gotta throw up!
Wanda: Until you treat those kids like they're wanted, below this line
[draws line on her waist]
Wanda: off limits.
Bernie Mac: But that's Bernie Mac's Puffs! Takin' away below the belt. Now THAT'S below the belt. It's extortion, I tell you, and I'm not having it. You can't blackmail this black male. Bernie Mac strong.
Jordan: You know how much your hand shakes when your cutting hair? You could hold ice and make a milkshake. I don't take credit for that one. That was Uncle Bernie's.
[repeated phrase]
Bernie Mac: America...
Bernie Mac: Hi-dee, hi-dee boo boo, stick your head in doo-doo.