Vince Noir and Howard Moon have surreal adventures while working at a Zoo run by the deranged Bob Fossil (in series 1) and pursuing a career as musicians and living with the mystic Naboo ... See full summary¬†¬Ľ

Howard Moon: The wind is my only friend.
Wind: [whistling] I hate you.
Old Gregg: What do you think of me?
Howard Moon: I don't rightly know, Sir.
Old Gregg: Make an assessment.
Vince Noir: Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard?
Howard Moon: This better be good.
Vince Noir: You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantulas' eggs?
Howard Moon: Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.
Old Gregg: Under closer inspection I realised it was a funky ball of tits from outer space.
The Spirit of Jazz: Ow! My hat's on fire! What's wrong with you? You blind? Why didn't ya tell me?
Howard Moon: Sorry, I thought that was your look
Vince Noir: Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.
Lucien: You should never go out on Black Lake when the moon be full.
Vince Noir: Why?
Lucien: Because there's somethin' out there... somethin' evil... somethin' that goes by the name of Old Gregg...
[creepy music]
Vince Noir: ...who?
Lucien: Ol' Gregg. Legendary fish. Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say it's more of a seventy-thirty split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
Colin: Some say he's a ghost. Can't catch what don't exists. Hook goes right through 'im.
Lucien: Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait. Only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
The Moon: And some say, Old Gregg is like a, a big fish finger, but big! Like um, like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine that fish finger, when you can see it is as big as a garage, oh! It isn't small, it's the big one! Like that.
Howard Moon: I don't accessorize. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me.
Vince Noir: [to locksmith] You haven't seen my mate Howard, have you? Kinda tall, scruffy hair, small eyes like a crab?
Howard Moon: Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, Colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?
Vince Noir: Colon Explorer?
Howard Moon: You know what I saying.
Vince Noir: I think that's got the wrong ring to it.
[Vince and Howard have been buried up to their necks and left for dead in the desert]
Vince Noir: Howard? You think it's going to be alright?
Howard Moon: No. We're gonna die in the most horrific way known to man.
[sighs in resignation]
Vince Noir: [smiling] Had some good times, though, didn't we?
Howard Moon: Yeah...
Vince Noir: Huh... yeah...
Howard Moon: [wistfully] Remember the time we had that soup?
Vince Noir: That was brilliant.
[they start singing]
Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Soup! Soup! A tasty... Soup! Soup! A spicy, carrot and coriander...
Vince Noir: ...chili chowder!
Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Crouton! Crouton! Crunchy friends in a liquid broth.
Howard Moon, Vince Noir: I am gazpachio... OH! I am a summer soup... Mm!
Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Miso! Miso! Fighting in the dojo. Miso! Miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
[they stop singing]
Vince Noir: Classic times.
Howard Moon: [shaking his head] Crazy days...
Howard Moon: Vince, you've gone wrong.
Vince Noir: I am the Chosen One. I have the amulet.
Howard Moon: Yeah, well maybe it's time I had the amulet for a bit.
Vince Noir: You don't accessorise. There's a simple truth to you.
Howard Moon: Give me the amulet, you bitch!
Howard Moon: I want to be the greatest Jazz player in Yorkshire.
The Spirit of Jazz: Yorkshire? What is Yorkshire?
Howard Moon: Yorkshire is a place. Yorkshire is a state of mind.
Vince Noir: [grabbing book] Look at this one!
Naboo: Don't touch that!
Vince Noir: All right! Easy!
Naboo: This is black magic. This is hardcore. Don't mess with the occult.
Vince Noir: I thought it was good for you.
Naboo: What?
Vince Noir: Well, you know, good for your digestive system.
Naboo: That's Yakult!
Vince Noir: Oh, yeah...
The Spirit of Jazz: I'm gonna creep inside you like a warm kitten!
Bar lady: I like your dress...
Rudy: This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
Bar lady: Why don't you stay awhile?
[flashes to him]
Rudy: Put away those fiery biscuits...
[repeated line]
Howard Moon: Don't kill me, I've got so much to give!
Vince Noir: C'mon, Bollo, get your monkey anus at the steering wheel.
Bollo: Bollo no drive.
Vince Noir: You're joking. Why not?
Bollo: Bollo lose license.
Naboo: When did that happen?
