The Simpsons

The Simpsons Quotes

The satiric adventures of a working-class family in the misfit city of Springfield.

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.
Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Homer: [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
Marge: Homer, it's easy to criticize.
Homer: Fun, too.
Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
Bart: Ay, carumba!
Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the hounds.
Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Homer: Take that, Lisa's beliefs!
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
Bart: [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer: [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa: [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Bart: Eat my shorts.
[repeated line]
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
Bart: Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa: It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart: Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa: That's Kabbala, jerk.
Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot.
Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
Homer: I see the light... it burns!
Marge: Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
[Swear jar breaks]
Marge: Nuttyfudgekins!
Marge: You should probably see a doctor about this...
Homer: OK.
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor.
Homer: D'oh!
Ned Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourino!
Homer: Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?
Homer: [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...
Homer: Hi Fat Tony! Still in the Mafia?
Fat Tony: Er, yes, Homer. Thanks for asking.
Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.
Bart: Don't have a cow, man.
Grampa: Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday!
[a thought bubble appears and fills up with static]
Grampa: Uh-oh.
Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Homer: Marge, can I go out and play?
Homer: [Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir!
Fat Tony: [Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go.
[Leaves through the fire exit]
Fat Tony: Hey, wait a minute!
Nelson: I feel like such a tool.
Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...
Comic Book Guy: That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.
Bart: None of these things ever really happened!
Comic Book Guy: Get out of my Store!
Marge: What do you do, follow my Husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through College!
Homer: [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
Nurse: Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you.
Dr. Nick Riviera: The Coroner! I'm so sick of that guy...
Marge: Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!
Homer: [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
Krusty the Clown: We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
[Pats Mr. Teeny]
Krusty the Clown: Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!
[repeated lines]
Homer: Shut up, Flanders!
Ned Flanders: Okily-dokily!
Agnes Skinner: 'Nuff talk, it's smashin' time.
Homer: Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
Care Home Nurse: [having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death.
Lisa: But you can't stop them from having their fun!
Care Home Nurse: They should have had their fun before they got here!
Scientist: Let's not listen.
Homer: Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.
Kang: Stop!
[Tentacles quiver]
Kang: We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us...
Care Home Resident: Take my room-mate away, he's dead!
Principal Skinner: Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult.
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Hans Moleman: There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that.
Kent Brockman: So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?
Kang: [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
Superintendent Chalmers: [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
Homer: [Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?
Comic Book Guy: [Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!
Homer: Great, would you like to see me naked?
Hollywood Casting Lady: Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer: What movie?
Homer: Lousy Smarch weather.
Therapist: You hate your father, don't you?
Homer: The guy I really hate right now is your father!
Therapist: I'm sorry, I was just venting...
Homer: Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
Principal Skinner: [Not happy with the "Puma Pride" mural] The shapely female form has no place in Art!
Homer: Wait, what did my Dad always say?
Grampa: [Memory bubble] If you can't build a robot, be a robot!
Ned Flanders: [people are missing the point of Flanders' "Hell House"] No! His sin was thinking that women are beautiful!
Average Nuclear Plant Employee: I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand.
Mrs Lovejoy: [the Parson is coming] Please try and relax.
Reverend Lovejoy: But he's like the Pope of this thing!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist!
[repeated line]
Bart: Well, I'm bored.
[repeated line]
Bart, Lisa: AAAAAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!
Homer: Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...
Moe: [Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.
Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter: That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!
[repeated line]
Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart.
Captain McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We are building a CASINO.
Captain McCallister: Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?
Kent Brockman: [in front of a mugshot of HRH Queen Elizabeth II] And the Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned.
[repeated line]
Lisa: If anyone needs me, I'll be on my room.
[repeated line]
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey, kids!
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
[repeated line]
Marge: Hrrrrrmmm!
[repeated line]
Mrs Lovejoy: Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!
Strawberry: We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation.

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