The Muppet Show

The Muppet Show Quotes

Kermit the Frog and his friends struggle to put on a weekly variety show.

Waldorf: These seats are awful.
Statler: Why? Can't you see anything?
Waldorf: That's the problem. I can see everything.
Waldorf: How do they do it?
Statler: How do we watch it?
Waldorf: *Why* do we watch it?
Statler: [Breaking the fourth wall] Why do *you* watch it?
Waldorf: Just when you think this show is terrible something wonderful happens.
Statler: What?
Waldorf: It ends.
Waldorf: Well, you gotta give them credit.
Statler: Why's that?
Waldorf: Well, they're gonna keep on doing it till they get it right.
Statler: Now why did you do that to poor Fozzie?
Waldorf: Do what? I really was on the Titanic.
Statler: I know. You still have the dress you wore so they'd let you in the life boat. Heh heh heh.
Waldorf: D'oh!
Statler: Please don't make me watch it.
Sam's Dance Partner: What's the difference between illegal and immoral?
Sam The Bald Eagle: Immoral is something that's not right and illegal is me with a tummy ache.
Sam The Bald Eagle: [Sam's dance partner looks at the camera in disgust] I didn't write it.
Waldorf: Tell me, Statler. Do you have any naval experience?
Statler: Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.
Waldorf: Really, how?
Statler: I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation!
Miss Piggy: [as Nurse Piggy] It's too late, Doctor Bob. We've lost him.
Rowlf: [as Doctor Bob] Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Miss Piggy: Methinks thou doth protest too much.
Kermit: What?
Miss Piggy: Shakespeare.
Kermit: Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.
Miss Piggy: How would you like a pork chop? Hi-yah!
[karate chops Kermit]
Miss Piggy: You always hurt the one you love.
Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!
Kermit: Animal, you like the theme song, don't you?
Animal: [nods head emphatically] Yeah, yeah!
Floyd: No, no!
Animal: [shakes head emphatically] No, no.
Waldorf: [after the ending theme plays] Uh, Statler?
Statler: Yeah, what?
Waldorf: Is that it?
Statler: Yes, it's over. How'd you like it?
Waldorf: Uh, I don't know. I slept through the whole thing.
Statler: Well, you didn't miss much!
Waldorf: Well, this show certainly doesn't lay any eggs.
Chickens: Bwak bawk bawk!
Statler: Wanna bet?
Announcer: And now Pigs in Space. Starring the ever handsome Link Hogwash, the illustrious first mate Miss Piggy, and the scientist Dr Jullius Strangepork. Our story begins when...
Waldorf: Pay up! They made it through another one
Statler: Double or nothing next week's show?
Waldorf: You're on!
Waldorf: [after the song "Happy Feet"] You know, on the show that wasn't funny.
Statler: True, true.
Waldorf: But on a record, it doesn't even make sense!
Waldorf: I can't believe those rats were responsible for this show.
Statler: Those rats were also responsible for the bubonic plague. Dohohohoh!
Fozzie: [Phone rings] I'll get it!
[Picks up]
Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.
[Coins start pouring out of the mike on the phone, and Fozzie takes off his hat quickly to catch them]
Kermit: Fozzie, who was it this time?
Fozzie: Las Vegas.
[Kermit walks off disgusted]
Fozzie: Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo that comes into a store, and a hippopotamus comes out and he says to the kanga
[curtains close]
Fozzie: HEY I WASN'T FINISHED!
Statler: I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it.
Waldorf: Believe what?
Statler: I don't know - I wasn't watching.
Statler: Well the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.
Chickens: Bawk!
Waldorf: Wanna bet?
Statler: Ever heard of pig on bikes?
Waldorf: I've never heard of road hogs.
[repeated line]
Announcer: And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital". The continuing storrrrry of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Statler: What have you got for an opening act this time? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?
Kermit: Cancel the opening number.
Chinese Gorilla: Dong day do dai dai do...
Statler: This show is awful.
Waldorf: Terrible.
Statler: Disgusting.
Waldorf: See you next week?
Statler: Of course.
Statler: I like that last number.
Waldorf: What did you like about it?