Bollo: Long time ago. It was Chiko. As teenager we would drive about town together. My father warn us. No drive too fast for there are speed camera on A49 but Chiko crazy. He dangerous. He always say "Please, Bollo. Please let us go faster."
Vince Noir: Yeah, yeah so you chopped his head off right?
Bollo: No, I chopped his feet off. Stopped him pressing accelerator.
The Moon: He's so bright and milky white / Shining down upon the ground / He's the bright, milky white / Shining down upon the ground / Everybody look at the moon / Everybody seein' the moon / The moon is bright / He's milky white / Everybody look at the moon / Uh!
The Moon: Heey! I did a song! Jupiter, I did a song! You ain't got one! Heey!
The Moon: Oh, I feel sick.
Johnny Two Hats: I'm Johnny Two Hats, why do you think they call me that?
Vince Noir: Is it because you've got two hats on?
Johnny Two Hats: Bingo
Tommy Nooka: [singing] Cheese is a kind of meat/ A tasty yellow beef./ I milk it from my teat./ But I try to be discrete./ Oh cheese!/ O cheese!
Vince Noir: [Tommy repeats song] Is that your hero?
Howard Moon: Yeah, he's gone a bit wrong.
Vince Noir: I'm going to stick with Jagger.
[Tommy begins beatboxing]
The Moon: When you are the moon, there is a person people say is the sun. I saw the sun once, and he came past me, really fast. And it was an, it was called, the, an eclipse. And he came fast! But as he came past, I, I licked his back.
[sticks out tongue]
The Moon: And he doesn't know I licked his back! All in his yellow suit!... I'm the moon.
Bollo: I got a bad feeling about this...
[repeated line, various episodes]
The Spirit of Jazz: Every time you pick up an instrument, I'll be there inside ya, wearing ya like a glove!
Howard Moon: I'm an explorer.
Vince Noir: I thought you were a writer?
Howard Moon: I do many things. I span the genres - they call me the genre spanner.
Vince Noir: Yeah, they call you the spanner...
Howard Moon: Kodiak! It's me, Howard Moon, we spoke on the phone this morning.
Kodiak Jack: The what?
Howard Moon: The telephone...
Kodiak Jack: Ohh, the talky stick! Your voice was trapped in there this morning.
Saboo: [to Howard Moon] You know nothing of the crunch!
Various: [Repeated line, while being killed hideously] A little to the left!
The Moon: Here's a poem, from the Moon. Neil Armstrong, walking on my face / Buzz Aldrin, walking on my face / And the third one is a space man, walking on my face / All on the surfaces, and they're looking at all of the stuff that the moon has got./
The Moon: Yeah.
The Moon: When you are the moon, the best form you can be is a full moon. And then the half moon... he's all right. But the full moon is the famous moon. And then three-quarters, eh, no one gives a shit about him. When does he come, two days in, to the calendar month? He's useless. Full moon. The moon. The main moon.
Vince Noir: The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.
Vince Noir: Calm a llama down.
Howard Moon: Calm a llama down.
Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Deep down in the ocean blue like a barnacle/ Sitting in a tight place/ Laughing like a monkey arm/ Pulling like a China boy/ Carraway carraway carraway noise/ Boing, chika masala/ Boing, chika masala/ oh tooth tooth/
[suck in air]
Vince Noir, Howard Moon: !
Tommy Nooka: [to Howard Moon] Stop! Stop! I am too old. You and your wife must go without me.
The Hitcher: Aagh! It hurts! It burns! You've liquified me, you slags!
Howard Moon: You used to be a zookeeper, this is where your heart was. What about the zoo?
Vince Noir: [bleeped] F*** the zoo
Howard Moon: [shocked] What did you say?
Vince Noir: [bleeped] I said, f*** the zoo
Howard Moon: I can't believe you're saying that. What about the animals?
Vince Noir: [bleeped] F*** the animals! They're all a bunch of w******!
The Moon: One time, I saw a man looking at me, yes, with his eyes. And then, he, he picked up a tube. And he looked, in the tube, and he made the moon big, inside the tube. The moon big inside a tube!
Tony Harrison: It's an outrage! An outrage!
Head Shaman: Sometimes I wonder about the team I have assembled here...
Tony Harrison: I come fully equipped with a papoose! I slip into it like a peanut. If you don't like the papoose system I have a wheel that clicks into place under my chin.
Saboo: Must I assemble this Kinder Egg?