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Delivery man Doug Heffernan has a good life: He's got a pretty wife (Carrie), a big TV and friends to watch it with. Then Carrie's goofy and annoying father Arthur moves in with them.
Arthur Spooner: Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're black?
[Doug answers the phone] Doug Heffernan: Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone! Arthur Spooner: Who is it? Doug Heffernan: It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm. Arthur Spooner: Tell him to drop dead! Doug Heffernan: Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead. Arthur Spooner: Then tell him to go to hell! Doug Heffernan: Not telling him that either. Arthur Spooner: Then you go to hell! Doug Heffernan: You go to hell! Arthur Spooner: Drop dead! [Doug lifts up the phone] Doug Heffernan: Sorry, wrong number.
Arthur Spooner: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities. Arthur Spooner: True enough. Mystery solved.
Arthur Spooner: Why can't you be more like Rain Man?
Doug Heffernan: My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
[repeated line] Doug Heffernan: Shutie!
[Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents] Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Don't you bring my father into this! Doug Heffernan: He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!
Arthur Spooner: Ah, Paris. I haven't been back there since we liberated her in '44. The City Of Lights knew peace once more. I also got the clap, but that's a another story for another time.
[Doug is watching Gilligan's Island] Doug Heffernan: Oh my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper.
Arthur Spooner: Darling, I need to borrow the iron. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
Doug Heffernan: Friends just keep you away from TV.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, Doug and I were just thinking... Arthur Spooner: [to Doug] Well, I hope you didn't strain yourself. I kid out of love.
Arthur Spooner: Nobody squeals like Ned Beatty!
[Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard] Doug Heffernan: No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away? Arthur Spooner: Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it. Doug Heffernan: Okay, we don't own anything close to that.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Did you lift your shirt and *make* them touch your belly hair?
Arthur Spooner: It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter. Doug Heffernan: Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.
Spence Olchin: Oh my God! My TiVo thinks I'm gay!
Joe Heffernan: You're out of your mind! Arthur Spooner: I've never been more in my mind!
Doug Heffernan: No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone? Doug Heffernan: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
[Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins] Doug Heffernan: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!
Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name? Doug Heffernan: Steven. And yours? Deacon Palmer: John.
Arthur Spooner: What's going on? Doug Heffernan: It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats. Arthur Spooner: She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible. Doug Heffernan: Arthur, I've seen her do it. Arthur Spooner: No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Is this how you take a bath? Spence Olchin: Yes. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street. Spence Olchin: What did I do to you?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Dad, why have you been hanging around that school playground? Arthur Spooner: Business. Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Not selling those dumb ribbons, I hope. Arthur Spooner: Let's just say kids will be running home to their mommies to tell them about their encounter with the Ribbon Man.
Doug Heffernan: All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
Arthur Spooner: Sure, Douglas, you're white hot. You rode the frog to the top, but lady luck can be a fickle whore.
[Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom] Arthur Spooner: Well, hello there, neighbour! Doug Heffernan: Hello. Why did he call me neighbour? Carrie Spooner Heffernan: I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing. Doug Heffernan: How freezing?
Arthur Spooner: You know, we're quite a team. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake.
[Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together] Kelly Palmer: Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream. Arthur Spooner: Buttcream?, where is this day headin'? [Arthur looks at Doug] Doug Heffernan: Yeah, You wish! Arthur Spooner: Like I waste a wish on that, huh?
Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh? Doug Heffernan: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
Doug Heffernan: Son of a mother!
Doug Heffernan: I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
Danny Heffernan: [while watching Football on a portable TV during Thanksgiving Dinner] Son Of An Ass!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: What movie do you want to see? Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull? Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Oh, yeah... "Floaters".