Statler: It was the *last* number!
Fozzie: Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have re-mastered the art of handling hecklers.
Kermit: Oh, you think so, huh?
Fozzie: Oh, I know so. I know so.
Kermit: OK, I tell you what - you tell a joke and I will heckle you.
Fozzie: Great.
Kermit: But, Fozzie - I expect a great comeback.
Fozzie: Right.
[clears throat]
Fozzie: Ahh, my cousin's so dumb he thinks Eggs Benedict's a mafia gangster.
Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier then that.
[Fozzie pounds Kermit with a rubber chicken]
Fozzie: What do you think, huh? Too subtle?
Fozzie: [Phone rings] I got it!
[Answers]
Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.
[an explosion with bright light comes through the phone's mike]
Kermit: [a little shaken] Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?
Fozzie: The Atomic Energy Commission.
Kermit: [the phone rings] Fozzie, will you get that?
Fozzie: [Runs up and answers it] Hello. Muppet Show backstage.
[Water squirts out of the mike on the phone]
Kermit: Who was that?
Fozzie: The water department.
[Hangs up and walks away]
Kermit: [Towards the camera] What the hey?
Waldorf: [looking down from the balcony] He shouldn't have jumped. The show wasn't that bad.
Robot Kermit: Hey, listen you, how about you and me getting together and makin' some ste-e-e-am heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Aaah, a marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We can have bouncing baby figs.
Miss Piggy: But I love him.
Rowlf: How could you love him? You're a nurse.
Miss Piggy: That may be true, but I am a woman first.
Rowlf: No, you're not. You're a pig first. Nurse second. I don't think woman made the top 10.
Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash.
[runs to the desk]
Muppet Newsman: There is no news tonight.
Fozzie: I don't got rhythm.
Rowlf: That's for sure.
Fozzie: I don't got rhythm.
Rowlf: Who can ask for anything more?
Statler: We could!
Waldorf: Yeah! Earplugs!
Rita Moreno: Kermit I was wondering if we could just forget the cue cards and just ad lib it.
Kermit the Frog: Ad lib it? Yes I don't mind doing that but there are others who may take offense.
Rita Moreno: Like who?
Kermit the Frog: Like the guy who holds the cue cards.
Sweetums: Nice lady not want Sweetums to hold cue cards?
Rita Moreno: Uh no.
Sweetums: Nice lady want Sweetums to hold something else?
Rita Moreno: Sure you can hold anything you want.
Sweetums: Great! That best offer Sweetums have all week.
[Sweetums picks up Rita like a football and walks off with her while Kermit shrieks]
Kermit the Frog: That's the problem with guests on this show. They seem to get carried away.
Fozzie: [the phone rings] I'll get it!
[Picks up]
Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.
[Thick white smoke comes out of the phone]
Kermit: Fozzie, who was that?
Fozzie: [Coughing] The fire department.
Kermit: [Towards the camera] I think this is what's called a running gag.
[At that the Muppet Newsman runs by towards the stage]
Fozzie: [Pointing at him] No, THAT'S what's called a running gag.
Statler: You know I never liked this show's theme music.
Waldorf: Niether did I.
Kermit: You promised!
Fozzie: Let's all sing the rhyming song, the rhyming song, the rhyming song. Let's take turns and rhyme together... the rhyming song.
Pig: I left my niece in your car.
Fozzie: The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Pig: My laundry's ready at half-past nine.
Fozzie: The rhyming song. Oh brother. Link?
Link: The stars are twinkling in the sky.
Fozzie: The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Link: There's no hot water in my hotel.
Fozzie: The rhyming song.
Beauregard: Kermit! Kermit! I had a dream and it was so real! I... what does it mean when you dream people are walking on your head?
Kermit: It means you're sleeping on the floor!
Announcer: And now it's time for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Waldorf: You are my sunshine! My only sunshine.
Statler: Why you old fool!
Waldorf: What?
Statler: I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.
Waldorf: And he calls me an old fool?
Kermit: And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here?

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